Since it looks like Mt. Saint Helens is going to erupt again, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about volcanoes. Here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES
* Volcanoes are like mountains… but with a gooey center!
* What a volcano kills most people with is its lava… or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano.
* Lava is molten rock. You have to heat rock pretty high to melt it. Like, my oven can get pretty hot, but I still couldn’t melt a rock… and I touched the rock that wasn’t melted as was like, “Ow!” That’s hot!
* Where lava comes from within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you’ll hit hot magma. And then China.
* If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies.
* Why is it so hot in the earth as to melt rock? I have no idea. Seems like someone must be doing something crazy down there. We better find out who… or what!
* Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can’t just drive away from the slowly moving magma.
* Those island volcanoes are bigger than they look because much of them is under water. If I were them, I’d go to Mount Everest and be like, “Bitch, you ain’t the tallest mountain! You just the tallest thing that don’t happen to be partially under water, foo’!”
* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.
* You can also use up a volcano’s lava supply by causing a bunch of volcanoes around it to go off. Ha!
* You could also try throwing some ice in it. Wouldn’t hurt.
* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.
* If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground.
* In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the results of the fight wouldn’t be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman’s remains are unearthed from the rock.
* If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it.
* Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge– unless it has railing.
* The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always asking for more money.
Frank run for your life! Mt. St. Helen’s is errupting now (3:15 pm EST) as we speak!
Don’t forget Jack Handey’s advice: if you drop your keys in lava, just leave them, because they’re gone, man.
no, no, go get some lava for one of those cool lamps.
Lava is supposed to be a really good soap. It may have something to do with having a temperature of about 1300 degrees.
crap i live with in 300 miles of it
IT’S GOING OFF! It hurts soooo much!
If lava is approaching remember to duck and cover.
No, you’re supposed to Stop, Drop and Roll (AWAY from the lava).
I’m a ‘tard. I think I want to be banned.
Tobias, You are cheap, crass and jealous. You might want to try slaying that green eyed monster you’ve got.
Another thing to note: volcanoes won’t move as long as you’re looking at them. When you turn away, they’ll try to creep up on you, like the ghosts in Super Mario Brothers.
Volcanoes are pimples on the face of this great earth…
Michael Moore is a boil on the buttocks of humanity…
Both spew crap out of them when they go off…
both are exceptionally large masses…
both are very destructive, and both can spew toxic gasses from within their cores…
the big difference is, a volcano can fry a chicken, but Michael Moore is FULL of fried chicken!
I can see the plum from my house.
I wonder if anyone has managed to blame this on bush as a distraction from the war…
“* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.”
Hillarious, Frank.
No. 2: Dr. Evil, your new layer is up and running.
Dr. Evil: Is it a hollowed out volcano like I asked?
No. 2: Of Course.
Man, one of the first movies I remember watching (Outside of Poltergeist when I was 4 or 5 – bad mistake!!!!!!!!) was the movie about Mt. Saint Helen’s erupting – what was that movie called? That also scared me.
Now movies just make me mad. most of them. I did enjoy Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow – the evil genius in that looked like a pre-botox version of Kerry.
I remember seeing the mushroom cloud from my front yard in ’80 when it blew up… aaaahhhh… good times. Why can’t we have some good old-fashioned natural disasters like that any more? Why does Florida get all the fun? It’s not fair.
”
It’d be really cool if hot flaming monkey demons started to stream from its Tartarean depths.
I love that heading. “Fun facts…” lol:)
Actually, Yellowstone still is a huge volcano – it just doesn’t happen to have a mountain with it. It tends to just explode in a monster explosion that shoots a few hundred cubic miles of glassy volcano gunk into the atmosphere, and parks a bunch of magma in orbit. Good news: it only does its thing every 600K years or so, causing ice-ages and other nastiness when it does. Bad news: its currently a few thousand years overdue…
I’m printing out your fun facts, and driving them to the observation area tomorrow! Living less than 100 miles from it, I’m just glad the wind was blowing Southwest! Eat that Portland.
Scott Sanburn, you blasphemer, the bad guy in Sky Captain was SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER! Apologize to the deceased RIGHT NOW for saying he looks like John Kerry!
And all the rest of you who haven’t seen Sky Captain yet – what the Hector Elizondo are you waiting for?! Support excellent movies!
Dough boy ,
I live in P-Town. You jerk! lol
Frankly I don’t give a damn what it does.
“* Those island volcanoes are bigger than they look because much of them is under water. If I were them, I’d go to Mount Everest and be like, “Bitch, you ain’t the tallest mountain! You just the tallest thing that don’t happen to be partially under water, foo’!””
This was the LOL line for me. 😀
Heh. Actually, Aquaman would be MORE useful in a volcanic eruption than anywhere else… the water would cool it down. Of course, he’d be boiled alive, but that’s simpler than his usual pummelling!
Aquaman: “I served in the Atlantic Ocean!”
John Kerry: “I served in Vietnam!”
Coincidence? Not in my book. Has anyone else noticed that we never heard of John Kerry until after the Superfriends dissolved and they all went looking for new careers and identities?
STupid commies?!? They sure now how to siphon the jobs and cash out of our country! We need to be careful, I think Red China and Wal Mart are in cahoots! Look out!
Fun facts about Mt. St. Helens-
My brother was born 10 years TO THE DAY after St. Helens erupted 5/18/80-5/18/90. (That is totally true.) Also, my twin cousins were born on the same day as my brother.
PS- As a former Portlander, I say “Screw all the commies in stumptown and let them eat ash!”
HA! You coward! I knew it! You and your shloggary are dripping with cowardice! Stand up like a man Francis Sans Mighty. This is WAR, where is your honor?!! Where is your backbone?!! Does your vagina hurt Sans Mighty? I have made you and your pathetic flunkies Quality Control’s bitches.
Preemptive strike on the volcano. Nuke the mountain!
Toby the Dingleberry-picker: you really need to give Frank J more material to work with, if you’re trying to get The Limey treatment…
Beo said:
“Scott Sanburn, you blasphemer, the bad guy in Sky Captain was SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER! Apologize to the deceased RIGHT NOW for saying he looks like John Kerry! ”
Well, I didn’t know, sorry you took offense, but that’s what it reminded me of.
Sheesh!
Frank:
Are there any virgins left to appease the volcano? With all the muslims exploding, I would think that we used up our supply for the next few thousand years and if there were any spare virgins around, I am sure that they are correcting things ASAP so as not to be provided to an exploded muslim (ewwwww!) or your local angry volcano god. That’s my therory, anyway.
I love MtST HElens it is so cool
You are a pig!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!