The Supreme Court has ruled that the EPA can regulate greenhouse gas emissions. Since one of the most common greenhouse gases is carbon dioxide — emitted every time you breathe — the EPA now has control over your exhaling. It is important you understand that your breathing doesn’t just affect you; it affects all living creatures, especially those most vulnerable to climate change. Thus, you should be aware of these new breathing regulations:
REGULATIONS ON BREATHING
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* Ban on Jogging: Jogging does nothing but cause the jogger to breathe heavily, and thus it is an assault on the Earth’s climate. If you see anyone jogging, report him or her to the police. If you see police chasing a jogger on foot, report them as well.
* Ban on Strenuous Activity: Any physical labor can induce excessive breathing. All physical labor should now be done by carbon-neutral robots. These robots should be compliant to Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics, though non-compliant robots built in 2006 or earlier can be grandfathered in.
* Ban on Sports: Sports involve a lot of heavy breathing from physically-taxed athletes as well as greenhouse contribution from shouting spectators. Only non-strenuous sports — such as chess tournaments — and polite clapping by spectators are allowed.
* Ban on Passionate Love Making: Passionate sexual activity results in unsafe amounts of breathing. Love making should instead be conducted in a businesslike and formal manner. Any other types of love making should be discouraged. If you know of any instances of passionate love-making, make sure to inform everyone.
* Ban on Creepy Phone Calls: Creepy phone calls with heavy breathing contribute greatly to greenhouse gases. If a creepy phone call must be made, simply hang up when the other party answers or use something to hide your voice while making creepy statements.
* Ban on Nagging: One of the largest contributions to greenhouse gases is the amount of exhaling done from women when nagging men. Since the men were most likely never listening in the first place, nagging is a complete waste that damages the environment. Women are strongly encouraged to stick to passive-aggressive behavior.
* Tax on Obesity: The obese tend to become short of breath more often leading to excessive breathing and thus damage to the environment. While obesity can’t be outlawed, it can be taxed. Also, environmentally concerned citizens are encouraged to promote healthy weight by referring to the obese as “Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.”
* Ban on Ax-Wielding Maniacs: People chased by ax-wielding maniacs tend to breathe at an excessive and environmentally harmful rate, so ax-wielding maniacs are banned until further notice.
The EPA asks you to please keep these new regulations in mind, and to…
THINK BEFORE YOU BREATHE!
WHY should we think before we breathe when Justice Stevens never thinks before he writes?
Ban on Al Gore Debating Anyone. He is unable to refrain from sighing loudly which is a form of exhaling.
Every time you exhale, you kill a baby polar bear
But I LIKE killing baby polar bears.
Thank you for not mentioning the carbon dioxide that’s released every time I open a cold bottle of beer.
spacemonkey, Al’s already taking care of that by declaring everything a scientific concensus, and thus not needing debate. truly he is our savior!
I know of passionate lovemaking, but I don’t want to get my husband arrested, so I shall keep quiet.
Please delete my comment to protect the guilty.
Silicon Valley,
you raise a valid point. if we don’t kill the polar bears, there won’t be enough seals to club, since they’ll have eaten them all.
(that little sucker is cute though. his head and neck don’t look at all like a polar bear though, they must change shape as they grow)
I would think that fully grown polar bears would exhale far bigger amounts of CO2 than a human would. Best to kill them when they’re small, before they can cause massive amounts of global warming. Although, if we did let them live and grow and breathe that would melt the polar ice caps faster, thus drowning themselves and taking care of the problem all by itself. Hmmmm…I’m a little conflicted here.
Also, does this ban include protesting and all the (ob)noxious gasses that result from chanting empty slogans? I would support an open season on protestors to cut back on CO2 emissions.
I would also think that wearing toilet water socks would somehow endanger the environment.
G, but they live in a cold climate, which probably means reduced breath rate.
very on point with the protestors though. all hail the law of unintended consequences!
Also, does this ban include protesting and all the (ob)noxious gasses that result from chanting empty slogans? I would support an open season on protestors to cut back on CO2 emissions.
Good point, G Fresh. I’m reasonably sure that the vapors emitted by smelly hippies are greenhouse gases. Open season on hippies! That would make a BIG difference some forty miles or so north of Silicon Valley.
Following this post, CAIR announced the breathing is an affront to the Muslim people and their religion of peace. They have requested a formal apology from those who breathe.
* Outlaw Islam: All that seething produces massive quantities of carbon dioxide.
Ban laughter, especially the hyperventillative kind produced by shameless warming-friendly websites like this one! (The root of all fascism is a lack of a sense of humor).
can I make jackets and gloves and hats and other various clothing with the polar bears?
Can you imagine the damage Ted Kennedy is doing? What about the toxins when he belches?
As long as the little polar bears are dying anyway, can I get one of their hides to make a hat?
//* Tax on Obesity: The obese tend to become short of breath more often leading to excessive breathing and thus damage to the environment//
OH NO, FATTY MACGEE!! YOU’RE GONNA GET TAXED FOR CLIMBING THOSE STAIRS!
But I like the stairs(wheeez)they’re FUUUUUN!!!