Via Iowahawk, private eye Dan Rather is back to sleuth the blogoshphere underground in search of CBS news’s missing viewers. Plus, there’s a link to me in there somewhere, so that makes this one extra good.
Archive of entries posted on 21st June 2007
Michael Moore’s “Sicko” – Propagantastic!
Michael Moore’s new documentary, Sicko, is a brilliantly executed film work that approaches a difficult subject with an open mind, and delivers its facts with a surprising evenhandedness and absence of bias.
Fine. I lied. If he can do it, so can I.
Still, I have to admit that watching Sicko was an eye-opening experience. Here’s just a few of the amazing things I learned:
- British hospitals not only offer free medical treatment, but also free argument clinics and free being-hit-on-the-head lessons.
- There is an acute shortage of human blood in US hospitals, because federal regulations require hospital administrators to drink it in celebration after every denial of treatment to the uninsured.
- Cuba has the best health care system in the world, since it provides a skilled physician from Spain to examine every Cuban President in the country.
- Unlike in America, you’ll never see a long line of desperately ill people waiting at a health clinic, since in Britain it’s called a “queue”.
- Most pharmaceutical companies recycle by making their drugs out of people who died because they couldn’t afford to buy the drugs.
- 50 million Americans are uninsured and are at severe risk of paying money in exchange for products and services.
- American health insurance premiums are determined by using a complex array of morbidity & mortality charts, combined with 20-sided dice-throws from a basement full of D&D nerds.
- Britain’s health care system is modelled on Canada’s. Their dental care system – Alabama’s.
- The French not only provide free health care, they also provide free nannies for recovering patients with children. Still working on air conditioners for the elderly though.
- The ultimate proof of the superiority of Canada’s health care system? Hospital gowns that completely cover your ass.
- The health care system in place at the Guantanamo detention facility is closer to France’s system than America’s, since it’s full of angry, unassimilated Muslims.
- In order to get decent health care in the US, you first must get abused by a cynical, unshaven doctor with a limp and a Vicodin addiction.
- Unlike in America, a French hospital does not have to charge fifty dollars for a couple of lousy Tylenol, since their currency is the Euro.
The other thing I learned is that listening to Michael Moore discuss the importance of good health care is like listening to Ted Kennedy discuss the importance of sobriety.
I Was Thinking…
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
In My World: Secret Mexican
Tony Snow sighed and entered the Oval Office. “You know, conservatives are actually kinda scary when you’re on their firing end. I hate asking again, but I don’t quite understand why you’re so averse to securing the border and why you want to grant amnesty to illegals so bad.”
President Bush motioned to Tony to close the door and come closer. He then whispered, “I never told anyone this, but I’m secretly an illegal Mexican.”
“Um… I don’t think so, Mr. President; I know your parents.”
Bush shook his head. “They told me they found me as a baby in a well in Mexico.”
“You sure they weren’t joking?”
Bush leaned back in his chair. “I’m never sure of anything, and that’s never stopped me from acting. We need to get this bill passed so I won’t get deported. Now go out tell the Republicans who are against this bill that they just hate brown people. Have Linda Chavez go out and do that too… and tell her to lay her accent on thick.”
“She doesn’t have an accent.”
Bush pounded his desk. “Then tell her to get one!”
“Sir, I don’t really understand how insulting Republicans is going to help things.”
“Well, which one of us is the President and which one of us is the… uh… whatever you do?”
“White House Press Secretary?”
“Yeah, that.”
Bush kept staring at Tony, and eventually Tony realized that he was expected to answer the rhetorical question. “Um… I’m the guy who does whatever I do.”
Bush jabbed himself with his thumb. “And I’m the President!”
Tony was about to leave, but he stopped. “So this is really about you thinking you’re Mexican? I thought this was all some Karl Rove scheme to try and pander for Hispanic votes.”
“No. Karl Rove doesn’t actually exist; he’s just a fiction we put out there.”
“What?! Why would you make up Karl Rove?”
“Well, the thought of him scares and distracts my political opponents.” Bush was silent a moment thinking. “The complete reasoning is pretty complicated; only Karl Rove is smart enough to understand it all. Anyway, if you see a Republican that’s against amnesty, punch him and tell him he’s stupid. That will get those stupid Mexican-haters on our side.”
Tony sighed. “The Republican Party was fun while it lasted.”
Bush chuckled. “It was a wild ride.” Bush then stared intently at an empty space on the wall. “No! You can’t have my bologna sandwich, Rove! And you stop putting evil thoughts in my brain!”
Tony hurried out of the office and spotted Karl Rove in the hall. “Do you know the President thinks he’s seeing you?”
Karl Rove smiled. “And who do you think you’re seeing? Muh ha ha ha ha!” He then disappeared into shadow.
“I really should have stayed at FOX News.”
Mayor Bloomberg Changes Party AGAIN!
Just hours after announcing his dedication to the American and Ferengi people, NY Mayor MIchael Bloomberg announced he is once again switching politcal parties.
“I felt that the best way to show my dedication to the people was to commit to a group that best represents America. That’s why today my new political party is SMURF.”
Critics agree that this latest political strategy could reap dividends. Said one political scientist, “I feel that this decision is just smurfy.”
Mayor Bloomberg emphasized that he is NOT going to be running for president. “I’m not runnng for President. That’s not what I’m about. For those who want to know what I’m about, I recommend you visit my website at bloombergforpresident2008.com.”
He also announced the choosing of a new Bloomberg Theme Song: Goodness Makes the Badness Go Away.