Better Interrogation Techniques
Thanks to the ACLU, the whole world now knows what “torture” means in the United States. Here’s a partial list:
Sleep deprivation
“insult slaps”
water dousing
“walling” (slamming a detainee’s head against a wall)
Apparently, American-style torture consists of attending a frat party.
Still, there’s got to be MORE stuff they use for when these “hard-core” techniques aren’t enough. But until my Freedom of Information Act request comes back, I’m left to speculate thusly:
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* “buzz buzz buzz” – Locking the subject in a room full of breakable objects with a fly and no flyswatter.
* “shinning” – making subject walk through a pitch-black room full of shin-level coffee tables.
* “Lego walk” – same as above, but subject is barefoot and the floor is scattered with Lego pieces.
* “whiffy cat” – subject gets a cat for a “companion”, but is never allowed to clean the litter box.
* “talkin’ corn” – 6 hour drive through Nebraska with nothing but an AM radio.
* “broken glass, sudsy water” – do my dishes, bitch.
* “Nevergizer” – dead batteries in the subject’s remote.
* “South of the Border” – habanero toilet paper.
* “bottomless cup” – re-filling the subject’s half-finished coffee, thus making it impossible to restore the proper cream/sugar ratio to the beverage.
* “beep beep” – a viewing of Eddie Murphy’s “Raw“, edited for television.
What do YOU have that would crack a terrorist?
(12 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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August 26th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Watch what you say about Nebraska, Frank.
I will find you.
August 26th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
“splish splash” threaten the terrorist with a bath
August 26th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Ironically, locking them in the room with an actual ACLU lawyer and restricting them from punching them in their weeny ACLU faces might constitute cruel and unusual punishment.
August 26th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I can think of a few things that would “crack” a terrorist, but I can think of none more enjoyable than an axe.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
The entire box set of The Nanny.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Lock ‘em in a three story house with a dog that has to constanly pee, and the omny exit three stiorys down.
Place an order daily at a fast food drive through with a bim speaker and a non-english speaking worker.
Give ‘em a mp-3 player only loded with Obama’s handpicked speeches.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
“Royal Treatment” – make them listen to an iPod preloaded with Obama speeches.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Beat me to it, storm…
August 26th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I just about crapped myself laughing at those. Keep up the good work. Here is one more.
The Whiskey Pig:
- Tell them the only way to get free is to drink a Kennedy under the table.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Those all sound good, but I still like the idea of beating them senseless until they talk. Call me old-fashioned, but I just think we ought to have some respect for “classic” interrogation methods.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
“Fwanking”
Making a subject listen to Barney Frank lisp his way through a “Book on Tape”. Preferably one with a great many “r” s
August 26th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Disney: Force them to listen to “It’s a small world” over and over again.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Eye-gouging: Force them to look at naked pictures of everyone in congress.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
“Porkalesboinis”: Have 2 extremely obese and unshaven lesbians in thong bikinis serving the terrorists BLT sandwiches with nothing but room-temperature Milwaukee’s Best to wash it down. I must admit, even I would crack.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
http://althouse.blogspot.com/2009/08/christmas-in-heart-will-be-47th-album.html
Quote
Songs performed by Dylan on this new album include, ‘Here Comes Santa Claus,’ ‘Winter Wonderland,’ ‘Little Drummer Boy’ and ‘Must Be Santa.’”
Dylan singing “Here Comes Santa Claus” is specifically mentioned in the Geneva Conventions 3rd protocol, but we could still use “Little Drummer Boy”.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Lap dances from Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore
Massage from Skeletor Pelosi
Conjugal visits from Amy Winehouse or Hillary
Babs Streisand (a jooooooooooo!!!!!!1!!!) singing the Koran
The Algore slide show on continuous loop (still giggling about that one)
Roundhouse kicks to the family jewels from Chuck Norris…on continuous loop
Whatever the US Military wants to do with them…target practice springs to mind
August 26th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Threaten to deport Pelosi to said detainee’s home country.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I live in Nebraska and make that six-hour drive several times a year. So I guess what I’m saying is screw you
FrankHarvey!August 26th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
THERE ONCE WAS THIS FAT USELESS PRICK,
WHILE TRYING TO HIDE HIS SAUSAGE IN A YOUNG CHICK ,
TOOK THE WRONG TURN AT THE RIVER,
WHERE THIS SHANTY IRISH CHICKEN LIVER,
FAILED TO PUT ANOTHER NOTCH ON HIS DICK.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I used to laugh at Balloon Juice, they’re really funny as they fling their poo while calling each other intelligent and thoughtful.
Until recently as they cheered on Obama and his SEIU thugs.
So I went there just now, sick fascination, I just can’t laugh at them anymore, and there was a post about this that basically said,
“So what happens when some other country does this to our soldiers and the wingnuts cry torture and the country responds they based it on Bush’s memos?”
See? Idiots and they’re not even funny anymore.
If the jihadis would institute the belly slap or the cold room I for one would jump for joy. I bet captured Marines would as well.
Having your head sawed off while listening to Koranic verses is much worse. Just ask Nick Berg… oh wait, you can’t. He’s dead.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I have crossed Nebraska with nothing but an AM radio and believe me it gets much worse when you cross over into Iowa.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
And I’m all about sensory overload, followed closely by sensory deprivation. So the looped kicks to the head, neck and chest, followed by, or in conjunction with, Al Gore and Bwawney Fwank looped on CD should do it.
–or–
Lock them in a room with 50 inquisitive 2 yr olds. And only one kitten.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
“Better Interrogation Techniques”
Make the terrorist give Barney Frank and Harry Reid sponge baths.
Let Nancy Pelosi give them a lap dance.
Make them listen to Al Gore tell them about GlowBull Warming, how he invented the internet, and about the time he fought ManBearPig.
August 26th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
ManBearPig is real….Algore is imaginary!!
August 26th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
“Wee Weed” — Lock ‘em up in a room with no toilet but plenty of water laced with diuretics.
“Poo Pooed” — Ditto, except lots of X-Lax….
“Poo Potpourri” — One terrorist, two Okies with plenty of baked beans…..
August 26th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Force them to learn English from a Cajun.
August 26th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
“EXPO New Mexico” Make them watch every awful Tex-Mex band that performs here during the fair, but only during the times they play their renditions of ‘La Bamba’ with ‘Shake It Up Baby Now’ thrown in the middle.
Every. Single. One. Does. It.
I swear to you- the last time I stage managed at the fair, waterboarding & genital electrocution would’ve been a nice reprieve…
August 26th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
They have to beat three carnival games before they win their freedom.
August 26th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
“Punditting” – locking the suspect in a room with a television that can’t be turned off, with a remote that works but can only select from broadcasts of Keith Olbermann, The View, and Andrea Mitchell
“English majoring” – locking the suspect in a room with a speaker that plays only readings of novels by Virginia Woolf, Henry James, James Joyce, Jane Austen, and William Faulkner; the readers are Hillary Clinton and Barney Frank
August 26th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
To crack a terrorist? A hammer, swiftly and repeatedly connecting with the terrorist’s skull. Maybe a chisel if necessary for getting through the extra thick skull.
August 26th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
AlanABQ -
Is “Shake it Up Baby Now” the same song as “Twist and Shout”? I’m not really up on music written since about 1950.
August 26th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
No more Jihad until you find Helen Thomas’ G-Spot.
Hide the Koran with Perez Hilton.
Maddow or cow blindfolded kissing test.
August 26th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
AM radio is for citified pansies. I dare you wusses to try and make it across Wyoming. You’ll be begging for mercy before you get to Casper.
August 26th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
“Shrew”…Locked them in a room for 9 hours with the staff of “The View”
“…And not even given the common courtesy to receive a reach-around”…1 night locked up naked in a dark room with Barney Frank.
“P. U.!!!!” Being tied up and locked in a really small room with Michael Moore.
“Infidel Overload” Chain them to a street post for a day in the middle of San Francisco or Berkley.
“72 Virgins” tell them they are going to get 72 virgins…and then open the door and let in 72 clones of Rosie O’Donnald.
“Meet your supporters”…drop them off in a fenced hippie commune.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
SVJ-
Yeah, that’s the proper title, as far as I know. A f**ked up medley by any other name is still a stench in my ear, though.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:03 am
#32, Dohtimes-
Hide the Koran with Perez Hilton.
Hide it? Hide it whe-
Oh. Ewwwww…
August 27th, 2009 at 12:07 am
We already have the winning formula:
“(1) Invade their countries, (2) kill their leaders, and (3) convert them to Christianity!”
(1) Check.
(2) Check.
(3) ……….
August 27th, 2009 at 12:49 am
Helen Thomas’ G-Spot
#32, go stand in the corner for that foisting that image on us.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Lock ‘em in a room with my kids and a roll of duct tape. An hour of that and they’ll be begging for the waterboard.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:49 pm
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