Man, I was so happy with our win, but then I found out that places like Democratic Underground are arguing that Bush stole the election once again. What? But what about all those votes? Well, Wikipedia even has a page up about how the election was stolen with charts and everything. Is something up? Well, I contacted my local wing of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy who patched me into the national arm of the VRWC. Then I got to talk to two people I shall refer to as Hacker1 and Hacker2. Here is the conversation:
Frank: So, did we steal the election this time?
Hacker1: Yeah, totally. We like rigged all the machines so there was no way we could lose.
Frank: Why didn’t you tell me we had it in the bag? I was like totally worried about this election!
Hacker2: Sorry, dude, but we were like told not to spread it around too much.
Hacker1: Yeah, we needed everyone to act like it was close and worrisome so no one would know we like totally hacked it. That Karl Rove is smart, dude; he knows how to run things.
Hacker2: Yeah, Rove is totally evil and totally cool.
Frank: So did you hack voting everywhere?
Hacker1: Yeah, otherwise it would look weird if we only improved in the battleground states.
Hacker2: Rove was completely in charge of all that. He even came in last minute and said, “Give them New Hampshire,” and we were like, “Whatever.”
Frank: So was it hard hacking the vote?
Hacker1: Sorta, but Diebold gave us easy to follow instructions.
Hacker2: We totally owned all the votes.
Hacker1: Totally.
Hacker2: It was funny to see the Democrats try and cheat the old-fashioned way. They can bring in all the dead people they want to vote, but we’ll just change their votes to Republican in the end.
Hacker1: (laughs) I bet you didn’t know this, but Michael Moore voted for Bush.
Hacker2: (laughs) He doesn’t know it either.
Frank: But aren’t people going to find out about this eventually?
Hacker1: Not if we’re careful, dude.
Hacker2: First off, we’re not going to hand out many landslides. It’s going to be a bunch of real close ones so we can say to the Democrats, “Oh, that was so close. You really should try again.”
Hacker1: (laughs) We’re going to drive them nuts.
Hacker2: Anyway, the VRWC will save money in the future as we cut back on commercials and campaign appearances, but Rove will make sure we don’t cut back so much that it looks suspicious.
Frank: Except to the Democratic Underground.
Hacker1: Yeah, there’s no fooling those guys. They’re on top of everything. Luckily, Rove had a plan for them too.
Hacker2: What he did was get all these mental patients – total schizos – and brainwash them about how evil the Republicans are. Then he gave them internet connections.
Hacker1: Now the schizos that Rove planted totally rule the Democratic Underground discussion forum. They’re the most prolific posters. Instead of getting anywhere on all the evil plans we have, they waste time blaming a Democrat event being rained out on Karl Rove.
Hacker2: Which is stupid because our weather machine is only 60% complete.
Frank: What about bloggers talking about voting malfeasance?
Hacker1: Dude, Rove totally owns the blogosphere. Most of the popular bloggers write only what Rove tells them.
Frank: Like who?
Hacker1: Well, Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs, half the people at the Volokh Conspiracy, and Scott Ott of Scrappleface.
Frank: I knew it!
Hacker2: The phrase “Axis of Weasels” was all Rove’s idea.
Frank: So he controls the bloggers to combat the left-wing blogs like the DailyKos?
(both hackers laugh)
Hacker1: Dude, Rove personally writes DailyKos.
Hacker2: Yeah, he wants to control what the left are whining about.
Frank: Whoa! That Rove is one sinister, evil dude!
Hacker2: Totally.
Frank: Hey, has Rove ever mentioned my site?
Hacker1: Uh… yeah, once. He asked me, “What’s this site ‘IMAO’?” And I told him, “Remember, it’s the one with the moon exploding.” And he said, “Oh yeah, it’s the stupid site about the angry dog.”
Frank: Cool! He knows my site! So, back to the main subject, what’s in the future of voting now that we own it?
Hacker1: We’ll only keep fixing elections for so long. Eventually we’ll dissolve the Democratic party and turn the U.S. into a one-party ruled dictatorship.
Hacker2: That’s Rove’s long-term plans.
Frank: Neato. Well, thanks for talking to me.
Hacker1: You’re not going to publish this, are you?
Frank: Uh… well… er… uh… no.
Hey Frank, techie In-My-Worlds are cool!
(top five?)
Ok Frank,
You got your Mojo back. You are over being sick. That one was top notch…
Priceless. I nearly lost bowel control over the “Rove writes Kos” bit.
Thank you Frank! Now I can go to work with a BIG smile on my face, and make everyone wonder what a single woman is doing this early in the a.m.
Good stuff, FrankJ.
That was great! How long before the moonbats see that and go, “see! I told you so!”
Frank still IS sick people, obviously this was written by KKKarl Rove to throw us all of the scent!!!
Jeeeeeeeeeeez, back to the Dem underground…
You crack me up, Frank. I loved this piece, among others, and your stick drawings are the best. My 7-yr. old daughter even drew her own scenario of Kerry losing using your stick drawing system…and she didn’t forget the space laser.
Kudos,
Gracie
I knew Kos couldn’t be that big a loon. This clears up ALOT.
Gracie,
🙂
now someone just needs to post a link to this on DU.. i would, but that place scares me =(
Be brave, amy! If you dont’t come back we’ll dedicate you an obituary or something. (Hiding the fact that I’m a greater coward than you are :))
I give it about ten days before one of my lefty friends sends this to me seriously as proof that all his delusions are true.
Frank,
That was, like, so way cool!
Please put Dude, wheres my vote? in Variety or somewhere that Hollywood will be forced to look at it.
Really…funny…shit…Must…breathe..
That is funnier than those drawings you do Frank.
Simply Amazing. Good work Frank :)!
Were their names Beavis and Butthead?
Maybe the funniest thing you ever wrote. I’ll send this to all my liberal friends, both of them.
I added a link from the Wikipedia to this page. Let’s see how long it lasts.
11/11/04, 9:22 PST.
ps. Thank you veterans! Thank you every day but especially today. And go Marines! Take Fallujah but be safe.
wow. 4 minutes for them to remove the link. “no sense of humor” 🙂
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/wiki.phtml?title=2004_U.S._Election_controversies_and_irregularities&action=history
I find it surprising (yes, and I even find THAT surprising) what the level of denial is amoung the Libs. Truely.
They think the Religious Right came out to stomp on their eternal quest for a totally pornographic and unsupervised life, full of total unaccountability, and that they’ll probably be forced somehow to only do it missionary style with members of the Opposite sex.. Too funny.
Well, if Kerry would have won, I’d have simply thought:
“Wow, I had no idea that there were that many freeloading and freeloader loving losers in the USA, who are also ignorant enough to beg for tax increases in a soft economic period, especially considering that there is proof such measures were directly responsible for the length and depth of the Great Depression, and that for God knows what reason are quite happy to have, or oblivious to, white trash in the White House again, not to mention the fact that while they insist on buying foreign products for virtually all of their day to day needs, that they somehow believe that they will also be able to work at a company manufacturing domestic goods with lower quality and higher prices, and that if they simply ignore terrorism, it will just go away, or at least they won’t know about it unless it shows up at Their shopping mall. How Interesting”
– Inhale.
Like, Dude, way funny! Right on! But I dunno…if all we members of the VRWC die from laughing–who’ll Hack for Karl (or his successor) next time around?!
Incoming orders from Karl Rove:
“Greetings, loyal followers, I, Karl Rove, command that you read Resistance is futile! Let the writing of Gullyborg be your beacon.”
Message ends.
Ann Coulter has a good column about “Left wing nutball-gate”
Whoa, even the puppy blender linked to this one, Frank!
Kenneth will know! Listen to Kenneth: “I owe my solitude to other people.” Bzzt! What’s the frequency? Brzzat! Gad, Kenneth, this is either a forgery or a damn clever original.
“Kenneth, it’s Dan calling. Do you read, Kenneth? Bzzt! Realism is a corruption of reality… out.”
Y’know, this stuff practically writes itself.
What’s so very funny about this “Hacker” Conspriacy. Is that those who might have the wherewithal and brains to either write programs. Or “Hack” into a supposed server, whose identity no one knows.
For ALL the touch pad machines in a state. Let alone an entire country. All reside on coastal “Blue” states!
But, Hey. The truth has never gotten in the way of a DU lunatic fringe Conspiracy!
Jack.
Hehe, very funny! Too bad you told those guys you wouldn’t publish it; now none of us will ever know how funny it is… 🙁
i knew it was all rigged – otherwise how do you explain my home state of Idaho being so red. they’re like, totally against conservatism-y-ness stuff there. damn hackers!
Hehe hilarious Frank. I swear if you posted something like this on DU they’d be on the case and you’d be their new King (for the day, until it didn’t pan out and someone else had another looney tale to tell).
These folks are so suspicious they turn on their own party and even each other at the drop of the hat. Reading that stuff on DU is like being on safari, studying them in their own habitat. Like…monkeys. Only not. Or watching Jerry Springer, funny in a morbid way, sickeningly amusing, you want to stop but just can’t seem to look away..must close it out fast like ripping a bandaid. Or maybe it’s just like what it is, reading the left’s looney conspiracy theories because it’s amusing.
Ahem…anywho…great post Frank!
I started watching this theory emerge almost immediately–within hours–of the Kerry defeat. I have come to conclude that it has to be the only way for these liberals to cope. They had so firmly pinned their hopes on Kerry that I really believe some of them would have completely lost it if they did not displace despair with the righteous indignation that a “stolen election” affords them.
Good summary above, JJ.
I voted for Kerry- actually, I voted against Bush- but I laughed out loud at this one. Pretty good humor from the right, which has usually been the dour, stone-faced wing of the spectrum. Keep it up!
Hey Frank…Jim passed out a compliment…before he passed out an insult….
Jim, my boy, you really should have a look at this. Liberals just aren’t any fun anymore, not with the rampant P.C. making it “intolerant” to have a sense of humour. But thank you for being one of those few who have pulled the sticks out of their bums.
Ditto…all of the previous comments. Hi Rush…talk to Rove lately?
That was a good post, thank you!
That was a good post, thank you!
Interesting… that’s good info to know.
Interesting… that’s good info to know.
Holy spam comments IMAO-man!