Where Are the Trolls of Yesteryear?

Who hear misses The Limey? For those who missed that famous pen pal friendship, here’s a link to the final episode that has links to the previous episodes (they need to be read in order for full effect). I have to admit, I do scan the comments of the trolls we get today in hopes there is a Rage Against the Machine reference, but there won’t be another like The Limey. Also, I’ve came to the conclusion a while ago that stringing trolls on for public humiliation is just a little too mean for me.
Still, if you want to engage trolls, I have some advice. Now, I’m no troll expert – IMAO doesn’t get as many trolls as the serious political sites – but I think I have some experience to impart. Anyway, here’s the main rule:
NEVER TRY TO ENGAGE A TROLL DIRECTLY.
Trying to debate a troll is a big a waste of time as the troll’s postings themselves. These people are out to vent and get attention – that’s all. It doesn’t matter how dumb a pronouncement one makes – he could say 2+2=5 – they are completely immune to reason. You cannot debate a troll. You cannot educate a troll by playing on his terms. Trying to refute his points is an exercise in futility. Someone who goes around looking for sites to stir up attention is not someone in a healthy state of mind looking for an intelligent discussion. What trolling is is a verbal tantrum, and you can’t reason with a screaming child who has no reason in the first place. This brings us to our second rule.
DON’T GET ANGRY.
If you actually got angry from something a troll writes, step back. Do not respond. What is there to get angry about? It’s just a few words and the person saying them has no influence over anything. That a person is drawn to troll is funny in itself; what the person says about any particular topic is beside the point. You have to accept the troll will not understand how silly he is, and just be able to laugh at him while he flails around trying to anger you. If you don’t detach yourself and think of the troll like a rational person, you can get frustrated and angry. This gives him what he wants and lets the troll set the terms. Crazy people should not be in charge.
So what can you do? Ignoring is the highest form of dominance, but a whole post about ignoring trolls would be boring. Anyway, here is what I find you can do, but it’s for entertainment purposes only. Maybe, with practice, these skills can be used to actually train trolls away from trollery, but if you just set your goal to confuse and bewilder the troll, you’ll be less likely to get frustrated.
Anyway, remember the two rules: you’re not angry and you’re not taking the troll head on. So what are you doing? You redirect. The Dog Whisperer does this all the time with aggressive dogs. They bark and snap their teeth, and yelling back would only make it worse. Instead, he taps them in the neck with two fingers and yells, “Tsst!” The dog then calms down and looks at the Dog Whisperer with confusion. This is basically what you do with a troll. The troll is hoping you’ll come back as angry as he is head on, but instead come in calmly from the side. There are numerous ways to do this, but here’s an example from one of the first hate mails I posted publicly:
Dopegirl (laguage warning; my language standards have changed over time)
It’s not the prefect example, but I take the troll seriously and then play with what that means in a calm fashion. Now look at the response:
Dopegirl Response (language warning)
Much calmer, and that’s all I think one should hope to achieve with a troll. That’s what made the Limey special; he never got the joke and would come back just as crazy no matter what.
“There’s no Fascist McFascist!”
He still makes me smile.

49 Comments

  1. ” What kind of elitist bullshit is this? Just because protestors are against a war in Iraq does not mean they’re “hippies” or “pacifists”. You’re simply echoing the assumptions of the mainstream media. Many of these anti-war protestors are willing to get rid of greedy capitalist motherf***ers “by any means neccessary”. Sorry dopegirl, they are hippy pacifist fags (not that there is anything wrong with taht)who must be punched in the mouth. Sorry, but that is the democratic way.

  2. Someone educate me. I am confused. Is the term dope good or bad these days. I realize that real dope as in drugs is bad, but is this dope a good thing or a bad thing.
    Seriously Frank, maturity is a concept that is woefully lacking in most aspects of life today. It is so much easier to get offended, upset, furious, and dare I day crazed. I wonder if that is because people don’t really have as much confidence in their beliefs as they say they do and that inferiority makes they testy.
    Besides if one refuses to rise to the bait set out by people who are set on an argument, that really frustrates them. As does being kind, gentle and sweet, they begin to wonder what one is up to. I personally love this tactic.
    I also enjoy the teaching posture. I pretend that these folks are children who need to be educated, that frost them. After 26 years as a parent this kind of comes naturally. (I try to stem this, as it can be kind of irritating) but in the situations you’ve described it can be highly entertaining.
    After all isn’t that what we’re all after, a little chortle in our hum drum lives.

  3. Imperialist swine! How dare you mock the very pillars of proletariat civilization? Capitalist Americanski! Trolls are downtrodden and misunderstood by your elitest capitalist bourgeoisie merely because they are hirsute and live under bridges! Democratic dogs! You insult my homelands beautiful women with such words! Not since the 1996 Olympic Games, when Olga Mustachantesticlesanschwartzenstucher, in addition to winning the Gold Medal in Bludgeoning and Maiming was also crowned Ms. EasternBloc Pin-Up Model. Ha! Eat cold, green envy Americanski infidels. We will celebrate our troll women and they will keep us warm in thier hirsute splendor.

  4. I’ve been busy aquiring wealth for the last 30 years but back when I was a long-haired smelly hippy, Dope was a good thing. What happened? Kidding of course! Hippies today REALLY do need serious punching but alas that would actually be like kicking a poor dumb animal. They simply don’t know any better. How could they? They watch CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN and they go to Daily Kos for their daily briefings to get their talking points…since non of them have ever had an orig. idea of their own…(No Blood for Oil, Halliburtan, Bush is Stupid, Cheney is Evil, Blah…Blah…Blah…)

  5. Trolls can be lots of fun, if you have the time and don’t loose your cool.
    I’m a little surprised you don’t get more trolls over here. Do you regularly filter most of it out? Monkey Faced Liberal was a lot of fun and Limey’s stuff is pretty funny.
    One of the best places for political trolls is the comment section in the Iraqi blogs, ‘Healing Iraq’ and ‘Iraq The Model’ in particular. ‘An Italian’ over in the Healing Iraq comment section is hilarious. The only problem is that you need to pick up the tread a few months back to get all the inside jokes. He’s not bad at hurling the insults back at you either. Just wind him up and watch him go. I got about 3,000 words out of him a while back.
    Than there are the leftist regulars on ‘Iraq the Model’, Ash, Lee C, SOD, and Scott from Oregon. I dubbed them the “Four Horse Bladders of the Ablogalypse”.
    Any of you run into Ghandi. I had a lot of fun with him a few years back. I am talking about the same Ghandi that was trolling Powerline, Buzzmachine, and ITM. He went and complained to Sarah Boxer at the ‘New York Times’ about all the abuse he got. Whining little troll’s even got his own website.

  6. While we are on the subject of trolls.
    Here’s an old favorite from the past, an insult I laid on Ghandi a few years back.
    “Satirical Whimsy For Today – A new term.
    GANDHIMITE – Virulently Sanctimonious Utopian ‘Peace Lovin’ Appeasenick. Follower of the pacifist teachings of Mahatma Ghandi, ‘Sort Of’. Versed in the teachings of non-violent self hatred, abrasive identity politics, and steadfast resistance to reality. Typically, has never read a history or politics book in his life, even if it was assigned to him. Advanced Gandhimites are known on rare occasion to even actually quote Gandhi and have seen the movie. Typical gandhimites haven’t gotten around to any of that yet. Becoming a Gandhimite is obligatory for most university undergraduates. Undergraduate dropout Gandhimites, are known as “Goddamn worthless loser hippies” and retain their sophomoric idealism for life. Gandhimites can be found gathering at the local trendy bar bitching about ‘The System” and the ever mysterious “Capitalist Worldwide Conspiracy”. Finding a gondhimite is as easy as listening for continuous John Lennon songs played ad-nausium. Chances are the gondhimite owns a guitar, but can’t play the damn thing. Any group of more than 12 Gandhimites getting stoned is considered a political movement. Plans to get together for a protest attack on the local Starbucks, in the name of anarchy and worldwide brotherhood. Gandhimites tend to quickly become jaded and cynical as reality sinks in, or they have to seek employment. They are susceptible to a form of dementia called ‘Raving Loony Moonbat Psychosis’. Ambitious Gandhimites go to journalism school so that they can inform people on “Everything In The World That Is Worth Knowing”. Emphasis on “Worth Knowing”. Wink!!! Learned Gandhimites can advance to become one of the “Keepers of Political Correctness, Social Justice, and all that is Progressive and for the Cultural Good” and spend forever publishing papers that no one will ever read, while endlessly trying to get tenure. That’s if they ever finished writing their thesis paper.
    Finally, the single greatest gesture of sacrifice for a Gandhimite is to become a human shield to protect some totalitarian regime from ‘Yankee Imperialist Bombs’.
    This is today’s demented brain storming session by the conservative cave man himself. You have permission to reproduce in any form you please. I just don’t want to hear about it.”
    I’m not sure if that qualifies as a thermonuclear insult, but Ghandi did leave the ITM boards shortly after.

  7. FrankJ:
    Congrats! It looks like my efforts to educate you regarding humor have finally had some effect! This post was quite funny!
    You write today about how you “scan the comments of the trolls we get today” and “laugh at him [the troll] while he flails around trying to anger you” and that “Ignoring is the highest form of dominance”.
    All these comments would seem to suggest that you don’t really care about “trolls” who have negative comments.
    And yet you place them all in a 650+ word post on trolls, in which you describe how to deal with trolls and brag about how you have taken down trolls in the past!
    And all this follows up on your “Comment on Comments” post from two weeks ago where you ask other readers to “police the comments”!
    So, in attempting to show that so-called “trolls” don’t affect you, you yourself prove that they do affect you.
    And after saying that you shouldn’t give “trolls” any attention, you give them exactly the attention you say they crave!
    Some humorists might not have the guts to make fun of themselves in this way FrankJ.
    They would think that people would not appreciate the subtle self-deprecating humor of the post.
    But YOU realize that no one would really believe that you are SO DELUDED as to seriously think someone who
    -Asks people to “police the comments”
    -Writes a long rant about how trolls don’t really matter to them, and how to deal with trolls
    -Brags about how they have taken down some crazy socialist trolls in the past
    really does not care about trolls’ comments, when in fact these actions actually prove THE OPPOSITE is true!
    What brilliant comic irony! Aristophanes himself would be proud.
    And to think I was about to give up hope and quit trying to help you be funnier.
    Clearly you do have some potential FrankJ. And I must redouble my efforts to help you reach that potential. As a liberal I might believe in love, but it is tough love when necessary.
    It might not be easy, and it might be ugly, but together we can do it FrankJ!
    Again — well done!
    Peace,
    Monkey Faced Liberal

  8. Master Shake,
    “Hmmm, removing a troll’s stomach with a wrench. I like the sound of that.”
    Wouldn’t that just be a lesser variation on Hanging, Drawing & Quartering?
    Go look it up at Wikipedia if you don’t know what it is.
    A liberal always looks good with his head on a pike.

  9. Just when I think I’ve heard it all someone proves me wrong. It’s seriously a good thing this is not one of my I HATE PEOPLE AS A SPECIES days because MFL you would be my poster-child.
    Is logic, truth and fact such a foreign concept to you? The most offensive thing is that you really think you’re right and anyone who doesn’t see things your way is an idiot. And libs call conservatives, arrogant, hypocritical and delusional. I guess it takes one to know one.
    My mama always said ” It’s the things you don’t like about yourself that bother you the most in others” She also taught me that all men and women are hypocritical. The secret is that those interested in truth and fact acknowledge this fact, and try to guard against it, instead of using the mantra “I wasn’t me, I didn’t do it, I didn’t say it, I’m always right, perfect, funny, compassionate, and you’re not.
    All I can say is WHAAAAAAAAAAA!

  10. Well put, Frank. And just as I was about to write to Frank Answers for some advice on how to engage this new breed of troll. They’re all the same, though . . . impervious to reason, unwilling to even attempt to discuss another point of view, and always using personal attacks.
    My last troll engagement gave me an epiphany. I had never been able to put my finger on it, but the differences between reps and dems are so clear now. Republicans are creators, while democrats are destroyers. Reps build up, they strike down. We give, they take. Proud of success through hard work and perseverence versus get the rich guy for all he’s got. And, most evident in this type of communication, we are into creating order, they are into making chaos.

  11. seanmahair:
    I am a bit confused. Why are you so upset with me?
    I just complimented FrankJ on a very funny post, yet you say that “logic, truth and fact” are foreign concepts to me.
    Can you specifically address the issues you have with what I wrote?
    Peace,
    Monkey Faced Liberal
    PS. You have “Hate People As A Species” Days? That sounds horrible.
    You might want to think about seeking some professional help. It doesn’t seem your faith is currently doing much good in terms of helping you deal with reality.
    Or perhaps you should try a new faith. For instance, those Falun Gong people seem pretty chill with people as a species as far as I can tell.
    After all, if Christ was not the savior of mankind, but just a hippie rabbi with a rag-tag following who pissed off the wrong people 2000 years ago, I could see how faith in him might not exactly help you in this world (or the next, for that matter) and lead you to hate people.
    Just some friendly suggestions from an Homo Sapiens loving Agnostic Monkey Faced Liberal!

  12. Me love me.
    Me not love Frank J.
    Me perfect.
    Frank J. not perfect.
    You cry now Frank J.
    Me say “Aristophanes” so Frank J. know me have good liberal arts education and work at Qwicky Mart. Dumb engineer Frank J.
    You give me attention now or me say you dumb!
    You say me right or me turn off sun!

  13. Dear Frank.
    I have been reading your blog sporadically for the last couple of months. It is moderately well written, especially for a part time writer such as yourself. I am sure with a lot more practice and some good tutelage, you could be someone who was worth linking to on a more or less permanent basis.
    However, your major weakness is your grammar. Ordinarily, I would let it go, as many a person who did not have the opportunity or inclination to apply himself or herself in high school still manages to be passably good citizens. Never let it be said that I look down upon a person merely because they lack a higher education from a fine liberal arts university. After all, you do seem to have a “gift of the gab”, to use the parlance of our times, and I am sure you are doing quite well with it, having probably honed your verbal repartee in the field of sales, or something to that effect.
    However, a sale is primarily verbal, and your weakness is in writing. In particular, you have a great deal of difficulty with homophones (n. One of two or more words, such as night and knight, that are pronounced the same but differ in meaning, origin, and sometimes spelling). This is to be expected from someone such as yourself who is less than formally trained in the linguistic field.
    For example, you very frequently make gaffs such as confusing “they’re” with “there” and “their.” Other examples include confusing “its” with “it’s”, “to” with “too” and “your” with “you’re.” These are quite common mistakes for those who are less familiar with the art of the written word. I am sure that in the fullness of time, you will slowly start to mature and develop as writer, once you start to do this on a more regular basis.
    Unfortunately, you made the same type of error again with this post. You wrote, “Who hear (sic) misses The Limey?” What you don’t understand is that “hear” has a different meaning from “here”, even thought they both sound identical. The correct way to write this is “Who here misses The Limey?” That is the tricky part about homophones. They sound the same, but have very different meanings.
    Now ordinarily, I wouldn’t correct a person such as yourself for these sorts of mistakes in public. I would hope that eventually the individual would learn, and take it upon himself or herself to improve their craft. Unfortunately, that has not happened in your case, and I think it is really holding you back as a writer.
    You may feel like I am being “unfair” or “mean” by doing this. However, I have often times found that being corrected quickly and firmly is the best teaching method. Or, as an adult might tell a child, “stop acting like a four year old and I’ll stop treating you like a four year.” Frank, if it feels like I am being cruel with you, I am only being cruel to be kind.
    I am sure that you will take this in the spirit it was intended, and apply yourself now a little more to the important task of actually proof reading your material before you post.
    Good luck with your future endeavors.
    Alexander S. Stanton
    M.F.A.

  14. First we have an MFL. Now we have a homophonophobic MFA. What’s the world coming to?
    (Or should that be: “To what is the world coming?” I wouldn’t want to be corrected by an Arts major – tee hee, guffaw!)

  15. I don’t know Frank.
    I think you may have just passed up on free editorial services from Mr. Stanton. Sure, you might have to trade your spontaneity for pedantic drivel, but there are always trade off’s. Of course Mr. Stanton would have to put up with incessant bullshit, and unrelenting stupidity. I figure if he has stuck around to read this blog long enough, he has figured out that those qualities can actually pass as virtues in many circles.
    Ah, this writing thing is a lifelong frustration. I envy those who take to it easily. I’m afraid for many of us, communication is a hopeless struggle. So many ideas, so little writing ability. With effort, I’ve gone all from non-communication all the way up to annoying ankle biting. Old friends and family much prefer it back when I shut up. A cynic might say that inability to communicate is a blessing for most people. It reduces the number of stupid ideas in circulation and saves many people from being even more annoying. Maybe this whole blog thing is totally wrong. Perhaps the world would be a much better place is many of us would only learn to shut up. What most people want from other people is service not lip. Get the job done and shut the f*ck up.

  16. FrankJ,
    Communication is, and always has been about expressing thoughts and feelings as simply and concisely as possible- in my humble opinion anyway. I’ve been reading your blog consistantly for the past few months now and i must say that not once have I had trouble understanding the message you were trying to convey in your posts. So keep up the good work.

  17. Typos often appear in writing where the writer never learned formal typing, since we tend to get ahead of our fingers. As an engineer, I learned by keyboarding. It is simply taking time (that we all heve too little of) to proofread, as I am too guilty of. Actually, I find it endearing.

  18. I find the following rather humorous from the person correcting FrankJ…
    “many a person who did not have the opportunity or inclination to apply himself or herself in high school still manages to be passably good citizens”
    -Should be “a passably good citizen.” The “or” denotes singularity of the subject.
    ” you very frequently make gaffs such as confusing”
    -Gaffe is the word he was should have used.
    “Or, as an adult might tell a child, “stop acting like a four year old and I’ll stop treating you like a four year.”
    -The proper way to quote is to capitalize the first word of the quote. In addition, hyphenation is used when spelling out age. i.e. “Stop acting like a four-year-old…”
    “I am sure that you will take this in the spirit it was intended.”
    -…in which it was intended…
    “actually proof reading your”
    -Proofreading is a compound word.
    “This is to be expected from someone such as yourself who is less than formally trained in the linguistic field.”
    -One would think that if someone were to be correcting another regarding grammar, they would ensure not to make mistakes in said correction.

  19. Dear IllinoisRepublican.
    Thank you for your concern and attempt at proofreading. However, I am not sure you realize that I left those childishly simple errors in there deliberately as a test to others. You seem to be unaware of what the M.F.A. after my name means. Let me enlighten you. It stands for “Master’s of Fine Arts.” So you see, that is why it is not possible for me to have inadvertently made those errors.
    I am sure you are expecting me to congratulate you on your skills. And I shall, but not quite yet. You see, there are still several deliberate punctuation errors in my original post that you failed to find. Go back once more and find them. Once you do that, then you shall have your “Gold Star.” Praise must be earned, IllinoisRepublican, not just handed out “willy-nilly.”
    I have never been to Illinois. However, I have flown over it many times in my journeys from coast to coast. It all seemed rather barren, from the comfort of my seat at 35,000 feet. However, I am sure that there are some parts of it that are better than others are. What part do you live in?
    Have you ever thought about going to school and getting your degree? I mention this because despite you not finding all of the grammar errors like you thought, you none-the-less seem to be an intelligent person. I would recommend going to a community college first. If you study hard and keep your GPA above a 2.0, you will then be able to transfer to a state college of some sort. Many of my colleges have made disparaging comments about state colleges, but I have always argued in their defense, as they do have good vocational programs. If you need some sort of recommendation to gain admittance to your local community college, you may contact me with more biographical information about yourself and I shall consider granting you a recommendation.
    I shall include my e-mail address for your benefit. If you like, feel free to contact me and we can discus this further.
    Good luck.
    Alexander S. Stanton
    M.F.A.

  20. Mr. Alexander S. Stanton
    Can I conclude you like your Martini’s extra dry, hold the rocks.
    I feel challenged to take you seriously, but that flying over the states in the middle stuff is an old one.

  21. Too funny. Once again, arrogance is revealed. “I left those childishly simple errors in there deliberately.” Good one. I also like the way you DID make intentional errors in your respone to make it look more believable. By the way, my doctorate trumps your masters. You were busted, now you are trying to cover it up. Sounds like the strategy of the Democratic Party. You have learned well, Grasshopper.

  22. You see, there are still several deliberate punctuation errors in my original post
    The last time I fell for that one I was 6. But then, kids are gullible.
    For the record, I leave intentional punctuation errors in all my posts. Mostly because I don’t feel like going back and figuring out when I should a semi-colon. I really hate those things, they’re not a colon but not a comma. I also bought a bunch of commas a few years ago and I have to use them up.

  23. Before this goes on forever, would you all please check Stanton’s signed links? They’ll show up at the bottom left of your screen when you roll over. Also, his initials are “ASS”.
    Got it now?

  24. Monkey Face,
    Yes I have an I hate the entire species day (individual people I love, it’s the homosapien species I hate). It depends usually on what kind of idiocy I have had to deal with the day before.
    I am a cynic, a pessimist and a believer in Murphy’s law. I do not think people are basically good, a fact that is born out to me everyday. So when I go to this site I don’t mind some good natured ribbing, what I mind is mean, nasty, personal attacks. I don’t agree with you, you don’t agree with me. I can handle that, but because I don’t agree with you does not mean I’m stupid, ignorant, vicious, or slow. Just as you are not obnoxious, nasty and just plain wrong because you don’t agree with me.
    I might have been a little more passionate in my reply, due to the presence of a new baby in the house. Sleep deprivation tends to make me very cranky and not as diplomatic as I try usually to be.
    That said I was probably more honest than usual, as well.
    Such is life.

  25. OK guys, here it is. “c” is right. Both of my “Alexander S. Stanton” posts were parodies. They weren’t to be taken seriously.
    First, let me say that my posts were not attempts to make fun of you guys or to mock anyone. To me, it just seemed like if we have a post about trolls, why not have one show up? And what is the most annoying troll of all? The grammar troll.
    For the record, IllinoisRepublican, all of those grammar errors of mine that you found? Well, I really did make them. I proofread my post as carefully as I could, and spell checked it as well, but they still crept in there despite my best efforts. When I said that I left them in there deliberately, well of course that wasn’t true. The very best composition I could do was found to be sorely lacking.
    Also, those of you who posted that your doctorate or MA with lots of math trumped my MFA? Well in reality, your doctorate or MA trumps my high school diploma. So you got me there too.
    Also, none of the beliefs I stated in the “comments” that “A.S.S.” made are my own. They were all just created to build up his character to be as obnoxious as possible. I guess it worked.
    In my real life, I can be a bit of a practical joker. However, I too have been tricked by my friends. For example, where I live there is a local Ed Center. One day at work, a buddy of mine told me that I had gotten a message while I was away. He told me a “Mr. Ed Sainter” had called and left a number. So I dialed the number (which was the number to the real Ed Center. To make a long story short, I literally ended up shouting into the phone, demanding they put me through to this “Ed Sainter.” Only after I shouted his name for the second or third time did it dawn on me what I was doing and I looked over at my buddies cubical, where he was, of course, dying of laughter. Oy vey–
    You guys are to be commended actually, for refusing to put up with the arrogance and elitism of this “A.S.S.” He came into your comments section with his attitude and you called him on it.
    Anyway, I hope this is all taken in the spirit in which it was intended, which is just a bit of humor. Frank J has a kick ass site (and I suspect he saw right through me) and his commenters are all stand up, good guys too. So if ever any of you guys end up in my neck of the woods, I’ll buy you a beer and we’ll have a few laughs. And then you’ll have your chance to run a joke on me too.
    Very respectfully (no sarcasm intended)
    TM

  26. Only problem people like James here have is how to get the rest of the world voting status in US elections. Until you get that autocratic world government you crave, you’re just SOL on that count.

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