In the comments to this post, Ringmaster of The Secluded Circus said:
Harvey, you should do a daily John Edwards sissy fact to counter Frank’s Fred Thompson fact!
Which is harder than it sounds
Thompson facts are entertaining because Fred is powerful enough to make the impossible happen
Sadly, this concept doesn’t work in reverse.
When Edwards applies his super-wussy powers and makes… well, NOTHING happen, it’s just not as entertaining.
Still, I enjoy a challenge, so I came up with a starter list about Edwards. After reading, you can help me decide if this project is worth pursuing:
- John Edwards rejected the campaign slogan “America’s First Gay President” in favor of “America’s First Woman President”.
- In the original version of Snow White, the Evil Queen’s mirror answered “John Edwards”.
- The reason John Edwards’ haircut cost $400? Renting the tungsten carbide tipped jackhammer to break through the hairspray.
- John Edwards uses a Year-at-a-Glance calendar so that he doesn’t have to ask for help turning those heavy pages every month.
- John Edwards has no idea what the underside of a toilet seat looks like.
- John Edwards would lose a game of tic-tac-toe while playing x’s and given a three-move head start, so as not to damage his opponent’s self-esteem.
- John Edwards still carries the scar from where a dandelion seed once fell on him.
- John Edwards went swimming in the ocean and got beaten up by plankton.
- If John Edwards visited the Empire State Building, the island would soon become known as Girlhattan.
- A single drop of John Edwards’ blood contains enough estrogen to reverse menopause.
- During a campaign stop at a school for the blind, John Edwards tried reading Braille for a photo-op and broke his finger.
- When John Edwards plays with a Ken doll, it’s anatomically correct.
- The vacuum of space is not the absence of matter, it’s the overflow from John Edwards’ absence of manhood.
- The #1 Google return for a search for “John Edwards”? The Stayfree home page.
- John Edwards is the only person who actually looks MORE macho while riding a Segway.
- John Edwards once failed a high school math test because he hugged the buttons on his calculator instead of punching them.
- John Edwards hates the Easter Bunny because the eggs he leaves are never the same shade of pink as his lip gloss.
- All his papers are signed “Mister John Edwards” so that he can dot the “i” with a heart.
- Teddy bears can’t sleep at night unless they’re cuddling John Edwards.
- Surveys show that 70% of US children under the age of six believe in both Santa Claus and the Tooth Edwards.
So… daily feature or failed concept?
Heck, if you can keep up that pace, you could do a daily feature. Those were pretty good.
Heh. I like the Segway one and the “dot the ‘i'” one the best. You could probably make a daily feature run for a couple of months on this subject, I think. Or maybe until the election. There’s bound to be plenty of material to mine, considering the depths of John Edwards’ wussyness…
Pretty good. Don’t forget his ambulance chasing days; to be sure adding that in the mix can bring up some potent punch lines.
“A single drop of John Edwards’ blood contains enough estrogen to reverse menopause”
I nearly soiled myself
“* John Edwards would lose a game of tic-tac-toe while playing x’s and given a three-move head start, so as not to damage his opponent’s self-esteem.”
C’mon – you know that is just how the publicist spun it to try and cover up the whomping that 3-year old laid on him in that game!
SGT Dave
It must be Monday; I forgot to add the following –
The story about the DOD researching the “gay bomb” was actually a study about what happens to men who are exposed to John Edwards for a significant amount of time.
SGT Dave
“Soon, broadcasting live from Kosovo – that “other” war zone.”
for a concept you didn’t have much faith in, i’d say you done a good job! i was known to smile out loud on a couple of them.
Keeping the ridicule at such a pace and caliber could be taxing. and i’m opposed to raising taxes.
i know for a fact that Prancy Edwards got angry once and nearly crushed a grape with his BARE HANDS…both hands.
Good job, Harvey. I vote for daily feature.
If you offered John Edwards a Sierra Nevada pale ale, he’d want a diet version, flavored with lime.
John Edwards once lost at armwrestling to Gavin Newsom (the mayor of San Francisco).
Anybody want to bet how long it takes him to “come out” after his wife assumes room temperature? I say 6 months.
Anybody want to bet how long it takes him to “come out” after his wife assumes room temperature? I say 6 months.
It’s a good feature, but not necessarily for every day of every month. Maybe just run during Gay Pride, Gaypril, Come-out-of-the-closet month, etc.
John Edwards gave machismo lessons to Richard Simmons…even loaning Simmons his favourite pair of personally sequined and bedazzled short-shorts so he’d look like one of them “wuff-tuff Muscle Beach jock types”.
Most of these I liked. The one about the jackhammer was too wordy.
I vote daily feature. Good stuff.
I liked it a lot.
I say do it weekly (weakly).
I think they’d make a pretty funny daily feature, or weekly feature, or something-or-other-feature. =P
So… daily feature or failed concept?
It’s funny how often those go together in blogland.
Not bad…maybe good for a “slow news” Monday feature.
How about an SAT type quiz?
Fred! Thompson is to John Edwards as a rare two inch thick steak is to:
A) a baloney sandwich
B) a bowl of Fruit Loops
C) a cold lump of tofu
Andrew Sullivan is to John Edwards as a pantywaist is to:
A) a ninja
B) a member of the Taliban
C) a pantywaist
Jimmah Carter’s international policy is to John Edwards’ international policy as a raving lunatic is to:
A) a statesman
B) a judge
C) a giggly 13-year old girl writing in her diary about the crush she has on Abbas.
As much as I hate to sully Mr. Thompsons good name by referencing him in a John Edwards thread… it sounds like if you crossed John Edwars with the greatness that is Fred Thompson, you’d end up with a perfectly average, normal man.
Nope. The Fred! DNA would terminate the john? DNA, leaving a clone of Fred!.
Fred Thompson would never “cross with” John Edwards. He just doesn’t swing that way.
Fred Thompson would never “cross with” John Edwards. He just doesn’t swing that way.
I meant no offence to Mr Thompson, and apologize most humbly. What I meant to imply was that, based on what was that John Edwards simply appears to be everything that Mr. Thompson is not, and vice versa. That Edwards might be some kind of “Nega-Thompson”, if you will. If scientists were to attempt to combine their DNA, Mr. Thompson’s genetic materials would be almost completely cancelled out by the suck that is Edwards, leaving behind a normal person.
Fred Thompson is like a noble gas – he just doesn’t mix with mere mortals, and never even looks at John Edwards. It’s a mystery how the two even exist in the same dimension.
Hahaha. You could just post the last one every day.
Oh, and thank you Ringmaster for your service to your country.
Actually John Edwards is in great demand. He is the only known spokesperson able to make tofu and soymilk look macho!
…this is too easy…
LOL. I love the last one.
Frankly, I think Edwards is an endless humor source. I wish he had more of a chance of winning the nomination… but I wouldn’t count him out.
Thanks for the thanks!
Aw cripes, now you’ve got me giggling like John Edwards.
Son of Bob – Stop making this look easy!
shakes fist
prints out comment for further study
The element Thompsonium (THMP on the Periodic Table)possesses, in exponentially greater proportionality, the substance and weight, that is, on the inverse, absent in the element Edwarsium (WUS on the Periodic Table).
This said, one milliatom of THMP, kept in the most secure container designed by Raytheon, would still obliterate 170 lbs of WUS if brought within 3,000 miles of it.
Do a daily fact, Harv. Or at least weekly…perhaps a weekend list of several new facts about the Y-chromosome challenged Edwards.
*ABC initially wanted to do a series called “Kyle XX” & base the title character on John Edwards.
*John Edwards should not be confused with pseudo-psychic & intergalactic douchebag John Edward; it’s an insult to douchebags.
*Wearing the same casual clothes as John Edwards in also considered dressing “in drag.”
*John Edwards has ten toes & eleven fingers.
*Side by side, John Edwards makes Richard Simmons look menacing.
* John Edwards wants you to give him a pearl necklace.
Scented ink pens were invented just for John Edwards’ use in court.
Next to John Edwards, the color pink is manly.
Last time Harvey had a daily feature, it was Simpsons trivia. I never really liked that.
Don’t think small Harvey, why not do a fun facts for each of the candidates?
If we remove Kedwards from the race, we will deprive hundreds of thousands of gay men the photos they use to masturbate to!
I apologize for the horrific mental image I just created by posting this!
I’ll go wash my mind out with kerosene now!
The segway one had me laughing out loud too.
“* John Edwards is the grown-up version of “Jimmy” from Ed, Edd & Eddy.
Posted by: MegaTroopX on June 18, 2007 03:55 PM ”
That is oh-so true. Of course, you’d have to have seen the cartoon a few times, but it totally makes sense.
It took me a bit to get the last one, Harvey, but it was good! I say you should do more of them!
Next to John Edwards, the color pink is manly.
next to John Edwards, the word “pussy” is manly…
For those who don’t know Jimmy (which I didn’t):
http://www.jrj-socrates.com/Cartoon%20Pics/Cartoon%20Network/Ed%20Edd%20&%20Eddy/Jimmy_300.gif
Good work, dude. I’m sure to spout a few of those at work this week.
Don’t be surprised if my next comment is posted from the unemployment line.
ROFLAMO!
Daily, by all means. Thanks!
Funny stuff, Frank. Now to be fair as well, do one for Hillary. I’ll start:
Hillary Clinton has to go out and buy her tampons from Home Depot.
Hillary’s plan to deal with Islamic terrorist? Go on Oprah with the jihadists and hug out their differences.
Every time Hillary makes an apperance on TV, Satan cries.
Okay, those weren’t so good, but I’m sure ya can do better.