10 Things Nancy Pelosi Knows Better Than You

The West Coast Botoxian is at it again, bragging about how much smarter she is than the numerous federal judges and countless legal scholars who disagree with her:

When asked why she is so confident the Supreme Court will uphold the health care law, Pelosi says, “Because I know the Constitution.”

Were I a Twitterite, I’d suggest the hashtag #NancyKnows and encourage people to pile on.

Not being such, I’ll just speculate thusly regarding the superior contents of her surgically-taut-skinned noggin:

Nancy knows how to do a killer Dr. Evil impression.

1) Surprisingly, Nancy knows how to find out what’s in the Constitution, even though she didn’t personally pass it first.

2) Nancy knows why the rent is too damn high.

3) Nancy knows if the cat in the box is alive or dead. Suck it, Schrödinger!

4) Nancy knows what’s in the “Pulp Fiction” briefcase. Not quite sure how to get a special tax on it past those obstructionist Republicans, though.

5) Nancy knows why the caged bird sings. Also suspects the song it’s singing is racist, since it sounds suspiciously like “When You’re Holding a Hammer“.

6) Nancy knows that paying people to work creates fewer jobs than paying them to NOT work. May be somewhat unclear on what a “job” is, however.

7) Nancy knows how to turn lead into gold. Step 1: find someone with gold. Step 2: hit them with a lead pipe and steal it.

8) Nancy knows which way you swing – no asking or telling required.

9) Nancy knows how to defy the law of gravity, but, as usual, only government officials are allowed to get away with it.

10) Nancy knows what the Matrix is, although she lacks the ultra-cool sunglasses to prove it.

Apparently there’s only one thing Nancy doesn’t know.

Her limitations:

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  1. Nancy knows what it’s like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes.

    … but, of course, she’s much more well known for knowing what it’s like to be hated, to be fated to telling only lies.


  2. Somebody’s gonna hurt someone, before the night is through…there’s gonna be a heartache tonight, a heartache tonight, Nancy knows. Lord, she knows.


  3. Nancy knows who’s on first, what’s on second, and has her suspicions about third.


  4. Nancy, I served with Jack Squat, I knew Jack Squat, Jack Squat was a friend of mine. Nancy, you don’t know Jack Squat.

    (I only knew Jack Squat in my younger days. But I guess that’s enough of that!)


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  6. Nancy knows how to Twist. It goes like this. It goes like this. Ahhhhh now my knickers feel just right. Hey Barney, do you know how to Pony? Like bony Maronie? Oh. My. God!!!!!!!!



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