I get annoyed at the all the Obamaniac’s and their sacred chanting. Don’t you?
Yes, We Can!
Yes, We Can!
Yes, We Can!
Yes, We Can!
So when you hear Obombified people doing this, interupt.
Shake your head sadly and confidently say
No, McCain’t!
No, McCain’t!
No, McCain’t!
I admit it doesn’ make any more sense than ‘Yes We Can” but its also pretty hard to argue with.
PREVIOUS
When Bryce and Lulu returned, Bryce was wearing a brand new suit and Lulu once again looked like she was dressed for high school. She now had on a small pink jacket, giving her some place to conceal a gun. The outfit she had obtained for Charlene was jeans, a biker jacket with metal studs, and a t-shirt with kittens on it. Doug merely got new pair of jeans and just wore t-shirt he already has on advertising the video game Death Legion 6 (which was no where near as good as Death Legion 5: The Reckoning). They also had a katana for Doug, which he thought was cool but figured the reason they gave him that is because they didn’t trust him with a gun. He didn’t think of himself as irresponsible; he just had some bad luck with firearms that was apparently much more memorable than the countless time he didn’t fire his gun without mean to.
Prepared as they were ever going to be, they headed out, it once again being Doug’s job to carry the weird cube in its cloth sack — something he quite hated. He kept worrying it was going to do weird things to his soul, but he had no one of knowing if his soul was normal or not anyway. They were soon out of the slums into a somewhat nicer part of the city, and Doug realized a sword not only made him feel less prepared for any attack, but also made him more conspicuous. “Everyone will think you’re so awesome, you don’t even need a gun,” Lulu assured him.
“No one is that stupid except maybe Doug himself,” Charlene countered.
Bryce led them to the third floor of a decent apartment building. “Best behavior, people. This is a good contact into the upper levels of Dammon’s criminal enterprise, so we need to look professional.”
Charlene glanced at Doug and Lulu. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“So is this who you were sleeping with to get all your criminal underworld info?” Lulu asked Bryce.
“Tri-Lu! That’s none of your business!” Bryce knocked on the door. An attractive, tall blond woman answered the door. She was wearing a black pants suit sans jacket, a shoulder holster over her white dress shirt. She smiled. “Bryce, glad to see you made it out of Shride in one piece.”
“In crisis there is opportunity.” Bryce motioned to the other three. “Lara, these are my associates I told you about.”
She took a glance at them and seemed to suppress a laugh. “I imagined them different. Come on in.” She led them into her apartment. It was neat but quite Spartan as well to the point it looked like it could have been decorated by a bachelor. Lara looked over Doug for a moment. “You any good with that sword?”
“I’m adequate.”
“He’s fought the Hallowed before,” Bryce said.
Lara smiled, once again looking like there was a laugh just slightly below the surface. “So did you guys have much trouble getting out of that city in the middle of an attack?” Lara asked.
“Of course not.” Lulu folded her arms and stared at Lara menacingly. “We’re Team Hellbender. We’re badass mercenaries.”
“Hellbender? I like the name. Where did you get it from?”
“When I was eight, I saw in a book there was a type of salamander called a hellbender,” Doug said, “and I thought that was cool.”
“A salamander?”
“It’s like a lizard… but wetter.”
Lara laughed. “I know what a salamander is. Why did you name your group after a salamander?”
Doug thought for a moment. “Because it had a cool name.”
Bryce stepped in front of Doug. “Ignore him; he’s got a dry sense of humor that not everyone gets. So, do you think you’ll be able to get us in to see Colette? I’m sure someone could use the arms we’ve acquired. Plus, we have something of special interest to her.”
Lara giggled. “Ooh! Sounds important.” Lara put on her suit jacket. “Anyway, I don’t think it should be a problem getting you in to see her. You’ll need to show up separately from me, though. I’d rather her not know my relations. Like you guys, I’m one of the Last Children, and any supposed lapse in judgment will be heavily scrutinized.”
Bryce nodded. “Of course.”
“You have spot on your shirt.” Charlene point to a little red dot on Lara’s collar.
Lara looked down and quickly spotted it. “Crap.” She blushed a bit as she looked back up at her company. “You shoot people in the head so many times, you think you get used to the way things are going to fly everywhere, but it can still surprise you. I’ll need to change.” She disappeared into her bedroom.
Doug was now more than a little concerned. “When you lie to women and sleep with them, they usually end up so mad they want to kill you. Isn’t really bad idea to do that to a woman who is actually is good at killing?”
Bryce scoffed. “She’s a professional; she’s not going to let girly emotions get the better of her.”
“You all know that Bryce has no idea what he’s getting us into and this is going to end very poorly, right?” Charlene stated.
“Of course it’s going to be a disaster, Charlene,” Lulu said, “but unlike you, we like to pretend otherwise. It’s called optimism; it makes people more pleasant to be around.”
Bryce did not look amused. “Stealing the merchandise was the hard part, and that’s done. I don’t know why you think selling it will be a problem; that’s such a simple thing.” He turned to Doug. “How does selling work?”
“Um… you give someone something, and he gives you money.”
Bryce turned back to the women. “See? It’s so simple, even Doug understands it.”
Lara emerged from her bedroom, a new shirt under her suit jacket. “I have some work to do, but I’ll see you tonight.” She lead them all out her front door, locked it, and handed Bryce a piece of paper. “Here’s where you’ll need to be. Remember: Colette is above all a business woman, so don’t waste her time or she’ll rip your head off.”
“Like for real?” Doug asked.
Lara just smiled and walked off down the hallway.
Doug turned to his friends. “She’s not actually going to rip our heads off, right?”
“I give us about a fifty percent chance of being shot or beaten to death,” Charlene said.
“Cool. I don’t want my head ripped off.”
NEXT
NOTE: This is an explanation about relationships for liberals. Most others should understand this concept, but you can read it if you feel the need to refresh yourself on these fundamental principles.
I know many of you liberals are reacting to the connection of the racist Wright with Obama by noting controversial figures who were at one point near other candidates. I guess how you’re looking at the situation is that Obama and Wright have been near each other on the three spatial dimensions, so if someone else has been recorded as being near a controversial figure in the known spatial dimensions you see that as exactly the same. What you’re forgetting to factor in, though, is the fourth temporal dimension. When you tag the three spatial dimensions with a temporal dimension and look at the data, you’ll notice a difference. Obama has been near Wright in the three spatial dimensions at many different times over the past twenty years. The examples you people have been bringing up involve usually a single temporal instance of spatial closeness. For two individuals to have what is considered a “relationship,” you should look for many instances of spatial closeness over a large time period.
Using this new knowledge, see if you can understand why if I pass a woman in the hallway I now don’t have as close a relationship to her as my wife of two and half years.
I should note, though, if you find closeness between a candidate and a racist on a fourth spatial dimension, this is notable regardless of the temporal dimension. If a candidate is meeting a racist in a universe beyond human perception, this is something voters should know about.
CHICAGO (AP) – Cardinal Francis George interrupted a protest against the war in Iraq Sunday at Holy Name Cathedral by quietly giving an Easter homily, disrupting the important message of peace being delivered by the protesters.
 |
Three male and three female protesters vainly attempted to cogently argue the wrongness of the war by squirting fake blood on themselves and parishioners, but many fear the message may have been lost due to Cardinal George’s obstructive scripture reading.
One protest attendee, Mike Wainscott of Chicago, yelled at the Cardinal.
“Are you happy with yourself?” he said. “There were kids in there! How can they learn war is wrong if you won’t let them get splattered with a mixture of corn syrup and red food coloring? Are you happy now?”
Speaking afterward, the leader of the protesters, Ryane J. Ziemba, said, “We should all work for peace, but not by interrupting my petulant screeching about a war that doesn’t affect me personally, since I, you know, never volunteered to serve in the Armed Forces.”
Cardinal George said he was a member of a group calling itself “The Catholic Church”, which issued a statement after the arrest, saying the intrusive sermon was staged “to reach both Holy Name’s large anti-war audience – including Chicago’s most prominent peacenik and hippie citizens, who commonly attend the church strictly to show opposition to the war in Iraq – and the many more viewers and readers of the local press, which don’t give a crap about Christianity except on Christmas and Easter.”
Kevin Clark of International Solidarity Movement told the Chicago Tribune that he attended to serve as a witness for the protesters and see to it that Cardinal George was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for interrupting them.
“If Cardinal George is a man of peace and is walking the walk and talking the talk, he should have confronted George Bush and demanded an immediate end to the war,” Clark said. “Or at least held up a ‘Bush=Hitler’ sign to make up for wasting everyone’s time blathering on about the 9th Commandment.”
Among the many odd things we’ve heard Wright say, in one of the clips he mentioned how awful it was that the Supreme Court Justices the Republicans appointed are going to overturn Roe v. Wade… because you know how important legalized abortion is to the Christian faith.
Actually, does anyone have any evidence these were supposed to be actual sermons about the Gospel and not just a political rant by a really ignorant liberal? Then again, I’ve never been to a liberal church, so I have no idea what stuff they talk about there. The whole idea of liberals and Christianity is kinda odd. At times, Jesus can be a real right-wing Christian — especially about sex — and liberals hate that. Isn’t it a lot easier to just not believe in the guy than to find some way to twist around His words so that you can imagine Him saying, “Abortion is awesome!”? With the amount of scripture you have to ignore to say that fornication and homosexuality is hunky-dory, it makes me wonder why those people even bother with the Bible?
And do liberal Christians have some apocryphal story where Jesus mugs a bunch of people and then gives their money to the poor, because that would go a long way towards explaining liberals confusions of taxation and charity.
Tell me that isn’t really creepy in its own special way.
(hat tip Ace)
…Monday!
Due to a bleeding dog (she’s okay, but her head is wrapped up like she just had brain surgery even though the only thing bleeding was her ear), I didn’t have time to edit the next part of Hellbender (yes, I do attempt to edit them), so the story will continue Monday. If you don’t like Hellbender, then you will be unaffected by this announcement.
Now stay tuned for IMAO’s regular weekend programming.
Following the suspension of staffer for linking to a YouTube video critical of Obama, Senator John McCain has reportedly locked his mother in the attic for stating to visitors, “I don’t like how Obama dragged his poor grandma into this.”
“That is a personal attack,” McCain explained to reporters. “And personal attacks have no place in my campaign. Thus, I have locked my mother in the attic with no food so she can think of what she’s done.”
McCain’s mother is ninety-five years old — almost as old as John McCain himself. She was unavailable for comment due to her being locked in an attic.
Researchers at Duke University subjected participants to subliminal images of the iconic Apple and IBM logos (during what subjects thought was a visual acuity test), and those who were shown the Apple logo generated more creative ideas after the test than did those who were shown the IBM logo.
[Hat tip: Jim]
Which brings up the obvious question – What effect does this logo have on people?
My answers in the extended entry, yours in comments, please.
Since Barack Obama had his passport data illegally accessed, he is at risk for identity theft. If someone purchases something from you with a credit card and claims to be Barack Obama, it would be a good idea to do some extra checks on his identity by asking a few more questions to confirm he is who he says he is:
QUESTION #1: What is your middle name?
CORRECT ANSWER: “It’s racist to even bring that up.”
QUESTION #2: How would you describe your grandma?
CORRECT ANSWER: “Typical white person.”
QUESTION #3: If you found out someone is a hateful bigot, how quickly should you cut ties with him?
CORRECT ANSWER: “Within twenty years.”
QUESTION #4: I will say a series of words, and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind with each. [Say five random words, waiting for a response for each.]
CORRECT ANSWER: He should answer “hope” or “change” no matter what the words.
Next, ask him a series of questions about foreign affairs. If he’s the real Barack Obama, he should have no idea what you’re talking about.
Also, make sure he is not wearing a flag pin, as that would immediately identify an impostor.
I was thinking my Obama ’08 logo from yesterday is actually pretty awesome. If we printed up a bunch of those as stickers and put them everywhere, the liberals would be crying racism (though they wouldn’t be sure by and against who) and it would be hilarious.
Anyway, here are some other ones for variety:
KROFT: This is a tough question to ask, but a number of years ago, Colin Powell was thinking about running for president, and his wife, Alma, really did not want him to run.
MICHELLE OBAMA: Mm-hmm.
KROFT: She was worried about some crazy person with a gun.
MICHELLE OBAMA: Mm-hmm.
KROFT: Is that something that you think about?
MICHELLE OBAMA: I don’t lose sleep over it, because the realities are that, you know, as a black man, you know, Barack can just be going to the gas station and get infected by a virus made in a government lab by white people to kill minorities, you know. So, you know, you can’t — you know, you can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen. We just weren’t raised that way.
PREVIOUS
“It’s pretty plain looking.” Bryce stared down at the metal cube. “I would expect something important to the Trans to be quite garish.”
“I could put stencils of bunnies on it,” Lulu suggested.
“So what is it?” Charlene nudged it with her foot.
“It’s the bunny cube… or at least it will be when I’m done with it.”
“I just hope who were selling the arms to will know what it is and pay us accordingly,” Bryce said. “She’s a disciple of Dammon… quite important.”
“And when you play dice with it, you always win… because you always roll bunnies!”
“So we’re just going to waltz in, hold up the cube, and say, ‘Do you know what this is and want to pay us for it?’?” Charlene asked.
Bryce chuckled. “We’re not going to do that, Charlene. For one thing, I’m not holding it up because that thing is weird and I’m not touching it.”
“Everyone wins with the bunny cube!”
“It has a key in it.” Doug finally pulled himself off the floor on which he was sleeping of the small, abandoned apartment.
Charlene gave him a dirty look. “Great job keeping guard last night, by the way.”
“I was sleepy! Anyway, I saw the Devil again and he said there’s a key in there.”
Charlene looked confused. “You saw who?”
“Apparently Doug is being visited in his sleep by the personification of evil from biblical mythology,” Bryce explained.
Charlene turned to Doug. “You haven’t been reading that crap, have you?”
“What crap?” Doug realized he could have just said, “No,” since he couldn’t even remember the last time he read anything.
“Religious mythology, because you’re just the kind of idiot that would fall for that sort of thing.”
That stung a bit, but Doug felt there was some truth to it. “I didn’t read anything. I just had some stupid dreams. Forget it.”
Charlene sat on the room’s one bed. She had taken off her uniform’s jacket, but still looked quite military in the pants and tank top. “So are there any plans to get at least a change of clothes, or is a truck full of weaponry hidden in the desert pretty much all we have right now?”
“I keep telling you not to worry.” Bryce checked his tie in the room’s one dingy mirror. “Hey, what ever happened to my suit jacket?”
“I’m afraid I misplaced during one of the gunfights.” Charlene checked the chamber of a pistol. “So what are we doing now?”
“I have some funds tucked away.” Bryce tried to fix his hair with a comb. “I’ll need a new suit, and Lulu can get you some new clothes while we’re out.”
Lulu was busy working at something on the ground. “Children sizes are hard to find these days.”
“Lulu, if you get me something idiotic, i.e., something you would wear, I will hurt you. Do you understand that?”
Lulu didn’t look up from her work. “Blah blah blah.”
“This will all be sorted out soon,” Bryce said. “As soon as we’re ready, we’ll be meeting up with a friend of mine who should be able to get us in to see Colette, Dammon’s head honcho here. We’ll sell the arms to her and have plenty of money until we get our next job. We have a new life; be happy.”
Charlene did not look ready to be happy. “You understand that if people hire us as mercenaries, they’ll actually be expecting us to do those jobs. You’re not going to be able to BS your way through everything.”
Bryce chuckled. “You put too much weight on your weapons skills, dear. This isn’t going to be all about combat, and we all bring valuable skills to the table. I’m good dealing with people. Lulu has tech experience.”
“And Doug?”
“Well, Doug…” Bryce thought for a moment. “…is good at carrying stuff. In fact, had I entrusted him to carry my expensive suit jacket, I’m quite sure I’d still have it. Also, he can throw a good punch when needed. He knocked out some guy for me just last week.”
Doug knuckles were still swollen from that. “What was that all about, anyway?”
Bryce gave Doug a sharp look. “As I said then, it’s none of your business.”
Doug turned to Charlene. “And if you remember, I got an ‘Adequate’ score on my swordsmanship in my military training.”
“And exactly what use is that?”
Doug knew the answer to that one as he had thought about it many times. “Guns aren’t very effective against the Hallowed, but you can defeat them by cutting them apart.”
Charlene laughed. “Except that one of the Hallowed could probably just tear you apart with his mind.”
“See, Doug is useful. Since Colette is one of the Hollow, if something goes wrong it can be Doug’s job to run up and give her a good punch and then cut her to pieces… if she doesn’t kill him with her mind.”
Doug shook his head. “I don’t like the idea of hitting a woman.”
Bryce shrugged. “Fine. Doug is completely useless. But we need four people for our mercenary group, but I’m sure just three of us being skilled is enough for any job. You ready to go, Tri-Lu?”
“Yeah.” She got up from her hidden work and looked to Charlene and Doug. “You two be sweet while we’re gone and guard the mysterious bunny cube.”
“We’re not calling it that!” Charlene shouted.
“Yes we are!” Lulu screamed back. She stormed out with Bryce giving a final wave before following.
There was a moment’s quiet, and Doug decided to sit down on the bed next to Charlene. “You know, it’s been a while since it’s just been us two–”
Charlene sighed. “How many times do I have to tell you that I absolutely no interest in you, Doug? You’re a pathetic loser, and if you ever had the will to stand up to Bryce, maybe he and Lulu wouldn’t feel so empowered to drag me into this crap.”
“You’d rather have been left back in Stride? We’re supposed to stick together, Charlene.”
“Says who?”
Doug just thought that was the understanding they had since they were kids. “What else do we have than each other? The world hates us. They slaughtered our parents for stuff I don’t even understand, and somehow we’re the bad guys.”
“And the answer to that is to be petty criminals?”
The answer, Doug thought, was to fight back. He just wished Stan’s words were true that that was even possible — that there was some power greater than the Trans. He looked towards the cube, now back in its cloth sack and lying on the ground.
“If that thing is actually something the governments want,” Charlene said, “then we better get rid of it quick one way or another. If Elza’s people we fought at the armory survived, they’re probably right now trying to find out who and where we are. Who knows who else is trying to track it down.”
It was a scary thought, but if the Transcendents really did fear the contents of the cube, then Doug wanted to know what was in there.
NEXT
