Ted Kennedy Jokes
Frank J., despite having a wicked sense of humor, has class. Or as close to what passes for class when it comes to bloggers.
He was no fan of the Edward Moore Kennedy, late of Massachusetts. But, when he got word of Kennedy’s death, he wrote a post where he encouraged his readers to “try to have good memories about (Kennedy) right now. … And try and think of something nice to say about Ted for the comments (no joke).”
While Frank J. decided to allow for kind words about the late Senator, I have no such class.
I heard many say “let’s think about his family.” Well, how far do you go with that? Do you offer condolences to the family of Baitullah Mehsud? Of course not.
And, no, I’m not saying Kennedy was as bad as a Taliban leader. But I think we agree there’s a line. On one side of the line, you put things aside and offer condolences to the family. On the other side of the line, you wonder why they lived as long as they did. Kennedy’s on the “lived too long” side of the line.
But I didn’t intend this to be a rant about how bad of a person Ted Kennedy was. Instead, I offer the other side of Frank’s post: He asked for kind words. I’m asking for Ted Kennedy jokes.
And I’ll start.
But first, here’s the background on this Ted Kennedy joke. I heard it in either July or August, 1969. I had just turned 11, and this was one of the first “naughty” limericks I heard. Shortly after the Chappaquiddick incident, someone shared this with me:
There once was a Senator from Mass.
Who wanted a new piece of a**
He lucked up and found her
He f**ked up and drowned her
Now his chance to be president has passed
If you have a joke about Ted Kennedy, let’s hear it. If it has any naughty words, do clean them up, if possible, or censor them, as I did above.
Bring ‘em on.
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(17 votes, average: 4.76 out of 5)Tags: Kennedy
August 26th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
The Massachusetts State Senate will now pass a law making vehicular manslaughter illegal.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I say all political Kennedy’s are lazy!
My proof? They all leave office before their term is up!
August 26th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
#2, that was funny
August 26th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
There’s a joke that I’ve heard (and told) for at least 20 years. The global location changes but it goes like this…
Did you hear the latest about Iran? There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Jane Fonda is going to Tehran. The good news is that Ted Kennedy is driving her to the airport.
A perfectly good joke shot to hell.
It’ll see you there Teddy.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Teddy Kennedy’s Brain Cancer has killed more Libtards than my firearms.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
I have a vague recollection of an old skit on SNL(?) that was Family Feud with the Kennedys on one side and some other presidential family on the other. Whenever Ted Kennedy mouthed off the other family would taunt “Chappaquiddick! Chappaquiddick! Chappaquiddick!”
August 26th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
The moment I saw the news of his passing this popped in my mind:
“Well, after all these years it looks like Mary Jo Kopechne might get a second date.”
August 26th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Um… Basil,
Will a sight gag do?
August 26th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
I heard the Dead Kennedys got a new member…
August 26th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
I’d tried making a few jokes when he had his heartattack/stroke/near death experience/surgery a few days/weeks/months/years ago but, I figure I’ll give it at least 24/48/72 hours before I start making jokes. Death to a loved one just hits too close to home given recent events in my life (Ted definitely wasn’t a loved one). All seriousness aside, I’m pretty sure he was an asshole.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Jokes about Teddy!? NEVER!
I could never come up with a joke bigger than the man himself.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:38 am
I remember a Saturday Night Live Weekend Update in the 80s that showed the senator on a boat with a female companion (clearly not his wife if he was married at the time). The SNLWU “reporter” commented that it appeared the senator had changed his position on offshore drilling.
(Yes, I know that Rush had a bit on this and I doubt it was original to SNL – - that’s just where I saw it first)
August 27th, 2009 at 1:02 am
“The fat is in the fire.”
– John Heywood, Proverbs (1546)
August 27th, 2009 at 1:03 am
I understand the scottish government is releasing the scotch makers on grounds of compassion.
August 27th, 2009 at 1:05 am
What’s the difference between the coverage of Ted Kennedy’s death and the coverage of Michael Jackson’s death?
I’ll NEVER get tired of hearing, “Ted Kennedy is DEAD!”
August 27th, 2009 at 2:57 am
An old joke adapted- well probably poorly adapted, but no cuss words anyway…
Given his indescretions, Ted’s family wanted the priest at the funeral to say that Ted Kennedy is a Saint. They spoke to priest after priest, and none would consent to conduct the funeral with that condition.
They even offered donations to the church whose priest would say that Ted Kennedy is a Saint. Still no takers. they kept raising the offer until it reached $500,000.
Pastor Jones, of a Pentecostal Boston church heard about the offer and asked if he could conduct the funeral. “We have a small but growing inner city congregation and could use certainly use the $half million in our ministry to the downtrodden.” His flock was shocked that their pastor would sell himself for any amount of money, for they knew him to take a strong stand against the infamous behavior of the Kennedy clan.
The Kennedy family, desperate for a man of the cloth to conduct the ceremony, consented and beside the Democrat elites, hundreds of Pastor Jones neighbors and congregants packed into the funeral and tuned it in on C-Span to see if the humble Pastor would really compromise his integrity for money.
The pastor began, “Teddy Kennedy was a black hearted scoundrel. He was a womanizer, a drunkard, and commited one of the most mysoganistic, evil, cruel, and gutless acts in history by swimming off to leave Mary Jo Kopechne to die in his Oldsmobile at Chappaquidick. Surely he went to hell so fast after his death, he split it wide open when he got there.”
Those assembled sat in drop-jawed silence as Pastor Jones continued,
“But, compared to his family, Ted Kennedy was a Saint.”
August 27th, 2009 at 3:26 am
Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention, did someone mention a Dead Kennedys reunion tour?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:41 am
Stolen from Fark: “Sen Ted Kennedy carries on the family tradition of dying with something lodged in his brain.”
August 27th, 2009 at 5:00 am
A naive RFK campaign worker: But what if I become pregnant?…..Ted Kennedy: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:35 am
What’s white, black and hungry?
Ted Kennedy’s cat.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Why did Ted Kennedy cross the bridge? BWAAAAA!!!!!
August 27th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Fark headline from yesterday: “Sen. Ted Kennedy carries on Kennedy family tradition of dying with something lodged in his brain.”
August 27th, 2009 at 7:51 am
“It’s Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old.” —David Letterman
“According to rumors, Ted Kennedy may have had a child out of wedlock. Well, who hasn’t? But you know, something like this could damage Kennedy’s image with women.” –David Letterman
“Tabloids are reporting that Sen. Ted Kennedy has an illegitimate 21 year-old son. Apparently, Kennedy isn’t denying the report, but the kid is.” –Conan O’Brien
“Today in Washington, Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger had lunch with Senator Ted Kennedy. I understand Gloria Allred is now representing the waitress.” —Jay Leno
“With rumors swirling of him possibly running for office, George Clooney said the only thing he plans to run for has two legs and a skirt. To which Ted Kennedy said, ‘You can do both.’” –Jay Leno
“The John Bolton nomination has cleared the committee. Larry Flynt has entered the fray. He said he has evidence Bolton bought tickets to a swingers club and forced his wife to have group sex. Today Ted Kennedy said he’s heard enough — he’s voting yes.” –Bill Maher
“An airplane comes through the restricted airspace and they evacuated White House and Capital. But Ted Kennedy, he stayed cool. He told the security guy ‘Cover me, I’m going to Hooters.’” –David Letterman
“On Wednesday, President Bush named the Justice Department headquarters after Robert F. Kennedy. Then he went around the corner and named a strip club after Ted.” —Jay Leno
August 27th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I’d rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than for a drive with Ted Kennedy.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Hells Mensans meetings, back when I attended, always ended with “The Ballad of Teddy Kennedy” sung at high volume. Not sure how that tradition started, but from that group, it seemed more tribute than sarcasm. They had to keep changing the lyrics whenever a Kennedy died.
Damn, I can’t find the lyrics on Google – and apparently a republican senator actually wrote a “ballad of Ted Kennedy” this year as tribute… crap.
Well, the lyrics of the chorus (as best I remember) – sung to the stereotypical Irish jig…
Oh your mother is dead
and your father is dead
and your brother is dead
and your brother is dead
and your brother is dead
and your wife is a drunk
and your kid has one leg
and your car doesn’t float
(didn’t fit in the original stanza, so added after a short pause)
and your girlfriend can’t swim
The rest of the verses are all about Chappaquiddick, including “he said, ‘when I left, she had plenty of air’”
It looks like a hurricane is coming up the East Coast about the time they plan to bury him…. Bury at sea whether they like it or not? Maybe Davey Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies will show up to collect him? If it took the hearse too, so that he’s lost at sea in a car, would that be too ironic of God to actually do?
August 27th, 2009 at 9:22 am
THERE ONCE WAS THIS FAT USELESS PRICK,
WHILE TRYING TO HIDE HIS SAUSAGE IN A YOUNG CHICK ,
TOOK THE WRONG TURN AT THE RIVER,
WHERE THIS SHANTY IRISH CHICKEN LIVER,
FAILED TO PUT ANOTHER NOTCH ON HIS DICK.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Ted Kennedy was so lame Jimmy Carter kicked his a$$.
When asked about his past, Ted said “That’s water under the bridge.”
More people have died in the backseat of Ted’s car than in Amercian nuclear power accidents, or Gitmo.
The liberal lion has died. Newsflash: Satan takes up big game hunting.
Scotch futures have fallen 25%.
Hell’s bunsen burner has fresh fuel.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:14 am
ah yes the kennedys reunited for the holidays…in HELL!
August 27th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Q: What do you call a Kennedy, vodka, and water?
A: A fuzzy recollection.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Ted Kennedy died and made the long trip South. After his many years in the Senate, he expected as much. Beelzebub greeted him, and asked which sector of Hades he would like to enter.
“Whichever one has the hottest women and the coldest Scotch”, answered the Lion of the Senate.
“OK, but that’s a long way away, in the circle for Envy”, replied the Father of Lies.
Unfamiliar with the territory and unaccustomed to making his own arrangements, the liberal royal family member ordered “Call me a car”.
“Of course, Mr. Kennedy,” Satan said, and dialed his phone. “Oh Mary Jo … our bargain is complete. Your fare is here.”
August 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am
[...] Basil opens up The Swimmer Joke line. [...]
August 27th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
His body should be doused in Scotch, set aflame, his ashes then dumped into lake Chappaquidick in an oldesmobile shaped urn.
I also heard that the Kennedys were thinking about auctioning off Ted’s head on Ebay so it could be used as a really big pinata.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
He died of brain cancer? How is that even possible?
August 27th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
A priceless gem from parody-master Bob Rivers, sung to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”:
Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were prob’ly near a bar.
All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
“Teddy with your nose so red,
Won’t you help me guide my sled?”
That’s how the police found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
He’s a drunken S.O.B.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Ted Kennedy: Captain of the Chappaquidick Swim Team
August 27th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I seem to recall that some years ago Mad Magazine once had a fake Volkswagen ad that showed a man and a woman in a VW Bug that was floating on a body of water. This was at a time when VW was placing ad’s in magazines that claimed their cars were so well made they could float. The caption read, “If Ted Kennedy had been driving a Volkswagen at Chappaquiddick….he’d be President today.”
August 27th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
zzyzx-
It was a ‘Nat’l Lampoon’ faux ad. Too bad we can’t post images here because I have it in a folder.
On second thought, it’s probably better that we can’t post jpegs here…think of what the trolls would do with that.
[Note: AlanABQ sent the image:
A classic! - B]
August 27th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Not quite Swimmer-related, but from Headless Blogger -
August 27th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I understand that Simon and Garfunkel’s song from the late 1960s, ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’, is to be played at Ted’s funeral
August 27th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
AlanABQ thanx for refreshing my memory. Would you know what month/year it appeared?? I ask this question because I have just about every copy of the Nat-Lamp that I bought from the mid seventies until the the mag died of Matty Simmons disease in the mid nineties
August 27th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
zzyzx-
I don’t when it appeared. But I do have it on file, so if you want a copy, go to my crappy MySpace blog & leave your email in a private message to me. I’ll send it to you.
Or you can Google it; shouldn’t be too hard to find.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I remember a joke from 1980, when he was running against Pres. Carter for the democratic nomination:
Amy Carter won a spelling bee today. She was the only kid in her class who could spell Chappaquiddick.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Or, zzyzx, you can just scroll up!
August 27th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
AlanABQ that faux VW ad is the best. I bet when the Trolls see that they’ll blow a gasket.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Hey, AlanABQ thanx for posting the pic, and the trip down memory lane.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
If the Liberals can talk about Camelot then we can talk about the Lady in the Lake
August 28th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
You’re welcome, but thank Basil too – he requested it from me & posted it quick. Hopefully, everyone else right-clicked & saved it.
August 28th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
The swimmer finally makes it another shore. I hope he’s ready for the reunion.
Here’s the joke-
Ted Kennedy.
August 29th, 2009 at 12:02 am
#46 – Richard,
That’s one reference to Camelot I’d never heard before!
Brilliant!
August 29th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Do you think they got the whole $4,500 for Ted Kennedy?
August 29th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I just think it’s funny to refer to him as “Deadward Kennedy”
August 30th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
….And also a tip of the hat to Basil for posting the VW ad.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:03 am
Unlike George Washington, Teddy could never be president because he could’nt cross a river. I also heard the Massachusetts liquor board has requested an emergency bailout..
September 1st, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I heard Ted Kennedy died. The good news is women in Chappaquiddick will now get into cars driven by guys named Kennedy. The bad news is 500 people lost their jobs when three distileries went out of business.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:23 pm
What’s the difference between a live Ted Kennedy and a dead Ted Kennedy?
The dead Ted Kennedy is probably sober.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Ted Kenned and a guy walk into a bar. They sit down and Ted proceeds to get blind stinking drunk. Eventually passing out at the bar and falling to the floor in a heap. The guy pays his tab and gets up to leave. The bartender yells at him; “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin on the floor!” The guys turns to the bartender and says. “That ain’t no lion, that’s Ted Kennedy.”
September 1st, 2009 at 2:33 pm
The motorcade for Ted Kennedy that should have been.
The hearse bearing the flag draped coffin of Ted Kennedy is crossing a bridge on its way to Arlington National Cemetary. A bee flies into the window of the driver and stings him. The driver loses control of the vehicle and it crashes through the guardrail and plunges down towards the river. As it falls the back door opens and the casket slides out. A gust of wind picks up the flag and blows it away just before the casket lands on a garbage scow heading out to the atlantic to dump it’s load. The wind carries the flag up to the road where it is caught by a young lady walking home from a party where she had refused a ride home from her drunken boyfriend. Oh, and the driver of the hearse is able to get out just before the vehicle sinks and swims safely to shore.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Sign seen on Ted Kennedy’s casket.
“Keep away from open flame”
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Ted Kennedy shows up in heaven and quickly finds a bar. He runs into JFK and Robert Kennedy and in pure enjoyment says, “Hey guys! Long time, no see! Let’s take a shot!” The brothers reply, “Trust us, Teddy. We already have.”