After Cheney was targeted by terrorists while in Afghanistan, numerous urban legends about him have surfaced, some old and some new. Here’s the facts sorted from the fiction:
Claim: Cheney could have been hurt in the bomb attack in Afghanistan.
Status: False
Cheney is invulnerable to conventional weaponry. According to DoD reports, Cheney can only be harmed by a direct nuclear blast or by magical attacks.
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Claim: After the attack, Cheney was rushed to safety.
Status: False
Reportedly, Cheney formed a one man death squad after the attack, killing anyone he suspected had anything to do with the attack or may have known anyone involved with the attack. Everyone in a nearby village was found dead, all having been blasted in the face with a shotgun. In the center of the village was Cheney’s usual calling card: a strangled puppy.
Claim: Despite his gruff demeanor, Cheney is a compassionate man.
Status: False
Cheney is a merciless killing machine and knows no emotion. According to Cheney’s staff, he wants to kill you right now. When asked for a reason, the only answer given was, “Because he’s Dick Cheney.”
Claim: To protect his health after numerous heart attacks, Cheney follows a strict, healthy diet.
Status: False
Cheney’s heart was reconstructed in a sole-source Halliburton contract, and Cheney needs to bite the heads off live kittens for fuel. The alternative fuel source is whiskey.
Claim: Cheney divorced all financial ties to Halliburton by insuring his pension.
Status: False
Halliburton continues to pay Cheney money out of fear. The amount is based on how much pain and suffering he causes in the world.
Claim: Cheney received five draft deferments to keep him out of the Vietnam War.
Status: False
The U.S. government decided not to deploy Cheney in the Vietnam War to avoid charges of war crimes.
Claim: One of Cheney’s daughters is a lesbian.
Status: False
You’re a lesbian.
Claim: Cheney swallows small children whole.
Status: False
He chews first.
Yeeha! Finally, there’s someone to replace the Rumsfeld Strangler. When will Cheney appear in more IMW’s?
Could someone please give Sarcasm Man’s GPS coordinates to Cheney?
Printed and hanging outside my cube for public offence. Thank you sir.
I hope I don’t get in trouble for LOLing in my school library!
Thanks, Frank!
The thing is, if Cheney had come face to face with this bomber, he probably could have convinced him to go back and blow all his comrades to hell. He is that good. A couple of weeks ago, in a heated exchange on CNN, he came thisclose to convincing Wolf Blitzer to put his head through a window and cut his own throat.
Look at Joe Lieberman. After Cheney disemboweled him in the 2000 VP debate, he had no stomach for the post-election brouhaha. He then ran a half-hearted campaign for President in ’04. Now he’s pretty much a reliable source for Republican talking points.
Hopefully, Cheney got Musharraf straightened out while he was over there. Now he needs a roundtable with Pelosi, Murtha, Reid, Levin, Schumer…
Claim: Cheney swallows small children whole.
Status: False
He chews first.
OR
Claim: Cheney swallows small children whole.
Status: False
You swallow!
The V.P. must be doing something right, otherwise our enemies wouldn’t be after him. Look at the do- nothings and lay-abouts in Congress. Nobody cares enough to blow smoke in their faces.
The shrieker of the house is such a non-entitiy that most people can’t even remember her name. That’s got to hurt.
Status: False
You’re a lesbian.
I still haven’t learned not to eat or drink while reading your posts.
Snot bubble funny
//Claim: Cheney swallows small children whole.
Status: False
He chews first.//
Maybe. There are rumours that he unhinges his lower jaw & devours live mountain lions whole.
Is it just me, or has it been much funnier here lately?
Have you leveled up, Frank?
//Claim: Cheney swallows small children whole.
Status: False
He chews first.//
‘Cause they’re crunchy and good with ketchup.
I’m with Moneyman on the comeback of,
Status: False
You’re a lesbian.
An even better reply would be:
“So’s your face!!”
I think Moonbunny’s thought processes are permeating my responses. Damn ninth graders
“So’s your face!!”
I’ve yet to see a good retort to that one. Whoever gets it out first is sure to win the argument.
NO U!
@seanmahair
so, in other words, the only way you can ever do something right is if you make enemies by doing it?