You know how if you have a bug infestation, you evacuate the area and use a bug bomb? I was thinking we should come up with something like a bug bomb but for Islamic radicals. Then I realized we have that already and its just called a “bomb.”
We should use that.
Archive of entries posted on 12th June 2007
It’s Like Finding a Use for the Crud in Your Drain
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If we found a use for the U.N., wouldn’t that be one of the greatest accomplishments of the 21st century?
Here’s my idea: If we don’t like a country, we send our military to blow it to hell. Then we leave and we tell the U.N. to establish a democracy there or peacekeep or whatever.
I know what you’re thinking. “Won’t the U.N. do a horrible job… or nothing at all?”
Probably, but here’s the thing: We’ll just not care. The point is that, when people ask whether we’re going to help a country rebuild after we attacked it, we say we sent the U.N. That sounds responsible, and thus we avoid criticism.
So what happens when the U.N. fails and the country we attacked because even more volatile a threat? It’s simple: We blow it to hell again. You can’t overestimate how great our military is at blowing crap up. As long as we keep our military focused solely on blowing lots of crap up, it will be smooth sailing for us in foreign affairs. And once other countries understand that, maybe they’ll try and establish peaceful governments without our help out of fear of us getting bored and blowing them to hell. Then the U.N. become more of an association of countries trying all they can not to get mauled by the U.S. That sounds more useful than… whatever it is it’s supposed to be doing now.
IMAO Condensed: The Bill of Rights
Overrated Superheroes: Wolverine
One of the biggest problems facing society today is children today is idolizing overrated superheroes. We can’t have our next generation aspiring to be like any loser. That’s why I’m disheartened to see who are some of the superheroes popular with kids these days. Arguably one of the most overrated superheroes is Wolverine.
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Why the hell is this guy popular? He’s a short, hairy, Canadian whose main power is that he has knives on his hands. Yes, knives. Walk to the kitchen, pull a knife out of a drawer, and you’re now as powerful as Wolverine. Since he often operates under the superhero code where you can’t just kill villains, his powers end up even more useless. And how many situations have ever called for a guy with knives on his hands that couldn’t just be solved by carrying a Leatherman?
I guess, if the earth is invaded, the X-Men who can shoot lasers out his eyes, control the weather, and rip things apart with telekinesis will fight the aliens, and Wolverine can carve a turkey for when they get back.
Yeah, I know he also has his “healing factor” allowing him to quickly recover from any wound, but he kinda needs that since, being his only other power is the stupid knives, he’s going to get injured a lot. A lot. I mean constantly. He’d be the shortest lived superhero without it. Wolverine gets beat up so much, he wears the bright yellow costume so at least he won’t be involved hunting accidents as well.
The guy is a loser. If your kids think he’s cool, you should beat them.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Popemobile Upgrades
After a recent frightening incident wherein a deranged German man grabbed the back of the Popemobile, Vatican police officials plan to have the vehicle modified to provide greater protection for His Holiness.
In additioin to extra security features, the new Popemobile will also be provided with an array of other upgrades:
- 17-inch “collection plate” style spinners.
- Hands-free Popephone for use when Commissioner Gordon lights the Popesignal.
- New PA system will include “beatbox” setting.
- Feral Australian Kid to retrieve dropped shotgun shells.
- Can now transform into Popetimus Prime.
- Air conditioned glove compartment to keep spare Pope hat refreshingly cool.
- The big car makers are trying to keep this a secret, but it gets 100 mpg and runs on holy water!
- GPS system pre-programmed with locations of all the best pizza joints.
- Red Bull & Vodka – pre-mixed & on tap!
- SCMODS
- “This ride pimped by God” bumper sticker.
- Rebel-flag roof & “Dixie” horn.
- Won’t start? No problem! It’s got drop-down “Flintstone Floorboards” for emergency take-offs.
- “BNDCT16” vanity plates.
- Engine timing precision-adjusted to make “Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang” sounds.
- Brass Bumpernuts
- Silver naked chick mud flaps.
- Rear window sticker of Calvin peeing on a mosque.
By the way, after the upgrades are finished, all new converts to Catholicism will be given a coupon for a free ride.
I’m thinking it might be worth it.