Jacques Chirac sat in his office contemplating how superior he was to all other foreign leaders, when suddenly the phone rang. “Hello?”
“Hey… uh… this is Pierre. You know… Pierre.”
“Oh, hello, Pierre. How are you?”
“I’m great.”
“You’re not sounding very French today.”
“I have a cold. Anyway, I was looking for Chezz. Do you know him?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Well, he should be with two other people somewhere near your office. The other two are Sue and Norm. If you could get them for me, I’d appreciate it.”
“Certainly. Just to be clear, though, what are their last names?”
“Well, Chezz’s last name is Eaton. Sue’s last name is… uh… I can’t remember. But I know, Norm’s; it’s Unkies.”
“Unkies?”
“Yeah, I don’t what nationality that name is.”
“Well, I’ll go see if I can find them.”
“Thanks Jacque-strap; you’re a real help.”
Chirac took his cordless phone with him as he headed out into the main lobby. “Are you Chezz Eaton, Sue, and Norm Unkies?” he asked the first group he saw. He then shouted out, “Are there Chezz Eaton, Sue, and Norm Unkies here? Someone check the nearby military base for Chezz Eaton, Sue, and Norm Unkies!”
Everyone started laughing.
“Oh, it’s you again!” Chirac said angrily into the phone, “When I find out who this is, I’ll impotently demand to you to stop!”
The only response was more laughter.
“Oh, that was classic,” Bush chuckled as he hung up the phone. “Aren’t you going to miss this when you leave, Ari?”
“Hey, man, I told you; I have to follow my heart,” Ari Fleischer replied, “I just know my band ‘American Hellbender’ is going to take off big with its mix of reggae, techno, and country done to a new age beat.”
“Can we get to the business at hand?” Condoleezza Rice demanded angrily, “There are lots of evil nations out there, and they aren’t going to bomb themselves! Well, maybe North Korea is crazy enough to do that… but we can’t count on it!”
“Fine. So who should we attack next, Rumsfeld?”
“See this map here?” Rumsfeld said, walking up to a large map on the wall. Suddenly he shouted “Rarr!” and started ripping away the map until finally nothing was left except for the U.S. He then stuffed the pieces of the map into a wastebasket and set them on fire.
“As your Secretary of State,” Colin Powell stated, “I’d like to point out that there might be some disadvantages to destroying all other countries.”
“You weak willed liberal!” Rumsfeld screamed, “You’re on the terrorist’s side!” He then tried to lunge at Powell who ran out of the room while Rice and Ari tried to hold Rumsfeld back. Rumsfeld eventually calmed down and returned to his seat.
“So, have any smaller plans for who we fight next?” Bush asked.
“I do,” Rice replied, “Ever heard of the small island country of Lintuvia?”
“No,” Bush answered, “but yesterday was the first time I heard of Brazil.”
“Well it’s a small, isolated island dictatorship in the Indian Ocean,” Rice continued, “and an easy target.”
“What have they done to us?”
“What have they done for us?” Rice responded, “Anyway, it’s great testing ground for our new military weapon: Black Project Insano!”
“Wow! That sounds cool!” Bush exclaimed, “What is it?”
“Well, I don’t really know…” Rice admitted, “I just know it’s our greatest project ever… but the exact details are beyond my security clearance.”
“What about mine? I’m the president.”
“Even beyond yours,” Rice told him.
“What about you, Rumsfeld?”
“I just don’t give a rat’s ass.”
“So who does know?” Bush asked.
“That’s also classified beyond our level,” Rice said.
“Wait,” Bush suddenly exclaimed, “I think I do know who knows.”
“Yes, you were fooled into knowing who knows,” Rice explained, “That’s part of Black Project Insano.”
“Am I supposed to know that I was fooled?”
“Yes, you have the clearance to know that the one you think you know who knows, doesn’t actually know. That was a bit of an oversight.”
“So who actually knows who knows what Black Project Insano is?”
“That is also too classified.”
“So who knows who knows who knows what Black Projext Insano is?”
“Dick Cheney.”
“Ah, so we have to find Dick.”
“This is idiotic,” Rumsfeld commented, “Can’t we just bomb countries and shoot people as normal?”
“Do not underestimate the power of Black Project Insano!” Rice shot back, “First we test it on Lintuvia, and then the world will be mine!” She started laughing evilly, but then noticed everyone staring at her. “Uh… I mean the world will be at peace and run by the U.S.”
“I’m going to look for Dick Cheney,” Bush said. He then went to the door of the conference room and shouted out, “Laura! Is Dick in one of the cupboards in the kitchen?”
“Honey, I can’t always be finding Cheney for you,” Laura answered.
“Did you forget where you undisclosed him again?” Rice asked angrily.
“Uh… no.”
“Remember, he was with us at the mall this afternoon,” Ari said.
“Oh, then we just have to wait for him to drive back,” Bush answered.
“But, dude, we drove him.”
“Oh man!” Bush exclaimed, “I stranded Dick at the mall again. He’s going to be all angry and having heart attacks.”
“We’ll send someone to get him,” Rice stated, “Now we need to send a Special Forces group to clear Lintuvia of any resistance.”
“I know who you should send,” Rumsfeld said.
“Who?” Bush asked.
“Buck.”
“Buck who?”
“Buck… the Marine!”
“Hello, Buck here – Buck the Marine that is… This is the president? President of what? …The United State of America! That’s the best thing to be president of. So what can I do for you, sir? …You want me to do a mission in Lintuvia? Are their foreigners there? …Then they’re dead! Now I just need you to give me some supplies… What do you mean I have to buy my own bullets? …You can’t afford bullets for me so you could have a tax cut for the rich! That doesn’t seem right… Well, yes, I guess rich people do deserve the money they earn, and that they do contribute a lot to society through investments and creating new jobs… and it was selfish of me to think of myself when they were being overtaxed… Yes, I’ll do that. I’ll write and apology to the local Millionaire’s club before I head out… Yes, that to, I’ll be more happy for what I have: my free room and board and my fifty dollars a month salary… What do you mean you want me to pay rent now! How much tax cuts do rich people need? …That makes me so mad I could kill people! …Yes, I guess that is good timing. I’ll get ready for the mission.”
“Funny I have to leave now,” Ari said at the press conferences, “just as I’ve finally figured out how to handle Helen Thomas.” He took out a laser pointer. “Get the red dot, Helen! Get it!”
Helen chased the laser point. “That red dot is mine!” She eventually followed it until it made her jump out the window.
“So, any questions?” Ari said as he put away the laser pointer.
“What this we hear about ‘Black Project Insano’?”
Ari fiercely grabbed the reporter. “WHO TOLD YOU?” Ari screamed at the top of his lungs. He then noticed everyone was looking at him with fright. He gently set the reporter back down and patted him on the shoulder. “I mean, what a ridiculous thing. I’ve never heard of any… whatever it was you just said. That’s just some crazy fiction you probably read about in the Weekly World News or the New York Times.”
“I have a question,” said the Fox News reporter. “Iran is reportedly harboring al Qaeda terrorists, so why haven’t we marched in there and hung those supposedly responsible by their own entrails? Is it because the Bush administration sympathizes with terrorists, or is it because you’re all a bunch of pussies?”
“Well… uh… the diplomatic way to do this…”
“And my follow up question,” she continued, “Is whether you think it’s apt to describe your departure from the Bush administration by using the analogy of rats fleeing a sinking ship… with one of those rats being grotesque and balding.”
“Now you’re just being mean,” Ari said angrily, “and… and… are you wearing a bikini?”
“Producer’s idea; these press conferences don’t get very good ratings.” She then listened to something coming in from her earpiece. “No I’m not going to jump up and down when I ask questions!”
“You know, at CNN we have higher journalistic integrity,” proudly said a CNN reporter.
“You’re only talking to me like that because you know I don’t have anywhere to conceal a gun!” the Fox News reporter shot back angrily. “We’re the number one news channel for a reason.” She then listened to a new message coming from her earpiece. “No I won’t take my top off!”
A Secret Service agent walked up to Ari. “It’s time.”
“Uh, I’m going to go hide out in a five mile deep underground shelter for no particular reason,” Ari announced, “So this press conference is over.”
“Maybe I’ll mud wrestle another reporter,” the Fox News reporter said as she listened to her earpiece, “But we have to renegotiate my contract first.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Haha! Bush is right, that was classic. Maybe even epic.
You have been taking lessons from Bill W, haven’t you. I think this was one of you longest ones yet. I guess the new mediccation is really helping your attention span.
No, I wasn’t able to proofread the whole thing in one sitting.
“Thanks Jacque-strap; you’re a real help.”
Too funny. The only thing to make this better is to have beautiful women wearing practically nothing . . . oh wait, you did. It’s perfect!
(How’s the Flash going? Those links I sent help?)
Do you actually get work done at your job? Or do you sit around thiking up more crap to post to your blog all day?
Can I have your tax refund since you obviously don’t work that much at your job?
“See this map here?” Rumsfeld said, walking up to a large map on the wall. Suddenly he shouted “Rarr!” and started ripping away the map until finally nothing was left except for the U.S. He then stuffed the pieces of the map into a wastebasket and set them on fire.
I’ve come to expect nothing less thourough then that in my months of reading about Rummy.
Excellent work, Frank, and indeed you have me hooked on the first IMW to be continued!
-Jeff
Tim (the nice one),
I’ve just started to play around with flash. I’ll probably do some more this weekend. It looks to me though that making a whole cartoon might be too time consuming an activity to do by myself, though.
Um, Frank, is “Black Project Insano” your comments section? Cause reading these things is drivin’ me nuts.
MonkeyPants
Imperial Falconer
Could someone explain how what Chirac said was funny? I realize what was trying to be done, but I guess I’m not reading it the right way to get it.
Frank – you have gone above and beyond. How you managed to squeeze all these guys into one “IMW” I don’t know. Typically, my favorite parts would be Rummy and Buck the Marine (as previously stated, he’s part of my family tree somewhere back there). However, in this case, I almost hurt myself upon reading this:
“Funny I have to leave now,” Ari said at the press conferences, “just as I’ve finally figured out how to handle Helen Thomas.” He took out a laser pointer. “Get the red dot, Helen! Get it!”
Helen chased the laser point. “That red dot is mine!” She eventually followed it until it made her jump out the window.
FUNNIEST. LINE. EVER.
Casey …
That would be cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Sorta.
They’re BAAAAAACK!
Yesterday was, as you surely remember, a very dark day in the Empire, as numerous Imperial Blogs were temporarily rendered…
I’ll chime in with Mike: “get the red dot” is already making the rounds in the office as the preferred “I don’t have time for your crap right now” phrase.
“Get the red dot, Helen! Get it!”
I think I’m going to have to send the monitor out for service – the hot tea spray seems to have got it all sparky and stuff.
Karl Rove has to be behind Black Project Insano.
Will stop by Fritz next and suggest he prepare appropriate art for the FOX news reporter cage match in a Rap video/Beer commercial vs her Italian FOX news counterpart – just to keep the ratings up.
Man, that would make a great t-shirt for IMAO.
Keep up the good work, and please let Rummy kill some more liberals or reporters. Or maybe even some lawyers. I know he has some more ACME inspired death inventions in his office.
That might have been your funniest IMW yet…
I disagree with the previous comment about this IMW being Whittle-like in it’s length. My big butt was just gittn’ nice n’ comfy in my chair and it ended ! (It would be nice to read about the Emperoress Condi that you eluded to, also wearing a bikini…drool)
This “In My World” is exploring areas of the nether regions that the ones before it haven’t!! I think the one order that Buck the Marine understands and will eagerly accept would be, “Waste everyone on Lintuvia,” even if he has to bayonet them all.
One Marine, fifty dollars worth of bullets and a Kbar vs a small country.
Ten to one on Buck. Takers?
Are you kiddin’ me? Those odds are far too poor. I mean it’s a forgone conclusion that Buck would wipe the floor with everyone he faced down in a MEDIUM-size country (that’s what Iraq is after all). No, it’s more like 30 to 1. Paying out thirty bucks to get one back doesn’t sound like a good deal, I know. But trust me, it’s in the bag.
“If so ordered, yes, I would kill your mother.”
Mmmmmm…Rita Cosby in a bikini…
[It’s not Rita Cosby, m’Lord – Tiberius]
I can dream, can’t I? 🙂
Yes! The Fox reporter is now bloodthirsty AND sexy… the yin has found the yang, the balance of the universe is restored… and maybe Frank actually did read my e-mail last week!
Mmm… Fox News Reporter….
I think she should pull a BFG from the thin air behind her back, or from one of those little ultra-mini purses, though, and annihilate with extreme prejudice the CNN reporter.
‘cuz we all know that conservative girls with big fragging guns are the sexiest of all.
Bloodthirsty women scare me. Give me one that loves puppies and flower any day.
How about one that loves flowers, puppies, and drinking the blood of her enemies?
You’re making me drool, sailorette… THAT’S what I’m talking about!
The question at hand, though, is not what you or I like. It’s about Fox… and Frank nailed it.
Figuratively.
“I’m going to look for Dick Cheney,” Bush said. He then went to the door of the conference room and shouted out, “Laura! Is Dick in one of the cupboards in the kitchen?”
“Honey, I can’t always be finding Cheney for you,” Laura answered.
This was my favorite part. It’s so perfect I’d swear you were married.
Great IMW, as usual.
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Yin and yang, you decide
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IMAO: The Motion Picture
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WWF Smackdown in Watertown!
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I just can’t shut my pie hole.