More about our military…

John has some Marine jokes:

Marines are commonly refered to as jarheads. I think it is because there heads aren’t screwed on straight.
How can you tell if a Marine has been in your backyard? Your trash can is empty and your dog is pregnant.
As far as I know the marines haven’t lost a gate yet.
The only good marine is a submarine.
A marine general, an Air Force general, and a Navy Admiral were on a golf course one day arguing who had the most courageous men, so they decided to put it to the test. They went to the marine base and the Marine general walked up to a marine and told him to pull the pin on a grenade and fall on it. The marine did as he was told and was blown up. The Marine general said “Now that took guts”. The Air Force general said “That’s nothing”. They all went to the Air Force base, the Air Force general walked up to an airman told to take a plane up to 30,000 feet and jump out of the plane without a parachute. He did as he was told and promptly became a spot on the ground. The Air Force general said “Now that took guts”. The Navy Admiral said “That’s nothing”. They went to the Navy base and the Admiral took them on an Navy Cruiser. There was a seaman working on an antenna about 200 feet in the air. The Admiral hollered up to the seaman “I want you to jump down here right now!” The seaman hollered back “F_ck you Admiral”! The Admiral looked at the other 2 and said “Now that took guts”.

Jason writes:

I did my AIT (advanced individual training) for the Army on a small navel base in Mississippi. We once made them open the only mess hall on base to because we were late getting our training done that day. It took about an hour and call from the base commander to get them to open it. They were not very happy. They also did not like it that we got up at 0400 and made a lot of noise when we went to PT. The Seabees usually got up about 0700.
The moral: the Navy is only open from 0700 to 1700. The Army never closes.
Since Marines are paid by the Department of the Navy, their no better.
I don’t recognize the Air Force as a real armed service division since only their officers do the dying.

Wow, them’s fight’n words.
Dennis has some info on tanks:

I was in the Army, served four years, got in the Reserves/Guard and was called up for Gulf War 1. Retired in 99.
I was in Armor, which is the guys that drive, shoot, live in tanks. Being on the ground is dangerous when tanks are moving. And it seems like whenever it is dark, crappy weather, the tanks are moving. So, tankers like to stay on their tanks. It is extremely hard to get run over by a tank if you are on a tank. If I had someone who would bring me chow, I wouldn’t have to get off of the tank for any reason.
The ground is where the Infantry lives, and down there it is either muddy or dusty or something uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be in the Infantry, so I tried to stay on the tank.
Some truisms about Armor.
1. Nothing on a tank weighs less than a railroad crosstie.
2. When a tank gets stuck in mud, big (huge) cables are needed to get it out.
3. You can learn to sleep on hard, flat steel.
4. Tanks are cold in the winter, hot in the summer.
5. Second Lieutenants shouldn’t be trusted with that much destructive power.
6. If a Second Lieutenant finds himself in command of a platoon of tanks, he should listen to his NCO’s. They will keep him out of trouble, and will keep him from killing himself or someone else.
The biggest truism about the Army in general and the Guard/Reserve in particular is the unbelievable education of the troops. My last driver was a young corporal who had joined the Guard to get an education. He had his Bachelors degree and was within striking distance of his Masters. We had a medical unit attached to our battalion. There were enlisted medics in that section. All of the enlisted medics were Registered Nurses. One of my NCO’s was a practicing attorney, another was a CPA. Fully 60% of the unit was enrolled in college. In short, the guys in the Guard/Reserve take advantage of the educational opportunities, and they make the unit stronger because they are so educated.

J writes:

Each branch serves a special role —
Army — Exists to lose the territory in the first place.
Air Force — then overflies the territory to see how deeply the Army took it in the shorts.
Navy — Provides the boats to carry the…
Marines — who then take the territory back.

Bob has this little saying about your National Guard:

From one who served in the same unit with GW:
“Sleep Well……..Your Guard does!”

Finally, Charles has some info on what it is like to be a Marine and Marine Drill Instructors:

I served 4 outstanding years in the Marine Corps. I can describe the life and times of a Marine, but it’s impossible to convey the true experience. The Marines is not a ‘job’, a ‘vocation’ or an ‘opportunity to see the world’, though it offers all these things…it’s a way of life, a religion. He is recognizable by his bearing and discipline wherever he goes, even out of uniform. Strangers still ask me, after years as a civilian working for the military, “were you a Marine?” I don’t really have any jokes to tell, I served during the Clinton years and I felt I had something important to say about that time.
I went to boot camp at MCRD San Diego, which makes me a ‘Hollywood’ Marine, There are also Parris Island Marines who went through boot camp in SC near Beaufort. The only difference between us are sand fleas and mountains (trust me, sand fleas are hell…especially when you’re not allowed to touch your face or scratch.) which always makes for some friendly jabbing among us (I visited Parris Island with a couple of buddies and remarked on how flat, pretty and green it all was…which set off a wrestling match, they also get to see girls (female marines)). My junior Drill Instructor was once an extra in some skating movie in the 80’s, he was the scariest 5′ 6″ human being I have ever met. I’ll have to go on a tangent to describe the DI:
Drill Instructors have special powers granted by a special formula given to them after passing one of the most difficult, anal, and stressful schools in the entire Marine Corps:
1) The ability to camoflage themselves into walls, objects, vehicles and sand dunes, whenever a recruit makes a mistake, approximately 200 DI’s will ‘uncloak’ and simultaneously appear in your location, utilizing their other special powers listed below.
2) DI’s can teleport from one location to another in less than a second, often appearing to scream at you from behind walls.
3) The Voice: Many (not all) DI’s are capable of screaming in a false, hoarse and unmistakeable voice for several hours, sometimes days. Many learned this skill in Boot Camp themsleves after yelling “AYE, SIR!!!!!!” into the wee hours of the night. This Voice has a strange hypnotizing effect on the victim causing him to instantly obey any command the DI makes, such as “Build Mt. Sirubachi in my squad bay by piling footlockers and throwing mattreses on top!” or “stare at a mirror and tell yourself ‘NO, I’m not fat! you are!! and repeat until I get tired!” (yes, both of these really happened)
4) Inability to get dirty. DI’s never get dirty, even in a sandstorm a DI will still appear clean and sparkling as if protected by a force field, which it may well be since no recruit has ever laid hands upon a DI and lived to tell about it.
5) Growth. Many DI’s are under 6’ tall, however they are capable of growing to immense size has their temperature rises. There are others who believe that in fact the recruits shrink instead of the DI’s growing, but it may be a combination of both.
6) Telepathy: DI’s can read the minds of recruits sensing our fears and thoughts, however this power may not be very strong as recruits constantly surprise the DI’s with their stupidity.
7) the ability to see in all directions. It’s isn’t clear whether there is a ‘third eye’ or if a DI’s normal eyes can revolve around their heads 360 degrees. However they can see any action taking place around them and instantly react.
8) super vision. Besides being able to see in all directions, DI’s can spot even the smallest blemish in your uniform, even ameoba and paramecia.
there are many other powers such as ‘drink all night, sleep with 3 women and appear completely sober and and angry as hell at 4 in the morning’ but I’m running long.
okay, I’ll get serious now:
My life in the Marine Corps was the greatest in my life, although I never saw combat, I was always ready to do so, unfortunately a few of my friends have died in combat and training for combat. I was stationed at Cherry Point, NC and many people in the area and in towns around it hated and despised us before 9/11 and the Iraq War. It’s as if people didn’t care that our lives could end any moment fighting for our freedom. We used to drive up to a college town nearby, Greenville, where the ECU campus is, to have beers and meet women. We’d get laughed at because of our haircuts and the way we’d tuck our shirts in, shave, and dress properly (behind our backs of course). College girls would ignore us or treat us with contempt all the time. The college guys there hated our guts, and knowing we couldn’t afford to get in a fight would goad us all the time, key our cars and slash our tires. These people had their hearts and minds poisoned against us, I suspect, by liberal professors and jealousy. Their heroes were their fake warriors such as football players and basketball players. I heard things have improved quite a bit, but I still have to subdue an urge to punch any college prof. I meet. If you’re getting that urge right now, please do so.

I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I’d love to hear more jokes and anecdotes. E-mail me with the subject “Military”.