I’ve been thinking about Space Cadet Lisa Marie Nowak and the whole “What if an astronaut goes nuts and drives a thousand miles to stalk, kidnap, and kill their rival?” problem, and the solution is…
Trained monkeys
That’s right: trained monkeys.
Because when it all comes down to it, when was the last time you saw a trained monkey put on a diaper and drive nearly a thousand miles to kidnap and kill the rival for its lover’s affections?
Sure, you might think What about robots? Don’t robots lack the emotional capacity for jealousy that could cause such a mental breakdown like this to take place?
Yes, but based on the annual obstacle course trials put on by DARPA for robot-controlled vehicles, the possibility of a robot driving a thousand miles is slowly but surely becoming a reality.
Also, programming a robot to kidnap and kill someone is about 150 lines of code in C, I hear.
Heck, it’s a native API in Vista now. (Still no RSS feed handlers for Windows Media Player, though)
And then there’s the diaper. We all know that putting a diaper on a robot is child’s play. It’s an option at the factory, next to titantium shielding and laser-eyes.
But trained monkeys? There’s absolutely no way a monkey is going to drive a thousand miles. And even if you teach them to drive a thousand miles, they’re going to get pulled over and busted for not having insurance. (Not even Geico will insure monkey drivers)
Teaching a monkey to stalk, kidnap and kill someone is another matter entirely. I’ve tried doing that as a way to bump off FrankJ, but the monkey usually ends up trying to kill Harvey, or it ends up playing with himself in the corner for an hour.
Monkey assassins? Not likely.
Wearing a diaper, though, that’s also kind of easy to get a monkey to do.
He’ll try to wear it on his head, sure, but that’s just a technicality.
I’m thinkin’ that an even better idea is to leave the chicks in the kitchen where they belong and let the guys do the dangerous stuff like astronaut and test pilot work. The bims. (short for bimbos) can cook a nice dinner and have a cold one ready for us when we get home–and then serve it and shut the hell up because we don’t care what Oprah said on her stupid little show today!
Does this mean we can expect a return of the American Fake Spacemonkey?
I bet Jack Bauer could train a monkey to bump FrankJ off, but he be more likely to torture it for information first.
And even if you teach them to drive a thousand miles, they’re going to get pulled over and busted for not having insurance.
Funny, this hasn’t stopped thousands of ilegal aliens from doing the same thing.
He’ll try to wear it on his head, sure, but that’s just a technicality.
No, he’ll just be mistaken for someone from the Middle East. I guess it depends, though…if the diaper is red, he’ll just be mistaken for someone from a West Coast state.
I say just use a cat. When cats get pissed off, they just give you that rediculous “I’m annoyed” look, or else just vomit or go to the bathroom on something, then you can just throw them against the wall. They’re too small to drive, and the worst thing they can do is claw your pants leg.
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“ends up playing with himself in the corner for an hour”
…does that refer to the monkey or Harvey?
I just think somebody spiked the Tang.
Nowak would have succeeded if only she’d used the trunk monkey to kidnap Colleen Shipman instead of trying to do it herself.
Awesome idea, but wouldn’t it be incredibly difficult to train monkey astronauts not to throw poo in the space shuttle?
Can’t we send Nowak on a long-term solo mission to outer space?
They tried monkeys – one of ’em went on to become the senator from Ohio…