(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.
Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.
I checked it out – $50 per month per terrorist. That’s some sweet cash!
So I figured I’d make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, “Harv’s House O’ Happy Hebrew-Haters”. All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I’d make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I’d had my eye on.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, but – as you can tell from the security tape excerpts in the extended entry – it… could’ve gone better…
HARV: Good morning HHHHH’ers! I’ll turn on some screechy, atonal, ethnic music to help soothe your savage homicidal tendencies.
ABDUL: AIEEEEE! Stop torturing me with that horrible noise!
HARV: (muttering) Crap! There’s the “T” word! I’ll never get my PSP if word of this gets out! (normal voice) But it’s “Mecca and the Mohammeds!” It’s got all those twangy sitars and people going “ULULULULULU!” that you jihadis like so much.
ABDUL: You KNOW what I want to hear…
HARV: But…
ABDUL: SING, infidel!
HARV [in best Britney voice]: Oops!…I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!…You think I’m in love
That I’m sent from above
I’m not that innocent…
HARV: In order to obtain your “Civilized Human Being” certification, you have to complete several excercises. The first is to write “I will not blow people up” 1000 times on this chalkboard.
JAMAL: 100 times.
HARV: 500.
JAMAL: 50.
HARV: You’re supposed to go UP, not DOWN, you idiot!
JAMAL: You called me a name! I’m telling Amnesty International!
HARV: Fine. 50. Here’s your chalk.
JAMAL: TORTURE!
HARV: NOW what?
JAMAL: Chalk dust is a carcinogen, just like second-hand smoke!
HARV: Chalk dust is completely harmless!
JAMAL: You’re a torturer! AND a tool of Big Chalk!
HARV: Have you been watching Truth.com commercials again?
HARV: Ok, Khalid, here’s your drink…
KHALID: TORTURE!
HARV: But it’s Mecca Cola! The kind with real camel pee!
KHALID: There’s no ice.
HARV: There! Two cubes.
KHALID: TORTURE!
HARV: For God’s sake! NOW what?
KHALID: Too much ice. It’ll get watery. Oh, and you took the Lord’s name in vain. Put my drink in a Betty Boop Freezer Mug or I’ll tell SarahK on you!
At this point I snapped and beat them all bloody with my Louisville Slugger.
I have to go to a Siberian Gulag for sensitivity training next week, but at least I found out where Osama’s hiding. Figure I can trade the information for a PSP.
mmmm… porta-porn…
first/???????
Awesome Harvey.
“Harv’s House O’ Happy Hebrew-Haters” I love it! I now have a menta picture of some bin laden lookalike dancing and singing “oops I did it again”!.
Oh, and is Mecca Cola for real or is it just a ver shrewd gag?
That’s definitely the way things ought to be.
“At this point I snapped and beat them all bloody with my Louisville Slugger. ”
LOL! That was great, Harvey!
“HARV [in best Britney voice]: Oops!…I did it again”
Can we get the MP3?? (jk)
LOL! Excellent, Harvey!
I fully expect to here the complete redition of Oops, by Harvey, in next Mondays podcast.
YOU SING NOW! NOW!
Very funny Harvey.
Does Mecca cola have the blood of infidels, as well as camel pee, in it?
Viva la cockarocha!
“Has anyone seen Mohammed? Mohammed! Are you in there? No, not that Mohammed… no… not that one either. No, not him. Not him… no, not anyone of those… Hey! You! Yes! The prisoner with a towel on his noggin! What is that you are hiding under your robe! That is not Mohammed, is it? Out with it! Aieeee! Son of a Camel!!! – THAT is certainly NOT Mohammed! Cover yourself before the infidel pigs force you to bark like a dog and wear women’s panties on your head like some drunken American fraternity/sorority party! Guard! Can you show me another 3′ x 5′ cell jam packed with detainees named Mohammed, please?…….. Have you seen Mohammed? No?…”
I second jimmyb — there must be singing in the next podcast!
Ooops, myself.
I meant hear, not here.
Stupid homophones.
Ooops! Is it a hate crime to call homophones stupid?
Dang! Would someone get me a rule book?!?!?!
SING, infidel!
Heh, that would make a nice podcast entry. “Harvey sings Britney”
Fine.
Get me an MP3 (I don’t know the tune or Britney’s voice very well) and MAYBE we can work it in somehow.
No promises
Hey, you got that idea from Saturday Night Live. Bill Murray and Jane Curtain housed criminals to make extra cash. It was pretty funny.
Until the house burned down. Watch out for pyro-terrorists.
Hahahahha! Really, really good. Can that be a part of the next pod cast??