The comments to the Kerry question has been closed. I’l pick winners soon.
Archive of entries posted on June 2004
I Wonder If He’s Shy From All the Attention
Once again, I’m stealing David Letterman’s intellectual property…
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT A BILL CLINTON BOOK SIGNING
10. “He got ‘special sauce’ all over my copy.”
9. “No, I don’t want you to sign my breasts as well.”
8. “Hell no, I’m not going to read all this… but I will beat to death my rival drug dealer with it. Beating someone to death with a presidential memoir– now that’s kill’n with class!”
7. “I think I saw a woman under the table he’s seated at. I wonder what she’s doing?”
6. “Ahh! The aliens are invading and they’re hideous… oh, it’s just James Carville.”
5. “Come on! Just stand next to me and say, ‘I did not have sex with that woman!’ while my friend films. It’ll be cool! Oh! And do that thing with your thumb and lip!”
4. “I know I’m just a kid, but you’re a big inspiration to me and… No, I don’t know if my mother is being properly satisfied by my father. Why do you ask?”
3. “No! Sign it with your pen!”
2. “I like how he said how dedicated he is to the women’s movement… or did he say he ‘likes how women move’?”
And the number one thing overheard at a Bill Clinton book signing–
“Aww… I thought this was the line to meet Carter!”
Ronin Thought of the Day
This is from A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the great samurai warrior Miyamoto Musashi.
Cut and Slash
To cut and slash are two different things. Cutting, whatever form of cutting it is, is decisive, with a resolute spirit. Slashing is nothing more than touching the enemy. Even if you slash strongly, and even if the enemy dies instantly, it is slashing. When you cut, your spirit is resolved. You must appreciate this. If you first slash the enemy’s hands or legs, you must then cut strongly. Slashing is in spirit the same as touching. When you realize this, they become indistinguishable. Learn this well.
Meditate on this and then defeat your enemies.
We Are Ronin
I really like this Reagan’s Ronin idea; I think it goes well with this site because it’s both serious and silly at the same time. It’s fun to pretend to be masterless samurai, but it also gives focus to consider ourselves carrying on the honor of Reagan, a man who symbolizes standing stalwart against a terrible enemy. Keeping out a bowl of jellybeans is a small trifle, but, if it can serve as a daily reminder of the more important things in the world to fight for, then it’s a good thing as well.
As for banners, a number of readers sent in some neat things, but I’ve decided to go with the simple American flag next to “ronin” in kanji. Now that I think I’m getting a better idea what I want to do with this concept, I’ll make a page dedicated to this (and finally get a small crystal bowl to fill with jellybeans for my Reagan shrine). I’ll come up with the pledge, and everyone who wants can sign up and put their name under it.
For now, I’m going to do at least one serious post each week. I want to try and work towards doing some real good where good is needed, and I’ll need your help in doing the actions, coming up with ideas, and pushing me to do what I say I’ll do (bah, I shouldn’t need help on that last one).
Well, more later. Until then, remember the battle cry: “Kill the bastards!”
The Angst of an Average American
I think I’m having a quarter-life crisis – or maybe a quarter-life paradigm shift to use corporate lingo.
First I turn twenty-five. Then, the next day, Ronald Reagan dies – the man I remember vaguely from my childhood when I first learned what a president was, the triumphant warrior of the Cold War, the symbol of what you want a politician to be. He gets his burial with proper honors, more smiles than tears as we remember who the man was and his cheerfulness as he faced down what at the time seemed to be an insurmountable enemy.
So I get to thinking: What am I contributing?
I work a 9 to 5 and try to take some pride in my work, I participate in our economy and plot for financial freedom and riches, and I write this weblog.
I started nearly two years ago because I had funny things to say and wanted an audience to read them, and I feel so blessed to have found one. There never seemed like much of a higher purpose, though; if I ever made an enlightened point on an issue, it was purely accidental. When I started having t-shirts and ads, it helped pay the bills which is always welcome. I just seemed to give a smile to some people and that seemed like enough.
It was the crazy-left, the muckadoos, that made me realize the higher purpose of political humor. The reason they get so riled up to the point of insanity, of not just disagreeing with their political opponents but also comparing them to Nazis, is because they take partisan politics too seriously. And it is a very silly thing. You have a bunch of people trying to act and talk a certain way because that’s how a politician is supposed to talk and act. Unless they screw up, they don’t give straight answers, they don’t say how they really feel, and everything they do is nuanced. It’s childish playacting, and it always will be. So laugh at it, and don’t think because the other guy gets in office the world is going to end. If you do, you’re silly… and probably a butt of some of my jokes.
The only problem is that there are some thing in this world that I want to help do something about, but there is nothing funny about them. Because of people like Reagan, the Soviet threat is gone and no one fears the world exploding; instead we’re left to deal with simple barbarians, and there is nothing funny about the things they do to their fellow man.
Sure, I’ve made plenty of jokes about Islamist, dancing around the brutality they do, but never about the brutality. They kill men, women, and children. They behead innocent people for their idiotic view points. And they want us all dead.
And it’s not just the terrorists. There are people beaten and oppressed throughout the entire Middle East, abused by governments we call allies… governments so childish in nature they won’t even recognize the state of Israel. There are people running whole countries who would have gotten chased town if they ran for dog catcher here. There are millions of lives at stake, and our goal must be to take this whole radical Islam system down… not just the terrorists who threaten us and our allies personally.
What we need for that, though, is resolve, something the media, pretend allies, and too many of our own politicians are trying to fight against. Some woman with a cigarette dangling from her mouth embarrassing our po’ enemy gets tons of press coverage and the outrage of the world while the torture that went on in Abu Grahib under Saddam – the real torture – gets barely a mention.
Yeah, I know, I’m just repeating what a lot of people in the blogosphere and elsewhere are complaining about, but what I want is to do something about it. I tried before with the website Front Line Voices to get the story out of the heroism of our troops, but I know that isn’t going to do it. The sad fact of the human condition is that people respond much more to pain than pleasure. Thus, the way to get people motivated, to keep people focused on the goal, is to show them the barbarism of our enemy. And I don’t mean the horrible pictures of the beheading – that’s just shocking people. Show the jubilation of the terrorists over their killing. Show the writings of the enemy in praise of death. Show everything we can about who these people are, because the fact is that all except the most morally forgone of our society will recognize evil when they see it staring in his or her face. Shades of gray won’t hold up when people see just how black the depravity of the terrorists are.
If I had my way, the head story of every newscast would be about what these brutal thugs are up to, what they’re thinking, what their desires are. And not just focus on the terrorists, but also the brutality of all the government in the Middle East. No more root causes, no more blind tolerance, no more thinking that religious beliefs that involve violence and oppression should have any cultural respect. Every day the American people and the rest of the world would see how horrible the terrorists and the tyrants are, and every day they would get madder and madder.
So why can’t I have my way?
There are some efforts here in the blogosphere to do this – Little Green Footballs the most notable – but we’re still a small force in the media. MEMRI translates Islamists so we can see them in their own words, but what they come up with never makes headlines. There has to be something more we can do.
Are there little things we can do such as writing letters to the right people? Are there big things like making a movie or somehow taking back more of the media from those who use it – unwittingly or not – to help fight the enemy’s fight?
I wish I had some hard answers of things to do right now, but, I’m a decently smart guy, and I’ll work on it. You people all need to think, too. Together, we have the power to make a change. We’re Americans, and that means something to me. It means we’re warriors who fight – if not with guns and sword then with deeds – for liberty and justice above all else. It’s a large responsibility placed on us by all those who sacrificed before us, and thus there is no such thing as an “average” American.
Our duty now is to make sure everyone understands the evil we’re up against.
And then we’ll destroy it.
Face to Face with Chomps
Doug of ThoseShirts.com sent me this image:
So far that’s the image that best resembles what I want for the Chomps t-shirt. Only, it would need to look angrier (it’s an angry dog, all right, but Chomps is the world’s angriest dog).
Someone already offered to take a shot at drawing Chomps, and I was wondering if anyone else would want to try. I’ll show what I get sent, and, if one is so good it gets used for the t-shirt, you get fame, immortality, and a free t-shirt of course.
If I can get the right image, this t-shirt could be so cool…
Kill the Bastards
A few days ago I asked for a battle cry for Reagan’s Ronin. I’m now more sure I know what it should be.
If you’ll indulge me, I’m going to have another serious post tomorrow – serious as I go, at least.
I’ll come up with something funny, too, though; don’t worry. I just have a few more thing I need to get off my chest to keep up my humor.
So, Do You Have Any Military Experience?
I got an e-mail from the John Kerry campaign titled “What would you ask John Kerry” saying how if I set up a house party, I could ask a question to John Kerry. So, I put it to you, my dear readers, to think of what would be the perfect question to ask him. I’ll pick the best one, and the author of it gets to ask me a question (yes, I’m tired of Frank Answers™, so you only get to ask me questions by winning a contest).
So, what would you ask John Kerry?
Ronin Thought of the Day
Know Thy Enemy: Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton’s memoir My Life is out today, but, knowing him, I doubt you’ll get all the facts. So here is what my crack research team could find about our 42nd:
FUN FACTS ABOUT BILL CLINTON
* He was born William Jefferson Blithe, but had to change is name to escape from the law after a series liquor store robberies in Hot Springs.
* They say Clinton’s stepfather was abusive, but, come on, tell me you never thought of taking a swing at him.
* Clinton was a Rhodes Scholar, going overseas to better learn to be an arrogant prick.
* There have been many bad rumors about Clinton, but, according to him, he never inhaled the draft and did not dodge marijuana.
* Before you make fun of Clinton’s “not inhaling excuse”, know he can hold is breath for ten minutes. Can you think of anyone else who can do that?
* Clinton marched in Russia to protest the Vietnam War which is much unlike marching with al Qaeda to protest the war in Iraq because al Qaeda would probably march in a warmer climate.
* The courting of Hillary and Bill is a romantic story as old as time: too much liquor while in Vegas.
* Hillary married Clinton to use his power to eventually see her lesbian conspiracy to fruition in which all men will eventually be emasculated and enslaved… at least according to some crazy guy who used to hang near my college.
* Their daughter Chelsea ended up being quite smart, learning to write at an early age. This made the Clintons very happy, because it allowed her to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
* Clinton was elected governor of Arkansas because he quote “talked purty.”
* When Clinton’s pick-up line of “Hey, baby, I’m the governor of Arkansas” started to wear thin, he set his sights on higher political ambitions.
* Bill Clinton chose Al Gore as his running mate because… uh… hell, I don’t remember why he chose that freak show.
* Some say that Clinton’s story is an inspirational one, showing that, in American, even a fat, lecherous hillbilly can one day be president.
* I stole that previous joke from an old David Letterman top ten list… but I’m pretty sure he once stole from me!
* The famous Clinton lip-biting is a method he developed to keep from cracking up when faking sincerity.
* Bill Clinton seemed to have special appeal with women (he wouldn’t have been elected either time without their vote). My opinion of this as a man is that women are crazy. Always expecting us to know what you’re thinking and voting for Clinton – crazy women!
* Some say Clinton is a vampire, while others say he’s a hillbilly. Either way, he’s vulnerable to a stake through the heart.
* That previous item shouldn’t be construed as a threat. It’s wrong to threaten a president of the United States of America. I believe its okay to threaten who voted for him, though.
* Those who voted for Clinton should fear vengeance from a mysterious one know simply as “The J”.
* Clinton had a number of close run ins while president, the White House being shot at twice, a plane was crashed into the White House grounds, his Secret Service getting fed up and pounding him three times, and Hillary attacking him at least six-hundred times.
* Clinton was never quite the liberal many of his supporters wanted him to be as he signed some policies that involved common sense.
* Clinton is a huge fan of the McDonald’s Big Mac and even tried to get Mayor McCheese on his cabinet.
* Clinton prefers the chubby women ’cause they “got so much luvin to give.”
* Clinton provided a huge economic boost by scaring the public into voting in a Republican majority… a benefit that lasts to this day.
* During Clinton’s presidency, the economy improved, the sun rose every single day, and the earth made eight trips around the sun… all he takes credit for.
* Clinton was much beloved by foreigners… and you see the dinguses they elect.
* To get back at bin Laden, Clinton launched some cruise missiles killing many camels. Since then, camels have been too scared to have any dealings with al Qaeda.
* In all of Clinton’s T.V. statements while seated at his desk in the oval office, he was not wearing pants.
* Most people would not be surprised by that last one.
* Janet Reno, Clinton’s third liberal, female choice for Attorney General, was won over when Clinton removed a thorn from her paw.
* Some say Clinton is a huge liar, while other say he is not… but they’re lying!
* Clinton is banned from all the strip clubs in D.C. for being too grabby.
* Some say a electing a chimp to president would have led to less disgrace to the Oval Office… as long as he wore a diaper.
* You know some liberal is going to read that last one and say, “We just did!” and then quickly follow up with, “Except he was selected, not elected!” followed by, “No Blood for Oil!” Stupid hippies.
* Like the cougar, Clinton can swim for short distances.
* If you’re a woman and are approached by Bill Clinton, know that he’s immune to all but the strongest pepper sprays.
* Were Clinton like Pinocchio, Scientist estimate he would be in very much pain right now as his nose would currently be being burnt by Alpha Centauri.
* Also, if a liar’s pants actually caught fire, scientists estimate that the heat from Clinton’s pants would provide more than enough power to provide the world’s energy needs. How you would get them down from the telephone wire, though, is unknown.
* Clinton is so whipped by Hillary that he handled making Vince Foster’s death look like a suicide even though it was her who shot him in a fit of rage.
* When Clinton left office, some thought he was a little too loose with the pardons, but, in his defense, he charged quite a bit for them.
* To be quite honest, I still have no idea what the Whitewater scandal was about, but I still think Clinton should have been thrown out of office for it and then put in jail.
* In a fight between Bill Clinton and Aquaman, Clinton would use his slick charisma to win over all of Aquaman’s fish friends. Being outdone in his only real superpower, Aquman would go into a downward spiral, finally O.D.’ing on heroin.
* Clinton’s memoir, My Life, is 957 pages long, making it a great book to hollow out and put a gun in.
* While Ronald Reagan had a state funeral and was mourned by millions as his coffin was brought across the country, Clinton will most likely just be tossed in a dumpster when the time comes.
* Clinton may have gotten away with a lot in this life, but, when the final judgment comes, God will know what the definition of “is” is.
* A hundred years from now, Clinton will only be remembered for his sexual peccadilloes with Monica Lewinsky… which is unfair to him since there are also those legitimate charges of rape.
* I don’t like Clinton.
Links of the Day
I’ve decided to bring back Links of the Day™. I would never have gotten anywhere without people linking to me, so I should keep returning the favor.
First, it’s a pretty sad story when chimpanzees show more humanity than man.
Still, some monkeys have developed bionic jumping abilities to create havoc.
More good things from chimps: here’s the perfect Care Bear.
I don’t think I’ll ever be the number one Google hit for Frank (I have to compete against Frank Sinatra, Anne Frank, Frank Lloyd Wright, etc.), but Harvey found out I’m already number 34 and is trying to do something to help. Let’s all join in!
The movie Michael Moore Hates America has a new trailer. It appears it’s about a lot more than just Michael Moore; it’s about the problems of documentaries in general and how great America is. I’m excited to see the full movie.
I got the fourth season of The Simpsons about the same day the puppy blender did, but when I received it in the mail I found that Amazon had done the (begin Comic Book Guy voice) worst packaging job… ever! (end Comic Book Guy voice). The packaging was crushed and the inner plastic to hold the DVD’s was smashed. As soon as I put a complaint to Amazon, though, they put out a new order for me with two-day air shipping and gave me a label to print out and return the smashed copy with. Just had to paste the label on a box and it didn’t cost me any postage. Pretty good customer service, I’d say. Should have it tomorrow. Woo-hoo!
Finally, here’s a great essay on being American from someone who chose to be one. (hat tip to Emperor Darth Misha I)
Sometimes It’s Hard to Keep Your Humor
What is it with terrorists and beheading? I just can’t stand hearing about these freaks anymore. We not only need to kill them, we need to claim their dead bodies, grind them up, and feed them to pigs– and broadcast on Fox. It’s be the “Pigs Eating Terrorists Show” and I’m sure the ratings will be huge.
Some may say such gruesome tactics would bring us down to the terrorists’ level, but, believe me, we couldn’t get that low if we tried.
Say a prayer for Kim Sun-il and his family, and, while you’re at it, take a moment to be thankful for America’s allies.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today’s wisdom come from samurai Benjamin Takeshi Franklin whose fearsome visage protects our hundred dollar bills from evil spirits. He said:
It’s all about the me’s, baby!
Okay, he didn’t say that. What he did say was:
Work as if you were to live a hundred years,
Pray as if you were to die tomorrow.
A true samurai keeps death in mind at all times.
I Want the Truth!
As promised, I wrote James Taranto to find out if Michelle Malkin is really being blacklisted by the Wall Street Journal opinion page.
To: opinionjournal@wsj.com
From: imao@cfl.rr.com
Subject: Is Michelle Malkin being blacklisted by the WSJ?
Please excuse my English, for I went to public school.
I am Frank J. of IMAO, the powerful leader of right-wing humor in the blogosphere. Michelle Malkin mentioned in a recent post (http://michellemalkin.com/archives/000044.htm) that, because of her views on immigration, she is blacklisted from writing in the WSJ opinion page.
All Michelle wants to do is keep terrorists from coming into America and blowing themselves up and, more to the point, others, and it seems dishonorable to ostracize her for that. Thus, I decided to turn to the wise James Taranto since I have read Best of the Web for a long time and know him to be a crusader against anyone who threatens America, liberty, and apple pie. So, what do you know of these charges?
I warn you. Now that Michelle Malkin is a blogger, she falls under our protection. We are a powerful lot with the ability to write stuff and put it on a webpage. You do not want such power – the power to write stuff – used against you.
I hope you can give a forthright answer to this and continue good relations between us all.
Cordially,
Frank J.
http://imao.us
P.S. Please link to IMAO more often in Best of the Web. It will make you look smart and hip.
I encourage others to write letter to so we get an answer. Just be nice (I like Best of the Web) and make sure you mention you’re doing this on my behalf and not Michelle’s so she doesn’t get in trouble.
We of the blogosphere must stick together!
…unless one hogs all the traffic and blends puppies.
In My World: The Independent Part II
“So terrorists are still attacking right and left, people are getting kidnapped and killed, Satan is gaining in the polls, and we can’t hail Aquaman on the Aquaphone,” Bush stated, “I guess it’s up to us to handle this all.” He turned to Scott McClellan. “You need to talk to the press.”
“Yes, sir!” Scott answered and ran out the door.
Bush looked to Cheney. “I’m up for some ping pong.”
Cheney held up a paddle. “Sounds like you’re ready to lose!”
“What’s with the White House’s personal attacks on Satan?”
“He’s a very evil man… or demigod… or demon… or whatever,” Scott said, “And we’re going to call things as we see them.”
“Isn’t ‘evil’ a little harsh?” asked another reporter, “That seems to be bringing negative rhetoric to an unprecedented level.”
“But he’s Satan!” Scott said with frustration, “You just know that he’s cooking up something evil!”
“What the voters seem to know is that everything is falling apart under Bush and that Satan has some real solutions to terrorism while John Kerry served in Vietnam.”
“Is there a question there?” Scott asked angrily.
“Do you have any response to that?”
“Yes. The economy is on track, we have the right course set out for Iraq and the war on terror, and Satan is evil and John Kerry is a goober.”
“Hi, this is Lefty Stevens from CNN,” said another reporter, “Though I can’t figure out how to work it into this topic, I feel the need to bring up Abu Grahib.”
Scott groaned. “Okay, this press conference is over.”
“I don’t like this Satan person,” John Kerry said, “He has that… uh… that thing I don’t have.”
“Charisma?” Terry McAuliffe offered.
“Yes. He’s stealing away my momentum… even though he never served in Vietnam. Why can’t you do something about him?”
“We used to have such good relations,” Terry said, “I guess he’s gotten disappointed at our ability for evil lately.”
“Maybe we could get him to drop out and support us if we burnt down an orphanage,” Kerry suggested.
“Carville and I tried that yesterday,” Terry answered, “That demon bastard is set on running. Don’t worry, though, I have an evil plan to ruin his next big speech… so evil he could have thought of it himself. Muh ha ha ha!”
“The fools! Soon I will have them eating out of my hand!” Satan proclaimed, “With their blind trust, I will lead them to their dooms!”
Bee rolled her eyes. “Your mike is on.”
Satan was stunned for a second. He then turned to the crowd with a smile on his face. “I’m just joshing you guys. Anyway, it is time for real leadership… the real leadership you get from a true moderate who can bridge all gaps. Here now is a member of al Qaeda.”
“It’s great to be here, Satan!” said the terrorist, “You’re a great guy!”
“Now, do you think you guys can stop the killing?” Satan asked.
“Anything for you, our evil master,” the terrorist said, “With you in charge, we’ll give up our violent ways and solve our problems like the Europeans… with long pointless debates!”
The crowd cheered.
“See, terrorism can be solved with out rash action,” Satan said, “and…”
“Can we still kill jooos?” the terrorist asked.
“A few,” Satan quickly answered, and then turned back to the crowd. “As I was saying…”
“Hey, Satan! It’s me!” yelled a voice from the audience.
Satan spotted the interloper and then sighed. “Hello, Bill Clinton.”
Clinton hopped on stage. “It’s so great to see you again. You really helped me out back in the day.”
“Think nothing of it,” Satan said curtly, “Anyway, I’m trying to give a speech here…”
“I know! It’s great!” Clinton exclaimed. He then looked to the crowd. “Satan here is a great guy! I’m still supporting John Kerry, though, because I think he’ll best continue my style of leadership… a style of leadership I describe in my book My Life.” He then held up a copy of his book. “It comes out tomorrow.”
“This isn’t a book promo for you!” Satan shouted.
“You’re right,” Clinton answered, “This is about you, Satan, and not about my book which describes in great detail how I’m the greatest president since… ever! So, any questions about Satan that I can answer by talking about me and my book?”
Satan flung his hands in the air in desperation and then sulked off stage.
“Let’s take a question from Chomps, the world’s angriest Clinton supporter,” Clinton said, “I bet the vast right wing conspiracy is what has really made you mad.” Clinton looked more carefully at his supporter. “Actually, it almost appears you’re angry at me… very angry.”
“I remember when you said he was going to be your next Hitler.”
“I think it goes without saying that he’s been a disappointment to a lot of people,” Satan responded, “I still believe there is some potential for that Hillary.”
Bee shuddered. “She gives me the creeps. Anyway, you need to do something to keep Clinton from stealing your spotlight.”
“What?” Satan asked with frustration, “I could burn him with hell’s fire and he’d just go on all the talk shows telling everyone about it.”
Bee looked over to the stage. “Actually, it appears that he’s being thrashed about by an angry rottweiler right now.”
“Good,” Satan said with a smile, but then a thought struck him. “Hey, if that dog is here, that means…” He then stopped.
“Means what?”
“Oh… nothing,” Satan said as he lightly took hold of Bee and moved her a bit to the side. “Could you just stand here?”
“Why?”
Satan started running, and then Bee turned to look behind here. Charging her was Rumsfeld with a pitchfork in hand. “I’ll teach you to steal my crops when I was a kid!”
“Ahh! Not again!” Bee shrieked and then started running. “That Satan can be such a bastard some times.”
Bush and Scott sat in front of a T.V. playing videogames. Laura Bush then walked into the room. “So have you solved the problem of Satan trying to run for president to bring an end to all humanity?” she asked.
Bush paused his game. “Uh… yes dear.”
She looked at him suspiciously. “You were up all night playing videogames, weren’t you?”
Bush looked to the floor. “Scott made me do it.”
“I kept telling you I wanted to go to bed but you wouldn’t let me!” Scott yelled.
“You can’t just hide from this problem,” Laura chided Bush, “You have to stand up to Satan and tell him he’s a very bad man. Then you have to get him to stop running for president, even if you have to risk your own soul. That’s what a real leader would do.”
“You’re right, dear!” Bush declared as he rose to his feet, “I’m going to stop Satan right now. I’ll show the courage I have by marching right into the terrifying depths of hell and confronting the prince of darkness alone.” He turned to Scott. “Oh, and you’re coming with me.”
“Dammit!”
TO BE CONCLUDED…