Myths and Facts About Dick Cheney

Man, liberals are getting so crazy angry over Dick Cheney being out front and center on defending the administration’s interrogation practices. They claim no one will listen to him because he’s so unpopular, but in fact they believe everyone will listen to him because they’re so scared of him and his Dick Cheney Assassination Squad.

Anyway, liberals need to calm down. They have a lot of myths about Dick Cheney, but here are the facts:

MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT DICK CHENEY

MYTH: Dick Cheney wants to eat liberal’s souls.
FACT: Their souls are puny to him and would give him no sustenance.

MYTH: Dick Cheney is going to soon kill all liberals.
FACT: Dick Cheney will only kill them when they least expect it, and right now they expect it.

MYTH: When the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad overthrows the Obama administration, all who opposed him will be loaded into rockets and fired into the sun.
FACT: Firing people into the sun would be too costly and infeasible. They will instead be fed to Dick Cheney’s dinosaur mounts.

MYTH: Dick Cheney is invulnerable to all weapons.
FACT: Only to known weapons.

MYTH: If you ever don’t pay attention to the baby monitor, Dick Cheney will sneak in and shake your baby.
FACT: Dick Cheney does not shake babies; he’s swallows noisy babies whole.

MYTH: Dick Cheney plans to blot out the sun and usher in a thousand years of darkness.
FACT: Dick Cheney plans to destroy the sun.

MYTH: Dick Cheney strangles kittens for fun.
FACT: It’s more like a nervous habit.

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34 Comments

  1. Myth: Dick Cheney accidentally shot a lawyer in the face.
    Fact: There ARE no accidents.

    Myth: Dick Cheney has no soul.
    Fact: Dick Cheney has thousands of souls that he’s ripped out of liberals and enemies of the US right before he condemned their empty shell to the bowels of hell! (He keeps them on the shelf in the garage)

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  2. Myth: Dick Cheney is a tightwad. Fact: Dick Cheney gave $7,966,566 to charity during his time as Vice President. Compare that to Joe Biden’s charitable giving from 1998-2007, totaling $3,690 for that 10 Year period, that’s $369/yr.

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  3. Cheney is all that is wrong with America. Luckily, he will soon drop dead of some weird medical crisis and will immediately be forgotten. Less than a footnote to history.

    [Ahh, the compassion of a liberal’s heart, almost makes me cry. -SM]

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  4. MYTH: Dick Cheney as a bad heart.
    FACT: Dick Cheney has no need of a heart.

    MYTH: Dick Cheney is all about making money for Haliburton.
    FACT: Haliburton exists solely to enslave liberals to the Military Industrial Complex. Making money is just a pleasant side effect.

    MYTH: Dick Cheney is out to save his legacy.
    FACT: Dick Cheney is out to save the country.

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  5. MYTH: Dick Cheney advocated securing rat cages to terrorists’ faces in order to obtain information.

    FACT: Richard Gere will tell you anything you want to know if you let him sit on a HabiTrail.

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  6. Myth: Dick Cheney approved of ‘waterboarding’. Fact: “Waterboarding is for wimps.”—Dick Cheney>>> He also does not approve of skimboarding,boogieboarding, surfboarding, and Pirates-boarding-U.S.ships

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  7. FACT: I gave more $ to charity just in 2007 alone than SloeJoeB gave within a decade. (Just saying, in RE #7)

    FACT: Dick Cheney only carries two things in his pockets, a pack of gum and a can of whoopass. And he’s all out of gum.

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  8. You said that:
    MYTH: Dick Cheney strangles kittens for fun.
    FACT: It’s more like a nervous habit.

    I think he using the cats as a familiar in order to control the mind of the progressively obtuse.

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  9. MYTH: Dick Cheney lied about Weapons of Mass Destruction
    FACT: Dick Cheney is a Weapon of Mass Destruction

    MYTH: Dick Cheney was once the Secretary of Defense
    FACT: Dick Cheney has never been anyone’s Secretary and has NEVER played Defense!

    MYTH: Dick Cheney is a Republican
    FACT: Dick Cheney is a Conservative

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  10. MYTH: Dick Cheney has a bad heart.
    FACT: Dick Cheney’s heart will pop-out of his chest and rip out yours.

    (I wear mine on my sleeve so he can eat it any time he wants as a tasty snack.)

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  11. MYTH: Dick Cheney shot someone.
    FACT: He shot many people, all but one of them he fed to his hunting dogs.

    MYTH: The Secret Service guards Dick Cheney.
    FACT: The Secret Service guards the liberals from Dick Cheney. And the Secret Service is about to go on lunch break.

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  14. Myth: Dick Cheney sold his soul to Satan for his position of power and influence.
    Fact: Dick Cheney scowled at Satan once and received power and influence as a bribe not to hurt Satan.
    Fact 2: Dick Cheney cannot be bribed.

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