Archive of entries posted on January 2004

Frank Answers: Evil, Peeing, Cat’s, Violent Videogames, Commie Roomates, and Still Married to a Liberal

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Edward from the Navy:
I have only recently discovered your site. It is very nice, congratulations and good job. However I was very disturbed by something yesterday. I entered a choice on the Filler Poll, and it told me I was the 666th person to vote. Does this mean I am evil? Or perhaps this site is evil, or in fact the Filler Poll itself was evil? I voted again to make sure, and I was then the 667th person to vote, so I’m pretty sure if it was me, it was only a momentary lapse in my general goodness. Do you have any ideas. Thanks.
You are only supposed to vote once, so I think that means you are evil. Then again, the poll is supposed to only let people vote once, so maybe it’s evil – or just incompetent. Anyway, now I can’t trust the results and will just have to throw them out. Buchanan will be disappointed.
Aaron from NY,NY:
If you pee on subway tracks, can the electricity travel up the stream of pee and electrocute your weewee?
No, so go do it now.
Leo from Detroit writes:
My cat’s name was Rocky. My friend’s cats are called Chauncy and Simba. I used to have another cat but to give you her name would be extraneous information. My other friend has a cat named Blake who has a raccoon-tail. I hope you find this relevant.
No, you just wasted all our time – especially mine. Go say five Hail Mary and then burn your cat sacrifice.
The Vigilante from Southeast Michigan writes:
You seem to be opinionated on a lot of things, like gun calibers, France, and monkey ninjas. What is your opinion on violent videogames?
I only like violence in videogames if the violence is central to the story, such as the story being you’re supposed to violently kill lots of people. I especially like Grand Theft Auto III where you could randomly beat people with a baseball bat. I learned some important lesson from that and I think those lesson would be great for kids, too – that lesson being that you can attack whomever you want and get away with it scott-free. I would like more games where you could violently kill monkeys, though, like some of the games in the Turok series.
There has been some criticism of late that games are focusing more on just being violent and less on quality gameplay. I think this is a good idea, because gameplay is overrated. I really don’t think videogames became truly engaging until graphics were good enough to accurately portray blood splatter.
They frankly isn’t enough sex and nudity in videogames, though, but give it time.
Evil Otto from Orlando writes:
I have a question. I need a good t-shirt, but I can not find one to purchase. Do you have any recommendations?
Sorry, nothing is coming to mind. Maybe you could just wear a brown paper sack.
Michael from Cal-ee-forn-ya:
My name is Mike, I’m a freshman at UC Davis in California. At the beginning of the school year I found out that my roommate is a hippie. I never liked hippies which is why I chose to stay away from Berkeley but at least he showers. So I didn’t think too much of it, just made fun of him a lot for his stupid beliefs. The problem is that recently I found out that he also has Commie beliefs. When I heard that he was not only a hippie, but a Commie (which he tries to deny), I got scared. I’m afraid that he may try to brainwash me or something to get me to accept his beliefs. What should I do? I desperately need help, for now I’m holding out but who knows what crazy mind tricks these commies can do.
Strangle him. If college officials question you on why you strangled your roommate, just explain calmly that he was a Commie. If that’s not enough of an explanation for them, strangle them too; they’re also Commies.
Anne Crosby from Lake Worth, Florida
Still married to a liberal.
Thanks for your response. I tried the browbeating thing right off. It worked wonderfully for a while, but things have started to change lately.
He mumbles behind my back, and won’t tell me what he said no matter how hard I scream, squeal, or stomp my foot.
I am getting the suspicion that he may be getting ready to try some sort of “civil disobedience” stunt here in the household. I can’t have that.
You may have to up your methods against him. The best answer to civil disobedience is to spray the dissenter with a high-powered hose. Where to get one, you ask? Try your local fire station. I find they are not well guarded when everyone is called out to fight a massive fire. The challenge to you is how to start a massive fire. Once you have the hose, you just need to lead your husband near a fire hydrant and then blast him.
It’s much cheaper than marriage counseling.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

In My World: Video Wars

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“So jihad because it’s fun and cool!” Osama bin Laden then held up his thumbs.
“What, now he’s released a video!” Bush exclaimed, turning off the T.V. “I think it’s time to fight fire with fire!”
“Last time you did that we were banned from that camp site for life,” Laura warned.
“Bah! If I can make a video just like Osama, then Islamists will listen to me and not Jihad,” Bush declared. “Now where is my video camera?”
“It’s in the attic,” Laura answered, “Now don’t make a mess and be ready in time for dinner.”
“Yes, dear,” Bush sighed, and then rushed off to the attic.

“Why do I have to help with this video?” Dick Cheney asked, positioning the camera, “I have evil Halliburton oil contracts to work on. Why couldn’t you ask Condi?”
“Any time I tell her one of my ideas, she calls me dumb and bops me on the forehead,” Bush explained, “and my forehead is getting sore.”
“Why are we doing this in the basement?”
“Because it has more of a cave like quality,” Bush answered, “Now, can you add some 3D text to the opening?”
“Sure, and I’ll have it fly down with a ‘whooshing’ sound,” Cheney said.
“Kickass. Now let’s get started.” Bush put on his serious face.
“Action!” Cheney called out.
“I urge you all not to jihad,” Bush stated, “educating yourself and stopping being such a bunch of mindless Jew-haters will be much more cool. You should help American troops bring democracy to your region, or, in the least, stand out in areas where we can easily kill you. Now, you may think it’s your religious duty to attack us, but I want to draw your attention to this book.” Bush held up the Koran. “I will beat you with this book – or whatever book is readily available – if you piss us off.”
“Make a reference to recent events,” Cheney whispered.
“What?”
“Make a reference to something recent so people know you are still alive.”
“Oh.” Bush thought for a moment. “Now do as I tell you, or I will feed crocodiles while holding your babies much like Steve Irwin.”
“Now sing a rap song,” Cheney whispered.
“What?”
“It will be cool!”
Bush crossed his arms. “Now you may be uneducated and you may be po’,
But if you mess with us, you’ll end up in Gitmo.
Or dead, foo’.
We’ll break you down.”
“Great!” Cheney exclaimed, “Now all we need is to edit it and have someone secretly deliver it to Al Jazeera.”
“But who can we send on this tedious yet risky task?” Bush pondered, “Oh, yeah… SCOTT!”

“I can’t believe I’m stuck in some crazy Islamic country surrounded by terrorists trying to deliver a videotape,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan grumbled to himself, “and I wonder who they got to sub for me while I’m gone?”

“You can’t keep dodging the questions!” one reporter exclaimed.
“I think he just said, ‘Ding’,” said another reporter.
One walked closer to the podium. “I think the Press Secretary is a toaster oven.”
“And there are toasty English muffins inside!”
“This is the best press conference ever!”

“Here is the tape,” Scott said, concealing his face and handing the tape over to an Al Jazeera representative.
“It will air,” the man said and disappeared into a building.
“I’m glad that’s over,” Scott declared, letting out a sigh. He then noticed he wasn’t alone. “Oh no! Evil terrorists!”
“It’s an American spy,” one evil terrorist exclaimed, “Release the angry, biting monkeys!”
Scott heard screeching heading his direction. “Oh no! Angry biting monkeys!”

“Sources are still verifying whether it is actually George W. Bush on the tape,” the anchorman said, “If true, this would prove that he is alive and well and probably hiding out in the D.C. area. Bush is known to be responsible for multiple terrorist bombings… sorry, make that ‘bombing of terrorists.’ He is also wanted for conspiring with many other countries to commit acts of wanton unilateralism.”
“They didn’t mention anything about the quality of the camerawork,” Cheney said with disappointment.
“Well, you’ve succeeded in your dumbest plan yet,” Rumsfeld stated, “Plus your Press Secretary is now recuperating in the monkey bite ward at the local hospital. Can we do some war?”
“I guess so,” Bush said, “I don’t have any other plans this afternoon.”
“I was thinking we carpet bomb Canada for sending us mad cows,” Rumsfeld declared angrily, “That’s biowarfare and the response must be harsh, overwhelming, and nigh irrational.”
“This just in,” said the anchorman, “Osama bin Laden has responded to the Bush video with yet another video, featuring him singing while backed up by the 72 Virgins Dancers. Due to its fancy lighting and high production value, experts are saying it’s much cooler than the Bush video.”
“What!” Bush exclaimed, “We can’t stand for this! To the basement!”
“Can we have dancing midgets in this video like I suggested?” Cheney asked.
“And a computer animated dinosaur,” Bush said, “No one will jihad when we’re done!”
Rumsfeld started marking X’s on a map of Canada. “Idiots.”

Who Hitler?

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Some people seem to believe that Bush is Hitler, and I think that is wrong. Seems to me it’s time for an enlightening essay.
WHY BUSH IS PROBABLY NOT HITLER
by Frank J.
While it is very hard if not impossible to prove a negative, i.e. Bush not being Hitler, I will do my best because I believe that he is in fact not Hitler. After doing some research, I found out that Hitler was born in Austria in 1889 and died in Germany in 1945 (coincidentally, the same year WWII ended). George W. Bush, on the other hand, was born in America in 1946 and, to my knowledge, is still alive. That by itself seems to be ample evidence that Bush could in no way be Hitler. But there is even more evidence against Bush being Hitler. Hitler was known for having a mustache and being hatless, while Bush is clean-shaven and wears a cowboy hat. That’s quite a stark contrast. Also, Bush speaks garbled English, while Hitler spoke angry, angry German. Hitler was also known to kill millions of Jews, while Bush has killed no Jews that I know of. It is rumored that he once punched an Episcopalian, though. And, while Hitler liked to kill oppressed ethnic minorities, Bush want to kill terrorists, who are under-oppressed criminals. Furthermore, Bush has deposed evil dictators, while, presumably, Hitler would want to be buddy-buddy with fellow mean people and probably play golf with them. Also, when Bush has invaded a country, he’s established democracy there while Hitler would probably want to do mean evil things to the people and not let them vote. And Hitler starred as a loveable tramp in a number of silent, comedic movies, while Bush has shown little comedic acting ability in his two Barney Christmas movies. Finally, Hitler would kill anyone who spoke out against him while Bush doesn’t kill any of his dissenters despite them really, really asking for it.
So who is Hitler? Anyone ever think that maybe he’s Howard Dean? I don’t know what year Howard Dean was born – as I don’t feel like looking it up – but it could be the same year as Hitler! Notice how both “Howard” and “Hitler” start with an ‘h’. This could be a subtle hint… from Hitler! Also, if you shaved Hitler mustaches, restyled his hair, and made him a lot angrier, don’t you think he’d look a lot like Howard Dean? And I’ve never heard Howard Dean say not to kill millions of Jews. Furthermore, I’d really like to punch Howard Dean supporters just like I’d like to punch the supporters of Hitler, the Nazis. And what did Howard Dean do during the Vietnam war? He went skiing, just like Hitler. Finally, why was Howard Dean against deposing Saddam Hussein? Maybe it was because he was afraid next they’d be after other evil dictators like himself, Hitler.
In conclusion, the evidence shows that it is very unlikely that George W. Bush is Hitler, but there is ample conjecture that Howard Dean is. Please pass this information to people who it might interest like those at Moveon.org and the Democratic Underground. Thank you.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Debates, Mars, King Returning, Bobsled Frank, New Year’s Resolutions, and AHHH!

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  • I need to get back in the groove before I do another In My World™, so maybe Wednesday. So here is some crap I came up with until then.
  • Did they just have another Democrat debate? I don’t even think the pundits are watching these anymore. The only interest in them is whether any will be able to topple Howard Dean. Well, I hope Dean makes for an entertaining election year. Republicans are predicting it will be a huge landslide, while Democrats are saying he’s going to lose by a much smaller margin than we all think. Only time will tell who is right.
  • So the European Mars probe failed while our Mars probe kicks ass. This once again proves that space is only for Americans and everyone else should stay out of it.
  • I saw Return of the King over the holiday. My only question was did they rewind the king first?
  • With the rise in popularity of DVD’s, how long until no one would get that joke?
  • To those who said to the previous bullet point, “It doesn’t matter because it wasn’t funny in the first place,” screw you!
  • Over the holiday, I went bobsledding where they had the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. Here is me putting on my helmet:

    Don’t I look like a Jamaican!
    Here is me getting ready for take off. I’m the one right behind the pilot:

    It was a lot like a roller coaster, except I had to be careful not to bump the guy in front of me or we could all die. I have to say, I’m used to experiencing 1G and it never seemed like much, but once you get to 2G’s and 3G’s and more, you really start to notice it.
  • I guess my home phone number used to be the number of a diabetic medical supplier, because I keep getting all these calls for testing strips. I’ve even added to my answering machine message: “This is a residence, not a diabetic supplier.” Still, every once in a while I get a message from some old person asking, “Are you closed right now? Please call me back at…” Old people: stop being so old!
  • Part of my New Year’s resolutions is to become a superhuman, achieving perfection in both mind and body. I also still plan to be rich and famous by the end of this year. The world needs to hear my opinions, and that’s why it is my right – no my duty – to be rich and famous.
  • Also, I resolve that my posts this year will be so funny that you will look at my posts from previous years and exclaim, “My God! What utter crap! I can’t believe I actually used to like this stuff!”
  • This post is excluded from that resolution.
  • Everyone get their shirts? I haven’t gotten mine yet because I was gone. How are they?
  • Look at this hate mail I got from a Danny Robison:

Subject: you are the biggest damn loser
go to hell

Man, there is like nothing to work with there. It’s like my hate-mailers keep getting dumber. Soon I’ll be lucky if I get anything resembling a coherent sentence.

Subject: no like site
Grerawerr!

  • So, I know what you are all asking: what’s happening in monkey news? Well, the news is… IT’S NOW THE YEAR OF THE MONKEY!!!!
    AHHH!
    AHHH!
    AHHH!
    Stupid Chinese.
  • I keep getting requests for a search function on my site. Why doesn’t everyone just use Google with “IMAO” as a search term (or “site:www.imao.us” to be more exact)? That’s what I do. I guess I could add one anyway, but Google, yo.
  • I need to have a serious discussion with all of you about the future of this blog and… bah, I’ll have it later. I’m tired. Hope you all had a great holiday!
  • One more thing: AHHH!

A New Year of IMAO Begins Now

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Hey everybody. I just got home from a day of traveling and am eating some McDonalds. Just thought I’d let you know I ain’t dead or nut’n. Now I have 500 unread e-mails to sort through – some of which aren’t spam – but I’ll try and come up with a post for tomorrow. I haven’t really followed the news for the past week, and having read any blogs, so, if something interesting happened, please tell me in the comments.
BTW, here is my last minute vote for the New Weblog Showcase. Check it out.
Damn, I got to get up at 6am tomorrow and jetlag is going to make it feel like 4am…