Did you hear about the sick dogs that are crossing over our southern border?
Archive of entries posted on 10th June 2007
Tuberculosis FAQ
With all the slipshod, panicky press coverage about the Andrew Speaker’s disease-riddled world travelling, there’s been a lot of conflicting stories about what the health threat actually is & why you should care.
As a public service, I present the following:
Q. What is tuberculosis?
A. Tuberculosis or “TB” is a respiratory illness caused by a bacterium. It was originally developed by a now-defunct covert agency operating within the Polk administration in the late 1840’s as a means of combatting the increasing threat from the Irish Menace.
Q. I thought TB had been eradicated?
A. Almost. Turns out the disease was susceptible to antibiotics and was nearly wiped out in the 1950’s. This allowed the Irish Menace to return in the form of Kennedys, nearly destroying America.
Q. Why was TB not eradicated?
A. Because it’s still useful. The Bush administration’s top scientists developed a new strain of TB that can be used to combat the rising threat from the Mexican Menace. Current plans are to pave all Home Depot parking lots with it if Bush can’t pass an
Q. Can TB really help combat the Mexican Menace?
A. According to testing on illegal immigrants through the INS’s “Catch (TB) & Release” program – Yes!
Q. What are the symptoms of TB?
A. Persistent cough, unexplained weight loss, fever, tiredness, and being a filthy little border-jumper.
Q. But Andrew Speaker was white! How did HE get TB?
A. Must have been the Irish strain. Unfortunately, this type is strongly drug-resistant, since Kennedys frequently overuse antibiotics to cure… um… other things.
Q. Should I get tested for TB?
A. Only if you hang out with coughing, skinny, sweaty, lazy brown people. Or Kennedys.
Q. How is TB diagnosed?
A. The only way to tell for sure is to get a chest x-ray, but I think “House” did an episode on it once. Watch that, and if your symptoms match the whiteboard, you’ve got TB.
Q. Why are poor people more vulnerable to TB?
A. Because poverty is a sign of moral weakness and God is punishing them.
Q. I’m not poor, Mexican, or Irish, but I have TB. Why?
A. Because God hates personal injury lawyers too, Mr. Edwards.