I got some hate mail yesterday from one Brian who was unable to find the joke. I responded politely, and then he came back at me with this:
> LOL! What prompted this one? We’re you molested as a kid?
>
>
I guess it’s all the tough guy posturing with a gun. That coupled with your scrawny frame looks like a classic wimp complex. I could be wrong but, I doubt it.
>If anything at IMAO does not meet your standards, you can send it back for
>a full refund
Ok, you owe me seven minutes of dsl time.
Brian
Now we’re getting off topic. I tried a little harder to be helpful this time:
Thank you for your frankness, but I assure you I have an “efficiently compact” frame, and not a “scrawny” one. Anyway, not to sound homophobic, but this focus on my body by another guy is creeping me out a bit.
As for the gun posturing, it is natural to posture when one has guns. If it frightens you, I assure you that statistics show that one is more likely to be stuck by lightning than shot by me (of course, the probably of both of those rise significantly if you live in Florida).
As for owing you for seven minutes of DSL time, I assume you are kidding. The issue of finding the joke as was the focus of your previous e-mail must be of great concern to you to take the time to write me an e-mail. Of more concern is the value of my time, but I still don’t charge for responding to e-mails and always like to help one in need. I gather from these two e-mails that you are probably about eleven years old, not given much attention from your parents, and looking for a father figure (I could be wrong, but I doubt it). While I can’t be that father figure you desperately need, young Brian (understand, I have a busy schedule), I can help you find the joke you seek.
I must ask some questions to find where you went awry. Where did you look for the joke? We’re you of full cognitive facilities when you looked (i.e., not under the influence of drugs)? Most importantly, when you were looking for the joke, was your head inside or outside of your own ass?
I know you can find the joke, young Brian. Just keep reaching for that rainbow.
Cordially,
Frank J.
http://imao.us
He’s already answered with a much longer e-mail, really trying to get under my skin this time. It’s funnier when they try. We’ll try to see how long Brian can give us free amusement.
first!
I assure you I have an “efficiently compact” frame…
LOL.
Can Brian possibly aspire to be the new and improved Limey?
Time will tell.
By the way, my firstness appears to be in tact…
Wimps don’t have guns, because that shows the will to defend themself and wimps don’t have that will.
He’s obviously one of those crazy hippies that believe only criminals should have guns.
Hey Frank, what I am wondering is why you aren’t posting this guy’s email address so that ALL of your readers can reply directly to Mr. Neo-Limey himself. I’m sure after the first ten thousand emails he will learn who he should and shouldn’t trifile with on the blogodecahedron.
Let’s be easy with the Limey title. Not all dissenters should be awarded the covented “limey” title. It must be earned through hard work and lunacy while listening to alternative rock.
Wait I had a thought….oh there it is again. FrankJ on the next pod cast maybe we could here a debate between you and one of the muckadoos that sends you hatemail. Start off the conversation with “I’ll make you famous.”
If he’s already responded, why don’t we get to read it? I want to read what the poor fellow who couldn’t find the joke had to say about drug use!
“you owe me seven minutes of dsl time.”
Brian how slow are you?
7 minutes on this site and you couldn’t find the joke? Go see one of your special ed. teachers to help you find the joke.
If it’ll help boost your sense of self worth I’ll make you up a Gold Star for the effort.
Brian appears to have alot of time on his hands… But I’m sure once his porn download finishes he’ll have something entirely diffrent on his hands and will no longer be able to provide free entertainment or type for that matter.
“LOL! What prompted this one? We’re you molested as a kid?”
You see here Frank that’s the problem. When young Brian saw your comment he got all tingly south of the border thinking that he’d get molested. Tell Junior that you are flattered, but don’t swing that way. Let him know that there is always a chance he will be molested as long as Michael Jackson is out there.
Eric:
The point isn’t to scare him off; the point is to keep him wriggling on the hook, coming back for more and more self-humiliation, all the time thinking he’s proving some sort of point. It’s beautiful to watch Frank J out-troll the trolls.
Here’s the reply frank won’t post.. wonder why?
Sorry frank, but scrawny guys posing with guns for the camera is REALLY
gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.
Oh and speaking of wrong..
LOL, well, since Frank is engaged, and i’m assuming you are not since you have time to bother him with bullshit like this, whos sexuality is it thats in question?
Stop picking fights with people who could kill you with their bare hands.
I was saving it tomorrow along with my response (I need to pace my material). Don’t be so anxious, young Brian; I would not deprive the world of your wisdom.
Thanks for joining the conversation brian. We’ve been wanting to speak to you directly and only now do we have the ability to share some thoughts with you, albeit through a comment section and not through email since you neglected to add yours to the comment.
I would like to comment on your superior standards of comedy. I understand that IMAO is not Knock-Knock jokes but believe me when I say that there are intelectually superior people that do understand satire and political humor. If potty humor or slapstick are your forte and you fail to see the humor on this sight perhaps you can do a google search on “comedy for morons” and can see some guy getting hit in the balls by a golf ball or something. Good luck with your quest.
Riiigghhtt.. so tell me phatty, is this typical of the intellectual humor you speak of?-
when unholstering your weapon it’s customary to say “excuse me while I whip this out.”
I’m sure Jon Stewart’s shitting his pants.
brian,
Heh. That was from Doug… I think it’s ripped from Blazing Saddles.
Brian:
Thanks for providing more entertainment for us. Remember, the majority is always sane.
At least the limey gave us his address.
As far as getting reimbursed for seven minutes of your time, 7 X 0=0-(I’m being very generous with your pay rate) but look at all the right wingers you get to insult and who pay attention to your ramblings!! I would say that you owe Frank a lot more than he owes you.
Brianny,
Sure it is. Nothing is funnier then an obscure reference to a great comedic movie. As far as John Stewart, you are right he’s hilarious “Have you ever looked a dollar bill on weed?” comedic genious that guy. Continue your quest and never lose faith it will make sense one day and then you can enjoy the joke.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I need to stop this conversation – Theres a site where you can see people getting whacked in the balls? What’s the web address? I love intellectual humor.
Hi Brian. Sounds like you’re really getting pounded here. While I support FrankJ, I feel good sportsmanship is the essence of fair play. Therefore, I it’s important to point out two details that should assist you in not coming off like the limey you’re pretending to be.
1) Grammer: No one is going to take you seriously if you can’t write in a way that reflects your supposed superior intellect.
“>LOL! What prompted this one? We’re you molested as a kid?”
-There is no need for a contraction here. “Were” is a word all on its own.
“So the next time your mincing around some south
florida trailer park…”
-This is the proper place for a contraction. Properly written, it should be “So the next time YOU’RE mincing around…” The subject cannot own the verb the way you have the sentence structured.
2) Technically, FrankJ doesn’t owe you dsl time. You didn’t purchase it from IMAO, nor was it given to you by IMAO. FrankJ isn’t liable for your choice of internet usage (unless you really are 11 years old, and then your parents should be responsible enough to put filters on your computer to keep you from getting into trouble like this.)
Good luck with him, FrankJ. The rest of us are trying our best.
Please Brian, you can do better than this! You must! I haven’t laughed so hard in ages!
Cecilia,
Actually, that first error is from him quoting me. I always have trouble missing homophone errors in proofing. I’m homophonaphobic.
Umm.. karanadon, is it? That one was franks-
1) Grammer: No one is going to take you seriously if you can’t write in a way that reflects your supposed superior intellect.
“>LOL! What prompted this one? We’re you molested as a kid?”
-There is no need for a contraction here. “Were” is a word all on its own.
But I’m sure he appreciates the help.
He’s no Limey.
Please Brian, stick around and engage the honorable Frank J. in a battle of wits proving that you CAN be all that you can be. Listen to the Limey, which resonates deep inside of you, this shall be your light to help you find your way!
Besides, I’m so stressed out from “intellectual” debate with liberals that’s funny but really isn’t supposed to be funny that I need some humor to cheer me up and you, our new and wiggly little pet, could be very appreciated in this respect.
Do you have what it takes Brian?!
–Yell YES! YES I DO! with total abandon)
Or maybe just nod if that makes you more comfortable n all.
And he just took credit for it, Brian my good man, before you could point it out.
I believe the refund you are entitled to is however much you paid FrankJ to read his stuff, which, as it turns out, is nothing. If you didn’t pay him anything, he can’t very well refund it to you.
Frankly, there are what, 4,000 people that check this site every day because they like, and actually get, his jokes. How many people listen to what you say? After the incidents here, I’m wagering more people are laughing at you than listening to you.
I’d be interested in knowing what sites you do find amusing.
Also, in the future, you can act like the big man in an arena where everybody else is 100% against you, but it won’t do you any good. We’re all on FrankJ’s side here, and your pitiful attempts to debate him are laughable. Go ridicule him on Daily Kos or something, where people might care.
Sincerely,
Patriot Xeno
Frank,
If the quality of hate mail suffers again feel free to drop me a line and I’ll see if I can fill in. I don’t really hate you but I imagine I might be able to muster up some sort of indignation at something or other. Worse case I can just cut’n’paste a DU thread and replace “Bush” with “Frank”.
Anyhow, if verbally abusing you in writing is needed I’m willing to take one for the team….
Way to be a team player, Faith.
I’m wondering…
Timing.
Is Brian perhaps an alias for the arrogant “Dr.” Ken from the I Can Buy a LOT of Gas for Five Grand comment section?
I see a lot of similarities in weenieness and whinyness between these two.
Just asking.
BTW – Thank you for your dedication, Faith.
Well said, Patriot Xeno (both spots!).
Jimmyb, thanks for making go back and read the several rants between you and dr. kenny. From now on I will be Known as Dr. Phat Tony because it makes me sound more smarter than I am and people will respect what I say. Don’t mind the fact that I wouldn’t let myself be indoctrinated for the amount of time it would take to get the degree.
I guess Brian’s mom finally kicked him off the computer and told him to go play outside.
Yawn. Brian is like the snooze button of hate mail. He is not funny and he fails to infuriate me.
But keep it up, Frank! I still love reading the funny when I’m in town.
:::walking away with my head down:::
I was expecting so much better from a member of today’s youth.
(Also, ringing in as 1 of the 4000!)
I’ve seen your pic Frank, and as long as the lovely Sarah keeps smiling, I think Brian should keep his opinions to himself. Why do these left wing ranters always try to make homosexual jokes. And I love the silly recant “not that there is anything wrong with that…” Of course he thinks there’s something wrong with that, else why bring it up?
“Actually statistics show that it’s much more likely you’ll wind up
shooting either yourself or whoever is foolish enough to be standing
around you (most likely the sucker behind the lens.) than getting
zapped by lightning.”
Frank has not shot anyone. Therefore, if anyone has ever been struck by lightning, that makes it statistically more likely to happen than being shot by Frank.
Also, you need to add a comma after “actually,” take the period out of the parentheses, and change the subject so that the sentence does not refer to Frank (as opposed to any given person, as Frank originally stated) being struck by lightning.
Have fun in language arts tomorrow.
I too believe in sportsmanship, and, being one of today’s youth (18), I should mention that from what I’ve read of young Brian’s notes I cannot find enough evidence to prove that he is, in fact, a left-winger. All I’ve seen in that he “doesn’t get it.”
I can tell you from experience that many of today’s kids do not have much of (if any) interest in nor knowledge of politics and the figures involved therein.
So I guess this is just an open question to Brian: How do you orient yourself…
… Politically, that is.
“By the way, my firstness appears to be in tact…
Posted by jimmyb at June 8, 2005 11:17 AM”
It’s not a long stretch to imagine that your virginity is also intact no???
-Parody of Triumph from last weeks Carnival of Comedy wherein I am Triumph and jimmyb is the UberDork of FrankJ’s comment boxes (refreshing the page all day just so he can post “first” definitely qualifies him…)
Hate mail is better when they try to act intellectual, and instead come across as dilettantes. I hope Brian tries that approach next.
JMK, You crack me up!!
Adam-
“I can tell you from experience that many of today’s kids do not have much of (if any) interest in nor knowledge of politics and the figures involved therein.”
Actually, Adam, they DO exist. Most (if not all) are h-schoolers and right-wingers though. Are you one of us? lol
Aye, that I be. How old are you, Nikole?
Don’t tell me highschoolers are trying to hook up on the comment section of IMAO. Frank, look what you’ve done; now IMAO is in the business of bringing people together. That’s just peachy.
Okay, first of all: I’m just curious.
Second: I’ve already graduated last month so I’m not technically a high-schooler anymore.
Adam- I knew it! I’m 15, nice to meet ya. Want to trade CAT/SAT scores and vast right-wing takeover schemes so top secret that they must be written in languages that liberals can’t understand, like English? heh
Mr. (or should I say Dr.) Phat Tony- Just you don’t worry your pretty little head about these things. I haven’t been a “high schooler” (h-schooler means homeschooler btw)since age 11. Which means I’m more smarter and YOU should listen to ME. LOL
Oh, er, not a home schooled kid, actually. I’ve just been lucky enough to 1) go to some of the best government schools in the country, 2) make the most of the resources in those facilities, 3) did lots of extra study on subjects of interest, 4) took mostly advanced classes, and 5) I’m just pretty dang sharp.
Um, I’m 18 and just gradgiated. Got a 29 on the ACT (that’s the standardized test for my region) and also got a $40,000 scholarship to one of the local private colleges, where I’ll attend next semester.
We are teh future. Ph34r us.
Oooo pretty ACT score…scholarship…yee-haw! Congrats on that.
Doing the distance learning I always took the CAT. Yeh lame, I know, but still, last known grade equivalent was 13.6 or 97th percentile. Go me! 😉 Distance learning at PHC now, then off to PHC in Purcellville, VA. Most ultimate yee-haw-ness.
Yes, B3 4Phr41D. B3 \/3rY 4Phr41D.
\/\/3 4r3 YoUr PhU+Ur3.
(I scared me a little there. lol)