Hey, I got a great idea for a business model.
Here’s the deal…
- All sales personnel will pool their sales … and all bonuses from goals exceeded … into a common pool. This pool will be divided equally between all employees: sales, administrative, maintenance, security, IT, and retirees. This will allow the company to spread the wealth around to all under-achievers.
- All lower level wage-earners will pool their wages, including overtime, into the common pool. It will also be divided equally among all employees. This will help those who don’t work overtime to reap the rewards from those who do.
- Management will not participate in the pooling of income. Management simply makes and enforces the rules; management does not follow the rules.
- To compensate for this, management will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard “for the good of all.”
- Employees should be thrilled with these new policies because it’s “good to spread the wealth around.” Those who have underachieved will finally be rewarded; those who have worked hard and had success will feel more “patriotic,” if you will, by knowing that others are benefiting from their hard work.
Okay, this is not an original thought on my part. I stole it from somewhere else. But it’s okay; I’m just spreading the humor around.
Anyway, I don’t see a flaw in this plan. In fact, I’m thinking this could work on a national level.
Any other ideas to improve or expand this plan?
Пролетарии всех стран, соединяйтесь!
I have a better plan:
I say let’s have the over achievers quit working. Put the under achievers and those who don’t work in the achievers jobs. Then let’s spread the wealth around.
I wonder how long it will take the new “workers” to figure out this whole idea sucks like a Dyson.
Expand it by making contributions to the company retirement system mandatory but make sure you exempt upper management from that requirement. Also don’t mention there is no guarantee of any money being paid when they finally retire. Better yet force them to pay even though they know that no money will be there for retirement. Find some tools to go around talking about how it is an indicator of company loyalty to pay for retirement even though the CEO is using the money for hookers and crack.
I think it would be a good idea if any health care had to be taken care of from the employee’s pool. And the management would decide which doctors they could see. That would be good.
I love this plan! This will allow me to smoke more meth and make more money, sounds like a win – win to me.
It sounds exactly how the new National Security Personnel System was implemented for DoD civilians. Thankfully it’s dying a slow death while only having hit a third of our workforce.
Put up a big wall around the office to keep your employees in. That seems to have worked well in the past.
Yeah. V* bought our startup a few years ago, and instituted just step 1. It killed the new division we became when they bought us. 3 months later, they came in and said, “What happened to you guys? We thought you were going to show our slacker consultant workforce how it’s done. If you don’t start performing, we’re going to have to lay you all off.” All of us who weren’t sales guys – they were the first out the door – those of us actually doing the work – hoped that “upper management” just might eventually see the light [stupid we] and just waited for the layoff package. Surprise! The package was actually quite good. Of course, it meant that those who weren’t laid off didn’t get a bonus.
Socialism for everyone! Just because it didn’t work for a large corporation like V* and for the Russians, doesn’t mean that it won’t work this time. The right people haven’t been allowed to try it yet.
*** V* told us that they don’t do ‘Individual Performance Bonuses.’ “Bonuses are awarded if the whole company does well.‘ Our old business model – the one that made us profitable enough for them to want to buy us in the first place – was entirely based on paying us below market rate, and giving us huge bonuses for high performance. In less than 3 months, they destroyed and drove out a highly profitable team. That, and the Clinton ‘tax cut’ of 2005 (when my FICA went up by 20%) taught me all I need to know about socialism.
Since two heads are almost better than one, I would like to suggest some modifications to the plan, if I may.
I say once we collect the money from bonuses and pool it, we off a few of the older retirees. That way the pool is bigger for us younger folks. OK, that’s a little extreme. How about we just go with a nationalized healthcare program and hold a lottery to see who gets covered. That way going into next year expenses are lower and the bonus will be bigger. Plus the older ones will just die off and nobody can blame us, all perfectly legal! Great ideas? I’ve got a million of them.
Now the way we sell this is to keep this from the older workers. That way they continue to be more productive than the younger ones who can just loaf.
Gosh, I don’t know where such evil genius comes from sometimes! It just pops into my head and out through the keyboard. I am soo happy with myself;, I just might make an infomercial to sell the plan. Any takers?
#2 is taken care of already. It’s called unions. My brother-in-law has had several grievances filed against him because of all the overtime pay he gets. Never mind that he’s always at the bottom of the roster and is asked last after everyone else turned it down.
Who needs a secret ballot to unionize anyway.
What is this thing you people keep calling “overtime?” 12-15 hour days are just expected, kiss your three day weekends that coincide with holidays goodbye, and enjoy your promise 2 weeks of vacation sitting in the office writing memoranda in response to motions in limine to exclude the associate attorneys from this fabled thing called “a living wage.”
Being salaried is horrible, and to add insult to injury, it includes a HIGH deductible health plan (I think I’d have to work myself into a coma and be on life support at least 3 months to reach the decuctible, which may be the goal).
How do I go about becoming the CEO of a really rich corporation for a very short period of time, doing no damage (I don’t want to hurt my employees or their job security) – and then, within a few months get one of those TOTALLY AWESOME severance packages?
That would give me the time to write the Creative Writing PhD Dissertation of Doom without worrying about how to feed the dog, cats, and horse.
I would like to extend this proposal to include blogs. All blog posts, no matter who writes them, shall be available to all bloggers to post on their sites without attribution to the original author …
🙂
With all due respect, you will need an incentive for such a plan to work, especially if your company employs any annoying, rebellious, independent thinkers such as conservatives:
May I suggest hanging one of the worker-bees (a la Sarah P.) near the water cooler? (Make sure it’s a cracker so you won’t be apologizing, paying fines, and attending diversity training.) Re-read “The Lottery” for advice on choosing this person randomly, say, every six months or so.
This visual effect will inspire everyone to embrace socialism, salivate upon successful wealth-spreading, and remain obedient Obamuhamadites.
Any other ideas to improve or expand this plan?
Don’t forget the gula…. err…. vacation resorts for those who don’t love the idea.
What democrats don’t realize is that anyone dumb enough to be inspired to work harder by a speech is also too stupid to be in anything above the 50 percent level income. Or from Boston.
The very sad thing is that if your scenario were in a company town with no roads, you’d have no choice. It would be like debtor’s prison. Actually, to pay for Obama-Pelosi-Reids’ spending programs, it would be exactly like debtor’s prison.
Honestly, since the Democrats picked someone so radical who is worshiped rather than simply voted for, I see no good outcome to this election. If he looses, there will be riots, and if he wins, there will be socialist policies with no branch of government to block the excesses, and the same systematic incompetence we’ve seen for the last couple years.
You forgot one important part of the plan. Vodka or bourbon for everyone!! (Bourbon would be more patriotic.) Nothing inspires a dull and lifeless workforce like a good nip from the flask every morning.
Years ago I worked as a pizza delivery driver, and the manager decided that it wasn’t fair that only the drivers got tips. We had to put all our tips into a communal pot, and at the end of the shift, it was evenly divided among the drivers AND the in-store employees. The only thing we did get to keep was the 50 cents for gas that we got per delivery. Most of the people in that area paid with cards or checks, so it was almost impossible to skim our own tips off the top. I went from making about $40 a night in tips to making around $7. Eventually we complained to the regional manager and he put a stop to it and fired that manager for breaching our employment contracts, which specifically stated that we were entitled to all the money we received as tips. A couple of the in-store guys actually quit after that, because they weren’t getting their cut of OUR tips anymore. As if they thought they would find some other place that would give them money they hadn’t earned.
Speaking of socialism..
http://www.meltingpotproject.com/.a/6a00e5501bb44a8833010535c356bc970b-pi
You guys have made such great suggestions that all we need now is a snappy title. How about something about how we’re helping the community?
…I know! Communitism!
Funny, I thought you stole this from the 20th Century Motor Company:
http://www.wayofthemind.org/2005/11/22/why-collectivism-doesnt-work/