Ever since I gave up fantasy football I can watch the NFL the way it's meant to watched: with gigantic ethical qualms.
— Josh Patten (@thejoshpatten) September 14, 2014
“Grandpa what was it like in the old days?"
Well kid, microwaves didn't have an "add 30 seconds" button
*kid is just bawling uncontrollably*
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 15, 2014
Baby Detective sized up the witness. He knew how to get him to talk.
"Bah?" he asked. "Da bah?"
"Yes," the man smiled, "that's a ball."
— Surprise! Pinky (@HiddenPinky) September 15, 2014
Just pantsed this nerd so hard right in the middle of the street. Being a crossing guard is fun but also rewarding work
— Orenthal J Simpkinsn (@jsaffle1) September 15, 2014
Fired from the bank because, "I mean he looked like a Dave" is not a valid form of ID.
— Barndog (@BarndogKarck) September 15, 2014
I'll tell you this much: if I'm gonna pay $129 for a sweatshirt, that damn we'll better be real hippie blood on it
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 15, 2014
"Now get out there and hit those guys like they're women and children!" – NFL locker room halftime speech
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) September 15, 2014
American Ninja Warrior: USA vs The World is on NBC tonight! I can’t decide who to root for. I’m from both of those places.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) September 15, 2014