“Jeeves, why do I have to wear this atrocious color scheme?” Kerry asked his butler.
“It’s camouflage, sir,” the butler explained, “It’s so the geese don’t see you.”
“Ah. You know, walking around with guns reminds of when I served in Vietnam,” Kerry stated, “Did I tell you about I served in Vietnam, Jeeves?”
“I think you may have, sir.”
Kerry aimed his shotgun. “I think I see a goose.”
“That’s a hunter, sir.”
Kerry lowered his gun. “What do these gooses look like, Jeeves?”
“The ‘gooses’ are those birds flying overhead, sir.”
Kerry quickly aimed his gun and fired. “None of them fell down dead!” Kerry yelled, enraged. He then shook his fist at them. “Don’t you know who I am?!”
“Should I ready the pre-shot goose for you to carry back triumphantly?” Kerry’s butler asked.
“I’m tired; why don’t you carry it back Jeeves while I hold the shotgun over my shoulder like I saw in some picture.”
The butler sighed. “Certainly, sir.”
Rove emerged from the shadows. “The undecided voters are a problem,” he intoned, “They always break against the incumbent, as the ancient foretell.”
“Don’t worry,” Bush answered, “Like Kerry, we have a plan.”
“Studies show that undecided voters are morons who are distracted by shiny objects,” Condi explained, “So I came up with an idea with the help of Rumsfeld.”
“I just wanted to kill the undecided,” Rumsfeld grumbled.
“Anyway, we have made the Shiny Object Bomb which will be dropped in battleground states on Election Day,” Condi continued, “It will cover the states with so many bright shiny things that the undecideds will be too distracted to vote.”
“Ooh! Marbles and smooth rocks!” Bush exclaimed as he picked up some of the objects.
Cheney slapped his hands. “Keep focused!”
“There has been movement in the black vote towards us,” Rove proclaimed, “Polls show it has gone from 9 for Bush in 2004 to 18.”
“Percentage?” Bush asked.
“Voters,” Rove answered, “but any loss of the black vote could destroy the Democrats. Thus they are deploying the Dark Jester, Bill Clinton.”
“Yeah, blacks like him for some crazy reason I don’t understand,” Bush said. He then turned to Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao. “You’re black; why the hell do you like Clinton?”
“You’re retarded,” Chao answered and walked off.
“Crazy black people,” Bush muttered. “Hey, I think I read something in the New York Times saying I’m smarter than Kerry. Maybe we can do something with that.”
“We could have ad saying, ‘Why vote for the only man in America dumber than Bush?'” Condi suggested.
“Good idea!” Bush thought for a moment. “Wait a sec! I think that may be insulting to me in some way!”
“We need to do something, though,” Cheney said, “Right now Kerry is out shooting geese for a photo-op… and then Edwards is going to use the black magic of stem cells to revive them!”
“Then we need one last surprise before Election Day!” Bush declared, “The most surprising surprise of all. Something that will destroy and devastate Kerry! But, first, I get to play with the shiny things…”
TO BE CONTINUED…
FIRST! Now I have to go read it!
Is there a mirror ball on the shiny object bomb?
Maybe hanging from it, to dazzle the spectators “OOOh! look a mirror ball” then BOOM! The bomb explodes and millions of shiny thingies sparkle and shine as they drop towards the earth, distracting them for hours and hours.
i loved the percentage/voters part. 🙂
and hey, Dick Cheney exclaimed!
Correction: The only man dumber than Bush who is also running for office (and isn’t Ralph Nader).
Been reading your B. Kliban?
You know, that shiny thing might work – as one lady in my LEGO club was saying anybody but Bush, I tried to talk to her about why she liked Kerry. My sister and other obtuse relatives might go for the shiny things bomb.
Man I cannot wait for this campaign to be over, and at least 80-95% of my candidates win, including Gravitas and Gravitas senior, Mitch Daniels, Michael Reddy, and Chris Chocola.
I heard today that my work is going to shut down at 4:00PM so people can go vote. Since I don’t usually get out of work until 8:30PM or 9:00PM, I think I will go in the morning, and use the extra hour.
Definitely need to check out absentee voting next time around.
The “Dark Jester, Bill Clinton”. Hehe. That’s good. Is the final segment going to include George Bush telling Clinton “You’re NOT my father!!! Nooooo!”
Hey Frank, quit ripping me off!
Ooooh, Shiny. paw, paw
Good thing I’ve already voted. I get to play with shiny objects…
At least if Kerry wins the election we’ll have endless Jeeves stories to look forward too.
“Voters”
HA! too much
shudder Malak, PLEASE don’t even mention that. I am already haunted by dancing images of evil, animate friendship bracelets and other hippie accessories in my sleep, the LAST thing I need is a giant, talking bottle of ketchup haunting my dreams. Plus, we’d have to look at Theresea on a shudders uncontrollably, sucks thumb, reaches for doll of Lisa from Team America daily basis.
If Querry is elected I’m fleeing to Nicaragua and setting up a libertarian-yet-if-you-disagree-or-try-raise-taxes-up-from.1%-you-get-killed-in-the-night junta. Barring a slight semantic descrepancy, you can be libertarian yet dictatorial, right? Right? looks around, stamps foot, sings I’m so Ronry.