Trying to get some political news, but it’s all Hurricane Frances right now (her, and now Ivan is on the way!).
I still can’t get over Kerry’s reaction to Cheney’s speech even though it was a couple days ago now. I paraphrase:
“Cheney said I’m unfit for command. Well, my response to that is: Which one of us served in Vietnam?”
The verbatim quote was funnier. You can’t even parody this guy anymore. You know, my Dad was in Vietnam for nearly three times longer than Kerry, but he’s not running for president. He’s not even running for some podunk county position.
My advice to Kerry: fire your campaign adviser, your speech writers, and whoever made you breakfast that morning.
So what should Kerry do to help revive his campaign. Let’s brainstorm.
WAYS KERRY CAN HELP HIS CAMPAIGN
* Die in a plane crash and have your wife run in your place.
Uh… that’s all I can come up with right now. Yeah, I know Teresa Heinz has a bit of a grating personality and can’t constitutionally run for president, but it will shake up the campaign if Kerry dies in a plane crash. The Japanese would also consider it very honorable.
Speaking of the Japanese, they just had a 7.3 magnitude earthquake with tsunami warnings. Glad I live in Florida and not there…
Meow = First!
The reason you can’t think of anything else, Frank J, is because the Kerry campaign has tried everything already, and dying honorably in a plane crash is the only option left. Let’s see … make up scandals involving the Bush administration … tried that … run on heroic war record … tried that … run on Senate record … scratch that … appeal to the people as one of them … tried that (remember lunch at Wendy’s, LOL) … spend 60 million in ads to smear Bush and move polls .. tried that … get all the newspapers to only say nice things about you … tried that … get hollywood to make all kinds of movies showing why Bush Cheney are bad .. tried that … uh, be honest about who you are? The one thing they haven’t tried, because it will sink him for sure!
But if Frank can’t parody Kerry anymore, where will we get our funny?
Got one!
Promise his soul, and obedience to Carl Rove.
*Promise to breed chomps and make a new army of hippy eating dogs
ok that’s two, but I haven’t had my morning coffee yet (AND YES I KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS) *humpf
Who will be qualified to run for president when all the Vietnam vets are dead?? America will be in crisis!
Yeah….Elvis served in Vietnam for TWO YEARS. That’s like, 5 times longer than Kerry, and you don’t see Elvis running for president. What? He’s dead? No he’s not. Loser.
Yeah. When I first read parts of Kerry’s speech from Thursday, I seriously thought it was a parody.
I think Kerry should fire up his swift boat, charge up some river near the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, and return with Bin Laden strapped to the machine gun (of course Edwards might sue Kerry on behalf of Bin Laden for injuries sustained during capture). If he did that I might consider forgiving everything else and voting for him.
Hey,he’s gotta be sweating,Hillary has Billy Jeff down,she’ll be looking at Kerry next.We know she will stop at nothing to get back into the Whitehouse.
Kerry couldn’t save his campaign if it fell off a swiftboat!
What a joke
He may be able to run for President of France though!
[laughing like an idiot]
Hmmmmm do I detect a Jean Carnihan reference?
thanks frank j. you the man!!nice pics. if we could see sk with flames .
Hrms…Let’s see…he could…
Promise to appoint ‘Adams Family Look-Alikes’ to key posts in his administration…
Promise to marry Switzerland to balance America’s budget…
Promise to open a hunting season on Lawyers – starting with his VP and then do a televised hunt ending with Edwards’ stuffed head on Kerry’s wall to show he’s serious…
Reenact his Purple-Heart/Silver Star with SwiftVets acting as the VC on the riverbanks shooting live ammo at Kerry’s boat to prove that he could sit still on a boat for 30 minutes under heavy fire and not have any damage done to his boat or himself…
Promise to have the Clinton’s executed on live Pay-Per-View with the proceeds going to E-4 and below salaries in the military…
Swear to nuke France and the entire Middle-East within minutes of taking office…
Promise to stop being such a Statist bastard and start following the US Constitution.
Promise to go through the US Criminal code with the Congress and eliminate most of the laws that are stuffing our books.
You know, most of those would get me to vote for him, as long as they were legally binding promises.
Orion
Swallow his own fist.
It may not do anything for his campaign, but at least for a few seconds he’d stop talking about Vietnam.
Kerry needs to completely revamp and start from scratch. First, his campaign advisor is gone. Since he’s a plant by Hillary he’s totally useless.
Second, the speech writers can stay, under 2 conditions;
1] they stop eating the mushrooms and
2] Kerry stops adlibbing about what
a hero he is. (if a woman has
to keep saying she’s a lady,
she probably isn’t)
3] What’s that womans name? you
know, the one that looks like
the gestapo dressed like Nancey
Reagan? Oh yeah, Teraaaayza.
LOSE HER!!
4] You can keep the Kool-Aid mom,
you know, the chunky one
married to “Little John”. She
will secure the black vote.
They love fat, white woman
5] Those little punks walkin’
around with their fingers in
Kerrys beltloop, (his Vietnam
comrads) get ’em off the payroll
and outta here. They’ve over
stayed their usefullness.
6] BACK OFF THE BOTOX!!
7] Get laid…..it’ll do wonders
for your attitude. Ever notice
how Bob Dole is always smiling?
8] Stop the windsurfing. Practice
for the X-Games on your own
time. You need to act more like
the common man. Do some photo
Ops watching NASCAR and
cutting the grass. And quit
playing with the guns! Any
body that knows guns can tell
you don’t know how to handle
one. Your only foolin’ the
Libs.
AWWW, The Hell with it!! Might as well be pissin’ up a rope!
Does anyone have a link to a transcript? It’d be interesting to see what he actually said, especially since Frank said the original was even more funny. 🙂
Here’s a link: http://www.johnkerry.com/pressroom/speeches/spc_2004_0902.html
The actual quote is: The Vice President called me unfit for office last night. Well, I’ll leave it up to the voters to decide whether five deferments makes someone more qualified to defend this nation than two tours of duty.
An even funnier one is this: For four days in New York, … we heard almost nothing but anger and insults from the Republicans. And I’ll tell you why. It’s because they can’t talk about the real issues facing Americans. They can’t talk about their record because it’s a record of failure.
Oh yeah, John “I served 4 months in Vietnam, but I don’t want to talk about 20 years in Congress” Kerry is gonna talk about records of failure.
“Die in a plane crash” is sickest comment i’ve read online.
Really? You must never go to Lair’s website.
“die in a plane crash…”
Sshame on you, Frank. Childish and immature. And just when I was starting to like you, thanks to one little SarahK’s ramblings about how seriously “Wonderful” you supposedly are……
hmph.
Actually, Kerry may not be constitutionally able to run either. More on this later when Volokh answers my email.
(Sorry for the tease)
tsunamis tsuck.
How about the Bush’s lying ass? Funny how those military files just magically reappear? you folks need to rethink the integrity of you man Bush.
Wake up, folks!!!