In case you weren’t aware, Barack Obama is teh awesomest person in the whole wide world. Just ask him. Or Nancy Pelosi.
The former Speaker of the House and current Minority Leader who represents Planet San Francisco, told The Weekly Standard that, without Obama’s 2009 Stimulus, we’d be in worse shape than we are now:
“Without the Recovery Act and accompanying federal interventions, whether from the Fed, or Cash for Clunkers, or other initiatives, the unemployment rate last year at the time of the election would have been fourteen and a half percent, not nine and a half percent,” said Minority Leader Pelosi.
You see? You see? The Stimulus was a good thing. Crazy Aunt Nancy said so.
I wonder why she stopped there, though. Because there must have been more that the Obama Stimulus did. Because Obama and the Democrats are so awesome you know.
We did some digging, and found out that, not only did the Obama Stimulus save 8.3 million imaginary jobs, it did a bunch of other things, too.
- It helped Steve Jobs invent the iPad.
- The stimulus kept the asteroid 99942 Apophis from striking the Earth.
- It killed Osama bin Laden.
- The stimulus won Super Bowl XLV.
- It blew up the Death Star.
- The stimulus is what gave the Old Spice Guy his job.
- That thing you thought you lost? The stimulus actually found it and put it there on the table for you.
- It kept the sun from burning out.
- Remember when Global Warming was going to melt all the ice caps by 2011? The stimulus stopped it.
- The stimulus saved Chuck Norris.
- It kept Windows 7 from sucking as bad as Windows Vista.
- The stimulus kept Pluto from leaving the solar system after scientists fired it.
There are so many wonderful things the stimulus has done, we need a new one every month.
The Stimulus stopped the eathquake that would have tossed California into the sea.
The Stimulus cured AIDS. And the common cold.
The Stimulus freed Amanda Knox.
The Stimulus prevented Nancy Pelosi from posing for Playboy.
Stimulus cleaned my dentures in half the time, it made me look years younger, it cleared up my acne, it’s dishwasher safe, and contains three times the recommended dosage of vitamin C. In a national survey three out of four Democrats recommend Stimulus over brand-x.
Because of the stimulous you can now safely eat a cookie 10 seconds after you drop it on the floor instead of just five.
All the matching socks for your odd ones are being kept safe by Nancy Pelosi and will be returned to you after the jobs bill is passed.
Quit whining. The Obama policies programs have created over 15 million jobs and there is no debating that. While it is true that all the new jobs are in China does not change the fact that he stimulated huge job growth.
I had a wart but rubbed King Barak of Obama and Queen nancys frisco stimulous all over it and it went away overnight. It left behind a black infection that seems to be spreading through the veins and choking my heart. But, hey that wart is gone! At least I cant see it under the layers of rotted tissue.
I put a drop of stimulus on my toothbrush and now my teeth are whiter. Its the “one weird trick” an area mom knows.
Chevy Volt uses the stimulus for Airbags.
I had a nasty sinkhole in my backyard and was able to fill it up with stimulus because it was “shovel ready”
With the stimulus everything is new and improved. The change is changeyier the hope is hopeyier, the blues are bluer, the whites are whiter and the blacks are african-americaneyier
The next stimulus promises to finally take the pretzels out of chex mix.
The stimulous cured my athlete’s foot!
You’ll know when the moment is right, but will you be ready? Take Stimulus™ and be sure.
Disclaimer:
Stimulus should not be taken if you suffer from high unemployment or stagnant economy. Stimulus may cause sluggish markets. If you see red after taking Stimulus or for recessions lasting longer than 4 years, contact your congressman immediately. If malaise continues stop using Stimulus and elect someone who actually understands how to run a business instead of how to launder tax money to supporters or spouses.
Oh, I almost forgot: it freshened my breath and cured my hemerroids!
The stimulous made opening clamshell packaging fast, easy, and FUN!!!
☺ The Stimulus made my compost pile go from a smelly mess to fresh, clean dirt in just days. Thanks, Obama!
☺ I used The Stimulus on my hair and the gray disappeared! Then I tried eating some and… well, let’s just say the stuff is better than Testosterone, Viagra and Cialis combined!!
☺ But then I was having erections lasting more than four hours and was too far away from a doctor. So, I used The Stimulus as a suppository, and bingo!! Problem solved!
☺ At the same time, The Stimulus cured my hemorrhoids!! What a bonus! But now, they’re coming back and I’m starting to stutter, so I’m wondering if the the the Stimulus will last.
☺ Ms. Pelosi, can we have a longer lasting Stimulus for all of the above??
The stimulas open my eyes to Black Liberation Theology…its a Protestant thing.
The stimulas woke me up after a couple of soft decades of prosperity.
Just be careful…if your stimulus lasts for more than four hours, you should see a doctor.
the stimulus created the occupy wall street movement.
the stimulus created higher defeceit.
the stimulus made me laugh at our stupidity.
the stimulus made comet elenin disintegrate.
the stimulus made our country safe from imaginary terrorists with box-cutters.
the stimulus saved untold numbers of skyscrapers safe from being imploded.
the stimulus saved your home from bank foreclosure.
the stimulus is god.
the stimulus is my love-child with satan.
the stimulus killed kennedy.
The Stimulus is so…. stimulating. If you’re not ready for The Stimulus, it’s because you haven’t been properly stimulated yet.
STIMULUS!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I turned me into a newt!
I got better…
Did Nancy pull that 14 ½ % number off the top of her head or out her @ss? Oh, wait, with all her face lifts they’re one in the same….never mind.
A friend of mine took The Stimulus and it made him feel light headed.
So his doctor prescribed Triforgettin but that caused blurred vision and slurred speech.
So his doctor put him on Mifrensapríc and he became suicidally antisocial.
So his doctor gave him Noassitol. That led to numbness below the waist.
So his doctor prescribed bed rest and diisopropyl fluorophosphate which my friend knew was a poisonous nerve agent, so he killed his doctor.
The Stimulus bent us all over and prison raped us and we liked it!
The Stimulus gave a bunch of money to guys who didn’t know how to run their companies…sweet!
The Stimulus dropped the value of my house by 50%…excellent!
The Stimulus made sure that lots of money was paid out to the “Bigs” so that they could pay some back to politicians in the form of “campaign contributions”…best ever!
Unemployment would have been 14.5% without the stimulus? I thought they originally said it would have been 8% without it…
I’m confused.
The Stimulus stopped a Martian invasion.
The Stimulus stopped Guam from tipping over.
The Stimulus prevented gasoline from costing eleventy hundred dollars a gallon.
The Stimulus saved the tuna from extinction.
@Shiggz #6: A black infection? A BLACK infection?! RACIST!!1!!!
The Stimulus accomplished both Jack, and Squat.
This just in: Accomplishment of Jack now disputed by CBO.
And now …… for the number one thing the stimulus did for all of us (drum roll please) It’ll keep barry from being reelected. Lets do another one so people with short attention spans wont forget.
The stimulus allowed for preemptive pothole repair on millions of miles of now repaved roads that, to the non-government/union expert eye, appeared to be in perfectly good condition. How’s that for government efficiency?