BERKELEY (AP) – James Smith, a conservative student at the University of California, Berkeley, was expelled last week after being accused of using the hate phrase “I d*sagree” during a conversation with a fellow student in an economics class.

“We’re very open here at UCB,” said Dean of Students Jeffrey Edleson. “We believe in vigorously protecting free speech in all its forms. But we also have an obligation to consider student safety, so we encourage ‘safe speech’ in order to avoid unnecessary hurt or discomfort. We want to promote expressing differing ideas, while also making sure that no one feels cognitively invalidated. That’s why Berkeley’s ‘safe speech code’ prohibits dangerous assault conversations that include hate speech, hate phrases, and hate words.”

“Soon,” Edleson said, “we hope to add additional rules against hate syllables, hate letters, and hate punctuation.”

The victim of the hate incident, Kyleigh Delikata, described what it was like to be exposed to Smith’s verbal defilement.

“I was just sitting in class, minding my own business, explaining to everyone why the moral superiority of socialism more than balanced out the occasional… trouble… it has keeping its citizens alive,” said Delikata, death-gripping one the campus’s free communal stuffed ‘comfort bears,’ causing white, fluffy batting to extrude from a small neck rip like a cottony sausage-maker. “When suddenly, Smith dropped a d-bomb on me. Right there in class. Right out in public! BAM! ‘I d*sagree’. And you should’ve seen the crazy look in his eyes. Totally calm. Like he wasn’t even angry about anything. Gives me the creeping heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.”

Tears fell on her cotton-sausage as she continued, a broken shell of a woman.

“And he went on. It wasn’t just the d-word. He just kept pummeling me with obscenities, going on about ‘e*idence’, ‘f*cts’, ‘l*gic’, ‘r*eason’… and then he said I was… I was… ‘w*rong’.

More tears, followed by a plaintive gaze.

“I hope you’re going to censor those words when you write this,” pleaded Delikata. “I don’t want people thinking I actually talk like that. I feel so dirty saying them. Like I needed a shower. Except I stopped using soap because it’s bad for the environment. Maybe some dry shampoo and talc.”

As for the perpetrator, despite the harsh consequences imposed on him for his actions, he remains recalcitrant and unrepentant.

“I still don’t understand what the fuss was all about,” said Smith. “I was just saying what I honestly believed, as politely as I could. That’s the kind of guy I am. I can’t help it if my mama raised me right.”

As of this writing, Smith is being brought up on further charges for offending students who might read this article but who don’t have a parent who identifies as female.

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