(2021) Lawyers throughout America and beyond were stymied on Friday when a man in Garden City, New Jersey, died of natural causes with no one to blame.

“It’s pro[bab]ly unprec[e]dented,” said one of the lawyers on the scene. “I d[on’t k]now: I’ve neve[r] h[ea]rd of anyt[h]ing like it.”

The man — 121 years old, with a history of diabetes and lung, liver, pancreatic, cystolic, diastolic, dandruff, vision, hearing, cognitive, motor, swallowing, not swallowing, inhaling, exhaling, digestive, and vibratory problems — had not come in contact with any well-financed consumer products or drugs in the days leading up to his demise.

Lawyers, legislators, loved ones, law enforcement, late-night talk shows, and lookers-on are still pursuing all possible avenues of investigation.