Tips for Handling a Stupid Debate

Posted on June 14, 2011 12:03 pm

What a stupid debate CNN had. It has the usual awful questions that made me wonder how many came from actual Republicans (are Republicans really worried about separation of church and state with all the problems we’re facing right now?), and then it had that stupid “This or That” stuff along with King making, “Uh… ah…” sounds over everyone’s answers as he tried to keep people from talking long enough to say anything useful. Makes you wonder if Republicans should refuse to go to debate for the major news media outlets with how left-wing and clueless they are, but I think Republicans can stand out in these formats if they take charge and follow my advice.

TIPS FOR HANDLING A STUPID DEBATE

* Don’t be afraid to be confrontational with the moderator if he’s getting in the way of a useful discussion. A good way to make the moderator more cautious is to threaten to murder his family, saying something like, “I googled where you live, and if you keep interrupting me, I will murder your family.”

* If asked a stupid question, a perfectly legitimate response is to say, “That’s a stupid question, ask me another one.” If it’s a particularly stupid question from someone in the audience, make it clear you won’t continue with the debate until the person is removed from the building.

* If asked a completely asinine question like, “Dancing with the Stars or American Idol?” A good answer is, “You just killed your family.”

* If the moderator has a question that implies you’re extremist, say, “I can prove I’m a moderate.” Then pull out a gun and shoot him in the knee. “Extremist would have shot you in the face.”

* If the moderator ever makes noises like, “Uh… ah…” over your answer, stop your answer to say, “I’m starting to think you don’t even like your family.”

So, that’s how you shine in these debate: Take charge and threaten to murder families. That may seem extreme, but surveys show most people — especially Republicans — don’t like journalists or their families.

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15 Responses to “Tips for Handling a Stupid Debate”

  1. ussjimmycarter says:

    Boxers or briefs? When the questions comes to Michelle Bachmann she leaves the microphone and says “Well let’s see, I’m not sure”, then she pulls the moderators underwear out from the back of his pants and up over his head and says “Whatever those are no because they are like totally ghey!!!”, then she punches the moderator in the face and goes back to the microphone. Automatically POTUS for 8 years!

  2. Son of Bob says:

    A great way for Republicans to show that there’s unity in the party would be for each candidate to take turns beating the crap out of the liberal moderators, then “tap out” with their fellow candidate to keep up the beating. How awesome would it be to see Herman Cain pull a piledriver on John King, then as he struggles to get to his feet he taps Michelle Bachmann, who runs through him with a clothesline… it would be awesome.

  3. Son of Bob says:

    …of course, in that scenario where each candidate takes turns attacking the libs, I just picture Tim Pawlenty standing off to the side waving his hands a lot and shreeking ooh, ooh.

  4. Jimmy says:

    I’d like to see a debate where all the candidates are packing sidearms.

    (*click*) “Lemme suggest you rephrase that question!”

    (*click*) “Try again doĆ¼chebag”

    (*BANG*) “Next!”

  5. Ernie Loco says:

    I didn’t watch the debate, but apparently it would have gone a lot better if the candidates had followed your advice. I seriously would like to see a candidate(s) say something like, “That’s a stupid question; Americans in general, and Republican primary voters in particular don’t give a crap about that.” And then procede to talk about something we do actually care about.

  6. MarkoMancuso says:

    * If the moderator starts acting up, do not be afraid of acting like James Cagney in White Heat when his character’s mother dies. Punch out as many Democrats as you can!

    * Ask the moderator if he is a Democrat. If he or she says yes, casually repeat my favorite Cagney line, “Nice day for murder.” If he or she evades, mention that 1911 was a fine year while petting an M1911.

    * Constantly sing the line, “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die”

    * Smoke a cigar.

  7. storm1911 says:

    “What is your favorite color?” “Red, like the nblood about to be pouring from you.”

    “Steak or lobster?” “Roasted thigh of liberal smoked over a campfire.”

    “Boxers or briefs ?” ” I prefer a long kung fu battle myself, for my kung fu is strong.”

  8. Mxymaster says:

    I’m detecting a little hostility here, Frank J.

  9. Joe Schmo says:

    That was the moderator? I thought they had a barking seal on stage…

  10. TGregg says:

    We need to infiltrate the next real democrat debate.

    “Butterflies or Unicorns?”

    “Bigger government or less liberty?”

    “A congress full of women or blacks?”

    “More food stamps, welfare or unemployment comp?”

    Of course, the obvious answer for the left is All of the Above times a billion.

  11. Carolynp says:

    The hubby changed out the speakers during a commercial b/c he thought the mumbling was an electronic problem. That was when we figured out the moderator was broken. Tried to switch him out, but apparently that only gets you ignored during a debate.

  12. Burmashave says:

    @Jimmy: The packing of guns thing could serve multiple purposes. First, at the outset, they could all draw their weapons and place them on their respective podiums. This would encourage respect. Then, the presence the the firearms would encourage discussion about gun issues, namely, which do you prefer to carry as a personal side arm?

    Bachman: Colt M1911A
    Romney: bottle of mace
    Pawlenty: boring but reliable S&W .38 revolver with hollow tip rounds
    Cain: S&W Model 500 .50-Cal. Magnum
    Gingrich: 9mm Glock without cartridges (taken away when he shot his foot)
    Ron Paul: Imaginary finger gun

    Candidates could deflect stupid questions by moving along to a hands-on debate about stopping power.

  13. Jimmy says:

    And CAIN! would win, Burma. He’d blow everyone away. Figuratively, of course.

  14. 5of7 says:

    Here’s an idea:
    8 candidates divided by a 2 hour (120 minute) format equals 15 minutes each.
    Give each candidate 5 minutes at a time to talk about whatever matters to them.
    Order of speech determined by random drawing or by a quick Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament backstage before the debate begins.
    After 5 minutes (or when they hit their timer) their microphone automatically cuts off and the next candidate gets the green light.
    Time saved gets rolled into their next turn.
    Statement, Rebuttal, Conclusion.
    (classic debate technique – hey, it worked for Lincoln/Douglas)

    Moderators? We don’t need no steenking moderators!

  15. Terry_Jim says:

    TGregg, the real DemocRAT debate is Candidate Obama vs. President Obama.

    Although I hear John Huntsman is running, so Obama
    will have a primary challenge after all.
    .
    ..Wait, he’s a Republican?!

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