New York Magazine recently ran a feature article discussing scientific research on the subtle characteristics that may indicate homosexuality. They listed things such as having a counter-clockwise hair whorl, having a high density of ridges in your fingerprint pattern, and having an index finger longer than your ring finger.
Intriguing stuff, to be sure.
Recently I received a government grant to do my own scientific research on the hidden clues that reveal “lifestyle choice”. From that research, I offer the following list of signs that you might be gay:
* If you look at your hand and notice that there’s another man’s hand in it.
* If it takes you more than three seconds to say the word “fabulous”.
* If you have anything in your closet that you refer to as an “outfit”.
* With the exception of “orange”, if you’ve ever used a noun (for example, “eggshell”) as a color name.
* If you are offended at the suggestion that the word “manicure” is ironic.
* If, when you use the phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell” to your friends, it’s more often as a warning than a punchline.
* If you dance better backwards than forwards.
* If someone mentions Judy Garland and you think of ANYTHING besides “The Wizard of Oz”.
* If you’ve marched in a parade wearing a skirt and it wasn’t March 17th.
* If you’ve ever had sex with a man except for that one time in Tijuana when you were REALLY drunk, and even though you don’t remember the incident, your friends all swear it’s true, but they’re probably lying.
* If you’re familiar with the flavor of sweaty chest hair.
* If you LIKE the flavor of sweaty chest hair.
* If you’ve applied color to your face and you weren’t on your way to a football game.
* If you own pink underwear that’s the result of a deliberate purchase and NOT a tragic laundering accident.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to Tijuana and do some more research.