Clash leaves 7 Palestinians dead
British punk band says they never claimed they had the ability to raise the dead.
Mahmoud Abbas flirts with extremists
“Hey, baby, want to blow up some Jews?” said to be favorite pick-up line.
Annan begins major UN overhaul
Hopes to keep UN focused on what it does best: embezzling.
Argentines Hit Streets Again to Punish Politicians
“Hey, you’re making potholes!” sullen politicians yell.
US help for Thai early alert system
A loud tone will signal if your green curry is dangerously spicy.
Indian security adviser named
We’ll call him “Bill.”
Trapped dolphins symbol of hope
Strangled raccoons to be symbol of peace.
Seattle Police Chief’s Gun Stolen
Seattle Resident Be Warned: A criminal has a gun!
Now you do your own in the comments.
NOW!
Second!
From CNN:
Anna Nicole Smith loses $88.5 million ruling
Status lowered from golddigger to cheap whore
Arrested laser man admits to two incidents…
Dr Evil missing from cryo chamber, still at large.
From ABC News:
Action Figures for Adults Who Won’t Grow Up
Wardrobe Malfunction Barbie
Microsoft Anti-Spyware Beta Takes Familiar Shape
That shape represented typographically is “:p~”.
From The New York Times:
Boston Mayor Wants Vehicles, Not Cans, in Parking Spaces
Oscar the Grouch ticketed
From The New York Times:
Death of Man Hit by Train Poses a Puzzle
If a train leaves the station traveling east at 45 MPH, and a hobo enters the tunnels walking west at 3 MPH …
Whistleblower Says U.S. Bungled AIDS Study
“They didn’t even make any mention of LiveAid or BandAid,” says anonymous tipster.
From CNN:
Laser aimed at Chicago-bound jet
Dr. Evil’s sharks sought for questioning
From ABC News:
Lawsuit: Krispy Kreme Padded Its Sales
And my waistline
Iraqis in U.S. Face Big Hurdles to Voting
“Whose bright idea was it to set the voting booths up in the middle of a track meet?” asked one disgruntled Iraqi.
Pride girls get offensive, win 4 of 5 in Las Vegas
Girls plan to live like “damn-hell-ass queens” on winnings.
Barneys to open Co-op store in Chicago
“We love Chicago, and hope that Chicago will love us!” says purple dinosaur CEO.
From CNN
Rover hits one-year mark on Mars
Beats previous records set by Fido, Spot
From CNN International:
Cat dynasty of Britain revealed
Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, Eartha Kitt secretly running U.K. since 1966
Drudge:
Britons rank Israel ‘worst country’…
Rank Britain ‘best teeth’.
From CNN:
Schools aimed at training country doctors
Granny Clampett’s Doctoring School for Critters and Regular Folk, with campuses in Beveryly Hills and Bugtussle
Boy, 12, hits tree at Mount Holly, dies of head injury
“I asked him how he’d like it if someone picked apples off of him, and then I started throwing apples, and next thing I knew he wasn’t breathing anymore,” sobbed the remoresful tree.
Comic book pioneer Will Eisner dead at 87 in Lauderdale Lakes
Per his will, Eisner will be sealed in a mylar bag with an acid-free backing board, in hopes that his value will increase over time.
Pittsburgh benefits by playing hard
Coach credits Cialis for latest winning streak.
From ABC News:
Some Senators Have Big 2006 Campaign Funds
And you know what they’re compensating for
From ABC News:
Bush Calls for ‘Big Things’ From Congress
Wanted to say “fiscal responsibility” but couldn’t think of the words
from BBC News:
Blog reading explodes in America
–Overheard to be targeting Moon next
from USA Today:
Outsider sought to shake up studio
— Earthquakes in California not doing good enough
It was the year of the sedan and the hybrid
— Automakers redesign Chinese Zodiac
from webpro news:
Blogs Moving To The Front Pew
— Can I hear an AAAAMEN!!
from Washington Post:
1 year later, Mars rovers still going
— NASA Scientists credit Energizer Batteries
From CNN:
Shirley Chisholm dies at age 80
Cynthia McKinney’s title of “Craziest Black Women Alive” secure
Web holiday shopping up 25 per cent in 2004
— Experts cite sales of IMAO CDs and Tshirts as reason for Boost
Wal-Mart’s Sales Up 3 Percent in December
— Secret Pact with Satan still in effect
Clash leaves 7 Palestinians dead
Casbah Rocked
Clash leaves 7 Palestinians dead
In related news The Cure investigated for Killing an Arab
New York Post:
PREZ POSSE TO LEAD AID PU$H
–Editor’s note: The New York post, in an effort to better increase subscriptions from its customer base, will now be published strictly using Ebonics.
From FoxNews
Pentagon Gets New Sexual Assault Policy
–Jenna Jameson Parachutes into Mosul
From Ananova:
Man kisses car for 54 hours
— Left disappointed when after 54 hours of making out, he could only get to first base.
From Yahoo News:
Doctors astounded: drunken man survives astronomical blood-alcohol level
— Ted Kennedy then orders another round.
From USA Today:
Yao leads Shaq by 60,000 in All-Star voting
— Democrats call for recount, cite several boxes of ballots found in warehouses, voter irregularities.
Famous Blogger heads home for Christmas;
http://www.imao.us/archives/002532.html
-Ted Kaczynski says he doesn’t know why
his son is so fond of blowing things up.
From the AP:
Breast Enlargement Contest Draws Fire
–contest winners used as cover
From BBC
Venezuela identifies ‘idle’ farms
–Clay Aiken’s unusual interest in this year’s coffee bean harvest explained
“IAEA Finds Egypt Secret Nuclear Program”
Stack of Playboys Found Underneath That
“Abbas Refers to Israel as ‘Zionist Entity’
Sharon-Abbas Wedding ‘Now in Serious Doubt’
“Steps Taken to Protect Kids in Tsunamis”
Condoms Now Mandatory
“Malaysian Ship Rescues Tsunami Survivor”
Then Rams Commuter Ferry. 158 Dead.
Child Loses in Three-Way Custody Fight
Demands rematch
Ramsey Clarke to Defend Saddam
Ex-dictator sites concerns of “space lasers”
AP
“Woman to Give Birth to Second Twin”
Tells reporter: “I’ve never been the save-for-a-rainy-day type.”
AP
“Arrested Calif. Mosque Leader Leaves U.S.”
Whines: “I’m taking my bomb and going home.”
AP
“Study: Diuretics a Net Plus for Elderly”
And a Gross Minus for the next person to sit there.
Iraqis in U.S. Face Big Hurdles to Voting:
“All things considered, we’d prefer synchronized swimming”, says voter.
From Drudge Report:
SHOCK AFTER CNN CHIEF ‘FLOOD THE ZONE’ COMMENT
Suprised by the tidal wave of criticism
(via Fox)
“More Storms Predicted for Embattled West”
Dems want to know when Bush will admit California quagmire.
From Fox News:
“Bush SS Plan Revealed”
Democratic Underground collectively craps selves.
“State Department: Anti-Semitism on Rise”
Online Banking at an all time high.
“Bush to Illinois to Push Tort Reform”
Tort Reform spirals out of the state, swears, “I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS, BUSH!” as it falls out the door.
“Moderate to Seek DNC Chair”
Fails to realize that Kennedy never got up and walked around in a circle with the rest when the music started again.
“Whistleblower Questions AIDS Study”
AIDS Study replies: “I am made out of paper.”
Light Alcohol Use Doesn’t Raise Stroke Risk
But heavy petting risk soars, says survey.
Yahoo! AP News Headlines
Krispy Kreme Shares Dip On Restatement
Denies having hogged dip to themselves.
Yahoo! AP Sports Headlines
O’Neal Scores 55 As Pacers Beat Bucks
Pacers couldn’t find any Pistons fans to beat on.
Yahoo! AP Technology Headlines
REVIEW: ‘Snake Eater’ Combines Rambo, 007
RESULT: A dapper looking man who seems as if he’s speaking through a potato.
Yahoo! AP Technology News
‘Spam King’ To Stop Invading Computers
Vows to kick out UN weapons inspectors in future.
Yahoo! AP Technology Headlines
TIVO Unveils Portable Transfer Service
Imam expected to deliver fatwa in response.
Yahoo News:
Bush Soc. Sec. Plan to Allow Tax Diversion
Man shouts “Look behind you!” to auditor, then runs away
Yahoo News:
Cleric Suspect Misses Hearing Due to Long Toe Nails
He’d hear better if he stopped sticking his feet in his ears
AP
“Polish Conjoined Twins Undergo Separation”
Avoid worst of “how-many-does-it-take” jokes.
AP
“Bipolar Alcoholics Helped by Seizure Drug”
Remain depressed and drunk, but now seizure-free!
AP
” Malaysia Intensifies Anti-Dengue Measures”
Denmark’s homosexuals detest the measures AND the new nickname.
(your pronunciation might make it funny)
Yahoo! AP Sports Headlines
White, Peterson Flop at Orange Bowl
White, Peterson arrested for vagrancy.
Yahoo! Washingtonpost.com Headlines
Gonzales Helped Set the Course for Detainees
Difficult 18th hole decried by Amnesty International as ‘tortuous’.
from Fox:
Judge Orders Addict Not to Have More Children
Disappointed daughter claims, “If he ordered the veal I might have a little brother”
from Fox:
Man Charged in Laser Case
“Now I just walk around zapping everything. I urge everyone to stay out of laser cases!”
from Fox:
Bush SS Plan Details Released
Crazy moonbats exclaim, “See! We told you so!”, and are then shipped off to camps.
From Pioneer press:
Police officer answers colleague’s call
Cop says, “The phone just rang and I picked it up and it was Bob! I’m no hero. I was just at the right place at the right time”
“J.C. Penney Names Hicks President”
Bill Clinton’s inauguration will take place at the Little Rock Galleria – Sears is demanding recount.
Woman Molests 13-Year-Old Boy
Insert Michael Jackson joke here.
“Victims’ Kin Protest Argentina Club Fire ”
Fire extinguishes itself in shame.
– http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=535&e=5&u=/ap/20050107/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/argentina_nightclub_fire
Fears Tsunami Dead Could Rise Sharply (AP January 6, 2004).
Making them eligible to vote for Democratic candidates