“So jihad because it’s fun and cool!” Osama bin Laden then held up his thumbs.
“What, now he’s released a video!” Bush exclaimed, turning off the T.V. “I think it’s time to fight fire with fire!”
“Last time you did that we were banned from that camp site for life,” Laura warned.
“Bah! If I can make a video just like Osama, then Islamists will listen to me and not Jihad,” Bush declared. “Now where is my video camera?”
“It’s in the attic,” Laura answered, “Now don’t make a mess and be ready in time for dinner.”
“Yes, dear,” Bush sighed, and then rushed off to the attic.
“Why do I have to help with this video?” Dick Cheney asked, positioning the camera, “I have evil Halliburton oil contracts to work on. Why couldn’t you ask Condi?”
“Any time I tell her one of my ideas, she calls me dumb and bops me on the forehead,” Bush explained, “and my forehead is getting sore.”
“Why are we doing this in the basement?”
“Because it has more of a cave like quality,” Bush answered, “Now, can you add some 3D text to the opening?”
“Sure, and I’ll have it fly down with a ‘whooshing’ sound,” Cheney said.
“Kickass. Now let’s get started.” Bush put on his serious face.
“Action!” Cheney called out.
“I urge you all not to jihad,” Bush stated, “educating yourself and stopping being such a bunch of mindless Jew-haters will be much more cool. You should help American troops bring democracy to your region, or, in the least, stand out in areas where we can easily kill you. Now, you may think it’s your religious duty to attack us, but I want to draw your attention to this book.” Bush held up the Koran. “I will beat you with this book – or whatever book is readily available – if you piss us off.”
“Make a reference to recent events,” Cheney whispered.
“What?”
“Make a reference to something recent so people know you are still alive.”
“Oh.” Bush thought for a moment. “Now do as I tell you, or I will feed crocodiles while holding your babies much like Steve Irwin.”
“Now sing a rap song,” Cheney whispered.
“What?”
“It will be cool!”
Bush crossed his arms. “Now you may be uneducated and you may be po’,
But if you mess with us, you’ll end up in Gitmo.
Or dead, foo’.
We’ll break you down.”
“Great!” Cheney exclaimed, “Now all we need is to edit it and have someone secretly deliver it to Al Jazeera.”
“But who can we send on this tedious yet risky task?” Bush pondered, “Oh, yeah… SCOTT!”
“I can’t believe I’m stuck in some crazy Islamic country surrounded by terrorists trying to deliver a videotape,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan grumbled to himself, “and I wonder who they got to sub for me while I’m gone?”
“You can’t keep dodging the questions!” one reporter exclaimed.
“I think he just said, ‘Ding’,” said another reporter.
One walked closer to the podium. “I think the Press Secretary is a toaster oven.”
“And there are toasty English muffins inside!”
“This is the best press conference ever!”
“Here is the tape,” Scott said, concealing his face and handing the tape over to an Al Jazeera representative.
“It will air,” the man said and disappeared into a building.
“I’m glad that’s over,” Scott declared, letting out a sigh. He then noticed he wasn’t alone. “Oh no! Evil terrorists!”
“It’s an American spy,” one evil terrorist exclaimed, “Release the angry, biting monkeys!”
Scott heard screeching heading his direction. “Oh no! Angry biting monkeys!”
“Sources are still verifying whether it is actually George W. Bush on the tape,” the anchorman said, “If true, this would prove that he is alive and well and probably hiding out in the D.C. area. Bush is known to be responsible for multiple terrorist bombings… sorry, make that ‘bombing of terrorists.’ He is also wanted for conspiring with many other countries to commit acts of wanton unilateralism.”
“They didn’t mention anything about the quality of the camerawork,” Cheney said with disappointment.
“Well, you’ve succeeded in your dumbest plan yet,” Rumsfeld stated, “Plus your Press Secretary is now recuperating in the monkey bite ward at the local hospital. Can we do some war?”
“I guess so,” Bush said, “I don’t have any other plans this afternoon.”
“I was thinking we carpet bomb Canada for sending us mad cows,” Rumsfeld declared angrily, “That’s biowarfare and the response must be harsh, overwhelming, and nigh irrational.”
“This just in,” said the anchorman, “Osama bin Laden has responded to the Bush video with yet another video, featuring him singing while backed up by the 72 Virgins Dancers. Due to its fancy lighting and high production value, experts are saying it’s much cooler than the Bush video.”
“What!” Bush exclaimed, “We can’t stand for this! To the basement!”
“Can we have dancing midgets in this video like I suggested?” Cheney asked.
“And a computer animated dinosaur,” Bush said, “No one will jihad when we’re done!”
Rumsfeld started marking X’s on a map of Canada. “Idiots.”
One walked closer to the podium. “I think the Press Secretary is a toaster oven.”
“And there are toasty English muffins inside!”
“This is the best press conference ever!”
This is hilarious, but compared to Ari, doesn’t Scott McClellan seem like he has all the charisma of a toaster oven?
I’ll have to bring back Ari sometime; the Bushes did in their Barney Christmas video.
“But who can we send on this tedious yet risky task?” Bush pondered, “Oh, yeah… SCOTT!”
hehe. Poor Scott.
Btw, Frank. You aren’t posting enough 🙂
“He is also wanted for conspiring with many other countries to commit acts of wanton unilateralism.”
For that one Frank can go ahead and take the rest of the month off as it warms the cockles of my spleen. I just wish that so many people hadn’t already read it so I could claim it for my own nefarious purposes.
Great start to a new year. Except for the angry biting monkeys. How come they ain’t flingin no poo, foo?
Wednesday Warp
Yesterday, Frank J. scientifically proves that George Bush is not Hitler. However, he found plausible evidence that someone else could be Hitler… Today, he has another installment of In My World in which you-know-who makes another video tape…no, no…
Let the New Year Begin
The first installment of Frnak’s “In My World” series is finally here. Remember: Friends don’t let friends drink and read…
Man I’ve missed you, Frank! Welcome back!
“I think the Press Secretary is a toaster oven.”
“And there are toasty English muffins inside!”
“This is the best press conference ever!”
Great stuff! Fantastic post.
Words to live by.
It’s great to have you back.
“He is also wanted for conspiring with many other countries to commit acts of wanton unilateralism.”
hurk, gasp, perfect!
There we go, this is what I’m talking about.
Great to have ya back, Frank.
Conspiring to Commit Acts of Wanton Unilateralism
Frank J has a decent “In My World” up. Best line: “Sources are still verifying whether it is actually George W. Bush on the tape,” the anchorman said, “If true, this would prove that he is alive and well and probably hiding out in the D.C. area. Bush i…
Great read as usual. Oh and Frank, I found a little something that may make you happy. I guess there is a suicide epidemic among helper monkeys!!! http://monkeysuicide.com/
Frank, you are a genius!
What we really need is for the CIA to make our own Osama tapes for the terrorists to play. He could say all kinds of funky things. Just imagine the official song of his terrorist group being changed to the Hokey Pokey. Their new home of Satan could be france!
So, do you really work for the CIA or do you just need to be woriking for them?
Frank:
I dont know about “genius”, but if you keep this up, you are well on your way to being rich and famous. this was worth waiting the three months you were gone (ok, it seemed like three months).
by the way, every time someone posts, aren’t they committing wanton acts of unilateralism?
just wondering.
mikey
Wednesday means Prince spaghetti New Blog Showcase day
I don’t know if the blogger is a liberal or a conservative, a republican or a democrat, but this entry at the New Blog Showcase made me laugh out loud. Some of the titles of other recent entries at Flummery include “Bill O’Reilly Wins Debate with Brick…
I would like to request an IMW featuring Bush being an asshat concerning immigration policies. I’m pissed.
But this cooled my anger. You are so funny. I adore you.
Another good read.
When are we going to see our Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, get a mention? The man is ripe for this type of satire. Look at a photo of him sometime and you’ll see what I mean.
After all, he is the Deputy to your Sherrif in our region. Blair got a mention and he isn’t even a Sub-Deputy! I mean really, where would you rather holiday? Cold, wintery England or bright, sunny, happy, Australia.
it’s statements like “the response must be harsh, overwhelming, and nigh irrational” that make rumsfeld such fan-favorite.
Yes but more Rummy is in order.
And Prime Minister John Howard, we need a lot more of him.
“I was thinking we carpet bomb Canada for sending us mad cows,” Rumsfeld declared angrily, “That’s biowarfare and the response must be harsh, overwhelming, and nigh irrational.”
Yet another classic, classic line Frank. That’s just too hilarious. I have really missed reading IMAO (been away from a regular internet connection for the last few months…) Keep it up!
Bush exclaimed, turning off the T.V. “I think it’s time to fight fire with fire!”
“Last time you did that we were banned from that camp site for life,” Laura warned.
Brilliant!
Quite honestly, I don’t usually read your In My World posts, but the toaster oven bit might prove to be the turning point. Really, really funny stuff.
About time!! The liberal kids in the school library are all looking at me while I laugh. Hah hah!
Tidbits
OBL dead since 2001!
Conspiring to Commit Acts of Wanton Unilateralism
Frank J has a decent “In My World” up. Best line: “Sources are still verifying whether it is actually George W. Bush on the tape,” the anchorman said, “If true, this would prove that he is alive and well and probably hiding out in the D.C. area. Bush i…