When Howard Dean got appointed chairman of the DNC, my first thought was, “Those fools! Frank J. would’ve made a MUCH better chair than Howard Dean.”
I can see you folks are skeptical.
But consider the following facts (in the extended entry):

* Dean was merely the Governor of a small, Northeastern state. Frank J. is Lord and Master of His Own World.
* Dean has no plan for dealing with the monkey menace.
* Dean is a dull-witted fop who only blogs while sober and NEVER double–posts.
* Frank doesn’t strangle kittens, although he does pee on them.
* Frank is funny on purpose.
* Unlike Dean, Frank has never woken up in a Tijuana whorehouse to find that his pants have been stolen.
* Except for that one time, but he was REALLY drunk.
* Although not drunk enough to double-post about it.
* Frank lives in Florida, which, in terms of square mileage, is a much larger phallic symbol than Vermont.
* Dean was knocked out of the Democratic primaries because of one little soundbite, but if you strike Frank J. down, he will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
* Howard Dean’s childish antics and petty hate-mongering will destroy what little credibility the Democratic Party has left. If Frank were in charge, he’d lead them into a bright new era of power and respectability, before slaughtering them all in a “Kill Bill”-style, katana-wielding orgy of blood and mayhem.
* And I really want to see Frank use the “Five point palm exploding heart technique” on Ted Kennedy.
* The mighty readership over which Frank holds sway is thoughtful, witty, well-educated and classy, whereas in Dean’s home state of Vermont, the phrase “mildly retarded” is considered flattery.
* Frank J. uses the Bible’s words to enlighten his readers and make them better people. When Howard Dean takes a page from the Bible, it’s because he ran out of toilet paper.
* Most importantly, Frank J. is a loving, devoted, family-oriented kind of guy, who would insist on taking SarahK everywhere he goes. The advantage here being that if Frank is giving a boring speech, you can just stare at SarahK’s rack while indulging yourself in Reddi-Wip-laced fantasies about…
[enter SarahK]
TEXAS GROIN KICK!
[exit SarahK]
…ow…
Everybody just ignore that final reason I gave.
I’m going to go lay down for a while.