IMAO: The Next Generation

If you thought I got less funny when I got married, just wait until I’m a dad.

When I first came up with my IMAO T-Shirt Babe contest scam to see if I had any attractive readers, who knew it would pay such dividends. I’m such a genius.

Due date is October 8th.

BTW, for those of you who think Twitter is gay, they were first to find out the results of my non-gayness, so there.

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62 Comments

  1. Your whole life is about to change. You are going to have a tiny little person, demanding that you give them everything, while they do nothing of value in return, other then to demand more stuff. Kind of like a liberal.

    Unlike a liberal, this person will actually kind of be cute, and can be taught to be a useful member of society.

    Your have a blast, though this probably does mean IMAO will not be updated as often now, what with all the diaper changing, and holding of babies. I suggest you use science! to create a hands free blogging device, or just cut out the twittering.

    [MY BABY IS NOT A LIBERAL! YOU SHUT UP!!!! -Ed.]

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  2. No way! Serious?

    Congrats! I was wondering when this would happen. You are about to have the most wonderful experience of your life.

    I mean, IMAO is cool and all, but not like this.

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  3. Congratulations, Frank. I wish your family the best.

    But sorry, with a name like twitter, it has to be gay…

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  4. You will, of course, play the speeches of Ronald Reagan in the baby’s nursery around the clock. That and Firefly episodes. Except the unaired one where Mal shows his bare tuchus.

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  5. Its all part of your nefarious plot to keep your gayness deniable. I was gonna ask .. Who’s the baby daddy…. but some other cornholio beat me to it. So now you get to worry….. will the baby be as gay as the baby daddy? Will the baby grow to be the opposite of daddy (a hetero liberal) shunning all of his / her family values in a act of rebellion? Will the baby do drugs? Crime? Become a member of MoveOn? See ya nevah can tell with babies. Will baby be the bully or the weakling?

    Seriously…. Best Wishes for a healthy baby & baby momma. Enjoy the last few months of freedom…cause in a few months your going to start doin 18 yrs………

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  6. Congratulations!
    A point of correction, fatherhood is not a proof of “non-gayness.” You have only proven “non-womanness.” 🙂

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  7. Being a parent is cool, but being a grandparent is cooler, believe me I know, I am one. However you can’t be the one without being the other…so I say to you congratulations to you on your first step on the road to grandparenthood.

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  8. Congratulations! To your lovely wife – SLEEP WHILE YOU CAN.

    I suppose that the biting political satire will be replaced by dithering and debating the merits car seats, pacifiers, diapers and so on?

    Twitter: gayness or lack thereof is irrelevant. the salient point is Twitter is STUPID. “oh my gosh, I just had, like, the most amazing, like, bagel and stuff” (insert Valley Girl accent). Does the universe really need to know what moronic thoughts pop into John Mayer’s head? I think not.

    Also – one word of completely unsolicited parenting advice – steal as many of those nose sucky thingies as you possibly can from the hospital. They will give you one, but it is not enough. It is impossible to find decent ones anywhere else (unless you order mass quantities of them from a medical supply website, which I actually resorted to). Claim to lose one or two a day while in the hospital, or until the nurses catch on.

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  9. Your dogs, cats and other varmints will need to adjust to the new prince (or princess) of the house. Offer to baby-sit a neighbors baby and leave it alone for a few minutes with your furry companions as a test before your own bundle of joy arrives. Or wrap the crib in chicken-wire. Some changes may be necessary. I’ve heard stories. I’m just sayin’…*

    Seriously, Congratulations! I’m very happy for you!

    *(I wouldn’t have thought of mentioning pets, but I took the time to view some of Sarahk’s other twitter-photos (very nice) and that got me thinkin’, and I’m not too sure of the looks of that cat… sorry.)

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  10. Whoa!! Congratulations, Frank and Sarah! OK, here’s a to-do list prior to birth of baby:

    1. Consider holding a baby-naming contest on IMAO like your old contests that you let lapse. Include a real prize this time. Let’s face it, your readers are weird and might come up with a name you wouldn’t think of. Of course, you won’t use any of our names, but at least we’ll get a kick out of it. Sarah might like it.

    2. Hold an Internet baby shower with simultaneous live blogging and Twittering. Rake in the baby presents and quite possibly, guns and ammo.

    3. Consider a live birth web cam and charge a nominal admission. Hey, by the time he/she grows up, it’ll cost two fortunes to send him/her to college. Start the education account now. Later, if you have to, you can eat his/her nest egg when the U.S. goes bankrupt.

    I’ll be around all week with more suggestions. My kids are in the 20’s and gone, fortunately.

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  11. A baby naming contest! How much do I love this idea! I have suggested to ALL my friends that they name their babies Boutros-Boutros, but so far no one has done it. However, it’s a good one to use if you are trying to get your mother-in-law off your back when she’s harping on you about the name. Pick a different one each time – Barnaby, Viggo, Persimmon, Thursdsay…

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  12. CONGRATS!!!! Another generation of brilliant snarky snuggles!!!!
    But you’ll be the first to get on the business end of that snarkitude. LOL

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  13. Banjo, Cougar, Herman, Horace, Abner….

    Lookit. I’m just trying to help. You’re Welcome.

    I’ll start thinking about girl’s names.

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  14. KnitterChick, I sleep all the time. I’m actually sleeping right now. Also, you totally misunderstand twitter if you think that’s what it’s like. Maybe if you’re only following celebrities and teenagers.

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  15. To the lovely and talented wife of Frank: CONGRATULATIONS! I know nothing of this baby business, but I will keep you all in my prayers.

    To the father: Congratulations. Remember, dear Frank, that the baby is of a new generation and will most likely think of your current “hip” technology as “square”. Not square, however, is the firearm. Start him off with an air rifle, and move on from there. I got my first rifle for Christmas (Marlin .22, bolt, still in my possession) when I was sixteen years of age, but I have no doubt that he’d be safe shooting a little .22 if he was a few years younger than that. By the time I was sixteen, I was shooting my cousin’s big Russky carbine.

    Oh, uh, where was I? If it’s a girl, you can start her off with an air rifle, and move on from there………

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  16. I already told SarahK this on Twitter, but if it’s a boy, you should name him Fred Cheney Rumsfeld Fleming. If it’s a girl, Frank Jr.

    Congrats! 🙂

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  17. Congratulations Frank and Sarah!

    I hope he/she is born two days early. I would be honored to share my B-day.

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  18. Both congratulations and expressions of sorrow. Having a kid/s is a great joy but you have 18 to 21 years of alternating torture and peace. Grandkids are much better. Have fun.

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  19. Sarah kept dropping hints but when Frank got called in to the principals office he finally realized he was a daddy. How did this happen he wondered? How old is he? Frank asked. She’s a she Sarah said. Oh, said Frank. Becoming a daddy will do that to a man. Every man. Every time. But congratulations Sarah and Frank on the wonderful news.

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  20. Congratulations on proving you’re not gay and producing a new bitter clinger, with that 3000% decrease in your insurance every year, you can have like 20 more, no problem.

    Banjo????

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  21. Well, congratulations! That’s quite the exciting news. And don’t worry, the baby will be born long before Obamacare can take effect, so you’ll still be able to receive adequate medical care.

    I’m sure you’ll teach your baby all the imporant things at an early age. (My friends looked at me funny when I told their newborn to “always vote Republican” and “Republicans – GOOD; democrats – BAD”.)

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  22. Congratulations to you !!
    God Bless the three of you!

    Hope you find a better photographer by October,
    that picture looks like it was taken through an
    abdominal wall or something.

    If you think becoming a Dad makes you less funny,
    wait till you are Dad of a teenager.

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  23. Congratulations!!!!11!1!1!!

    Now, are you going to keep the boy=J / girl=K name theme or are you moving to L & M for the next generation?

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  24. Congratulations. Now be sure to name your kid Falcon or Desiree to make sure they have a life full of pain and suffering all through school! Actually, I would imagine having one’s head shoved into the toilet once a day isn’t that bad but it’s the wedgies that suck!

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  25. ” It’s NOT a baby. It’s a TUMOR.”— Regards, Ahnold.

    Be sure to twitter all of Frank J’s diaper-changing adventures.

    Ah, rugrats! If Sarah’s serious about ‘Renesmee’, and a boy pops out, may I suggest ‘Smee’ for short. Boy’s bound to be a pirate.

    Somehow the crack about ‘the T-shirt babe holstering your pistol’ seems inappropriate, but this is IMAO.

    If a boy, disregard ‘Renesmee’, and name him Ian. Dress him in Tux’s, teach him Baccarat, how to drive the Aton Martin, how to shoot the .25 ACP Beretta, and the Walther PPK. Give him an acqired taste for vodka martinis,”Shaken,not stirred.” and Dom Perignon Champagne chilled below 38* when with the paramour de’jour. With Frank J. being an engineer and all, Frank could be ‘J’ branch(keep working on the dinosaurs with rocket launchers, Frank) Sarah would be known only as ‘K’, and give all the orders, which little Ian would promptly disregard. This would make a great book series! And be sure to get a movie deal, perhaps with that James Cameron guy. ‘Ian Fleming, and the Temple of Na’vi’ has a nice ring to it.

    In any case, blessings be upon you for the next 20 years.

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  26. Whatever you do…do NOT let him listen to Joe Foo’s war stories or you’ll be getting a call from school informing you that your son choked out another student while yelling “Pain is just weakness leaving your body!”

    …uh…not that that ever happened to any of MY nephews!

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  27. Was it planned? or did you slip one past the goalie? Either way, congrats and all that…
    For a boy, I suggest something strong and manly, like Genghis (obviously), Attila, or Goliath. For a girl, Donnarhea.

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  28. Now, let’s think about this. Your Dad is a Boomer. You’re a Gen-X / Gen-Y hybrid. Your baby is definitely not Gen-Y (“Millennial”). So, what will he be? “Gen-Z?”

    Son of a Son of a Boomer. “Boomer Fleming.” Better yet: “Boom-Boom Fleming.”

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  29. Somewhere a hippie is crying: babies born to conservatives melt polar bear homes and miss out on decades of lefty indoctrination. Congratulations!

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  30. Whoa! No Way!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111one That’s DEFINITELY the coolest news you’ve ever posted on here (with Fred reading your first e-mail live being a close second). So happy for you both! Guess the fiancee and I better move up the schedule so our little ones can get together in 20 years and make THE ULTIMATE CONSERVATIVE. It’s kinda like Voltron…you know with all the different parts coming together to save mankind (or space robots).

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  31. That is very clearly the most beautiful, athletically gifted, smartest and best natured baby in the history of babies!
    Congratulations!

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  32. Why am I just reading this now? Congratulations to both of you! That’s awesome!
    This will add a new edge to the blog for sure!

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  33. A belated three cheers to both of you!!!! I Pray all goes well for all three of you.

    Life as you know it is over.

    When the tte tricycle motor is a little older, I’d say six months, give ol’ Uncle Storm a call. I’ll have hm/her shooting bullseyes with a new 1911 in 45 in no time. Never know when a terroist/liberal will try to raid the cradle.

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  34. I don’t understand how to pronounce Renesmee. Does that mean that SarahK does not want anymore name suggestions? Because I have not even tapped into my store of girls names. Bambi, Barbi, Candi….

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  35. Make sure you name the kid some thing great. Something that will strike fear in the hearts of the other kids on the playground. I named my kid “Roman Mace” since I liked naming my son after a mideval weapons used to bludgen people to death with. Seems to have made him tough. Kid grabed a electric fence once and didn’t make a peep. Made me proud.

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  36. Frank has secretly been taking name suggestions on Twitter and ignoring my suggestion for a contest on his blog. Apparently, his blog doesn’t rate for baby naming!

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  37. Twitter is not gay — only its name is gay.

    Speaking of names, Sarah K has chosen an excellent name. I was pregnant when I read the Twilight series, and my baby’s middle name is Jacob.

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  38. I knew that Pajamas Media column was code for “Fleming Baby Coming Soon!” Congratulations! And SarahK, no matter what the Lamaze instructor says, go for the epidural. It made giving birth almost enjoyable.

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  39. Congratulations, Frank & Sarah!

    Sorry I’m so late, but last week was a really bad one for me.

    I wish you all the happiness in the world! God bless your growing family!

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