Now THIS is a great-great-great grandmother worth bragging about.

Bernie Quigley excused Elizabeth Warren’s pathetic lie about her Native American heritage, saying “It is not so much a lie as it is the acculturation of personal and regional American myth; the fabric of old-soul American consciousness.”

Ridiculous.

Americans are winners. The Indians lost.

Nothing to be ashamed of, though. Americans can at least respect tough fighters. That’s why – even after 40 years of the Cold War – liquor stores still sold “vodka” instead of “All-American Tater Whiskey.” With Native Americans, we honor their relentless spirit with our sports team names, like “Indians” and “Redskins” and “Chiefs.” There’s a reason you’ll never see a team called “Hippies”, or “Biebers”, or “National Organization for Women.”

Warren might as well brag about being 1/32 Chicago Cub.

But if she wanted to just make something up based on “old-soul American consciousness,” why not embrace her inner cowboy? They successfully tamed a land while providing its citizens with tasty steaks. Plus they invented the silver bullet, which has kept our great nation werewolf-free for over 150 years.

Or why not 1/32 Chinese? They built railroads, kept our laundry sparkling white (using their powerful ancient Chinese secrets) and discovered the fold-top cardboard take-out food container.

Yeah, yeah, I know – a woman without brown eyes or straight, black hair claiming to be Chinese… who’d believe THAT?

Harvard, I suppose.

Bunch of losers. Haven’t been to a Rose Bowl since 1920. Might as well be the Cubs.

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This originally appeared in the New York Post.

At some point, we are going to have to face the fact that we’re never going to deal with the serious problems in our county. The economy is still faltering, our debt seems insurmountable, gas prices are out of control, and terrorists are still trying to blow us up with their underwear. So what’s the big issue dominating the presidential race right now? Gay marriage.

I have noticed a few things about the problems we face. They are all a great threat to our way of life, they all must be handled right away, and they are all extremely boring. I mean, most of these are the exact same problems we dealt with back in the ‘70s — no one solved them then, because they were distracted by the president being a bitten by a rabbit. We’d love some fun new problems (“The polar ice caps are going to melt if we don’t change our light bulbs!”), but instead we’re stuck with these old stale ones. And while we all understand it’s imperative that we tackle these problems, as soon as we try to sit down and focus on them, we find out teenage Mitt Romney cut some guy’s hair, and we want to spend all our time discussing that.

I’m starting to worry that maybe we are no longer even physically capable of focusing on the real threats to our nation. In olden times, people had long attention spans for boring things like debt problems, because all they had were tedious black-and-white movies with no CGI, and all the kids had to play with were sticks and rocks. We have advanced technology and entertainment now, so we just can’t pay attention to the important things for long enough anymore (I’m checking Twitter on my smartphone as I write this). And it’s been going on for some time. Based on news coverage, one of the biggest political events of my lifetime was when the Vice President misspelled “potato”.

And it’s not like we can leave it to the politicians to solve our problems, because they’re not any better. When President Obama took office, he saw the joblessness and faltering economy and said, “I don’t feel like dealing with that; I’ve got this fun new health care plan.” What a fun time we had quarrelling about that one — it really took our minds off the skyrocketing unemployment.

Republicans are no help either. They keep repeating to themselves, “Just focus on the economy and jobs!” but then some social issue pops up, and they can’t help themselves, because if there is one thing the right and the left agree on this country, it’s that social issues are fun to pointlessly argue about. And what’s great is that we’ll always be able to argue about them, because they never get solved.

So what do we do? Our real problems are boring, but we wouldn’t mind dealing with them if we could come up with fun solutions to them that involve explosions and kung fu fighting. Except there aren’t any. It’s all mind-numbing budget stuff, and my eyes are glazing over just thinking about it. Maybe we’ll just have to put Ritalin in the water the way we add fluoride to maybe help us all focus. Because otherwise the only time our economy and the national debt will be interesting enough to hold our attention is when the country has already collapsed. That will really grab everyone’s interest, because you’ve seen how popular all those zombie apocalypse shows and movies are. I’ll bet when the government falls, the nation will divide into smaller regions ruled by warlords. I could totally be one of those. I have a shotgun, and I could make a scary-looking metal mask to wear all the time. And I’d come up with a cool name like “The Decimator.” It would be awesome.

Wait. What was I talking about? Did you hear Obama ate a dog?

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Back before Bill Whittle became a PJ Media video star, he had a blog called Eject! Eject! Eject!, which was the oddest site in the entire blogosphere.

Bill would post absolutely nothing for weeks at at time, then he’d post an essay about as long as a Stephen King novel, but it was so incredibly brilliant that EVERYONE would duct tape their kids to the couch and throw their phones out the window so that they could read it straight through without interruption.

IMAO reader Hunter [High Praise!] wrote something recently that reminded me of that, and he asked me to post it, which I do with great pleasure.

Yes, it’s long.

Yes, you’ll wish it were longer.

Duct tape. Kids. Couch. Phone. Window. Enjoy.

______________

My Presidential Address to a Special Joint Session of Congress Regarding the Federal Budget

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am here on behalf of my fellow Americans to speak to you tonight about wrath,

about fury,

about betrayal,

and about blood.

Although the names change over time, and regardless that some members may rightly plead personal innocence, this body together with the office I am now privileged to hold have, within the last few decades, betrayed the public trust, and by acts both of commission and omission have fostered upon the hardworking and honest citizens of this country the greatest financial calamity known to human history.

How dare I call this the greatest financial calamity, when we do not have to push wheelbarrows full of cash to the store to purchase bread, and the bills in our wallets are not printed in denominations of trillions? I dare because I’m speaking in terms of real dollar values, of total assets, of real wealth and actual things, not in percentages of GDP.

It is well known that on numerous occasions in human history entire civilizations have been destroyed. People have been wiped out, their possessions carted away to far-off lands as spoils of war. With their economies, along with everything else, 100% eradicated, and yet with our lights still on, our ability to fill up our cars with gas, and food on our grocer’s shelves, how can I make such a comparison? I make it because in recent decades we’ve been able to lose the equivalent of a prior empire’s wealth and keep the power flowing, our cars running, and our bellies full.

That may start to give you an idea about how wealthy we are. We are the wealthiest country that has ever existed, by far. By. Far.

For example, our technological wealth alone allows the poorest of our poor privileges enjoyed by no emperor in antiquity. And we are blessed by far more than our technological wealth alone.

Our wealth of medical knowledge allows a significant percentage of our population whom nature would have already slain had we lived in our grandparents’ generation, myself included, to happily survive and thrive. And our survival and ability to thrive is bolstered by far more than just our medical knowledge alone.

(more…)

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As you all know, IMAO is pretty centrist. Still, we like to bring in a wide variety of viewpoints, so here to talk about the stimulus bill from the right is Musashi and from the left Scary Evil Monkey.

I Will Be Stained in the Blood of Traitors
By Musashi

Traitors! Brigands! You who voted for the stimulus bill, you dishonor all those who fought and died for this country. You mock that which is much greater than you. For this, my sword will taste your blood! There is no forgiveness for this, only death! I will slaughter you, and slaughter your children (as is the custom in the political process).

As for those who dare called themselves Republicans and voted to sell their countries values, hopefully they can regain enough honor to disembowel themselves before I disembowel them! Their names shall be blotted from the books so that no future generation will know them as Republicans. Upon their graves we shall build urinals.

When all those responsible for the stimulus lay dead, the Capitol shall be burned to the ground. The stimulus bill has now made it an unholy place, and no good shall ever come from it again. Perhaps by this act we can seek forgiveness from the gods and the economy will flourish once again.

We Have All Your Money
By Scary Evil Monkey

hahahahaha!

i cannot stop laffing at dum stoopid neocon heelbilly jues! now that my monkey friends in congress pass stimulus bill, all ur money is now ar money! evreewun lik obama an hate you dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues, so dey take ur money and giv it to heem. now instead of spending on dum stoopid tings, he spend it on smirt elegant tings like guvment financing of gay porn and assistance for all my monkey freends in iran.

wut? dis make u sad? oh poor dum stoopids neocon heelbilly jues with no money becuz the smirt government took it all. u afraid der no money for nascar and churches an other dum stoopid tings? it weel be alright. i weel giv u sum money. how about i giv u five dollars if you let me EET UR EYBALLS AN TURN DEM INTO POO AND THROW THE POO AT U! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

i kid. i not give u five dollars for that. ur eyeballs are now mine. check the stimulus bill if you no believe me. no mor rights for dum stoopids. u all say gudbai to ur countree. an say gudbai to UR EYEBALLS WHICH WEE WEEL EET AN TURN INTO POO… an so on an so forth.

* * * *

I hope you enjoyed this debate and hearing both sides of the issue. Please give us feedback so we here at IMAO can better serve the community.

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I used to really hate Al Qaeda, then I cowered in fear of them and tried to appease them, but now they’ve gone too far and the hate is back again. I’m so full of boiling rage that my skin is starting to turn green and I swear I just heard my shirt rip.

Right after 9/11, I was pissed that lunatic Allah worshippers killed Americans on our own soil. But after these Jokers-without-makeup started killing people for drawing cartoons – CARTOONS! – I figured maybe I should just roll over like a whipped dog before those bat@#$% crazies started looking my way.

So I stopped shaving, changed my name to Al-Harvey, started wearing funny hats, threw a flour sack over my wife, and did my Pilates 5 times a day on a fancy imported rug. I even replaced that Bible under the short leg of the couch with a Koran. Figured I was good to go.

Just to be EXTRA safe, though, I voted for Obama, because all my new Muslim overlords – from Islamic State of Iraq leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi to Hamas to Ahmadinejad – told me that’s who they wanted as President.

Well, now that I’ve sold out my party, my nation and my soul, it turns out that they’re STILL not happy! Ayman Al-Zawahri (leader of Al-Qaeda ever since Osama got turned into a Tora Bora bloodstain back in 2002) says Barack is just a “house Negro” with a “heart full of hate” and that terrorists now “must continue to harm [America], in order for it to come to its senses”.

I don’t get it. You terrorized me in good faith, and I capitualted faster than Micheal Moore’s diet on National Free Donut Day. I thought we had a deal.

Apparently they have altered the deal. I pray they do not alter it further.

But if they do, well, I have enough guns & ammo to start my own religion in Texas.

And I have a couple dogs.

Bring it on.

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Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Don’t Be A Pussy: Thompson/Norris 2012″ and “Bowing Towards Mecca So I Can Moon It From The Other Direction” (with Enani Si Malsi).

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