SEATTLE (AP) – A newly released report showing that higher temperatures cause cows to give less milk is uniting climate and animal rights activists to take immediate action to counteract the negative effects of bovine heat stress.
“Cows are happy in parts of Northern California and not in Florida. That’s a good way to sum up the findings of my new research,” said University of Washington economist Rainbow Moonglow Rabinowitz. “A hot cow is a cranky cow, and a cranky cow gives less milk. So, in addition to fighting climate change, we must all struggle together to make our Bovine-American friends happier. If we fail, we risk facing a tragic “Cows With Guns” scenario.
Professional animal rights activist Sunshine Daffodil Wyzowski explained how she developed her so-far resoundingly successful methods of cow-cheering.
“We start with the assumption that cows are highly intelligent creatures,” said Wyzowski, “much like progressive college students. Therefore it’s only logical to conclude that the same things will make them happy. You know, like chanting, bongos, songs by Animal Collective (on vinyl of course), PBR, and ironic hats. If we provide our Bovine-American friends with these things in sufficient quantities, it’s only logical to conclude that we will be able to counteract the effects of climate change, which is man-made and George Bush’s fault.”
Local dairy-owner Billy Bob Jones, whose farm was the center of a recent cow-cheering event, reported mixed results.
“Well, as anyone with a lick of sense knows, cows are pretty dumb,” said Jones. “Kinda like progressive college students. And they’re easily scared by loud noises. Last week, a bunch of them overprivilged, under-brained UW snots come trompin’ onto my land, chanting, beatin’ on drums, and playin’ the gadawfulest records you’d ever heard in your life. Rattled my poor cows pretty bad. They haven’t given a drop of milk since.”
During the interview, Sunshine Wyzowski’s crew paid a surprise return visit to the farm, causing Jones to abruptly run off yelling “get that damn fedora offa my Bessie!”
A subsequent attempt to contact Jones to finish the interview was unsuccessful, ending with shotgun-waving and a request for this reporter to “get the hell of my land, hippie!”
IMAO Ace Reporter drowningpuppies [High Praise!] contributed to this story, and is currently in the hospital having buckshot tweezed out of his tuckus. Get well soon, DP!