Nuke the News: Can’t Defend Capitalism or Criticize the President

Posted on May 22, 2012 11:00 am

* This whole Cory Booker thing is pretty funny. All he does is say, “You know, maybe capitalism isn’t such a bad thing,” and Obama screams, “How dare he! Bring me his head!” and then Obama’s campaign forces hunted down Booker and made him confess his crimes on video.

There’s not a lot of wiggle room for viewpoints in the Democrat Party right now how Obama had done a horrible job on the economy and needs to keep this laser-like focus against Romney’s record in business. But does the attack even make much sense? Let’s say you buy their argument that Romney is a vulture capitalist, what does that mean he’ll do as president? Sell off all the country’s assets? The point is whether Romney was a good or evil businessman, he at least has some experience of how the economy works which is way more than Obama can claim. You can’t be worse than Obama on jobs even if you tried really hard.

* A teacher in North Carolina told her students that they can’t criticize the president. I hope that’s not true; now the unemployed will have even less to do all day.

* Colin Powell hasn’t decide yet whether he’s going to endorse Obama again. It doesn’t make me feel good that our military was once under the leadership of a man who couldn’t easily identify a useless twit as a useless twit, and he really should have at least made a strategic withdrawal from his support of Obama years ago. Still, if he wants back in the Republican Party, he better apologize to all of us. And buy us candy.

* Here’s a neuroscientist tearing apart the liberals’ recent pseudoscience on conservative versus liberal brains. Liberals are really insecure about how poorly their arguments fair in the public, so they’re constantly turning to “science” to prove they’re right which just shows their lack of understanding of the concept. Sorry, we’re not going to mix two chemicals in a beaker and see what color it changes to to solve any political arguments. That’s done through punching hippies.

* SpaceX launched a Falcon 9 rocket that could be the first commercial craft to dock with the International Space Station. So perhaps we’re finally embarking on the commercialization of space. Some night soon, we’ll look up to skies and, instead of seeing stars, see lots of space billboards. Hey, it’s not going to be pretty if we finally want to get some movement in space exploration. But if we keep investing, we’ll finally get our ultra-libertarian Mars colony. Yeah, have fun dealing with your crushing debt alone, earthlings!

* A major DC comics character is going to come out of the closet. Every Aquaman comic to begin with Aquaman turning to the readers and yelling, “It’s not me! Stop asking!”

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24 Responses to “Nuke the News: Can’t Defend Capitalism or Criticize the President”

  1. DamnCat says:

    Now Aquaman will have someone to go antiquing with.

  2. DamnCat says:

    “A teacher in North Carolina told her students that they can’t criticize the president.”

    Remember when dissent was the highest form of patriotism? Seems like it was just a few years ago.

  3. zzyzx says:

    Say what you will about Romney and Bain Capitol but (unlike GM) at least they’ve never had to take a government bailout.

  4. Son of Bob says:

    Ah yes, Colin Powell. I’m sorry, he’s just not on my “I give a crap what he says” list.

  5. zzyzx says:

    Times change Cat today…dissent is the highest form of raceism.

  6. Ernie Loco says:

    If DC has any brains whatsoever, the gay character will be a female. I just think that “busty lesbian comic book superheros make out” will tend to sell better than “watch Batman do Superman in the ***”.

  7. zzyzx says:

    Cory Booker has come very close to being declared an outright thought criminal. First he was seen cavorting in a video with known enemy of the state Chris Christie and then he openly criticized our beloved leader. One more offence like these and his next stop will be the Ministry of Love and a visit to Room 101.

  8. DamnCat says:

    Ernie Loco says:
    …I just think that “busty lesbian comic book superheros make out” will tend to sell better…

    Ernie – that is so sexist!

    And true…

  9. ombdz says:

    Nice to see the media falling over themselves to spin Booker’s words. Fittingly, an anniversary of one of the MSM’s darkest hours comes up next month – though something tells me we won’t be hearing much about it … http://bit.ly/qVdDUt

  10. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    BREAKING NEWS Agents from the Truthsquad Division of AttackWatch have taken Cory Booker into custody for what a spokesperson said was “friendly interrogatory discussions and ideological refocusing.”

  11. Rock Throwing Peasant says:

    Clearly it will be Plastic Man, with his superhuman ability to reach-around.

    Just listen to the description:

    “You’ve just committed the crime of the century. You stand to gain millions. But someone’s on your trail. A shape-shifting superhero who’s infiltrated your quarters and masquerading as something in your very room. But what? The brown chair sitting by the window? The desk propping up your computer? Or could it possibly be the gaudy red and yellow chandelier no one in their right mind would ever buy?”

    Clearly, not the chandellier. No ghey would even be caught dead as something that tacky. Now, the tribal fertility statue in the corner, slightly quivering with expectation? Bingo.

  12. Mxymaster says:

    I’d be astounded if a comic book character came out of the closet as a patriotic American. Haven’t seen that since I stopped reading them more than a quarter of a century ago.

  13. TheRoyalFamily says:

    It’s Martian Manhunter. I mean, come on, it’s in the name.

  14. Rock Throwing Peasant says:

    http://www.dccomics.com/characters/plastic-man

    “You’ve just committed the crime of the century. You stand to gain millions. But someone’s on your trail. A shape-shifting superhero who’s infiltrated your quarters and masquerading as something in your very room. But what? The brown chair sitting by the window? The desk propping up your computer? Or could it possibly be the gaudy red and yellow chandelier no one in their right mind would ever buy?

    Pop culture’s silliest superhero, Plastic Man is as much a humor icon as a heroic one. During a heist gone wrong, petty crook Patrick “Eel” O’Brian was doused in chemicals, allowing him to stretch his body into any shape he desires. Nursed back to health by altruistic monks, he was inspired to embrace life’s brighter side.

    Taking their ideals… maybe one step too far, Eel abandoned crime, becoming the pun-dropping, wise-cracking Plastic Man. Able to morph into anything—a table, a countertop, even a woman’s dress—he can bounce, stretch, and repel any foe. No weapon as sharp as his wit, he’ll introduce jocular justice to humanity’s darker side as the premiere amalgam of humor, action, and heroism.”

    A little too “on the nose.”

  15. MarkoMancuso says:

    Batman’s not gay, he’s just blind and the bat sonar hearing thing has a difficult time distinguishing between male and female when Batman is well, you know, a little excited.

  16. Burmashave says:

    “…Obama’s campaign forces hunted down Booker and made him confess his crimes on video.

    Watch Booker’s confession very closely, and you’ll discover that he was blinking “torture torture torture” in Morse code.

  17. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    The White House Press Office announced this afternoon that North Rowan High School teacher Tonya Dixon-Neely, under suspension-with-pay, will be flown up from North Carolina to Camp David, along with her lifepartner, in advance of her being awarded the first-ever Medal of Truth for her vigorous defense of her Leader, Barack Obama.

    The unidentified student agitator, who was denounced by Ms. Dixon-Neely through her defense of presidential absolutism and infallibility, has been apprehended by Truthwatch and will undergo a summer internship consisting of intensive perspective reorientation.

  18. Zaklog the Great says:

    DC Comics seems to be bent on alienating any conservative fans lately. Superman denounces American citizenship and now they’re going to retroactively make a long-running character gay. Of course, anyone who questions this character move is evil and hateful.

  19. CTCompromise says:

    Oh come on..One super-hero shares his mansion with his “young ward” who has an androginous name; with whom he slides down stripper poles in a cave wearing leotards, masks, and capes – which were presumably left conviently laid out by his “man-servent”. It couldn’t be more obvious if there was a rainbow next to an “Obama/Biden” sticker on the bumper of the BatMobile! Maybe now Bat Girl & Cat Woman will find true love in their shared frustration of trying to seduce the millionaire who, for some reason, wouldn’t look twice at a gorgeous babe in a skin tight outfit. Also, it’s only a rumor, but I heard Travolta wants to play Batman in the next movie. (O.K…I made that part up)

  20. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    A White House staffer, on condition of anonymity, has stated that North Rowan High School teacher Tonya Dixon-Neely will join Rosie O’Donnell, Henry Rollins, Shug Knight and RuPaul Charles for a special election-year Kennedy Center Honors to be held during the last week of September, rather than in December, and will be billed as “President Barack Obama Presents His Kennnedy Center Honors” and broadcast on all three major networks along with CNN, OWN, MTV and MSNBC.

    When asked, simultaneously, by George Stephanopolous, Brian Williams, Bob Schieffer, Wolf Blitzer and Carson Daly if this was an attempt to show support to the Kennedy family during its latest time of loss, the staffer replied, “of course, with the loss of RFK Junior’s wife to mental illness and Maria Shriver’s loss of her husband to a love-child, and the whole Kennedy family in mourning, the President had to step in and personally host the Honors of honoring those who have honored him and, thus, the nation. To make the Kennedy family wait until December for their Centrally Honorable show would just be cruel.”

    Carson Daly was heard to say, “thank you, Vice President Biden.”

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  22. 4of7 says:

    From the link about the neuroscientist:
    The human brain weighs only three to four pounds but contains about 100 billion neurons. Although that extraordinary number is of the same order of magnitude as the number of stars in the Milky Way, it cannot account for the complexity of the brain,” or even an expert on information processing, such as the Emerson Pugh who wisely pointed out that the “If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn’t.”

    Amen!

    Wonder Woman was raised on an island full of Greek Amazons.
    Power Girl has as far as I know never had a date and is frequently hostile to men who constantly ogle her abundant and highly noticeable cleavage.
    I agree with Damncat – if it’s about selling comic books and not about political correctness, it’ll have to be a hot chick.

  23. 4of7 says:

    Oops, sorry.
    I meant I agree with #6, Ernie Loco.

  24. Sarge says:

    “Fare”

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