Everyone has been talking about how bad the GOP field looks for 2012, so I thought I’d take a closer look and see exactly how bad it is. I remind you that these are my opinions on the candidates and do not necessarily reflect the views of IMAO or its subsidiaries, of which there are none.
Newt Gingrich – I just don’t trust the guy anymore. I mean, he was a big name in conservatism back in the 90s, but now he’s done PSAs on global warming with Nancy Pelosi and attacking Paul Ryan’s plan on Medicare which is something you’d expect from Democrats. And then there is his personal life which is a little weird. And he collects those hats British ladies wear to royal weddings and sometimes wears them — it’s just creepy.
Mitt Romney – He’s like pure, 100% politician. Can’t believe a thing he says. So the only question is do you think he’s a skillful politician, but how he’s trying to attack Obamacare while defend his Abamocare (which he says is completely different!) doesn’t really make that case. Of course, that will be the main focus of the primary, but if he somehow survives to the general, that’s going to be dominated by a very close examination of — how do I put this — the more interesting aspects of the Mormon religion. It’s going to get ugly, and from the looks of Romney, he doesn’t do ugly. In fact, he’s so plastic looking he almost runs into the uncanny valley problem.
Tim Pawlenty – He is asldngfglo… Whoa; what happened there? I fell asleep at my keyboard. Wait — it’s Monday already! How long was I out?
Herman Cain – Is America really ready for a president named “Herman”? Plus, he’s not a politician, so he probably know what he’s doing. Well, I mean he does actually know how to do useful things that contribute to society since he hasn’t lived his life on the government dole unlike career politicians, but he doesn’t know how to politic. Like when he was meeting with some supporters and shouted, “Get your ugly babies away from me!” It’s truthful — which is refreshing — but it’s not politically helpful.
Mike Huckabee – He’s not running, so I finally have something nice to say about him. But I’m going to say something mean anyway. I hate you Huckabee!
Mitch Daniels – Let’s ignore the whole “truce on social issues” and instead look at what would be the big focus if he were to gain prominence – his wife left him and their four daughters for another man and then later came back and remarried him. That’s the sort of story that makes people pity the guy, and being worthy of pity is not presidential. Plus, Mitch is a stupid name. I mean, not “Mitt” stupid, but it’s close.
Sarah Palin – Went from politician to celebrity — which I’m not quite sure is a forward move. And half a term of governor isn’t too much to hang your hat on. Still, now maybe the left will fear the prospect of her as president a lot less since there is a good chance she just might quit that too. On the plus side, she kills things. Very few presidential candidates these days have actually killed before.
Ron Paul – RON PAUL!
Chris Christie – Repeatedly says he is not running, but do we really want a president who would hand over the nuclear codes to terrorists if they waved freshly-cooked bacon in front of his face (he’s fat). I guess it’s just lucky that the terrorists don’t have bacon. Do like his straight talk, though, and his vow to hunt down and murder any teacher who complains about pay.
John Huntsman – Yes, exactly what Republicans want — a moderate who worked for Obama. They want that plus boiling water thrown in their faces. Combine John Huntsman with boiling water thrown in everyone’s face, and he’ll sweep the primaries.
Gary Johnson – I don’t even know who this is. Anyone know who this is? Anyone care?
Rick Santorum – If social issues are your one and only thing, well… there he is. The rest of us have other things to do.
Michelle Bachmann – She has crazy eyes — I hate to break it to you, but it’s true. She’s just too crazy for the general population. Not going to happen. And to me, a big part of being a true conservative is making sure you don’t sound crazy.
Frank J. – According to the Constitution, I am not yet old enough to be president — which really sucks because I would have totally fixed everything. But now I can’t do anything, and it’s the fault of those powdered wig wearing weirdos. I am eligible for a cushy Senator job if you see one open.
Basil – I don’t know much about him, but he’s weird, I don’t trust him, and he has a serial killer vibe to him. My top choice so far, though.
Did I forget anyone? If I did, consider that a commentary on him.
“According to the Constitution” — Come on, now. This is the 21st Century. The Constitution is really, really old (or so they say) and hard to understand. It should be a living, breathing document, full of emanations and penumbrae. If the Supreme Court can find a right to privacy that leads to an inviolable right to abortion for underage girls, and the lefties can find it legal to ban firearms and prohibit a farmer from growing wheat for his own consumption, then we can justify running an almost-qualified candidate for President. (Besides, it won’t be the first time an almost-qualified candidate ran.)
Just read the Commerce Clause – it’s in there.
I have nothing to add to this. Wait, no, I can add even more despair!
Look upon it and despair!
Despair!
Despair!!!!
P.S. I, too, hate you, Huckabee!
P.P.S. Basil, unless the Republicans nominate someone who isn’t an incompetent baboon, I think I’m going to cast a write-in vote for you. I need your middle name and last name.
I have a mancrush on Allen West.
Cain-Christie. Fat Man and Pizza Guy – WINNING!
I thought that the ‘stache was in the race by now. He’d have my vote.
He was the announcer guy on Laugh-In. No, wait, that was Gary Owens. Gary Johnson was guy on Laugh-In who said “Very interesting, but…stupid!”. No…that was Arte Johnson.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure he was on Laugh-In.
You may be too young to run for president but you could still become world dictator. There is no age limit. If you do get elected, I have a list of things I’d like you to fix.
Clemsnman,
Allen West is, frankly, being an unacceptable sissy about ObamaCare.
In short, despair! DESPAIR!!!!
Sadly, you could have said a lot worse things about everyone on your list, and yet they all still would be qualified to be president than ∅bama was — and they would all do a much better job (like it is possible to do a worse job than ∅bama has done in the last 2.5 years?!?!?!)!!!
Hell, the Republicans could run Jimmy Carter in 2012 (he does have another term of elligibility you know), and it would still be a huge improvement over ∅bama!!!!
Frank J. is forgetting that he can get a fake birth certificate saying he was born when and where he wants, just like Obama did.
Gary Johnson is my favorite. It’s too bad he has no chance.
All right thinking people hate him, he’s a libertarian who thinks Ron Paul is weird and Paulistas smell and dress funny. (i.e. he’s a small (l) libertarian who has a clue what the govt’s job is, not a large (Crazy) libertarian)
Related
http://classicalvalues.com/2011/04/is_the_republic/
and
http://classicalvalues.com/2011/03/governor_veto_f/
I think the reason I hate Mitt is because he’s still on his first wife. I think that’s one of those crazy Mormon things. Anyway, a man needs to admit his mistakes and I don’t know a guy who can credibly say he would “do-over” the first marriage.
…except for Mitch and that situation is even weirder. I mean, he says he wants a truce on “family values” issues and then re-marries his first wife? Two words: Sell. Out.
Ron Paul! is a traitor to the country. Do we really want a man as president who admitted in an interview just last week that he Would Not have given the order to kill Osama bin Laden? I mean seriously, that makes him worse than Obama!
On a lighter note, I too have never heard of Gary Johnson. But that gave me an idea, who we need for president is Cave Johnson! http://www.cavejohnsonhere.com/. No one’s better at grabbing the bull by the horns and making life take back those lemons! Besides, I like his tech ideas. :p
As many of you know, I have lived almost my entire life in the state of Indiana. I voted for Daniels for Governor. In hindsight, I am n sure I would vote for him again if I knew then what I know now, BUT only because the democrats in Indiana would have been much worse (exactly why I voted for Hillary in the primary and McCain in the general election). The more you really get to know Daniels, the less there is to like about him.
That being said, I also still hate Huckabee more as well.
I am hoping Cain is for real, but then again I had the same hopes about Fred Thompson.
The bottom line is I will not vote again for the lesser of two evils. If the Republicans don’t nominate someone who I can vote FOR, then I am done with them and writing in the Chthulu/Satan ticket for 2012.
Geez, apparently everybody sucks. But everybody sucks less than Obama, so we have that going for us.
Gunga-la-gungala.
Cain could be our first (real) black president.
Santorum could be our first (real) Catholic president.
Romney could be our first (real, whatever that is) LDS president.
Newt could be turned into the president by a witch (he’ll get better!)
I notice that “The Donald” didn’t make the list, but I guess that’s because Frank already knew he was gonna bail.
I’ve got the answer. We get Bill B.J. Clinton to run as a Republican! I mean, think about it. He can’t do any damage! We will just make sure that the White House is filled to the brim with nubile young interns! Clinton will be fully engaged in other business and we will just take over the Senate and we will have the House and then Clinton will do whatever we want as long as we keep the interns coming (um…sorry…bad choice of words)!
I mean, compared to Barry, Clinton is Ronald Reagan! I miss Clinton now that Barry is in office! So like “fat ankles” would be first lady and all but we could deal with that compared to Muchelle!
Other than that, I’m old enough and I might just have to take over this damn country and fix everything if you guys don’t figure things out! I will start with a nad punch in my first debate with Barry! That will set the tone!
According to Luke: “…sometimes nothin’ can be a real cool hand.” By that I mean, it’s unlikely anyone decent gets the nod, but I hope we play that hand of nothing hard to make sure that Obama doesn’t get 4 more years of nation destruction.
All you young whippersnappers are expecting way to much out of your politicians. I have not missed voting in an election since I turned legal back in the ’60s. In all those years, I can honestly say, “I have never voted for anyone!”. In every election, I was voting against someone who was in my estimation..WORSE. Please stop hoping for a candidate that you can support.
Thank you, Burt. Please drive through.
“And he collects those hats British ladies wear to royal weddings and sometimes wears them — it’s just creepy.”
I don’t know. I’d watch the State of the Union of Newt wore that funky pink bow hat.
Is America really ready for a president named “Herman”?
America has been ready in the past for Presidents named Millard, Rutherford, Herbert (pretty close to Herman there), Ulysses (who was actually christened Hiram), Zachary, Woodrow, Calvin, Lyndon, and Barack. Why not Herman?
Well, in the last presidential election the nominee choices were a 47-year-old guy who had never held a job in his life that hates America and no one knew anything about, or the wife of a failed president who was impeached and rife with scandals and anyone who had anything to do with her security or finances had mysteriously committed suicide, or a lawyer who got rich off of bogus lawsuits and was having babies with mistresses and lying about it while his wife was dying of cancer…umm…oh, wait…now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that was the democrat line-up and the media was pretty darn proud of their candidates. Hey, our field is actually pretty stellar!!
Vote for the ‘shatche !! Bolton/Cain 2012
And Frank we CAN come up with a suitable certificate of live birth for you. Same place Obama got his.
This is Cheney’s fault. We should be gearing up for the 2nd Cheney term about now, except he couldn’t be bothered. I say we draft him. That is the only way we are going to get our moat full of alligators.
Knowing Cheney he is likely to just save us all some moat digging money by invading Mexico and putting the gators in the panama canal.
For what its worth I’ve decided not to run for president in 2012 either. Basically I’m not running for the same reasons I didn’t run in 2008, 2004, 2000, etc. etc. Namely because I have no money and no one has ever heard of me. Too bad because in my opinion I’d have made a great president and the nation truly has been diminished by my decision….zzyzx, definitely not running, probably not in 2016 either.
“And Frank we CAN come up with a suitable certificate of live birth for you. Same place Obama got his.”
Why don’t you just make up a certificate of sill birth instead, then you can campaign as the Miracle Candidate. 😀
zzyzx, I feel the same way. Except I would have lots of splaining to do around my major at the University of Iowa. Why, for example was I scheduled for all these classes in music but I spent my time experimenting with chemistry? And my grades…we would have to lose those pronto or I would be…well…destroyed by the Democrats as a moron and a nardaywell! I can explain that I tuned in, dropped out and….whatever…my attention span at the time was shorter than a nat’s. As long as someone could find me some chemistry to play with, I was happy…being the scientific experimental type and all…
So while I was socializing, making friends and exploring and expanding my mind the rest of the rubes were sitting in class listening to some numb nuts go blah, blah, blah, blah! Yea, ok now I remember my decisions! Fun! That was the prime objective! Is it fun? No? Are you nuts? I’m like totally not doing that! What do you think I am an idiot? Wow man!
I’ve been saying for a while now that the key to Palin’s candidacy is her choice of running mate, because the federal government gets sued thousands of times per day.
What about the Rent Is Too Damn High guy??? He’s running too
Must be that you
white peoplecrackers are too damn racist!#13 – Veeshir,
Ok, I’m convinced. Governor Veto for president!
Basil, is it true you’ve got a serially-interfaced vibraphone at home? That must be some set of vibes.
(Hey, look, I’m out of the country here and lucky I’ve got I♫ternex¢└*a!! o☺♫ 4zÉ.+
Jimmy:
I keep my phone set on vibrate. Does that count?
Here’s what my research shows:
These follow me on teh twitterz:
Herman Cain
Tim Pawlenty
Those guys rock!
These don’t follow me:
Newt Gingrich
Mike Huckabee
Mitch Daniels
Sarah Palin
Ron Paul!!1!!
Chris Christie
Michele Bachmann
Those guys suck!
I can’t find an official Twitter account for John Huntsman. So he doesn’t even exist.
Allen West.
Oh Basil, Say it isn’t so! You use teh Twitter? Oh man….
If we hollow out DamnCat and let Frank use him as a puppet, we get around that pesky constitution thing.
So far this list is abysmal. Guess its ralph nader this time around.
DragonLadyToo:
Besides the fact that Rep. West isn’t running, he doesn’t follow me on Twitter.
This post totally discriminates against bearded atheists!
Rick Perry
Gary Johnson: NM former governor who’s a wuss, and wants to legalize pot. Complained on PJTV about not being invited to the debate. Poor guy.