DES MOINES, IA (AP) – As the crowded field of Democrat presidential candidates descended on Iowa ahead of the Democrat primary debates, there was a common thread tying them together – roll back the Trump tax cuts and soak the rich with new tax hikes. Democrat voters cheered each and every vilification of the wealthy, absolutely certain that – unlike every previous Democrat tax increase – THIS time it wouldn’t include them.

Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, while mired in low single digits in polling, roared out his plan to balance the budget on the backs of the rich like a mighty lion.

“Fundamental to this experiment, to America, and our democracy, is ensuring we don’t have princes and princesses, kings and queens, a concentration of wealth and power and privilege. That is exactly what we have in this country right now. A wealth tax on the richest Americans would generate revenue for our common benefit, such as infrastructure projects and health care,” said O’Rourke, before driving away in a limousine with his billionaire heiress wife, Amy.

Kelly Bundy, a long-time Beto fan, expressed her enthusiasm for his message.

“He’s absolutely right, we have to remove the power and the privilege from the wealthy. I remember when President Obama did it by taxing tobacco and tanning beds. I thought, ‘Yeah! Stick it to the man!’ Then I remembered that I smoke and I like fake-baking. So weird. I mean, I’m just a cashier at the local Kroger. I’m not rich. But, ya know… I just TRUST Beto. He wouldn’t let that happen to me again. He’s a good man.”

Front-runner Joe Biden didn’t mince any words when it came to laying out who should pay for what in our great nation.

“I’d crack down on polluting companies, which disproportionately harm communities of color and low-income communities. I’ll fund clean energy research by reversing the excesses of the Trump tax cuts for corporations, reducing incentives for tax havens, evasion, and outsourcing, ensuring corporations pay their fair share, closing other loopholes in our tax code that reward wealth not work, and ending subsidies for fossil fuels,” said Biden before driving away in a limousine with his wife, Jill, and getting 3 miles to the gallon all the way home, which was only slightly less than the entourage of Secret Service agents tailing him were getting in their up-armored SUVs.

Harry Dunne, who considers Joe Biden “a genius,” placed himself foursquare in the 76-year-old Democrat’s camp.

“Joe’s absolutely right, and he’s been right for years. It’s the fault of corporations that I don’t have more money. I Facebook that or something like it nearly every day from my iPhone when I go out for a Starbucks and a lottery ticket. Where’s the justice? Where’s the fairness? I still remember when Bill Clinton was President. He ran on a middle class tax cut, then BAM! turned around and socked the rich real good that year! They never saw it coming. I had a few taxes go up that year, myself. Don’t remember why. Anyway, I’m glad we’ve got ol’ Uncle Joe around to really nail those rich suckers while protecting little guys like me from higher taxes.”

Still hanging onto 2nd place with barely doubLe-digit polling, Bernie Sanders made a pitch familiar to members of his political base.

“Healthcare, yeah, is a right, making sure that our kids can get a higher education is a right, that we rebuild our crumbling infrastructure is a basic need,” Sanders said. “That’s going to cost money.”

“But at a time when the people on top have so much while the middle class shrinks and we have so many people living in poverty, if your question is am I going to demand that the wealthy and large corporations start paying their fair share of taxes, the answer is – darn right I will. People say, where are you going to get the money? Where are you going to get the money? THAT’S where we’re going to begin getting the money,” said Sanders before driving away in a limousine with his wife Jane to one of the three mansions that he owns.

Self-described “Bernie groupie” Biff Tannen said that he was “relieved” that the wealthy would finally pay their fair share.

“Those stupid wealthy always seem to weasel out of things. I remember when Obama said that if you make less than $250,000 a year you ‘will not see your taxes go up one dime.’ When he said that, I thought the key word was ‘not’. Turned out it was ‘one’. I’m STILL paying a lot of extra dimes for my health insurance. But I’m sure it was a lot worse for those rich guys. Anyway, Bernie’s smart enough to know how to keep anything like that from happening to me again. Ya know… somehow… I just believe in the guy.

“Figure if he was a con man trying to pull a fast one,” mused Tannen, “he’d have a more trustworthy-looking haircut, like Jon Lovitz.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Anonymiss contributed to this story]

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