There are a lot of insurgents causing trouble in Iraq, so I decided the least I could do was set out my crack research team to find out as much as they can about them.
FUN FACTS ABOUT IRAQI INSURGENTS
* The difference between an “insurgent” and a “terrorist” are the spellings and pronunciations.
* The Iraqis violently fighting against the coalition are a minority, and thus should be given preference in hiring and college admissions.
* Some people are against America because they actually liked rule under Saddam. Hey, if they liked torture and oppression, maybe we should be more accommodating to their tastes.
* The natural predator of the Iraqi insurgent is the U.S. Marine which has no known predator and threatens to cause their complete extinction.
* Some religious leaders are causing insurgency in a grab for power. Religion should never be used to grab power. It should only be used to give oneself moral grounding, explain the reasons behind existence, and shame others.
* Monkeys are also opposed to Americans, and are being summarily executed.
* Some consider those fighting Americans to be patriots of Iraq, but, since they harm people of their own country and are trying ruin its future, the more accurate terms for them is “total douches”.
* Insurgents like to use bombs. If you see someone with a bomb, be careful – he may insurge!
* Some insurgents aren’t Iraqis at all, but instead are people who have traveled to Iraq since there aren’t enough opportunities in their own country to be killed by coalition forces.
* That Sadr guy is kinda chubby. I don’t know the relevance of that, but it is a fact.
* Frankly, I’d rather be a chubby cleric than the usual blind cleric, but I don’t know if Allah gives you a choice.
* As a defensive measure, Iraqi insurgents will sometimes run away screaming.
* The insurgents have all the battle knowledge that can be gained by skimming through a copy of The Idiots Guide to Insurgency.
* The insurgents are opposed to democracy because then people will vote that they shouldn’t insurge so much. And, if they can’t insurge, then they’ll probably have to finally get that job at McDonalds, and they don’t want that. Hey, it really ain’t that bad.
* Since Americans and allies are trying their best to build schools and an infrastructure in Iraq and people still try to kill them, that just proves you can’t even please everybody some of the time. Luckily, we can kill anybody anytime.
* Insurgents are trying to use hostages to force American allies to remove troops from Iraq. Hey, not all our allies are yellow-bellied Spaniards.
* In a battle between Aquaman and Iraqi Insurgents, Aquaman’s fish friends would warn him of any bomb attack allowing him to easily avoid it… if the insurgents tried to attack Aquaman in the water. If the attack were land, as usual, Aquaman would be screwed.
* France is now considering sending troops to Iraq so they can give in to terrorists demands and then remove them. Those guys haven’t had a good surrender in a while.
* If you’re surrounded by insurgents, kill them with your guns. If you’re in Iraq right now, you should probably have guns.
* Know what? We should really just go ahead and make Iraq into the richest, most stable democracy in the world. That should piss off those filthy insurgents. Wankers.
Aren’t “first!” comments annoying?
Gotta love Site Syndication through XML.
When’s the T-shirt coming out?
How does one learn to become an Iraqi insurgent??
Besides lecturing at UC Berkely?
–Just contact the Kerry campaign- they’ll give you an information booklet on how to insurge against the U.S. government. For example training of insurgency, just watch Ted Kennedy for a while (caution: you don’t have to become grotesquely bloated like him in order to be an insurgent like him).
I figure al Sadr is chubby because he had a junk food diet. This leads me to believe it’s true that junk food ruins your brain. We need to stop his Twinkie intake and possibly follow the Twinkie trail and till it leads us to the source (probably france.)
–It’s possible that his chubbiness is the reason for his evil nature. Kinda like Fat Bastruid in Austin Powers: “He eats because he’s unhappy, and he’s unhappy because he eats.” It’s also possible that he lashes out because it takes his followers minds’ off the fact that they are all starving and thin while he is so well fed.
–Hmmm… that last reason is probably more true of Ted Kennedy.
–Hey, I just noticed that I have slammed Ted Kennedy in two consecutive posts… GO ME!!!
–Funny, though, how talking about insurgents and evil petty leaders makes one think of the esteemed bloated senator from that one state where they keep electing socialists and communists.
The richest, most stable democracy in the world, except for us!
Excellent, Frank J!
“that just proves you can’t even please everybody some of the time. Luckily, we can kill anybody anytime.” — beautiful, LMBO.
Yep, the French are coming (I hope so).
Amphi, I don’t know which is most annoying, the lead vocal or that damn snare drum. Oww! I’ve never heard a, uhm, singer get so much expression out of a 3-note vocal range. Please interpret for us, was that tuneless bellowing pro- or anti- French or American?
I think my breakfast may insurge if I listen to this again. And this I know,
Frank J is not going to be pleased with the name of this band, nor the simian gods they seem to be worshipping.
Well, Zeb Trout, the music is Invaded by the Monkey Monks. It was just intended on purpose for Frank’s acoustic ambiance. It shakes the cat.
It’s war isn’t it ?
But if you want bad music, there is worse. Here is Nasty Scratch by the Monkeyspank.
I think Sadr is chubby becase he already ate his 72 raisins. That’s why he’s got other people going out and doing his work, instead of him.
No Merrijane, we’ll be killing all their anti-Americans, so they should be good for a whole lot longer 😉
I think if they are fat and not blind, they just call the cleric a Dr. as with Al Zarqawi. Plus, I don’t think that many clerics are actually blind, I think it’s a good excuse:
“Oh, I cannot blow myself up in a crowd of children and women because I am blind. Otherwise, I certainly would.”
More likey Mickakalalal Moore
My cat likes the music, or at least I think he did, he clawed the hell out of the speaker.
I will taunt you a second time
e-claire and SondraK have a competition going, and they need your help! Here’s what you gotta do– Come up with the best taunt you can think of. Anything goes. You’ll only be judged by its quality! So think of a creative insult that our Marines in Fallu…
My trackbacks don’t work well (I’m still practicing) so here comes a real manual ping….where the hell is it?….ohoh…watch out..PING (owch)
http://armiesofliberation.blogspot.com/
Around Bloggdom
So this is what I wanted to post about last night was was too tired. I don’t know how the rest of you do these types of things – man, they take hours! Anyway happy Friday and go forth and…
Around Bloggdom
So this is what I wanted to post about last night was was too tired. I don’t know how the rest of you do these types of things – man, they take hours! Anyway happy Friday and go forth and…
Around Bloggdom
So this is what I wanted to post about last night was too tired. I don’t know how the rest of you do these types of things – man, they take hours! Anyway happy Friday and go forth and learn…
Keep guns around…. I will have to remember that since I am going to Iraq. Wait I build bombs for the Air Force, nevermind.
Mike
Colorado Air National Guard
Aren’t insurgents and detergents diametrically opposed?
Ping!
First we need to protect our homeland. That means Ted Kennedy, Monica’s Cigar, his cur Hitlary, and the peanut eater should all be arrested for treason. Gore should be put in the funny farm for being a mindless idiot. And Babs should be forced to mate with the largest horse we can find, but she’d like that too much. Then we deal with the Arabs. They don’t care if they kill our civilians, our women, our children… so for EVERY American they kill, we should nuke an arab city out of existance. Either they will stop killing Americans or there won’t be any of them left to kill Americans. And if the French don’t like that, we can save a few H-Bombs for them, too.
mon dieux, j’ai trop peur !!!!
Pffff hahaha!
Mort de rire
Thanks to author for this blog, it was realy excite. Read my blog to.