A while back I heard of this contest to write a situation comedy (i.e., sitcom) and be part of a reality show where it is produced. I got some advice on sitcom writing from Bill Whittle (go buy his book – post haste!) and had my drafts looked over by SarahK and RightWingDuck who offered proofreading and some suggestions. I spent hours cutting it down to the size of a half-hour sitcom and doing the proper formatting for a script and then mailed in what I thought was a hilarious entry.
I didn’t even receive a rejection letter.
Since it’s safe to say I didn’t win, I’ll put the script up here as I think it’s funny and there are a few in jokes for my readers. Basically, the story is about four twenty-something characters who become mercenaries in a post-apocalyptic future dominated by two warring factions – the Imperialist United Republic (IUR) and the United Republic of Imperialists (URI). My pitch was, “It’s like Friends… but with guns!”
Yeah, I tried to think of a normal office comedy, but it just wasn’t in me. Even tried the idea of a family comedy about ex-mobsters (“You know the wacky neighbors? I whacked them!”), but it didn’t come together.
Anyhoo, without further ado, here is Act I (it’s three acts as standard for a half-hour show) from the script to my pilot of Mercenaries – with all those hours of formatting undone so it fits as a blog post:

TEASER
INT. BUILDING
(GENERAL, COLONEL, DOUG)
A GENERAL AND COLONEL STAND IN THEIR COMMAND ROOM LOOKING AT COMPUTERS.
GENERAL
Why do the higher ups want us to try and take out this United Republic of Imperialists building! It makes no tactical sense!
COLONEL
Clearly idiotic, sir.
GENERAL
I can’t believe we, the mighty Imperialist United Republic, have to stoop to such absurdity. We need to at least make an attempt, though I don’t want to waste a good demolitions man on this foolishness.
DOUG WALKS UP TO THE TWO HOLDING A “DEMOLITION FOR DUMMIES” MANUAL.
DOUG
Hey, you guys look like you know stuff. I think I about have this demolitions thing down, but what does the “detonator” do?
GENERAL
(SMILES)Son, we have an important mission for you.
DOUG
Kick ass! My girlfriend is going to be so proud of me when she hears about this.
GENERAL
You can’t tell her about it; it’s secret.
DOUG
Oh, cool. Okay.
GENERAL
Now meet us in the briefing room.
THE GENERAL AND COLONEL LEAVE THE ROOM. DOUG THEN TAKES OUT A CELL PHONE.
DOUG
(INTO PHONE)Charlene, guess who has a secret mission to do! (BEAT)No– uh– I don’t think I can do that because of the battling and the– (BEAT)I might not even survive, you see, and– (BEAT)There might not even be a store on the way back and– (BEAT)Okay, what brand of tampons do you like again?
END TEASER
ACT ONE
SCENE A
EXT. BUILDING — DUSK
(DOUG, BRYCE, LULU)
DOUG IS IN FULL CONCENTRATION AS HE FIDDLES WITH SOME WIRE ON A CONTRAPTION ON THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING, MAKING QUICK GLANCES TO A MANUAL SITTING NEXT TO HIM. UNNOTICED, BRYCE WALKS UP BEHIND HIM.
BRYCE
What’s up, Doug?
DOUG
Don’t startle me like that, Bryce! I’m in the middle of a secret mission.
BRYCE
I know; you told me all about it. So what does the IUR have you doing?
DOUG
I’m a demolitions expert assigned to destroy this URI building.
DOUG GOES BACK TO WORKING ON HIS DEVICE AND LOOKING AT THE MANUAL.
BRYCE
The IUR must be pretty desperate then. I mean, your last job was a fry cook at Earl’s House of Chicken.
DOUG
Earl gave me a great referral letter.
BRYCE
But he fired you.
DOUG
Yes, for blowing up an oven– and that wasn’t even supposed to explode. Therefore, I must be great at exploding real explosives.
DOUG STARES AT THE MANUAL FOR A MOMENT.
DOUG
So many of these sentences end in “will cause the device to prematurely explode.” I’m never going to be able to keep track of all this.
LULU RUNS OVER TO JOIN THE TWO.
LULU
Hey guys!
DOUG
Quiet! I’m on a secret mission! How many people did you tell about this, Bryce?
LULU
Bryce didn’t tell me; you said where you were on your answering machine.
DOUG
Oh yeah.
LULU
(LOOKING AROUND)Wow! So this must be enemy territory. Do you think I could be shot? This is exciting!
DOUG STANDS UP AND HOLDS UP A SMALL REMOTE.
DOUG
Everyone back away; I think I’m ready to blow this.
LULU
What fun!
BRYCE
How far do we have to back away?
DOUG PRODUCES A SHEET OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET AND STARES AT IT.
DOUG
With the amount of explosives I used, we need to be 200 meters away.
BRYCE
What’s the range on the detonator?
DOUG LOOKS AT THE BACK OF THE DETONATOR
DOUG
100 meters– Aww, crap!
LULU
Maybe you could use a long piece of string.
BRYCE
You can’t push a button with a string. I guess you’ll have to choose between being a dead hero or an alive loser.
DOUG TOSSES AWAY THE DETONATOR.
DOUG
Alive loser. I’m sure going to get it from Charlene when she hears about this. I wonder why she even sticks with someone like me?
BRYCE
You’re easy to boss around; it’s a classic abusive relationship. I have a book on the subject if you want to read it.
DOUG
I don’t like reading.
BRYCE
And I had it my head you down a quantum physics textbook everyday.
LULU
I’m sorry you suck at your job again, Doug. I hope Bryce is doing better at his.
DOUG
You have a new job, Bryce?
BRYCE
I’m a mercenary, of course.
DOUG
So your cause is money then?
BRYCE
Well, what should dictate my actions? Ideology? Know who was ideological? Jesus, that’s who. And know what happened to him? He died penniless. I’m not going to let that happen to me.
DOUG
Knowing you, you’d sell your soul to the devil for a buck.
BRYCE
I might lease it to him with options to buy.
LULU
So, who hired you, Bryce?
BRYCE
The URI.
DOUG
You mean you’re working for the side that… uh… isn’t our side!
BRYCE
Isn’t your side. I’m neutral.
LULU
What did they hire you to do?
BRYCE
Guard this building; been a pretty hands off job so far.
DOUG
You mean this whole time…
BRYCE
Oh, and my further orders were to kill any IUR soldiers who come near this building.
BRYCE PULLS OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT AT DOUG.
BRYCE
Time to die, lackey of the Imperialist United Republic.
THERE IS A BEEP ON BRYCE’S WATCH. HE HOLSTERS HIS GUN.
BRYCE
My shift is over. Let’s get dinner.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. GUS’S DINER — LATER
(DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, CHARLENE, GUS)
DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, AND CHARLENE ALL SIT AT A BOOTH IN THE DINER. BRYCE AND LULU ARE ON ONE SIDE WHILE DOUG AND CHARLENE SIT TOGETHER.
CHARLENE
(TO DOUG)You’re a loser. Your mission was a total failure.
DOUG
Not a total failure; I got you the tampons you wanted.
CHARLENE SMACKS DOUG ACROSS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.
CHARLENE
I asked for military grade! Now I heard you got replaced with a highly trained monkey. What is that? The fifth time that’s happened?
BRYCE
Fourth. The monkey that replaced him in his packing job was only marginally trained.
DOUG
I hate monkeys.
CHARLENE
And I don’t want to hear anything more from you, Bryce. You worked for the enemy. I meet you on less neutral ground, you are a dead man.
BRYCE
Doug, your girlfriend is threatening to kill me. Put her in her place.
DOUG
So how was your day, snuggy wuckums?
CHARLENE
Lousy… because of all the border disputes, hostilities are pretty much ceasing until we all figure out which territories we occupy. It’s turning into a damn cold war.
BRYCE
I know; no one is getting shot! It’s horrible. Know what I blame? The internet. Made borders obsolete… or at least confusing. Now no one is sure which warmongering imperialist they’re sided with. I heard of this guy the other day who accidentally shot himself in the leg and got a medal from IUR for fighting the enemy and a purple heart from URI for being wounded in combat.
DOUG
I’m never that lucky.
CHARLENE
(SOBBING)I come from a long line of IUR Special Forces veterans, and all I ever wanted was to kill the enemy. Now, the way things are going, I’m probably just going to end up on guard duty checking people’s papers as they drive by. Even you could do that.
DOUG CRADLES CHARLENE.
DOUG
I’m sorry, cuddle bear. I’m sure hostilities will start up again.
LULU
She’s been like this all day. I tried taking her shopping to cheer her up.
CHARLENE
(SOBBING)I was looking at these great grips for my main sidearm that match my handbag… you know, the sort of thing a boyfriend would buy as a present if he were able to hold a job.
DOUG
I’ll get a good job, lovey snookums, and I’ll get you those gun paraphernalia you want… and I bet warring will start up all over again any day now.
GUS WALKS OVER TO THEIR TABLE AND PLACES THEIR MEALS IN FRONT OF THEM.
GUS
No more warring… I try to keep out of the sites of both sides, so the only thing I have to worry about is terrorist attacks.
LULU
Why would someone do a terrorist attack against you, Gus?
GUS
I dunno; terrorists are crazy. Maybe someone doesn’t like my prices. Hey, that’s capitalism… and the prices are federally mandated, so I can’t change them anyway.
BRYCE
If the prices are mandated, isn’t that Socialism?
GUS
What do I look like? An economics major? All I know is that if I think a customer is dissatisfied — such as not leaving me a tip — I blow him away with a shotgun so I can be sure he won’t come back and terrorize me.
CHARLENE
Aren’t you worried about the guy’s friends or family coming back for revenge?
GUS
And I could slip in the shower and die. You can’t just spend all day worrying about those little things. Now eat up.
GUS WALKS OFF.
LULU
Do you think Gus would blow me away with a shotgun if I mentioned that I ordered a salad and not a steak?
BRYCE
Personally, I wouldn’t risk it.
LULU
But I’m a vegetarian.
BRYCE
So was the cow. You share a common bond.
LULU
Poor cow. I haven’t exactly had a good day either. You know how the current IUR slogan is “Everyone has to do their part”? Well, my part was making the posters that say “Everyone has to do their part.” But now, since the war is dying down, they don’t need so many posters. So I was like, “Hey, what’s my part?” And they said, “Sorry, Lulu, we don’t have a part for you right now.” Now I’m partless.
DOUG
Just more of the harsh realities of living in an eternally warring, post-apocalyptic world.
BRYCE
“Post-apocalyptic” — that’s such a backwards looking phrase. Me, I’m always looking forward to the next apocalypse. Now what I see here are three people in need of work, and, quite serendipitously, I’m looking to hire. For some of the larger mercenary jobs, you need a team.
LULU
Oh, all of us working together as mercenaries! That could be fun!
CHARLENE
I am not becoming a mercenary. I fight for a cause.
BRYCE
What makes you so loyal to the Imperialist United Republic anyway?
CHARLENE
It’s the nation my parents fought for, and their parents before, and their parents before them.
BRYCE
And why did they fight for the IUR?
CHARLENE
Well, history gets hazy back then… but the point is that I have a sense of duty and honor, something you wouldn’t know about.
BRYCE
Bah! My only ruler now is the almighty dollar.
LULU
Actually, fighting for money does sound kind of evil.
BRYCE
It’s not evil; it’s amoral.
LULU
What’s the difference?
BRYCE
(THINKS ABOUT IT)Evil would be kicking a kitten across a room for fun. Amoral would be kicking the kitten because you were paid to… or it was in your way.
LULU
Let’s not take any jobs that involve kicking kittens.
BRYCE
So, Doug, you in? It will be just like when we were working that protection racket together as kids.
DOUG
(LAUGHS)I did get good at smashing lemonade stands.
BRYCE
And I need dumb muscle to stand beside me… and you’re already half that. A little working out, and you’ll be perfect.
LULU
Oh! What will be my job?
BRYCE
Seductress lethal assassin.
LULU
Uh… can’t I just do paper work?
BRYCE
I don’t like to leave a paper trail. Now all we need is someone competent. How about it, Charlene? I already have our name registered with the Mercenary Guild — The Hellbenders.
CHARLENE
Isn’t that a type of salamander?
BRYCE
A salamander with too sweet a name to keep it to its wrinkly self. So, you in?
CHARLENE
I’m not becoming a mercenary. You two can follow Bryce if you want to, but I’m not going to go collect your bodies after he gets you killed.
DOUG
Snuggle bottoms, come on. We could make a lot of money, and it’s not like I have any other job offers.
CHARLENE
I’m not fighting for money. Just do what you want, but don’t cross my path or it will be my duty to kill you.
BRYCE
If we drive by the post you’re guarding, will make sure to have our papers out and ready.
DOUG
So what kind of jobs are we going to take?
BRYCE
We’ll find out. Gus is my contact on that.
GUS WALKS BY THE TABLE.
GUS
Yeah, I meet all sorts here. I know all about the black markets, gray markets, and even a blue one. Plus, I have a list of jobs people need mercenaries for.
GUS TAKES OUT A PDA.
GUS
One’s for blowing up children’s playgrounds. Another is for assassinating some nuns. Oh, and this one is for ethnic cleansing.
LULU
Do you have any that aren’t overtly evil?
GUS
I got one for smuggling.
LULU
Let’s do that one! It’s just like being postal workers!
BRYCE
Except that, if anyone finds out about our package, we’ll have to kill them… and maybe those who hired us to cover our tracks.
LULU
Just like postal workers!
BRYCE
Gus, we’ll take the job. We’ll need some equipment, though.
GUS
I got just the guy to help you out.
BRYCE STANDS UP.
BRYCE
Then let’s get to work. Now, I’m going to pay for the lunch of all my new partners. Charlene, you’re on your own– don’t forget to tip.
FADE OUT
END ACT ONE