“Jack Bauer, we don’t need dinosaurs like you torturing people. We’re now civilized and blow people up with drones.” -new season of 24

Not sure my son (1 month) is aware of my existence beyond that I do not provide food.

Seriously, I’ll totally run for president in 2016 if you want me to. That jobs pays like 400k.

My promise as president will be to play video games all day and let you solve your own damn problems unless a country invades or something.

And even if a country invades, I expect you to at least make a Red Dawn type effort before whining to the feds to help out.

Frank J. 2016: “Stop acting like you have actual problems, you whiners.”

Frank J. 2016: “Unless you’re starving, I don’t care about your stupid ‘problem.’ And if you are starving, I still don’t care.”

“I mean, really, squirrels figure out how not to starve all by themselves. I think you can do it.”

Frank J. 2016: “What this country needs is an old-fashioned hippie punching.”

Frank J. 2016: “If it’s a real problem, you shouldn’t trust the government to solve it.”

Frank J. 2016: “My running mate will be fire. It will be his job to determine which federal agencies need to go.”

Frank J. 2016: “Don’t whine to me in headbutt range.”

Frank J. 2016: “We’ll just leave each other alone and we’ll get along just fine.”

Frank J. 2016: “Whether you live or die, I get paid the same.”

Day one as president, I’m going to set D.C. on fire. Then I head to Camp David and that will be the last you hear of me for the term.

Frank J. 2016: “The only time you’ll see me on TV is if someone is getting nuked.”

Frank J. 2016: “Compassionate conservatism means I’ll try not to laugh while you suffer from your own stupidity.”

“Stop whining.” -my campaign slogan and the entire text of my State of the Union speeches

Man of Steel is rotten on Rotten Tomatoes, but Superman Returns was fresh so critics apparently don’t know what a good Superman movie is.

Lesson from Jeb Bush: No matter how much of an amnesty shill a Republican is, the left will still jump on any chance to brand you a racist.

“Get off my field of skulls!” -Arnold Schwarzenegger as old man Terminator in Terminator 5

Schwarzenegger is actually a strangely easy name to spell correctly.

Gun control ad that might work: “If more stringent background checks are passed, Michael Bloomberg will be publicly punched in the junk.”

They say men and women are equal, but men have a much better record of not getting themselves oppressed by the opposite sex.

Bought Witcher 2 because it was on sale and heard so many raves. Don’t know when I’ll have time for all these Steam games.

But they’re just so cheap. $8, $5, $2.50 is so little to spend on a great game I’ll never have time to play.

I’m trying to be more disciplined only playing games when they are fun. If it’s not fun, I don’t beat at just move on to next game.

I’m also drowning in unplayed games from those Humble Bundles (of which I activated all the games on Steam).

A PC rig (I have a gaming laptop) is way more expensive than a console, but you make up for it in game savings.

Remember when we used to drink water from the tap like a bunch of filthy savages?

Toes are not that important to the human body, SO WHY DO THEY HURT SO MUCH WHEN THEY’RE HIT?!