Washington College Students Rally to Protect Cows From Global Warming

Posted on July 13, 2012 8:09 pm

SEATTLE (AP) – A newly released report showing that higher temperatures cause cows to give less milk is uniting climate and animal rights activists to take immediate action to counteract the negative effects of bovine heat stress.

“Stop giving my cow PBR!”

“Cows are happy in parts of Northern California and not in Florida. That’s a good way to sum up the findings of my new research,” said University of Washington economist Rainbow Moonglow Rabinowitz. “A hot cow is a cranky cow, and a cranky cow gives less milk. So, in addition to fighting climate change, we must all struggle together to make our Bovine-American friends happier. If we fail, we risk facing a tragic “Cows With Guns” scenario.

Professional animal rights activist Sunshine Daffodil Wyzowski explained how she developed her so-far resoundingly successful methods of cow-cheering.

“We start with the assumption that cows are highly intelligent creatures,” said Wyzowski, “much like progressive college students. Therefore it’s only logical to conclude that the same things will make them happy. You know, like chanting, bongos, songs by Animal Collective (on vinyl of course), PBR, and ironic hats. If we provide our Bovine-American friends with these things in sufficient quantities, it’s only logical to conclude that we will be able to counteract the effects of climate change, which is man-made and George Bush’s fault.”

Local dairy-owner Billy Bob Jones, whose farm was the center of a recent cow-cheering event, reported mixed results.

“Well, as anyone with a lick of sense knows, cows are pretty dumb,” said Jones. “Kinda like progressive college students. And they’re easily scared by loud noises. Last week, a bunch of them overprivilged, under-brained UW snots come trompin’ onto my land, chanting, beatin’ on drums, and playin’ the gadawfulest records you’d ever heard in your life. Rattled my poor cows pretty bad. They haven’t given a drop of milk since.”

During the interview, Sunshine Wyzowski’s crew paid a surprise return visit to the farm, causing Jones to abruptly run off yelling “get that damn fedora offa my Bessie!”

A subsequent attempt to contact Jones to finish the interview was unsuccessful, ending with shotgun-waving and a request for this reporter to “get the hell of my land, hippie!”

IMAO Ace Reporter drowningpuppies [High Praise!] contributed to this story, and is currently in the hospital having buckshot tweezed out of his tuckus. Get well soon, DP!

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UPDATE: Linked by PBS

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7 Responses to “Washington College Students Rally to Protect Cows From Global Warming”

  1. JimmyB says:

    Good comedy requires a fair amount of intelligence.

    Obviously this site doesn’t have any.

    And your web designer is a clueless amateur.

  2. 4of7 says:

    Washington economist Rainbow Moonglow Rabinowitz?
    Professional animal rights activist Sunshine Daffodil Wyzowski?
    Are you suggesting that all hippie activists are Jewish?
    (or… of eastern European ancestry – I’m not sure Wyzowski is Jewish.)
    Anyway! – Anti-Semite!

    I liked the Cows With Guns video, though. ;)

  3. zzyzx says:

    Sadly, Rainbow Moonglow Rabinowitz was killed in a pottery kiln explosion…or was that Faun Rosenberg?

  4. Jimmy says:

    There was a great chemist at the UDub named Rabinowitz. I had him for freshman chemistry.

    Regarding our cows, MOOOOOOO!

    They eat grass grown with the cleanest rain in America. I wouldn’t trade them for Oregon’s or California’s – or Wisconsin’s!

  5. Rayfan87 says:

    4of7, Wyzowski sounds like a Polish name. That would make sense if she was a polack.

  6. New working paper: Impacts of Climate Change on Milk Production in the United States | Stand-Up Economist links:

    […] 2012), we’ve gotten a bit of press (see below), of which the most hilarious is undoubtedly “Washington College Students Rally to Protect Cows From Global Warming”, which attributes the research to “University of Washington economist Rainbow Moonglow […]

  7. When Academia Meets Humor (and now in Spanish!). Meet Yoram Bauman, The Stand-Up Economist | Development Roast links:

    […] Bauman is currently negotiating a Cartoon Introduction to Calculus, although in the future he would prefer to focus on his research on climate change and environmental taxes, where he regularly makes academic contributions. Last year he co-wrote a paper with the UW earth and space scientist Gerard Roe called ‘Climate Sensitivity: should the climate tail wag the policy dog?‘ in the journal Climatic Change. The ‘tail’ refers to the so-called ‘fat tail’ – the possibility of a large long-term increase in global temperature due to the accumulation of greenhouse gases. And currently, he is working with some colleagues on a paper studying the impact of climate change on milk production in the U.S.A. It turns out that dairy cows are temperature sensitive: the hotter it is, the less the cows eat and the less milk they produce. Bauman summarizes the findings as “Cows are happy in parts of Northern California and not in Florida” and he posted a draft of the paper on his website, attracting journalistic interest of both the serious, and the not-so-serious variety. […]

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