Mayor Bloomberg Abandons Independant Status, Converts to Ferengi

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Stunning the political world yet again, once Democrat, turned Republican, turned Independant Mayor Bloomberg made a shocking announcement.
“I discovered that there might be a just a bit of competition if I decided to run for President one day as an Independant. So I converted to a party that, hopefully, will offer less competition: The Ferengis.”
Political analysts are undecided on the impact of such a bold decision. Says one expert, who refused to be named in case anyone is actually reading this, “It could really change the shape of a Clinton-Thompson election. On the one hand, people who want to vote for actors might lean a bit more towards Fred Thompson. Whereas, the Ferengi party might draw some votes away from cold, conniving people obssesed with money, money, money. We’d have to see who Hillary might choose as her Vice President.”
Mayor Bloomberg insists this is a calculated decision arrived at after much thought and introspection. “I want people to know that I’m not seeking the easy way on anything. Also, while pondering my next career move, I certainly did not consult my Magic 8 Ball Star Trek Edition.”
We will have more news on this as it develops.

Fun Facts About The Ron Paul Supporter(s)

Ron Paul supporters are easy to recognize, their signature headgear, when properly applied also keeps fat from dripping on your grill and flaring up. Also his name is Barry.
Ron Paul supporters not only appear when his name is invoked 3 times, it drives them crazy, an admittedly short trip.
The Federal Reserve killed most of Ron Paul’s supporters puppies.
If you’re bitten by a Ron Paul supporter if you don’t become one, you do become a carrier.
Where do Ron Paul supporters have their meetups? A house of mirrors.
Ron Paul supporters never get sick and can only be killed by decapitating them. There can be/is only one.
When Ron Paul returns to the Earth, his followers believe he will restore the constitution so well that the ink will smell wet and also miraculously restore the moat around America to its pre-civil war glory.
To a Ron Paul supporter the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution are collectively known as the Bill of WRONGS!
Every time a bell rings a Ron Paul supporter get his mouth very salivated.
Ron Paul supporters think everyone who doesn’t support him fears him like they fear getting abducted by aliens, again.
When the feces found in the U.S. Capital was determined to be Ron Paul’s, his supporters were quick to hail it the best idea, anywhere, ever and also delicious.
If Ron Paul falls in a forest, his supporter(s) will claim it’s because gravity is inherently unconstitutional.
Some claim Ron Paul supporters spam online polls, the truth is they just all have the same I.P. address because… Hey! LOOK kittens!
The most ardent of Ron Paul’s followers think the US government is too big when it has more people than the secret number Ron Paul has written on his magic anti-alien hemp underpants.

Support Your Local Ham

Mary Katharine (Suparstar!) Ham is going to be on O’Reilly tonight talking about internet stuff including the National Lampoon’s 72 Virgins trailer:

Wouldn’t that be a fun controversy if that film actually got made?
UPDATE:
Video of Ham’s appearance is at Hot Air. Looks like it could possibly be a weekly thing.

Joke Of the Month

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IAEA Head: Shooting His Rabid Dog Would Be “Madness”

VIENNA (AP) — The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency cautioned on Thursday that shooting his rabid pet dog, Mahmoud, over his refusal to stop biting his leg would be “an act of madness,” in indirect warnings to animal control agents.
IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei also said Mahmoud would likely soon begin chewing close to his femoral artery – the puncturing of which medical experts described as the point of no return in the start of ElBaradei’s bleeding to death.

“I only want this leg for peaceful purposes.”

However, the head of the IAEA was reluctant to dismiss hopes of a diplomatic solution.
ElBaradei spoke during an emergency meeting of concerned paramedics and local animal shelter workers a gathering that focused on Mahmoud’s refusal to heed ElBaradei’s demands that Mahmoud should freeze activities that could serve to transmit the rabies virus or possibly cause the IAEA chief to exsanguinate.
Earlier, Mahmoud’s savage snarls asserted that he would never suspend the enthusiastic gnawing of El Baradei’s extremities — the key issue of paramedic concern, while animal control insisted Mahmoud had no choice but to do so, in comments reflecting the increasingly tense stalemate over the issue.
Even while calling for a negotiated solution, animal control workers — which Mahmoud had snapped at several times between bites of his ElBaradei’s calf — have refused to dismiss outright the possibility that they might “just shoot the damn dog” if he refused to back down on limb-shredding and other areas of concern.
But ElBaradei described any use of force as “an act of madness … (that) would not resolve the issue.”
“The next few minutes will be crucial to these negotiations,” he said, adding: “although Mahmoud appears to be insane and quite eager to take my life, I believe that we should also consider the possibility that this is merely a peaceful display of affection.”
ElBaradei then passed out in a pool of his own blood, while Mahmoud lunged for his jugular. Digusted animal control workers quickly blew Mahmoud’s head off, putting an end to the crisis.
Animal rights organizations were quick to condemn the action, suggesting that a UN resolution declaring Mahmoud a “bad dog” would have been just as effective.

Time to Face the Facts About Ron Paul

Some people seem to be fervently for Ron Paul, but maybe this will finally convince them away from him…

Continue reading ‘Time to Face the Facts About Ron Paul’ »

I Have an Idea…

Since Mexico is kinda like a third world country and seem to believe in crazy things like the chupacabra — an alien being that sucks the blood out of goats — maybe we can spread rumors to scare people from sneaking into America illegally. And we’ll have to get the rumors out there while they’re still in their home country, because once they get here they’ll see our TV they’ll become too smart to believe silly things.
Let’s start the rumor of the chupamexicano — the Mexican sucker. It live in America and sucks the blood of illegal Mexicans, and it especially likes the blood if there is alcohol in it.

MEXICAN 1: “I’m going to sneak into America and steal their jobs.”
MEXICAN 2: “No, Pedro! Haven’t you heard of the chupamexicano? It will find you and suck your blood, and the only thing that it’s scared of is legal documentation.”
MEXICAN 1: “Well, I don’t want my blood sucked. I guess I shall stay here in Mexico and help reform it from the corrupt cesspool it currently is.”

That was just an example conversation that could be a result of this propaganda effort; Mexican 1’s name could be “Jose” instead of “Pedro.”

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

John Edwards’s eventual cause of death will be collapsing into a black hole under the weight of his own hairspray.
[Collaborative hat tip: John of Johnalism]

Humor and Politicians

Have you seen the Hillary Clinton Sopranos spoof? Now I enjoy hating Hillary Clinton as much as the next conservative, but there was some effective use of humor in a political campaign. Subconsciously, we set the humor bar very low for politicians, because we’re used to them being too cramped in by their talking points to be capable of much humor (“America’s health care crisis is no laughing matter.”). Thus, we’ll reward them with laughter for merely venturing out of their comfort zone to make a joke.
With Hillary, you have someone considered cold and impersonal to a large segment of the population, so she particularly has a lot to gain through using humor. With this video, she slightly makes fun of herself (which is good for someone with her image) and makes her seem like a regular person (the wooden line reading actually helps with that; she just seems like a regular person having fun with a joke). Also, it’s actually “edgy,” parodying a popular subject that hasn’t already been satirized to death (of course, the joke will be lost on the few people who aren’t aware of the Sopranos controversy, but that’s always the trade off with that sort of humor). Because it’s so surprising, it’s getting wide airplay and free publicity. I really don’t see a downside to it. I’ve seen some conservatives over-analyzing it and wondering if it’s proper for her to associate herself with the mob or a TV show with such adult content, but no one other than someone who already really hates Clinton is going to pick it to death like that. To the average person, its just going to be funny and, through using a reference they know, make them subconsciously feel more connected to Hillary Clinton. It’s a big win for her and I would hope whoever thought of doing this gets a big raise.
For politicians, there’s a lot of be gained by just a little bit of humor, which is why I’m surprised we don’t see more serious attempts at it. This is why I should be a political consultant for the Republican Party focusing on humor. After the 2006 elections and the recent immigration bill fiasco, they’re seen as completely disconnected from their base. They should try some humor for an attempt at outreach. Maybe, with a bit of effort, they can have a video go viral. It’s not going to magically make Republicans cool again, but it will help.
I could go on about this sort of thing forever — the advantages, disadvantages, possible pitfalls, etc. of humor (and why, as cool as it would be, I don’t think Fred Thompson should publicly acknowledge the Fred Thompson Facts) — but the point is that humor is an important branch of cognitive science that could be of great use for humanizing politicians and getting issues focused on if used correctly. Sometime I think I’m the only one who takes humor seriously.

Remember If the RNC Calls You for Donations…

No amnesty until we have giant wall of fire along our southern border.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

The only possible threat to Fred Thompson is his evil, goateed nemesis from the Mirror-World: Ted Frompson.