WASHINGTON (AP) – As a follow-up to its Fast & Furious gun-smuggling program, the Department of Justice is coordinating with the Department of Homeland Security to ship 450 million bullets to Mexico.
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Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano explained that the move was an attempt to correct some of the errors made during the DoJ’s recent program to sneak American firearms into the hands of Mexican drug lords, and then use their inevitable murderous rampages as leverage for stronger gun control laws in the United States.
“Monday the FedEx guy just dropped 450 million bullets on our doorstep for some reason,” said Napolitano. “Probably should’ve got to the Department of Defense down the hall. Lord knows if our troops had that much ammo, WE sure as heck wouldn’t need it. But, I didn’t ask any questions. I’m a member of President Obama’s cabinet. They don’t pay me to think.”
“Anyway, a couple hours later, Eric Holder pops his head into my office and asks to ‘borrow a bullet to put an end to the humiliation of my scandal once and for all’. I said ‘sure, take 450 million of them.’ Then his eyes got real wide like he just had a great idea. You could almost see the light bulb over his head. It wasn’t a CFL, bulb, though. I’m going to report him to Steven Chu for that.”
At at press conference on Thursday, Attorney General Eric Holder announced he would launch a follow-up program to “Fast & Furious” called “Bullets for Banditos”.
“As I mentioned in my previous congressional testimony, I realize now that the ‘Fast & Furious’ program was executed ‘extremely poorly’. You see, although we shipped thousands of guns to vicious criminal kingpins south of the artificial line drawn between the two great nations of Mexico and America, we completely forgot to give them any bullets. I mean, like, WOW! What the heck was I thinking?”
“However, the United States fully intends to correct its embarrassing oversight, and those most desperately in need of the capability to intimidate and slaughter anyone who might get in their way can rest assured that we will address this situation with all due haste.”
Asked if he was concerned that some people might consider the operation’s name racist, Holder replied, “absolutely not.”
“First,” he explained, “I’m black, and therefore incapable of racism, so it’s racist of you to even ask that question. Second, all Hispanics were recently reclassified as white, and you’d have to be a complete idiot to think that ‘banditos’ was an ethnic slur against white people.”
Chastised, the reporter then withdrew the question.
Ah yes your tax dollars at work.
450 million bullets. Americans own 80-100 million guns and an unknown number of bullets but you have to figure the total number is in the billions. DHS is still out-gunned and out-bulleted.
They’re also stupid under the current administration.
I love these Newsish Fakery pieces to death, Harvey!!
Because, hey, what could go wrong? The enlightened thinkers of the US DoJ have spoken and peace will break out all over, the bullets will be used for celebratory displays and other peaceful purposes, and generations of Mexican citizens will say that this was the day that the seas stopped rising and earth began to heal . . . Oops, sorry, wrong speech there.
Mexico’s policy of No Immigrants Or Mexicans Allowed takes creative and often drastic measures to achieve. Good news is they are negotiating with Frank to buy four million Mexi-Cannons. The Fly Or Die mandate should speed things up.
I am so confused. I thought only white people could be racist. Now this Latino guy is supposed to be a racist for killing a black guy. Is this just an example of a latino taking the job of racism away because white folks have just become too lazy to do it?
Latinos: Killing the people whites refuse to.
You must remember AwesometificAmerican…according to the media this guy is a ‘white’ hispanic. As everyone knows they’re the worst kind!
At at press conference on Thursday, Attorney General Eric Holder announced he would launch a follow-up program to “Fast & Furious” called “Bullets for Banditos”.
as a successor program to Moochelle’s “No Fritos for Banditos” program, no doubt.
One of your best, Harvey, and that’s a high standard!
Since they asked for bullets rather than whole rounds, I suggest sending them to Mexico through the barrel of a rifle.