Did you know Poland had bears in their army to help fight the Nazis? That answer is no, no you did not know that. It’s sort of like a more primitive version of my dinosaurs with rocket launchers idea. And it would be really cool to have a whole division of attack bears at our disposal.
“Negotiations have failed! Send in the bears!”
I guess that does sound a bit more like something Russians in comic books would do, but it’s still pretty cool. And we could use other, more available animals in the military now to work our way up to dinosaurs. Like we could have a rhinoceros with mounted gattling guns, an emu with a bazooka — which would technically be a dinosaur with rocket launcher — and elephants with all sorts of weaponry.
In fact, when you think of it, elephants were the original dinosaurs with rocket launchers. Back in ancient times, before they had dinosaurs, Hannibal Lecter marched into Rome with a bunch of giant elephants and everyone was so afraid that they surrendered immediately. And then Hannibal smoked a cigar and said, “I love it when a plan comes together.”
So, for all of you belittling my dinosaurs with rocket launchers idea, there’s precedent for you. So shut your stupid faces!
Hannibal smoked a cigar and…. Ha-ha! I see what you did there!
The website BadAssoftheWeek.com did a good analysis of the story behind this bear over two years ago.
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/voytek.html
And I resent the implication that I did not know about awesome Nazi-fighting Poish bears before this post on IMAO. 😛
Wild boars, Frank. They’re mean, vicious and they hate socialists. (Of course, we all look like socialists to them, but that’s okay. We just get out of the way and let the boars at ’em. Afterwords, bacon all around.)
Tigers with flame throwers. Just don’t arm the monkeys. Can’t trust ’em.
We should train pigs with bacon lipstick to kiss any muzzies in sight. Can you see it? “Ieee, I’ve been kissed by pig!! Unholy lipstick. I am an unclean.” Just air drop the pack on Mecca and Kaboom, er, i mean Kabul.
I’m trying to cross a dog with a horse with a tiger.
I’m looking for something as big as a horse with the build of a tiger but the love of man of a dog for use in Afghanistan. If US Marines are gonna ride something, it needs teeth and claws IMO.
Unfortunately, all I’ve got so far has been a whole bunch of dead dogs and horses and one happy tiger.
Elephants are evil, Frank. Not in the Let’s-Hunt-Down-All-Terrorists-And-Smash-Them-Into-Powder kind of evil but in the Kill-All-Life vein of evil. Monkeys are their lackeys. The monkeys are the dupes of this situation. Face it – have you ever seen a monkey kill an elephant? But everybody has seen that video on Youtube where the elephant stomped the gorilla into a messy red mud puddle.
I found out that elephants are conspiring to take over the world and end all life when I was attacked by an elephant in Riverton, Wyoming. Even in the high deserts of the Rocky Mountains, where elephants are seldom seen, they cannot hold off from their murderous tendencies. I was bringing food to the elephant because I was a nice guy and the elephant attacked me!
Face it – elephants are tons worse than monkeys. Who is king of the jungle? It sure ain’t the monkeys. Lions eat monkeys. Tigers eat monkeys. Cheetahs eat monkeys. Dogs, ants, jackals, piranha, and just about any other predator will eat monkeys. But nobody, and I mean nobody, messes with an elephant. If you arm elephants, Princess Buttercup will not be safe, even in Boise. Like I said, I was attacked in Wyoming. The next time the circus comes to town, there won’t be any more Micron, Albertsons, or JR Simplot left. It’ll be worse than Detroit.
By the way – when the zoo had a baby elephant last year, I visited to look into the face of baby evil to see if there was any way to convert it back to the good side. No such luck. So, I offered to take the baby elephant out back and put a stake through it’s heart. They don’t let me come to the zoo anymore.
Cry, ‘Pollack!’ and let slip the bears of war.
Veeshir’s idea is on the right path. We need to breed mules with wolves. I’m not sure how we’ll manage the logistics, but we can, nay, must try. Our Marines and Soldiers deserve a vehicle capable of hauling goods and killing whatever lives in Afghanistan.
I believe in Red Alert 3 the Russians had armored bears. As much as I love the Rocket Launcher-Dinosaur Idea Frank, what do we do for our Navy? I vote Tomahawk Cruise Sharks for the record.
And how about the Airforce? How about eagles carrying small nukes. You know the “tactical nuke” which just blows the bajeebers out of 1/4 of a country instead of the whole thing! That would be awesome! Plus the Eagle has gotten it pretty good being the National bird and all, it’s time to start kicking in some payback to the evil doers!
It’s good to see that your recent foray into fatherhood hasn’t changed your meticulous attention to detail and historical accuracy. I don’t know that we would have been able to stand it if it had.
hannibal lecter–omg lol
cptnmoroni. every time I visit Wyoming, it isn’t elephants but attacks by vicious, rock-throwing winds that almost rip the door off my car and pelt my face when I stop for gas. Plus, the altitude there is like 140,000′ and there’s no air! The people are great but the state is in the stratosphere, for god sakes. Otherwise, I might move to the great Senator Alan Simpson’s state.
I’m thinking the platypus is the brains of the outfit. All that ugly, God has to have given them intelligence to make up for it. Actually I have a soft spot for the little critters. Kind of makes me think God does have a sense of humor. That and someone’s big ears and someone else’s big keester. I wouldn’t want to be the child looking forward to that.
Is it “Negotiations have failed, send in the bears” (http://tiny.cc/gci3o) or “Negotiations have failed, send in the Bear Cavalry” (http://tiny.cc/45xwy )?
What about the Penguin Army? http://tiny.cc/g6mwq
As far as Rino’s with Gatling guns go, the Brits beat us to it by over 100 years.
@Marko: Speaking of donkeys, I seem to recall that Chesty Puller’s first combat engagement occurred while driving mules laden with machine guns and ammo. Good enough for Chesty, good enough for me.
Suicide Attack Lemurs.
Desert Elephants that attack from the desert. Hey, Elephant!
All I can add are tree swinging monkeys armed with H&K MP5’s.
That would be badass!
Exactly, Burmashave. Exactly.
Jimmy, some say that the legendary Union Pacific Big Boy locomotives were built simply to speed up freight operations. This is partially correct. They were meant to go as fast as possible so the crews wouldn’t spend too much time in Wyoming with the wind, elephants, and survivalist militias.
Hummingbirds that trigger and guide rods of God.
Barry Soetoro has an attack Wookie. Does that count?
There’s always the Army of Lemmings ready to your bidding, before they jump off a cliff.
US Air force: Bat Bombs….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDX9rRuHcn8
the clip is about 9 1/2 minutes long
HA! I laugh at your puny bears…hoo-ha! I spit at your ineffectual bears…pi-touy! In fact…I fart in your bears general direction…baarraaaffffffff! They cannot withstand the awesome power of… http://media.photobucket.com/image/man%20bear%20pig/djmonocle/al_manbearpig.jpg?o=126 Submit to me now, resistance is futile…..Al Gore, former VP and current love poodle, Massageville, CA.
Bat bombs!? What a novel idea! Also cheap, and eco-friendly too. Just think how many jobs I could create (or save) by hiring thousands of unemployed people to scour the country for stray and homeless bats. Good high paying, shovel ready, union jobs I might add! All run by a Bat Czar of course…with thousands more hired to man the new (but vital) Dept. of Chiropterans. And the greatest thing of all…we can use our new bat bombs to replace all those dangerous, environmentally unfriendly, and politically incorrect American nuclear weapons that are such a threat to world peace. A definite win-win situation for Liberals and Progs around the world. The only down side is keeping the real reason for rounding up the bats from those malcontents over at PETA. Now, who could I get to be Bat Czar, I wonder if Bruce Wayne is available?…B. Obama, looking out for you, Washington DC.
In fact, when you think of it, elephants were the original dinosaurs with rocket launchers. Back in ancient times, before they had dinosaurs, Hannibal Lecter marched into Rome with a bunch of giant elephants and everyone was so afraid that they surrendered immediately. And then Hannibal smoked a cigar and said, “I love it when a plan comes together.” Ha! That’s complete bulls**t and you know it!! There were NO cigars back then!!
An army of Woodchucks and Beavers…nom…nom…nom…
Much more costly and environmentally destructive would be cloning the giant lumbering beast Whoopi Goldberg and arming each with a dozen or two of cloned Bob Etheridges. Begin Operation Headlock and Stompy Stomp now!!!
The more I think about it, the funnier the thought of a giant lumbering beast Whoopi Goldberg becomes.
Hey, Jimmy. An Elephant never forgets… Or Forgives. And, and Elephant never forgets… to reload.
Armed elephants aren’t good enough these days. What we need are mûmakils. Where’s Tolkien when you need him.