Dick Cheney Assassination Squad FAQ

Posted on March 18, 2009 11:47 am


Q. How did we first hear about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. Noted smart person Seymour Hersh revealed the squad’s existence as reported by noted news-type person and silly dancing monkey Keith Olbermann.

Q. What was Keith Olbermann’s reaction?
A. Here is it in its entirety.

Q. If there really was a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad, wouldn’t Seymour Hersh have wound up dead before he could tell anyone?
A. He hasn’t officially reported his findings, and he has been found dead, his body split into five pieces, four of them scattered to the distant corners of the earth.

Q. Where’s the fifth piece?
A. Scientists theorize it’s on one of Saturn’s moons.

Q. Holy crap!
A. Yeah, that’s what happens to you when you mess with the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad!

Q. Is there any other evidence of it?
A. IMAO reader Michael Rutman sent in this photo he took:

It appears to be Dick Cheney on a non-avian armed with what looks to be a laser cannon. This goes along with what most theorize a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad would be like.

Q. What proof is there that the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad has dinosaurs?
A. Can you imagine a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad without some sort of dinosaur mount? Do you have any idea how ludicrous that sounds?

Q. What are the qualifications to join the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. You must:
* Be a Republican.
* Have shot a lawyer in the face.
* Not have allergies to dinosaurs.
* Have never let a hippie come within one hundred feet of you without being punched.
* Own stock in Halliburton.
Additionally, it helps to be part robot like Dick Cheney.

Q. Can you be fully a robot?
A. Of course not. Having robots riding dinosaurs is just asking for trouble.

Q. But cyborgs are okay?
A. Yes! Stop acting like this is a complicated distinction, nimrod!

Q. So who are the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad assassinating?
A. Buy a foreign newspaper and check the obituaries. That’s them.

Q. Can anyone stop the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. Dennis Kucinich is going to try.

Q. Isn’t he afraid the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad is going to come after him?
A. If that happens, he plans to hide on someone’s lawn by disguising himself as a lawn gnome.

Q. Does he have the pointy red hat to pull that off?
A. He has a variety of them for whether the occasion is formal or casual.

Q. What would hiding from the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad be?
A. I believe that’s casual, but don’t quote me on that.

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34 Responses to “Dick Cheney Assassination Squad FAQ”

  1. Keith says:

    I call plagiarism! At 11:43 – four solid minutes before you posted this – I commented thusly on your Gitmo Detainees post:

    “I say we use them as test targets for this:


    I’ve provided the link. You figure out a way to mount them on the dinosaurs.”

    What you do have here? Dick Cheney, with a laser cannon, on a dinosaur! You owe me, FrankJ!

  2. MarkoMancuso says:

    Just when you thought nothing could be better than bear cavalry…

  3. Plentyobailouts says:

    Q. How many yard gnomes does it take to investigate a Dick Cheney secret assassination squad?

    Q. Is a mass grave of yards gnomes proof that a Dick Cheney secret assassination squad exists?

    Q. Will the widow kucinach go after another yard gnome or an actual human this time around?

    Q. What does Dick Cheyney feed his dinosaurs? Is it harmful to step in dinosaur dung, or does democrat come off of shoes easily?

  4. Jimmy says:

    The rift between Bush and Cheney over Bush not pardoning Libby is being widely reported – still. But I think that’s a ruse. I fully expect Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rumsfeld to surface in Texas – and with the help of Cheney’s Ass-ass-in-nation Squad – to take over the world by putting an end to the two biggest asses in our nation: The One and his Hairpiece Sidekick.

    As further evidence of this diabolical scheme, Bush remains quiet and refuses to criticize our leerless feeder, Obama, while Cheney pokes him with large sticks in TV interviews. And wasn’t it always so during Bush’s presidency? Bush: quiet. Cheney: public and analytical.

    Oh, and Cheney’s heart problem? That’s always been as fake as a nine dollar bill.

    Q: Where do I enlist in Cheney’s Squad? I have this highly-amplified pen “laser” that I’ve perfected.

  5. Lechteron says:

    I think we need a Cheney Assassination Squad shirt.

  6. Rubeus says:

    I agree, #5.

  7. OldManWinters says:

    We absolutely need t-shirts. If this idea doesn’t get conservatives motivated, our country is doomed. A DCAS needs a chapter in every American city, no matter what size. Lets get to work on this, people!!!

  8. STORM19111 says:

    The DCAS is a must. Dennis Kucinich ( with Shirley McCalin) is in communication with the space aliens orbiting above waiting to attack. He has said so. Therefore DK is in cahoots with the aliens. That explains why DK is against the DCAS. We need the DCAS and the laser mounted dinosaurs to defeat the alien attack. Go DCAS go !!!

  9. ussjimmycarter says:

    I so totally get wood when I think about this! Totally!

  10. OldManWinters says:

    I just set up a Facebook group for the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad. Join if you fit the profile!

  11. Lechteron says:


  12. cptnmoroni says:

    I’m probably not cool enough to join the DCAS since my concealed weapon is only .40 caliber. I might be allowed to wear a shirt, though.

    Mainly, I wonder how can we go about contacting the DCAS and requesting a hit on somebody. Do they have a website or toll-free number or anything? Anybody have a business card? And what are the rates? I seem to remember the A Team didn’t charge much for their services but the Mafia does. I assume the overhead on dinosaur maintainance and laser-gun cleaning to be quite high but is there anything else I would have to pay for? I mean – cyborgs don’t really eat all that much and they’re already highly trained to begin with.

  13. Eros says:

    This must be an early photo. The last time I saw saw this, both Cheney and his t-rex were clad in kick-a** stealth black, cyberneticaly enhanced armor. The t-Rex had pod rocket launchers mounted on both shoulders. The T-Rex was running full stride, and Cheney was lopping off heads with a light saber. The definition of awsomeness!

    And I agree…this deserves a t-shirt!

    Q. Does he have the pointy red hat to pull that off?
    A. Yes, but it’s not red…it’s made out of tin foil.

  14. Eros says:

    Oh, yes…and consequently, when Joe Biden found out about this, he became so jealous, he tried to form his own assassination squad. Unfortunately, this is how it turned out:

  15. Son of Bob says:

    I’d comment, but…well, you know…I certainly don’t want to piss him off.

  16. BundelNotz says:

    Trying to hide from the DCAS is like trying to hide from gravity. In a Black Hole.
    Well, Fred Thompson could. But Fred don’t hide.

  17. midwestconservative says:

    Be a republican —————–check Have shot a lawyer in the face—-check Not have allergies to dinosaurs—–check Have never let a hippie within a hundred feet of you without being punched——check Own stock in Halliburton——–DAMN-IT , Whats Halliburton going for these days?

  18. Crusty says:

    Q: Will the film adaptation star David Carradine and Uma Thurman?
    A: Yes, but it will be a single 3-hour movie. 2 2-hour movies would require way too much padding.

  19. oil says:

    What a dick! I’m down for the assassinaton of that Dick…

  20. Sgt Relic says:

    Q. I’ve got all the qualifications to join up; can I get a dispensation if I didn’t hit the lawyer in the face?

  21. Diplomaticbackchannels says:

    Didn’t they refer to the hit squad as the JSOC, or was I hearing things? What a load of crap.

  22. IH8Socialist says:

    help us Dick Cheney your our only hope….

  23. Lt. Col. Wm. "Buck" Garrity says:


    I have to commend you in the discovery of this TS-Plus level information.

    As a former aide to Cheney in his capacity as five-star general commanding the Tri-Lateralist Commando Strike Force while utilizing the cover of SecDef-and later VPOTUS-I can attest to this man’s undiluted patriotism, dedication to eradicating threats at home and abroad, and eager willingness to punch any patchouli-reeking hippie square in the throat with a larynx-cracking blow.

    Through many blacker-than-black ops–the likes of which Mother Sheehan, with her wussy little FOIA forms will never discover–General Cheney and his crack command structure cut bloody swaths through all manner of foreign and domestic threats.

    It hasn’t ever been mentioned, but people like Dick Marcinko, Ollie North and David “Hack” Hackworth owed serious career debts to General Cheney and his culling of talented Spec Warriors.

    Even though General Cheney has reentered the private sector, you can be assured that his team of operators will continue their best efforts to battle threats to Truth, Justice, and the hippie-punching American Way.

  24. IMAO » Blog Archive » Hide the Cheney links:

    […] people in the GOP are urging Cheney to go back into hiding, probably to preserve the secrecy of the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad. They know that the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad is our last and only hope and must be preserved […]

  25. IMAO » Blog Archive » lolbama! Part 11 links:

    […] From Michael: [reference link] […]

  26. IMAO » Blog Archive » Myths and Facts About Dick Cheney links:

    […] Man, liberals are getting so crazy angry over Dick Cheney being out front and center on defending the administration’s interrogation practices. They claim no one will listen to him because he’s so unpopular, but in fact they believe everyone will listen to him because they’re so scared of him and his Dick Cheney Assassination Squad. […]

  27. IMAO » Blog Archive » Gobsmacked links:

    […] got confirmation from my sources that Palin is planning a coup. Possibly with the help of the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad. (No Ratings Yet)  Loading […]

  28. The Island of Logic » Jason M’s Alter Ego links:

    […] Dick Cheney Assassination Squad is after […]

  29. IMAO » Blog Archive » Um… I’m Offended? links:

    […] I can say is that if we can’t have dinosaurs with laser cannons, I’d gladly settle for elephants with devil horns and missile […]

  30. IMAO » Blog Archive » Big Election Night! links:

    […] Though we should expect election night shenanigans from the Democrats, the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad has vowed to monitor […]

  31. IMAO » Blog Archive » New Dick Cheney Assassination Squad Sighting links:

    […] of meeting together in some sort of “treasonous plot.” Do you think this could be about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad? I find it encouraging, at least. No matter how bad things get, I know out there are Dick Cheney […]

  32. IMAO » Blog Archive » Yay! Another T-Shirt Post! links:

    […] I hear that wearing one of my new t-shirts is a way to possibly get an invitation to join the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad. (No Ratings Yet)  Loading […]

  33. the botnet says:

    Um, Hi.

    the botnet does not wish to be part of the DCAS.

    it wants to lead the DCAS.

    the botnet

  34. IMAO » Blog Archive » My Favorite Posts from the First Ten Years of IMAO links:

    […] The Dick Cheney assassination squad. […]

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