Now that Bush is reelected and terrorism is handled, it’s time to focus on other threats – such as ninjas!
NINJA FAQ
Q. Why an FAQ rather than a regular Know Thy Enemy™ format?
A. Because ninjas are extra troublesome and thus require the format of the revered FAQ!
Q. Does that mean no jokes at Aquaman’s expense?
A. I’m sorry, but no.
Q. Isn’t there already a definitive website on ninjas?
A. I believe that website is somewhat loose with the facts.
Q. So ninjas aren’t mammals?
A. Don’t put words in my mouth.
Q. Are ninjas Chinese or Japanese?
A. I dunno; they wear masks.
Q. What do ninjas eat?
A. Rice and turtle meat.
Q. I live in the Midwest; surely I don’t have worry about ninjas.
A. WRONG! Ninjas are everywhere and just waiting to attack you. Also, that wasn’t technically a question.
Q. How come I don’t see any?
A. Because ninjas are good at stealth and hiding.
Q. I heard a strange noise behind me. Was that a ninja?
A. Probably.
Q. Can’t I just shoot ninjas?
A. No, they dodge bullets.
Q. What if I have extra fast bullets?
A. They’re still faster than those.
Q. What about Speedy Gonzales?
A. Ninjas are not faster than him.
Q. Why not have Speedy Gonzales fight all the ninjas then?
A. Because he has to shout “Andale, andale! Ariba, ariba! Eh-hah!” before being fast, giving ninjas plenty of time to hide.
Q. Is it true the government is working on a new, quieter version of Speedy Gonzales?
A. I can neither confirm nor deny that.
Q. How can I fight back against ninjas?
A. With kung fu skills.
Q. How long does it take to develop kung fu skills?
A. A lifetime.
Q. What if I only have a couple hours free?
A. It’s better than nothing.
Q. I don’t have time to become a kung fu master.
A. Then you better schedule time – to die!
Q. Aren’t we by kung fu fighting ninjas just contributing to the cycle of violence?
A. Yeah. So?
Q. You’re not supposed to ask questions.
A. I can do what I want.
Q. Isn’t there a quicker easier way to defend against ninjas?
A. You could hire a wandering ronin.
Q. Are they all trustworthy?
A. Well, uh… carpe diem.
Q. Don’t you mean “caveat emptor”?
A. Shut up.
Q. Is it true that ninjas poison their blades?
A. I’m not sure. Best not to get cut by them just in case.
Q. I’m worried about their throwing stars. What do I do?
A. Use your kung fu skills to dodge them. Alternatively, block them with a katana.
Q. What if the ninja is expecting me to dodge and thus throws a star not quite aimed at me? Aren’t I better off then just standing still?
A. Now you’re just being silly.
Q. Can’t I just build a big wall to protect me from ninjas?
A. Ninjas can climb walls.
Q. What about a moat?
A. Ninjas can jump far and will jump over your moat.
Q. What if it’s a really wide moat?
A. That might work.
Q. Can monkeys be ninjas?
A. Maybe, but you should kill them anyway.
Q. I hear ninjas climb around in the rafters of buildings. Is that true?
A. Yes. Whenever entering a building, fire blindly into the rafters.
Q. I thought you said before they dodge bullets?
A. I say lots of things.
Q. Do ninjas hide in trees?
A. All the time, so cut down trees. No safe haven for ninjas!
Q. But I like forests.
A. Then you’re a ninja sympathizer!
Q. Well, aren’t there good ninjas?
A. Yes, dead ninjas… unless they become zombies.
Q. How do I fight zombie ninjas?
A. Now we’re getting out of my scope of knowledge. Try a crucifix.
Q. A crucifix? That’s your solution for everything supernatural!
A. Well I’m Catholic; what do you want?
Q. Can we even win the war against ninjas?
A. Ninjas have been around since the days of Noah, and they shall always be around. The best we can do is make attacking Americans so hard that they stick to attacking countries we don’t care about.
Q. What countries don’t we care about?
A. I can’t name them because I never heard of them… which is part of the reason I don’t care about them.
FIRST! Go Ninjas.
Sorry about that. I didn’t realize that ninjas were our enemies. Guess I should have read it first.
Please pray for me – I’ve got a demon that’s trying to make me a liberal by forming an opinion without having any facts.
FrankJ, this is one of your best!
Abso-freakin-lutely hilarious.
That’s a hell of a lot more information about ninjas than what I really need. I’m from the desert part of Texas, and oriental folks generally prefer the coastlines. So as long as I stay out of Houston and Corpus, I ought to be fine. I’ll make sure and keep my car doors locked otherwise.
Wait up. There are a couple of really cute little Chinese girls, who were adopted by local families when they were babies, out in these parts. Reckon they’re sleeper ninjas, just waiting for orders from back east?
Since you didn’t include one of these, Frank, I’ll do it for you:
Q: What would Aquaman do if he were attacked by ninjas?
A: He would summon a swordfish and fight back, naturally. The clash of finely-honed Japanese steel and bony proboscis would fill the air, and the battle would rage long and hard. Who would win is not absolutely certain, but it doesn’t look promising for Aquaman. After all, he’s not exactly known for his kung fu abilities.
Well I’m glad I’m in Arizona because I’m sure ninjas probably don’t like hiding behind cacti.
Is Carl Rove a political ninja, or what?
The new breed of Ninja’s are also part vampire. Only Buffy or Angel can save us now.
I’m gonna change subjects here, because I can’t get to yahoo mail right now.
Take a look at the Republican Babes-of-the-Week here. I’m sure you’ll agree there’s one missing. I’ve just nominated Sarah K., and you can, too, at rebublicanbabe@jerseygop.com
She’s more babealicious than Moxie, who’s already been a babe of the week.
Now Frank, you’re just being plain silly! Everyone knows the Ninja’s all died out in the aftermath of the Dinosaur vs. Ninja war of ’06!
Why, you’re just trying to scar….
*** slice *** (sound of Katana cutting through various neck area stuff)
*** thud *** (sound of severed head hitting floor)
Call me a ninja sympathizer if you want, but without ninjas the pirate problem would increase.
As much as I am discomforted by ninjas, the threat is managable. Just practice your kung-fu skills everyday and plug bullets into the ceiling of every room you enter.
Pirates on the other hand are basically hippies with peg legs, hook hands, and talking birds that spread lies.
Which style of Kung Fu is best for fighting ninjas?
The best way to fight Ninjas is to take on two at a time. Kill one while shouting SACRE BLEU! and let the other get away injured.
He will tell all the other Ninjas that their main enemy is France.
SACRE BLEU!!!!!!!
Even funnier, re-read this article, replacing the word ‘ninja’ with ‘liberal’.
“Which style of Kung Fu is best for fighting ninjas?”
Speaking as a martial arts expert, I’d say it’s a toss-up between the “Shadow Destroyer” style and the “DIE YOU FRIKKIN NINJA, DIE!!1!” style. Each has its respective strengths and weaknesses, which will influence which is the right one for you.
When dealing with zombie ninjas throw salt to them. Or kill their parent process. I always get them confused, so try both just to be extra sure.
I can’t believe no one has had fun with this yet:
“MAN OPENS FIRE AT EIFFEL TOWER; 3 INJURED…”…CHIRAC ANNOUNCES 10 PM NEW CONFERENCE TO SURRENDER
Do ninjas vote Republican or Democrat? I mean, I would’a said Democrat but they are so darn sneaky!
stupid ninjas
my northern praying mantis/taichi/escrima/westernboxing style will prevail as long as my back don’t give out…
Ninjas vote Nader. Wasn’t clear they’re extra evil?
“Q. Aren’t we by kung fu fighting ninjas just contributing to the cycle of violence?
A. Yeah. So?”
That made my day Frank. Great Stuff keep it up.
absolutely BRILLIANT!!!
Q: If ninjas are so cool, why do they have a lame .mid file on their homepage?
A: It is a mind trick! Plug your ears quickly!
Nan ja?!?! Anatatachi nakaniha wa Ninja ga suki ka? Ninjatachi wa zenzen tatakaenai! Ninjatachi wa yowakute okubyou da yo! Ninite Fansujin! Kung Fu Masters too!! (except Bruce Lee and Jet Li)
Ninja-lovers suck
Translation: (What the!?! Some of you actually like Ninjas? Ninjas can’t fight worth beans! Ninja are weak and cowardly! Like the French!)
PS Yes, they are Japanese.
I am a ninja, feel my power, i will hide in trees and do stuff like that, and than dodge whatever bullets you shoot at me, Their is no victory for you, give in to our awesome kung fu powers, (Which by the way, take a 3 day course to master) and our tree climbing abilities, their is no victory, unless you nuke us, that youve basically screwed us over and all our ninja abilities.
Aiii!!! Kowai!! Kowakute baka na Ninja!
Come’ere the last 3 Ninjas I fought may have been able to dodge bullets, but that means my fists and feet are faster than bullets. Actually, go ahead and take the usual cowardly route of attacking from the shadows; I’ll show you what Zanshin means!
Q: How would Aquaman counter a ninja attack?
A: He would summon his aquatic friends, which the ninja would promptly chop into sushi and eat. Completely devoid of any kung fu skills himself, Aquaman would survive only if Batman arrived in time.
Mmmm, Sushi!
Whilst you’re showing me the meaning of Zanshin, neo-samurai, I’ll show you the meaning of Seishin teki kyoyo…
Ninpo Ikkan!
If Ninjas attacked Michael Moore, would they just bounce off? Could he defeat them with his super onion-chili-mustard breath? What if he disguised himself as Pizza the Hut? Would Ninjas fall for that trick?
Just wondering….
“Q. Are they all trustworthy?
A. Well, uh… carpe diem.
Q. Don’t you mean “caveat emptor”?
A. Shut up.”
so. funny.
Do even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles eat turtle meat? Cause that would be like cannabalism or something.
I am puzzled by your focus on monkeys ( but not ninjas) when circus clowns are clearly the most heinous evil on the planet.
Ha ha ha! My favorite part is:
Q. What do ninjas eat?
A. Rice and turtle meat.
Q: are there any good ninja?
A: yes ninja burger’s ninja are trained
mostly in customer satisfaction with an emphasis on pleasing western customers.
Q: what if I am unable to locate or afford
good ronin protection?
A: use a viewmaster to locate The Tick
he hates ninja and will take pez as payment, alternately hold two branches
(one in each hand) and say to the ninja
“we are a bush, move along.”
“Whilst you’re showing me the meaning of Zanshin, neo-samurai, I’ll show you the meaning of Seishin teki kyoyo…”
I’m sure you will RS. You will not allow my taunting to lure you into an assassination attempt through anger. Being aware of truth over emotional delusion as well as yourself you will know that Ninpo is, and has always been, inferior to Bugei. And like a Ninja, you’ll run. How do I know this as well as what Seishin tki kyoyo is? Because of the point Seishin teki kyoyo forgets in it’s 6 points, “know the enemy” Furthermore I don’t need to see Seishin teki kyoyo is, because it’s all ripped from the Art of War and Bushido (both of which I am very farmiliar with) and abbreviated. Furthermore, the entire doctrine itself is only adopted by modern practitioners who dilude themselves into thinking that the Ninja were ethical warriors in harmony with nature rather than disposable assassins while these modern “Ninja” bear almost no resemblance to real Ninja. On top of that, we of the warrior arts know that all the points of Seishin teki kyoyo are nothing more than the byproduct of true commitment to the actual training of Bujutsu and Bugei themselves and don’t even need mentioning. And while you’re attempting to show me, I’ll show you what Gekitsuu means.
And the name is Neo-con Samurai.
Samurai Katagi!!!!
Well if Ninjas do it for cash couldn’t you set one group against another or are they like lawyers? If Ninjas went up against tort lawyers would they win? Would it be worth while trying to recreate the Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch to dispose of Ninjas. If you rubbed cheese all over yourself and didn’t bathe, would Ninjas think you were French and not worth bothering.
Well.. as kick ass as ninjas are, I’d rather have them on our side. Just think of it. They dress almost the same as these Hamas f***s. And they could just infiltrate the terrorists groups all silently, and BAM! NINJA STAR!! Tons and tons of dead terrorists on their way to their 72, black-eyed, circumsized virgins that all resemble Helen Thomas. LOL
Yes, toad. You can hire SOME Ninjas (not all) and you can have them fight against other ninja. However, making the contacts with such rare people is rather difficult and dangerous. Remmember, Ninjas without loyalty to a single person or group are eventually self-serving and you cannot trust their loyalty. Only hire a Ninja if you can handle him betraying you.
Tha Sickness, unless you already have Ninjas on your side, see above for the problem with that plan and keep in mind that we found out from the “I’m sorry” photos that Ninjas hate President Bush.
Do you mean this?? That’s a pirate.. not a ninja.
Besides.. if we spent another 87 billion on the ninjas for a lifetime supply of turtle meat and rice, I’m sure they’d be on our side in a minute. Al-Qaeda can’t afford turtle meat, and I’m sure ninjas don;t care for goat burgers and camel stew.
No, This
Just as likely Ninjas will murder you for the money since it’s more convenient or in order to maintain anonimity. You can’t by true loyalty and though vastly inferior to Samurai, Ninjas are still dangerous.
A brilliant expose on the ninja threat, required reading for anyone who is seriously attempting ninja-scholarship:
http://www.realultimatepower.net/
I agree, you don’t know anything about ninjas until you’ve read http://www.realultimatepower.net/
cool@coolass.com
http://www.coolass.com
Have you seen the Google ads recently? Ninjas, Ninja turtles, and martial arts.
How long does it take for a super sonic bullet to hit super sonic speed? From how far away from the target would you have to be so that the bullet overtakes the sound?
“I agree, you don’t know anything about ninjas until you’ve read http://www.realultimatepower.net/”
I can’t believe people still go to that site. The only funny thing on it is the hatemail.
TOTALLY SWEET!
You guys are the best thing since Nacho Chips and Cheese. Seriously. NINJAS MOST DEFINETLY VOTE NADER. Anyone have any good pictures of George W. as a ninja turtle?
are you a ninja?
I have some good pictures of Dubya as a ninja! And he’s playing with Tony Blair. Straight up slumber party! Watching MJ music videos. I’ll email ’em to ya or maybe find out how to post em on hurr! PEACE AND TURTLEs!
you’re all far too enthusiastic. you can all expect a good old sock in the colon, when your colon falls out, you’l die. Good. Now here’s a spoon so you can all eat my ass.
it sucks ass chucks new comments go at the bottom, I stopped reading after the first four…
“you’re all far too enthusiastic. you can all expect a good old sock in the colon, when your colon falls out, you’l die. Good. Now here’s a spoon so you can all eat my ass.”
What a profound, intellectual, and gramatically correct statement! Douseiai chikusho! (a real ninja could read that and would be very insulted) Ninja lovers, Prepare …… to be very dissapointed.
“it sucks ass chucks new comments go at the bottom, I stopped reading after the first four…”
Too laborous, huh? I guess reading and writing isn’t your “thing.” I mean, even to someone who hates the okubyou na shinobitachi like myself has to say that you shouldn’t go by the name Head Ninja as it is insulting to Ninjas.
These posts are great. I now know why I keep coming back. Thanks!
What happens if you are attacked by Robot Ninjas. Should you just throw water on them, and what should you do if they are water proof. Someone answer me, they are at my door and want to come in…