I notice some Ron Paul supporters think the reason we make fun of Ron Paul is because we’re threatened of his extreme political relevance. Of course, I tease chimps at the zoo, but that doesn’t mean I’m contemplating voting for them.
Then again, I am threatened by the possibility of monkeys doing some sort of political takeover… while I don’t fear any such thing with Ron Paul.
Archive of entries posted on 18th June 2007
Frank J IS Blogger X
Ron Paul Proposes That America Hide Under Giant Rock
GOP Presidential candidate Ron Paul spoke earlier today of the need for a stricter isolationist policy. “America needs to stop interfering with other countries. In fact, we need to stop interacting with any foreign nation. As long as America has made eye contact with any foreigner, we can hardly blame them to attack us on our own soil. Still, even if we were to finally cease all contact with other countries, the mere existence of America is provocative and could cause us to be invaded or attacked. Thus, I propose the most time-tested method of disengagement: Hiding under a rock. For complete security, America must hide its very existence. Of course, there is no rock on earth large enough for America to hide under, so, when I am President, I will fund the building of a Star Trek type tractor beam to pull the moon towards us and crash into America. I project half the country will be killed — and they shall be mourned — but the other half will finally be safe living under the giant rock that is the moon.” Ron Paul concluded his speech by wearing his pants on his head while dancing a merry jig to the applause of the three supporters and eight mannequins in attendance.
A recent Gallup poll found that 100% (+/- 0%) are against crashing the moon into America, but online polling has approval of Ron Paul’s plan at 64%.
Fun Facts About John Edwards
In the comments to this post, Ringmaster of The Secluded Circus said:
Harvey, you should do a daily John Edwards sissy fact to counter Frank’s Fred Thompson fact!
Which is harder than it sounds
Thompson facts are entertaining because Fred is powerful enough to make the impossible happen
Sadly, this concept doesn’t work in reverse.
When Edwards applies his super-wussy powers and makes… well, NOTHING happen, it’s just not as entertaining.
Still, I enjoy a challenge, so I came up with a starter list about Edwards. After reading, you can help me decide if this project is worth pursuing:
- John Edwards rejected the campaign slogan “America’s First Gay President” in favor of “America’s First Woman President”.
- In the original version of Snow White, the Evil Queen’s mirror answered “John Edwards”.
- The reason John Edwards’ haircut cost $400? Renting the tungsten carbide tipped jackhammer to break through the hairspray.
- John Edwards uses a Year-at-a-Glance calendar so that he doesn’t have to ask for help turning those heavy pages every month.
- John Edwards has no idea what the underside of a toilet seat looks like.
- John Edwards would lose a game of tic-tac-toe while playing x’s and given a three-move head start, so as not to damage his opponent’s self-esteem.
- John Edwards still carries the scar from where a dandelion seed once fell on him.
- John Edwards went swimming in the ocean and got beaten up by plankton.
- If John Edwards visited the Empire State Building, the island would soon become known as Girlhattan.
- A single drop of John Edwards’ blood contains enough estrogen to reverse menopause.
- During a campaign stop at a school for the blind, John Edwards tried reading Braille for a photo-op and broke his finger.
- When John Edwards plays with a Ken doll, it’s anatomically correct.
- The vacuum of space is not the absence of matter, it’s the overflow from John Edwards’ absence of manhood.
- The #1 Google return for a search for “John Edwards”? The Stayfree home page.
- John Edwards is the only person who actually looks MORE macho while riding a Segway.
- John Edwards once failed a high school math test because he hugged the buttons on his calculator instead of punching them.
- John Edwards hates the Easter Bunny because the eggs he leaves are never the same shade of pink as his lip gloss.
- All his papers are signed “Mister John Edwards” so that he can dot the “i” with a heart.
- Teddy bears can’t sleep at night unless they’re cuddling John Edwards.
- Surveys show that 70% of US children under the age of six believe in both Santa Claus and the Tooth Edwards.
So… daily feature or failed concept?
Maybe Instead of Warnings, They Should Try Death Threats
I don’t really get the point of the Surgeon General’s warning on cigarette packs since everyone already knows cigarettes are unhealthy and that doesn’t seem to be stopping anyone. In other countries, they even make the warning take up most of the pack, but no one seems to care. I think the Surgeon General might as well have some fun and put some more interesting warnings on those cancer sticks.
FRANK SUGGESTIONS FOR SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNINGS
Continue reading ‘Maybe Instead of Warnings, They Should Try Death Threats’ »