Cheney made fun of Kerry’s statement about fighting a “more sensitive war on terror.” Republicans are so mean; I don’t know why I am one (oh yeah, I’m mean; that reminds me: you’re all losers!).
Anyway, I was thinking, if Kerry is elected president, how could we conduct a more sensitive war on terror? Here’s what I came up with:
* Instead of writing things on missiles such as “Suck on this!” and “Payback time!”, write “We’re really, really sorry about this.”
* Bombers will have a bumper sticker on them saying, “How’s my bombing? Call 1-800-COLLATERAL”
* Replace Marine triumphant yell of “Ooh-rah!” with “Kumbyah!”
* Everyone in the Navy must memorize and be able to sing the lyrics to the Village People song “In the Navy” (or is that already mandated?).
* Instead of training with use of bayonets for close quarters combat, they’ll train to use hugs.
* With each division, embed a reporter and a clown who can make balloon animals.
* Near each base, have anonymous complaint forms for terrorists to fill out (no bombs in the suggestion box, please).
* Instead of rifles firing NATO rounds, they fire bubbles. Yay bubbles!
* Give terrorists who bomb civilians a “time out.”
* Before beginning a strike, drop leaflets over the targeted area entitled “So you’ve been attacked by America.”
* Train Special Forces to sneak into a terrorist headquarters while the terrorist are away so they can set up an intervention.
* Just because it’s a war zone doesn’t mean there has to be so much yelling.
* Each soldier gets assigned a terrorist to be the secret Santa of.
* Enemy fire is immediately responded to with the statement, “We know this is just misdirected anger at your father.”
* Less naked prisoner pyramids.
* Try to get terrorists to surrender by reminding them over and over that our commander in chief “served in Vietnam.”
This is so funny I spewed my coffee. By the way if you do spew coffee through your nose make sure you are using half and half. That powder creamer burns like hell.
Good to know… Hey Frank, don’t we already shoot bubbles? Lead bubbles? That aren’t hollow? That aren’t technically bubbles? btw… Ooh-rah isn’t just marines. As far as I’m aware, all branches use some form of it.
thanks for the tips.
AND THE FUNNY! that was great.
sorry, no Coke yet today.
Hey do not lump what we Army guys do with the Marines. We do the OOOH-RAAA teh Marines do something like DUUHHHH!!! But I am not sure so do not quote me!!! 🙂
Consider yourself unquoted.
Damn I should have saved this for later in the day, now what do I do to entertain myself at lunch?
Don’t worry. I have a special post for lunch time.
Me likey funny stuff. So how do we make S.M.I.T.E. more sensitive? Make it just strong enough to tickle the terrorists?
The Air Defense Artilery shout “Woosha!”
It’s too bad the terrorists don’t have a proper air force to shoot down. It would be funny to shoot down their little planes.
When it comes down to it, isn’t a swift death the more sensitive thing to do?
I know that Artillary guys always say “Check” instead of OOOH RAAA, I have no idea why.
Mr. Frank J. sir, I’ve only read the first three items and already I’m grinning ear to ear.
You are a genius and in addition a marvel of agility for being able to type with a straitjacket on.
Now for the rest of the Sensitive WoT list.
Hey Cowtipper, if you want to meet a smart Marine, go here. The guy is extremely intelligent.
LC,
I assume that you have not been in either branch. If so you would know it’s a long running joke for the Army and Marines to make fun of each other. They always have and always will.
When did Kerry become comander in chief? Did I miss the election?
Damn Narcolepsy!
Cowtipper,
no, I’m well aware of it. I was just pointing out an exception to the rule. 🙂 (it’s also a running practice for both of them to make fun of the Air Force, and for everyone to make fun of the Navy.)
Gee Frank J, I didn’t know reporters could make balloon animals! I learn so many things on your site.
My advice on making SMITE more sensitive would be to dress it in earth tones, and let it grow facial hair.
“everyone to make fun of the Navy”
Well when they always smell like squid how could one not make fun?
I’ve just completed state mandated in-service training concerning discipline issues for children with “special needs” so I’m feeling the sensitivity vibe all the way down to my pinky toes.
Let’s just say that we could apply this training I was subjected to, to terrorists. After all they seem to have some “special needs”. It might go something like this.
You spot a terrorist who is engaging in some type of misbehavior. You issue him a directive such as:
“Mujahid, I want you to drop that bomb right now. You know that bombs are not allowed on this base.”
Mujahid may very well try to distract you by hurling a baseless accusation at you. For example he may scream, “You just hatin on me cause I don’t be western and shit.” This is a trap. Dont allow Mujahid to engage you in a discussion concerning your motivation. You must immediately raise the bar concerning the correction of his behavior. Your response to Mujahid is as follows:
“Mujahid, you are expected to drop that bomb immediately.”
According to the very sensitive dipshits who led this inservice, the word “expect” has some type of mystical power that communicates some type of powerful message to Mujahid that quite frankly, I never understood. At this point Mujahid may get very personal with you in order to redirect the conversation away from his behavior. For instance, “You a damn honky bitch. And shit.” Do not acknowledge or respond to Mujahid’s vile and insulting language. It is now time to push Mujahid into making a decision. You should respond as follows:
“Mujaheed you have a choice to make. You can either drop the bomb, or I will write you up not only for bomb possession but also for insubordination, and report you to CENTCOM. I’m going to get out of your face and allow you to get your head together, and we’ll talk about the decision you’ve made in a little bit.
It is now time to leave Mujahid alone so that he may thoughtfully contemplate his actions and make a rational decision about his future. Later on, after the smoke has cleared and the Mujahid has regained his composure, you will be expected to debrief Mujahid and at this time you can teach him a couple of more productive, and less confrontational responses to your directives.
Make no mistake about it though, I prefer the strategies that Frank’s Rumsfeld would use…..even for school children with special needs.
Thanks for making me smile during my week of Hell in DC!
Sensitive Men
…the Bush quote:
“Now in terms of the balance between running down intelligence and bringing people to justice obviously is — we need to be very sensitive on that.”
That’s from August 6, 2004, so the flip-flopping of this administration can…
OMG “Instead of writing things on missiles such as “Suck on this!” and “Payback time!”, write “We’re really, really sorry about this.”
That’s like the funniest thing I’ve read in forever and a day.
I second that BearHunter! I want to be a terrorist’s secret Santa and send him books by Dr. Phil. He may just gouge his eyes out!
Good one Sticky B!!
I like the secret Santa idea too. Perhaps we should also paint our tanks pink?
“* With each division, embed a reporter and a clown who can make balloon animals.”
Isn’t that redundant? Why not just give the clown a camera, laptop and satellite link?
Maybe interrogation time could include a little “get to know you” ice breaker game at the onset.
“Ok, Osama, if you were a tree…”
I can’t compete with Frank’s genius, but here’s one extra thing that seems to fit:
* When things look grim, the President will use a special phone to call the country’s greatest hero… AQUAMAN!
heheh…. good post Sticky B
no, no, no, the army says HOO-AH. geeze people do I have to tell you everything??? (feelin punchy, pickin up the hubby tomorrow) Yay!
That’s what the Air Force says as well.
Navy special ops guys say “Hooo-YA!!!” But the rest of the Navy has no specific loud affirmation.
And IMAO guys say this:
http://www.bestwavs.com/PlayWav/playwav.asp?wavfile=/wav01/KingOfTheHill/internet.wav
other ideas:
* start a program to plant pansies on the mass graves of Saddam’s opposition
* Kerry donates daughters as a harem for Saudi terrorist financiers to show good will
* Heinz donates loose sofa change to children of gassed Kurds so they can tour Auschwitz.
* Kerry relocates Oval Office to Sear’s Tower to show confidence in new terrorist czar.
* Annex Canada so Al Qaeda members embedded in the US can get cheaper drugs.
* Only award Purple Hearts for self-inflicted wounds
* use Heinz Ketchup-filled paint balls instead of bullets
… I can’t wait for Christmas to give them my present… just that I don’t think I’ll be out of Basic in time for Rahmadan (or how ever those silly people spell it.)
Maybe in this Nicer WoT, to appease the French and other anti-semites, blame everything on the Jews instead of social/economicical factors on differing cultures and sub-cultures in modern America… and we can all wear flip-flops and dance around in drug induced stupors.
As of yet, I have never passed any type of frosty or hot beverage through my nose while reading your posts Frank.
However I realize it is only a matter of time as today was a close one….
A Sensitive War on Terror.
Frank J posted this great bit on “If Kerry Was Commander In Chief”. Cheney made fun of Kerry’s statement about fighting a “more sensitive war on terror.” Anyway, I was thinking, if Kerry is elected president, how could we conduct…