Archive for the ‘Editorials’ Category

Samurai vs. Monkey: The Stimulus Bill

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

As you all know, IMAO is pretty centrist. Still, we like to bring in a wide variety of viewpoints, so here to talk about the stimulus bill from the right is Musashi and from the left Scary Evil Monkey.

I Will Be Stained in the Blood of Traitors
By Musashi

Traitors! Brigands! You who voted for the stimulus bill, you dishonor all those who fought and died for this country. You mock that which is much greater than you. For this, my sword will taste your blood! There is no forgiveness for this, only death! I will slaughter you, and slaughter your children (as is the custom in the political process).

As for those who dare called themselves Republicans and voted to sell their countries values, hopefully they can regain enough honor to disembowel themselves before I disembowel them! Their names shall be blotted from the books so that no future generation will know them as Republicans. Upon their graves we shall build urinals.

When all those responsible for the stimulus lay dead, the Capitol shall be burned to the ground. The stimulus bill has now made it an unholy place, and no good shall ever come from it again. Perhaps by this act we can seek forgiveness from the gods and the economy will flourish once again.

We Have All Your Money
By Scary Evil Monkey

hahahahaha!

i cannot stop laffing at dum stoopid neocon heelbilly jues! now that my monkey friends in congress pass stimulus bill, all ur money is now ar money! evreewun lik obama an hate you dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues, so dey take ur money and giv it to heem. now instead of spending on dum stoopid tings, he spend it on smirt elegant tings like guvment financing of gay porn and assistance for all my monkey freends in iran.

wut? dis make u sad? oh poor dum stoopids neocon heelbilly jues with no money becuz the smirt government took it all. u afraid der no money for nascar and churches an other dum stoopid tings? it weel be alright. i weel giv u sum money. how about i giv u five dollars if you let me EET UR EYBALLS AN TURN DEM INTO POO AND THROW THE POO AT U! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

i kid. i not give u five dollars for that. ur eyeballs are now mine. check the stimulus bill if you no believe me. no mor rights for dum stoopids. u all say gudbai to ur countree. an say gudbai to UR EYEBALLS WHICH WEE WEEL EET AN TURN INTO POO… an so on an so forth.

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I hope you enjoyed this debate and hearing both sides of the issue. Please give us feedback so we here at IMAO can better serve the community.

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What Do I Have to Do to Appease You?
An Editorial by Harvey

Friday, November 21st, 2008

I used to really hate Al Qaeda, then I cowered in fear of them and tried to appease them, but now they’ve gone too far and the hate is back again. I’m so full of boiling rage that my skin is starting to turn green and I swear I just heard my shirt rip.

Right after 9/11, I was pissed that lunatic Allah worshippers killed Americans on our own soil. But after these Jokers-without-makeup started killing people for drawing cartoons - CARTOONS! - I figured maybe I should just roll over like a whipped dog before those bat@#$% crazies started looking my way.

So I stopped shaving, changed my name to Al-Harvey, started wearing funny hats, threw a flour sack over my wife, and did my Pilates 5 times a day on a fancy imported rug. I even replaced that Bible under the short leg of the couch with a Koran. Figured I was good to go.

Just to be EXTRA safe, though, I voted for Obama, because all my new Muslim overlords - from Islamic State of Iraq leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi to Hamas to Ahmadinejad - told me that’s who they wanted as President.

Well, now that I’ve sold out my party, my nation and my soul, it turns out that they’re STILL not happy! Ayman Al-Zawahri (leader of Al-Qaeda ever since Osama got turned into a Tora Bora bloodstain back in 2002) says Barack is just a “house Negro” with a “heart full of hate” and that terrorists now “must continue to harm [America], in order for it to come to its senses”.

I don’t get it. You terrorized me in good faith, and I capitualted faster than Micheal Moore’s diet on National Free Donut Day. I thought we had a deal.

Apparently they have altered the deal. I pray they do not alter it further.

But if they do, well, I have enough guns & ammo to start my own religion in Texas.

And I have a couple dogs.

Bring it on.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Don’t Be A Pussy: Thompson/Norris 2012″ and “Bowing Towards Mecca So I Can Moon It From The Other Direction” (with Enani Si Malsi).

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