Dick Cheney Assassination Squad FAQ


Q. How did we first hear about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. Noted smart person Seymour Hersh revealed the squad’s existence as reported by noted news-type person and silly dancing monkey Keith Olbermann.

Q. What was Keith Olbermann’s reaction?
A. Here is it in its entirety.

Q. If there really was a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad, wouldn’t Seymour Hersh have wound up dead before he could tell anyone?
A. He hasn’t officially reported his findings, and he has been found dead, his body split into five pieces, four of them scattered to the distant corners of the earth.

Q. Where’s the fifth piece?
A. Scientists theorize it’s on one of Saturn’s moons.

Q. Holy crap!
A. Yeah, that’s what happens to you when you mess with the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad!

Q. Is there any other evidence of it?
A. IMAO reader Michael Rutman sent in this photo he took:

It appears to be Dick Cheney on a non-avian armed with what looks to be a laser cannon. This goes along with what most theorize a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad would be like.

Q. What proof is there that the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad has dinosaurs?
A. Can you imagine a Dick Cheney Assassination Squad without some sort of dinosaur mount? Do you have any idea how ludicrous that sounds?

Q. What are the qualifications to join the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. You must:
* Be a Republican.
* Have shot a lawyer in the face.
* Not have allergies to dinosaurs.
* Have never let a hippie come within one hundred feet of you without being punched.
* Own stock in Halliburton.
Additionally, it helps to be part robot like Dick Cheney.

Q. Can you be fully a robot?
A. Of course not. Having robots riding dinosaurs is just asking for trouble.

Q. But cyborgs are okay?
A. Yes! Stop acting like this is a complicated distinction, nimrod!

Q. So who are the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad assassinating?
A. Buy a foreign newspaper and check the obituaries. That’s them.

Q. Can anyone stop the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad?
A. Dennis Kucinich is going to try.

Q. Isn’t he afraid the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad is going to come after him?
A. If that happens, he plans to hide on someone’s lawn by disguising himself as a lawn gnome.

Q. Does he have the pointy red hat to pull that off?
A. He has a variety of them for whether the occasion is formal or casual.

Q. What would hiding from the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad be?
A. I believe that’s casual, but don’t quote me on that.

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  1. Q. How many yard gnomes does it take to investigate a Dick Cheney secret assassination squad?

    Q. Is a mass grave of yards gnomes proof that a Dick Cheney secret assassination squad exists?

    Q. Will the widow kucinach go after another yard gnome or an actual human this time around?

    Q. What does Dick Cheyney feed his dinosaurs? Is it harmful to step in dinosaur dung, or does democrat come off of shoes easily?

  2. The rift between Bush and Cheney over Bush not pardoning Libby is being widely reported – still. But I think that’s a ruse. I fully expect Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rumsfeld to surface in Texas – and with the help of Cheney’s Ass-ass-in-nation Squad – to take over the world by putting an end to the two biggest asses in our nation: The One and his Hairpiece Sidekick.

    As further evidence of this diabolical scheme, Bush remains quiet and refuses to criticize our leerless feeder, Obama, while Cheney pokes him with large sticks in TV interviews. And wasn’t it always so during Bush’s presidency? Bush: quiet. Cheney: public and analytical.

    Oh, and Cheney’s heart problem? That’s always been as fake as a nine dollar bill.

    Q: Where do I enlist in Cheney’s Squad? I have this highly-amplified pen “laser” that I’ve perfected.

  3. We absolutely need t-shirts. If this idea doesn’t get conservatives motivated, our country is doomed. A DCAS needs a chapter in every American city, no matter what size. Lets get to work on this, people!!!

  4. The DCAS is a must. Dennis Kucinich ( with Shirley McCalin) is in communication with the space aliens orbiting above waiting to attack. He has said so. Therefore DK is in cahoots with the aliens. That explains why DK is against the DCAS. We need the DCAS and the laser mounted dinosaurs to defeat the alien attack. Go DCAS go !!!

  5. I’m probably not cool enough to join the DCAS since my concealed weapon is only .40 caliber. I might be allowed to wear a shirt, though.

    Mainly, I wonder how can we go about contacting the DCAS and requesting a hit on somebody. Do they have a website or toll-free number or anything? Anybody have a business card? And what are the rates? I seem to remember the A Team didn’t charge much for their services but the Mafia does. I assume the overhead on dinosaur maintainance and laser-gun cleaning to be quite high but is there anything else I would have to pay for? I mean – cyborgs don’t really eat all that much and they’re already highly trained to begin with.

  6. This must be an early photo. The last time I saw saw this, both Cheney and his t-rex were clad in kick-a** stealth black, cyberneticaly enhanced armor. The t-Rex had pod rocket launchers mounted on both shoulders. The T-Rex was running full stride, and Cheney was lopping off heads with a light saber. The definition of awsomeness!

    And I agree…this deserves a t-shirt!

    Q. Does he have the pointy red hat to pull that off?
    A. Yes, but it’s not red…it’s made out of tin foil.

  7. Be a republican —————–check Have shot a lawyer in the face—-check Not have allergies to dinosaurs—–check Have never let a hippie within a hundred feet of you without being punched——check Own stock in Halliburton——–DAMN-IT , Whats Halliburton going for these days?

  8. Frank,

    I have to commend you in the discovery of this TS-Plus level information.

    As a former aide to Cheney in his capacity as five-star general commanding the Tri-Lateralist Commando Strike Force while utilizing the cover of SecDef-and later VPOTUS-I can attest to this man’s undiluted patriotism, dedication to eradicating threats at home and abroad, and eager willingness to punch any patchouli-reeking hippie square in the throat with a larynx-cracking blow.

    Through many blacker-than-black ops–the likes of which Mother Sheehan, with her wussy little FOIA forms will never discover–General Cheney and his crack command structure cut bloody swaths through all manner of foreign and domestic threats.

    It hasn’t ever been mentioned, but people like Dick Marcinko, Ollie North and David “Hack” Hackworth owed serious career debts to General Cheney and his culling of talented Spec Warriors.

    Even though General Cheney has reentered the private sector, you can be assured that his team of operators will continue their best efforts to battle threats to Truth, Justice, and the hippie-punching American Way.

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