"Look, they're not all gonna be winners" – ok to say when brainstorming, not ok when pointing at one of your children
— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) June 18, 2013
*intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"
— Matt (@MattElGato) June 23, 2013
Always hearing about how ants are so "successful" but I've never seen one who owns a boat.
— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) June 23, 2013
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it'll take me to dig my own grave.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 24, 2013
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
— Condescending Wonka (@WaryWillyWonka) June 24, 2013
News just said a heat wave is coming, I should "drink lots of water". That's all well and good but HOW DO I BREATHE AND DRESS MYSELF? HELP!
— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) June 27, 2013
If you ever get the chance to try Russian food, try to befriend your captors.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) June 30, 2013
That awkward moment when it puts the lotion on its skin but you kinda wanted to use the hose again.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 1, 2013
Never know what to say at funerals. “Sorry I ran over him” just feels so hollow.
— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) July 1, 2013
From: Death Cult America
To: All Members
Subject: Death Cult Texas needs you!
We know some of you are still upset that our original
Dear Fellow Death Cultist,
We know some of you are still upset that our original
We know some of you are still upset that our original goal of 50 million human sacrifices failed to result in the return of the Old Ones and the final obliteration of the human race. We have reexamined the ancient texts and are absolutely certain that the new goal of 100 million human sacrifices will positively awaken our masters from their slumbers.
But we will never reach that goal if our numbers continue to decline. Death Cult Minnesota, Death Cult Arizona, and Death Cult Wisconsin- just to name a few- have all seen a disturbing decline in the number of human sacrifices in their annual reports. Death Cult Pennsylvania has had it’s operations severely limited with the loss of High Priest Gosnell and new restrictions on sacrificial altars.
Which brings us to Death Cult Texas. They have seriously dropped the ball in allowing the state legislature to vote on a bill that restricts human sacrifices to 20 weeks and places onerous regulations upon altar facilities there.
This must be stopped. Please drop whatever you’re doing and get to Austin to join your fellow cultists in preventing the passage of this bill by any means necessary. Bring your favorite protest signs and remember to dress comfortably. Human sacrifice should be fun!
Thank you for your continued support for Death Cult America! We couldn’t do it without you!
Sincerely,
Cecille Roberts
President
Death Cult America
And oh yeah- Hail Satan!